Worst (and best) day of my life.

[AbsurdRandomness]

Wow, I'm a fucking moronic bitch. The whole (easily preventable) ordeal began yesterday, in which I prank called the cops with my old cell phone, screaming "RAAAAPE!" (through a private number). Of course, after I did it, all my friends we impressed by this innovative, risky idea, and since they so admired my comic genius, they wanted to fuck with the cops, as well. So each of my five friends decided to act like a fucking retard, telling the dispatcher stupid but involving and hilarious shit like they were getting anal raped too hard, or they just killed their mother and don't know where to hide her body, or lost on GTA, you know, the usual bullshit that sounds fucking stupid on paper, but engaging with friends makes a riot.

I, being the fucking retard I am, didn't realize five fucking prank calls with the same phone was a bad fucking idea. The obviously pissed-off cops tracked down my phone, and three cars arrived this morning at my house. When I heard them knocking on my door, I thought... FUCK! I'M GOING TO JAIL! I pulled on boxers (I was masturbating when I heard the cars pull up outside my driveway), went downstairs, opened the door, and "invited" them in, which is a tiny bit superior to having them kick through. Yup, they eventually found out I was the retard who made the first call, which began their strenuous, life-changing predicament, and they told me I'd have to go down with them to the station. Almost pissing my pants, I asked them if I could at least put on some shoes and actual pants before I go, and they gave me five minutes to get fully dressed.

I walked up to my room, slowly, calmly, and closed the door gently, but immediately locked that motherfucker, and escaped through the back window. Sorry, I'm not fucking going to jail, bitch. Unfortunately, they realized I was gone after about a minute or so, and they held a search around my neighborhood. Now, I realize searches are serious fucking business, but why would they need a HELICOPTER to look for a fucking kid who made a couple prank calls? I knew where I was heading (girlfriend's house), and whenever I heard sirens or... spinning blades, I'd duck or hide behind bushes.

When I arrived at my girlfriend's house, she heard the sirens and helicopter behind me, and while assuming the obvious, wouldn't let me in, that whatever I did I would have to settle on my own. I told her that I made a couple of prank calls, and they're reacting like I killed a fucking child. She then closed the door on my face, and that's when that distant siren I heard a second ago was two feet away from me. The cops came out of the car and started to close up to me, but instead of giving into their little bullshit IRL GTA faggotry, I ran. I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran. Before this "experience", I never thought adrenaline was so powerful, but no, I could've run to Kenya and back with this fucking rush.

But of course, I couldn't outrun a fucking car, so when I reached an alleyway to unsuccessfully try to hide, I was enclosed by cop cars and a 90 fucking foot brick wall. I put my hands up, dreading what I knew was coming next. Of course, instead of just calmly arresting me, they tackled me to the ground like I was an opponent in a fucking football game, they placed handcuffs on me, and half-dragged me to their doughnut-ridden piece of shit car.

I was held in police custody for about three hours, when my dad finally arrived. I rejoiced to the sight of his face, despite a shameful, bitter look on it. Then he spoke, and all glimmer of hope vanished. He told me that neither him or my mom were going to bail me out, and I'd have to deal with the fucking consequences. I told him ALL I DID WAS MAKE A COUPLE FUCKING PRANK CALLS, FUCK! He left me, then, and I sat in my fucking chair with tight-ass, extremely annoying fucking handcuffs for another hour. My girlfriend thankfully came to bail me out, telling me throughout the car ride home that I owed her, that I was fucked, that if I didn't pay her back the second I got home, she would leave me for good.

When I arrived home, I looked through my wallet for some cash, but all I could come up with was 55 dollars and a couple dimes. I told this to her, and she replied to me "it's over, then". I tried to tell her that I'll pay her back by tomorrow, and then she got out of her car, walked towards me like one of those cops who previously tackled me, and she slapped me across the face. I fell back, startled, and then I just lunged forward and kissed her, brutally throwing my saliva into her mouth, violently sucking on her red lips, licking her provocative tongue. She resisted throughout, of course, and by the time she got my face off of her, she pulled out a gun and held it to my face.

I told her "wow, overreact much?", and she cocked the gun. Of course, I asked her to put the gun away, but she wouldn't budge, holding it to my face, her finger on the trigger. After 5 seconds of the most awkward bullshit of my life, I slapped the gun from her hand and continued to kiss her. Instead of (the expected) punching and slapping, she gave in and kissed me back. I went back to her place and we had the most violent, passionate, nastiest sex of our lives.

This ended pretty well, I believe.

[kidd25]

well that life for you. my friend i thank you for wasting 10% of this three hour download. thank you :D

[Mr-Contradiction]

At 7/25/08 04:01 PM, AbsurdRandomness wrote: This ended pretty well, I believe.

That's nice.

[Strongbow]

At 7/25/08 04:03 PM, kidd25 wrote: well that life for you. my friend i thank you for wasting 10% of this three hour download. thank you :D

you read that for 10% of three hours?
you must be a pretty slow reader.

[Gunter45]

Afterwards, did you hail a taxi home and when you saw it approach, did you notice if it said FRESH on the license plate and have dice in the rearview mirror?

[Kalandro]

Well done Mr. Bond.

[Seriana]

If you wrote books, I'd buy them

[joeyjoe1]

At 7/25/08 04:06 PM, Gunter45 wrote: Afterwards, did you hail a taxi home and when you saw it approach, did you notice if it said FRESH on the license plate and have dice in the rearview mirror?

None of that sass.

[Dema-The-Hedgehog]

awesome

[Forty-nine]

At 7/25/08 04:01 PM, AbsurdRandomness wrote: ...and escaped through the back window. Sorry, I'm not fucking going to jail, bitch.

Wow. You made some prank calls, you only made it worse by attempting to escape.

[LivingStick]

I laughed, I cried, I fapped twice.

[Silent-G]

would've been better if your girlfriend let you in and had a bat cave-esque escape and you guys drove to kenya together.

[Achilles2]

Here's a tip - when you want to make a joke post, make it shorter.

And funnier.

And don't make it nearly 3 months after it's already been done.

[HeartBonbon]

.......I was enjoying this story, but at the end I realized, wait, he just wanted an excuse to 2 sentences worth of a sex story??? *sigh* I suppose it works, since this is a mainly male site, but please find better endings if you plan on ever becoming a professional writer.

[LivingStick]

It should of ended with you grabbing the gun and shooting her. Then you escape on a BigWheels.

[AbsurdRandomness]

At 7/25/08 04:20 PM, HeartBonbon wrote: .......I was enjoying this story, but at the end I realized, wait, he just wanted an excuse to 2 sentences worth of a sex story??? *sigh* I suppose it works, since this is a mainly male site, but please find better endings if you plan on ever becoming a professional writer.

Sorry I didn't follow up with my sex-part of the story... I feel uncomfortable when discussing parts of my life like that.

[Objection]

This entire story just doesn't seem to make sense in any way, shape or form, but at least it's not a Bel-air.

[Iamjohn]

Nice story, but it would have made a nice 6000th post thread.

[Chickenfork]

Why does she have a gun?!!?

[AbsurdRandomness]

Bumped because I'm better than you.

[B4gle]

At 7/25/08 07:37 PM, AbsurdRandomness wrote: Bumped because I'm better than you.

We're all equal in Gods eyes.?

Man I wish I was you

[Malachy]

Userpage much?