Fuck Pandas

[Velcro]

Just an interesting article i found while looking for another more interesting article on the same topic.
The other article i was looking for actually went into much more detail but i cant find it.

If you were to think about a rubbish animal what would it be? Something highly dangerous such as a crocodile or something pointless and annoying like a fly? I am here today to prove that neither is the case and that crocodiles and flies can sleep easy in their beds, as they are not the most rubbish animals in the world ever. "Well, what is it?" I hear you ask, excitedly. "Well," I reply, eating a ham and cheese bagel. "The answer is this: the panda." The room fell silent as everybody waited for this brave young man to prove with science exactly why what would seem to be a harmless, loveable and amazingly cute animal could really be so rubbish.

http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/2732/
pndaeg5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is a panda.

The problem starts with their diet. Everybody knows that pandas eat shoots and leaves, bamboo to be more precise. The first thing that is wrong with this is that pandas are not designed to eat it. Their skulls are designed like carnivores so they can't chew bamboo, which is in its nature is very chewy. This is comparable to feeding toffee to a dog, not that anyone would be so cruel to do so risking a good ticking off from the RSPCA. Also, bamboo is pretty much the only thing they eat which is a bugger because it has very little nutritional value. In fact there is so little goodness in this chewy stuff that they can't chew that they have to eat around 30lbs of it per day, which means they spend most of their time eating. Although bamboo has very little in it, it does contain a chemical that causes drowsiness so after spending half the day eating, the panda then has to spend the next half of the day sleeping.

http://img238.imageshack.us/img238/1195/
bmboowm5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is the panda equivalent to tranquillisers.

"That is fairly rubbish," I hear you admit disappointedly. "But wait, it gets worse," I say, suavely licking the toothpaste off of my face.

The other pointed annoyance is that the panda is a solitary creature, preferring to live a good 20 miles away from the nearest panda besides itself. This is all well and good, I mean who would want a competitor with all the bamboo they eat? The problem arises when it comes to that time of year which most animals experience: mating season. Female pandas are only fertile for three days in a year, which means that if a male panda sniffs that a female panda is up for it, he has to run as fast as he can in that direction, still eating 30lbs of bamboo a day and still sleeping half the day.

If and when a panda does eventually get pregnant, the infant mortality rate is rather high compared to other mammals, probably due to their poor diet. Pandas usually conceive twins but when they are actually born without dying, the mother panda chooses one of them to raise and lets the other one die. The father, of course, is nowhere to be seen and does not intervene with the development of his child (see: chav). Of course, even with this selected child, pandas are not naturally maternal creatures, so pandas accidentally sitting on their young and crushing them make up part of the infant mortality rate.

http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/2748/
babypandaslolsq1.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
This is a baby panda. Cute, eh? Unfortunately it is doomed.

Along with all the physical, the panda also has political ties. Apart from the uncanny resemblance to a giant teddy bear, the panda is native to China, which as everyone knows is communist. Although not official, the panda's high profile status as an endangered species has earned it a place on many Chinese coins and has generally become the second symbol of the country, behind the infamous dragon.

Although poaching rates are low, due to the punishment in China being death until 1997 where it was replaced with 20 years jail sentence, the panda is still highly vulnerable to its habitat being destroyed by man. Should we poach them more? Does God really want them to die? But no, conservationists are saving these wretched creatures and prolonging their misery even longer than is necessary despite having to spend millions of funds of getting the buggers to actually mate.

[78]

But...there so cute....

[Electric-Bla]

Alright!

Reads post
3:

[homor]

no, FUCK YOU.

[homor]

wait, you didn't write this, you stole it.

go fuck yourself.

topic locked.

[Velcro]

At 5/14/08 02:01 PM, homor wrote: wait, you didn't write this, you stole it.

go fuck yourself.

topic locked.

That hurts really it does. I just thought the community here at NG would get a lugh out of it. I never said i wrote it.

[Federal-Panda]

these are going to be the last words ill ever say to you:
FUCK YOU!

[Electric-Bla]

At 5/14/08 02:01 PM, homor wrote: wait, you didn't write this, you stole it.

Just an interesting article i found while looking for another more interesting article"?

[Rideo]

Eats so much he must sleep for half the day? Always running as fast as he can to a mating call but never gets even close? Sounds like my roommate.

[Obvious-M]

Baby pandas going down slides into the snow and then gnawing and bopping each other is so god damn fucking cute!

[Sistine1408]

FUCK YEAH!

Oh, wait...

DAMMIT!

[homor]

At 5/14/08 03:19 PM, Velcro wrote: That hurts really it does. I just thought the community here at NG would get a lugh out of it. I never said i wrote it.

i wasn't saying you said you wrote it.

[skykid10]

Yes, FUCK YOU. You're the only one alive who hates Pandas enough to write an essay about how much you hate them.

[Kidlazarus]

This is a direct affront to Chinese solidarity! GTFO of here!

[NoneZop]

Pandas make me gasp.

[Prinzy2]

At 5/14/08 03:29 PM, Federal-Panda wrote: these are going to be the last words ill ever say to you:
FUCK YOU!

A PANDA! QUICK, KILL IT!!!

[homor]

i have to bring facts in here:

its not that they can't mate, its just in captivity.

[Dry-Ice]

At 5/14/08 02:01 PM, homor wrote: wait, you didn't write this, you stole it.

go fuck yourself.

topic locked.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

User banned.

[Twerpo]

I lol'd.

[Fragment]

Why the hell do you have toothpaste in your face?