How lucky am I?

[AbsurdRandomness]

Okay, one day a couple months back, I got up very early for school, and the day, for the most part, went by as expected and normal as usual. Until, of course, THIS fucking happened:

I was driving home (12 mile drive) using my grandfather's red van, and as I'm about to pull into the expressway, my tires all simultaneously blow out, and a toll truck rams right into my car, knocking me out instantly. I wake up in the hospital, apparently suffering a mild concussion and a broken collarbone.

I eventually recover, and all goes well for a couple of days, until a school shooting erupts during the middle of Chemistry class, and my fucking lab partner turns out the culprit. He shoots the teacher, my girlfriend, myself in the leg, twelve other students, and then himself. He's carried out by the rescue several minutes later, but drowns in his own blood. Everyone else eventually recovered, thank god for that.

The next day, as I'm walking to my 5th period class, I suddenly trip down the school stairs and land flat on my face. As a girl is helping me up, I throw up my lunch all over her school uniform, and she just slaps me and walks away. Embarassed, I run to the bathroom and try to clean myself up, but the word has already spread across the school. Determined once and for all to end my life, I take out my led pencil and slit my wrists. I bleed a bit, but I don't die.

What the fuck.

By the point, I've calmed down, and so has everyone else, so the next few days go by silently. Until motherfucking Hannah arrives, and literally blows my house to shreds. So there I was, standing in front of the remains of my own fucking home, still a bit dizzy after the long, bumpy ride, and I just throw up right there on my own lawn. Instead of immediately calling a friend, I faint, and I land face flat in my own puddle of vomit, and I start to drown in it, saved only by my neighbor, who just so happened to kill my sister several years ago.

As I take a shower in his bathroom (after thoroughly brushing my teeth from all that disgusting waste), my rescuer comes in. I assume he's just looking for supplies, but nope, he's looking for a little bit of ass, so he holds a gun to my face, he unzips his pants, and he vigorously penetrates my asshole with his large black cock. It surprisingly feels good, but he didn't think I enjoyed it, so he shot me in the back of the head.

I arrive in the Pearly Gates then, ready to express my heart and soul to Peter and beg for mercy, but he simply tells me "it's not your time, man", and I wake up in a puddle of my own blood in my neighbor's shower. I hear him dragging a suitcase across his room, and I play dead so I can catch him off guard when he attempts to bury me alive. Unfortunately, he sees me breathing, and he shoots me five more times. This time, I arrive in Hell, where Satan himself promises to grant me life once more if I allow him to perform anal sex on me. Obviously, I do, and this time it felt very painful, but he assumed I enjoyed it.

When I woke up, I was locked up in a leather suitcase, I heard the sound of mud being thrown on my "coffin", so I unzipped my way out and saw my psychotic neighbor attempting to bury me alive. I jump out of the hole, and he, still in shock, stands motionless as I strangle him with my bare hands. I then proceed to bury him in his conveniently dug hole, prick.

So yeah, crazy shit, I'm surprised I'm still alive right now, man.

[Letiger]

that is ABSURD RANDOMNESSS

[rofls]

You had buttsecks with satan?

[WeHaveFreshCookies]

What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing that with us. Although I think you could have made it longer. And it would have been nice if you didn't reveal that your story was total bull until the end. It's more fun that way.

[Craigie]

I think my eyes caught AIDS from reading this.

[cHunter]

You're super lucky!

:D

/high five

[Erikio]

At 9/5/08 11:12 PM, rofls wrote: You had buttsecks with satan?

Fucking win.

I lol'd

[americanidiot2f]

Ah, once I died twice in the same day, really, its extremely hard coming back the second time.

[Aryk]

Not lucky enough to get the 777777th topic.

[Spartan907]

At 9/5/08 11:18 PM, cHunter wrote: /high five

*slap* All right!

[x-Exodus-X]

That's nice, dear.

[griek]

reminds me of the eddie dickens trilogy

[jbown345]

if thats true (which its probobly not) sucks for u.

oh wait Pics or it didnt happen!

[mariomusicmaker1]

Pics of hell or only half of it happned :D

[RacistBassist]

No Bel-Air?

[jbown345]

sure it wasnt a very realistic dream?
:3

[Cordyceps]

Something strangley similar happened to me the other day. I had just revived my neighbour, who had passed out on his lawn in his own vomit...

[woogady]

Do you have like, a million scars and a dead gf now?

[jbown345]

yeah the other day i survived being gunned down in New Jersey, oh and i also got attacked by a ninja and saved this 14 year old from fap attack

[Cordyceps]

At 9/6/08 12:24 AM, jbown345 wrote: saved this 14 year old from fap attack

That's nothing to be proud of.

[AbsurdRandomness]

At 9/6/08 12:19 AM, Digital-Terror wrote: Something strangley similar happened to me the other day. I had just revived my neighbour, who had passed out on his lawn in his own vomit...

You... you... YOU FUCK!