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The Fruits of my Loins: Pain!

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LardLord
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The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:42:45

First off, I'm regarded by my friends as a gross faggot, who does disgusting things for attention. WIth that out of the way, maybe you'll be able to empathize with the strange events that have characterized the last few days of my life.

Some guys have been asking how my ass smells, and naturally, I wondered a bit too. As an attention whore, I decided to act on this decidedly idiotic concept, wherein I would report to my friends just how good or bad I clean out my rectum.

So I took this old magic wand from a magic kit I received quite a few years ago, and kind of greased it up with vaseline, olive oil, lotion, and about half a small bottle of KY jelly. Then, as you can imagine, I started to place it in my butt.

I actually got it to go waaaay farther up there than I thought I could, up until it was about seven inches in. I'd never done that before, so my anus was pretty tight, and yeah I was naked from the waste down and started to have a pretty big erection. So anyways I made the mistake of jostling around, and clenching up my rectal muscles, which not only got the thing kind of stuck, but it also pressed up against my prostate gland.

I think all of you probably know what happens when you jostle the prostate by direct stimulation. Yeah, I orgasmed unexpectedly, and it took me such by surprise that I didn't even have time to enjoy it from the shock.

I was in my bathroom when this happened, and my favorite pants were right in the line of fire, so they got sprayed with copious quantities of masculine milk. I don't care what anyone says cum; stains are fucking irreversible. So I was like fuck. But I got some new pants since then, so that doesn't really matter so much.

But that's not even the worst of the story. The shock of the surprise orgasm put me slightly off-balance, and my foot stumbled forward onto my SLIPPERY AND CUM-DRENCHED pants, and I promptly slid backwards, and landed on my ass.

Normally that wouldn't be so bad except that there was a PLASTIC ROD halfway lodged up in my anal cavity, which was further pushed by the impact of the fall. As I gazed out on the white linoleum floor, two or three blood droplets began to drip down the magic wand, and course their way down my perineum and inner thighs.

Not one generally up for embarrassment at a doctor's office after the incident last fall, I simply wadded up a large amount of toilet paper and placed in my tender anus after removing the wand.

Luckily, the blood stopped flowing quickly, but I fear that the impact of the wand on my large intestine and duodenum is as yet unknown. I don't know the source of the blood, and I have been hesitant to poop ever since then, although the one time I did, the pain was present, but minimal.

And lastly, I NEVER EVEN GOT TO WHIFF THE SMELL OF MY INNARDS, because the blood on the wand offset the scent! FUCKING GOD DAMMIT, that pissed me off.

DaVeB0T
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:45:52

I have a boner

LardLord
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:48:57

At 4/12/08 06:45 PM, DaVeB0T wrote: I have a boner

That's coo' I guess.

Since you are homosexual, do you mind if I respectfully ask you to check out my userpage picture, and comment?

DaVeB0T
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:51:23

Try some sounding next time

Dromedary
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 18:51:41

At 4/12/08 06:45 PM, DaVeB0T wrote: I have a boner

Same :3

I belive everyone does

MrPercie on Dromedary: "smug santa claus face, bringing nicieties to those he likes but shite to those he hates - which is everyone"

Sig by this dude

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Cloudcow
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 19:07:12

I got hard reading the story
But the picture, not so much.


GAMERCODE
</Facepalm>

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Cloudcow
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 19:23:47

Argh...Curse your delightful story...

Do you know how uncomfortable a boner is when your using a laptop?


GAMERCODE
</Facepalm>

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Dominickaos
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 19:25:12

This gave me a ragging boner, too bad I couldn't be there to help you.

TightRope
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 19:29:30

You spelled waist wrong.


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EgoistXIV
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 19:29:35

I'm gonna try that but I'll inject the pole sideways.


The greatest pain is wrought by the sweetest revenge.

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Bolo
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-12 22:36:31

You do some weird ass shit, man.


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LardLord
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-13 19:15:36

At 4/12/08 07:29 PM, TightRope wrote: You spelled waist wrong.
At 4/12/08 10:36 PM, Bolo wrote: You do some weird ass shit, man.

Man, Faggotfuck you guys.

I have a minor update; I think during the bad state of constipation I endured last night, along with eventual expulsion of lumpy poo, I accidentally, inadvertantly rubbed the scab off of my rectum, and it started to bleed. It was a little bit less than last time, but it still scared the shit out of me, both literally and figuratively.

Just thought you might want to know!

Sawke
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-21 02:24:11

Funniest and saddest thing ever. I have never wanted to laugh and cry more in my life.

Harmonik
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-21 02:57:28

You have some serious balls to post a story like this on Newgrounds. Kudos.


Turn left

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emochild
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-21 03:52:46

Have you washed the wand since then?


b

Twerpo
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-21 03:53:08

You most likely have an intense rupture inside your intestines. You can't feel pain in your intestines so you prolly won't notice it. If your poo is very dark or red colored go to the emergency room.


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bigjuicy
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-04-21 03:55:24

Yup.......

DonDonTommy
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-05-05 10:05:07

wtf, that is sick and disgusting,
but funny at the same time, your
brave but stupid to do that
lol !!!!!!!


Dondontommy
Bans.. | Press this !!!
Flash(25) Audio(2)

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Kiddmeizter
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-05-05 10:58:14

Cool.


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Bolo
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Response to The Fruits of my Loins: Pain! 2008-05-09 01:34:39

Look, John, I'm really sorry about what happened to you. If there's anything I can do, go ahead and tell me, and I'll try my hardest to make it up.


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