Revisionist History

[Gunter45]

Wherein we decide that actual history is neither awesome nor is it cool:

General George Patton (his given name, as decreed by God Almighty) was forged in the fires of Mordor in 1885. It is generally accepted as fact by anyone with half a brain that, during his formative years (not his childhood since he never had one), he spent his time wrestling bears and mountain lions for fun and profit.

Because wrestling wild animals and then ripping them in half is only fun for so long, General Patton decided to invent the pentathlon and then win it. Only then did he realize that this, too, was boring and he needed the thrill of killing men. Lots and lots of them.

According to history books, Patton then spoke the words that Jehova commanded and, from the dry bones around him, arose an army of exceeding might and power, which is referred to by modern historians as "The United States Army." He then decided to win World War I. Then he decided to win World War II. Both of which he accomplished single-handedly by slaughtering billions of Germans with his steely gaze and then using their leader's head as a toilet (back then, that was how victory was formally declared in warfare).

While he decided to set Kaiser Wilhelm's shit-filled head on fire and leave it on Woodrow Wilson's front doorstep as a gag (which currently maintains its status as the best practical joke of all time), Hitler's head is still on his mantleplace to this day, right next to his bowling trophy which he won for winning every single game of bowling there has been and ever will be.

He currently resides in his stately home in the Rocky Mountains, hewn from the very rock itself in his own image.

[Gunter45]

At 7/16/08 03:05 PM, LastSpartan wrote: Probably the dumbest thing I've read in a good while, but it got alot of laughs out of me. Especially the bowling part. Well done, sir. Well done.

At 7/16/08 02:53 PM, Gunter45 wrote: Wherein we decide that actual history is neither awesome nor is it cool:

No free rides here: ass, gas, grass, or ridiculous historical revisions.