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MidnyteRayne
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Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:18:46 Reply

Now I'm quite aware this idea has been done before, and probably done to death (much like your mother), but thats beside the point. People, for whatever reason, find obvious shit funny. Humourous tyrades where people can say "haha, thats so true" are usually the best form of comedy. Now consider this an experiment in what people find humourous, or an experiment in how many people I can attract to a topic with "porn" in the title, or an experiment in how many 13 year olds I can get to comment "yeah dude, thats like so true lols", or just take it as the little things that BUG THE SHIT OUT OF ME when I'm enjoying a little "Me Time", so to speak.

1. Keeping clothes on.
This is a porno. The idea is that clothing goes out the window, on the bedpost, whatever. I want to see the goods. You may be saying, "well the chicks that keep their shirt on are usually a bit overweight or sensitive about their figure" or some bullshit like that. So? It's porn, any notions of modesty or self-esteem were a fleeting memory once that whore said "I will fuck you for money."

2. Crooked teeth.
While it's obvious your family didn't exactly have the kind of money to send you of to Harvard, goddamn. I mean the business has to have at least some kind of dental plan, right? Save up for some dental work, or at the very least do us all a favour and cover up. Seriously, watching some poor fucker get his dink raked by that bear trap you call a mouth makes me cringe.

3. Not shutting the fuck up.
Yes. I get it. You're getting railed for about the 4th time today. Yeah, it'd probably feel good if the inside of your vagina was not the size of a bread box. Now SHUT THE FUCK UP. I can see clearly what's going on, I don't need the play-by-play commentary of "YEAH FUCK SHIT YEAH STICK IT IN MY ASS YEAH YEAH DO ME YEAH YEAH FUCKSHITASSFUCKNIG GERTOMCRUISE." If you make me mute that shit, you're just ruining the ambience of the moment.

4. Excessive amounts of non-pornographic scenes.
So if by some fucking grace of God the scene is actually decent, and it stays decent for a good long while, you're usually greeted by something that goes along the lines of this:

*good stuff*
*good stuff*
*good stuff*
*DUDE'S FACE*

I mean shit, are you such an idiot that while in post-production of this particular video, you were editing out the unneeded bits and mistook a man's sweaty face for a supple 19-year-old's vagine? I mean thats the only reason I can see why you didn't edit that little bit of boner-kill in there, and if so, maybe you need anatomy lessons. Edit that shit out, I don't want to see it, and you completely killed my fapping momentum.

5. Barely legal.
That's believable maybe the first time, but even that's a stretch. I can see how you can market porn as "barely legal" for awhile for all those 50+ perverts who enjoy cranking it to girls who just stepped out of highschool, but you can only drag it out for so long. After some bitch has starred in about 20 films and has been around for a good 3 years, the idea that she's just "barely legal" and really anything but "nearly dead from STDs" ceases to be adequate. Not to mention when I can see this "just turned 18" chick on one site, and then 5 minutes later, land head over penis in another website marketting the same coked-out whore with the fake tits, fake lips, and numerous reconstructive surgeries on her asshole as a "MILF."

MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:20:30 Reply

6. Plots.
That is, if you could even call them plots. Not so much a plot but really just another mentally disturbed 6 year old's drawing come to life in the form of a personal narrative. Excuse me for being sexist, but I really just can't imagine a world where every plumber, gardener, pizza deliveryman, doctor, architect, astronaut, etc. Is a bosomy female with a libido greater than that of a 12 year old who has just discovered masturbation. If this were true, the world's population would have probably doubled by now and no one would have a tan after spending endless days and nights indoors shagging all the fucking time. Now I think I lost my train of thought but I'm pretty sure what I had to say went something like this: If I feel the need to sarcastically sit down with a glass of congac and thoughtfully stroke my chin stubble among other things while pondering the complexities of the universe with my pants around my ankles while watching this video, you've put too much effort in trying to force a plotline, fucking. stop. it.

7. Dude ass.
Ok yeah, I could've combined this with number 4, but I didn't and you're fucking over it. It just manages to piss me off that much more. The scene starts of quite well, the female specimen in this piece is carefully massaging her own body and if the entire scene carried itself out in similar fashion it'd be quite alright. Of course this changes when a hulking behemoth mass of ape-man makes itself present with his blindly white, hairy ass taking up the majority of the camera lens. By this point I'm not quite sure if I'm watching a sex tape or if I've accidently flipped to an episode of Nova and the third moon of Jupiter has just completed one revolutionary orbit around the goddamn sun. By this accord I can sympathize that the biggest contribution of money to the porn industry is the life insurance policy on every cameraman that has thus hung themselves on the spot after witnessing such a horrid piece of humanity.

8. I just wasted my life here.
With every scene, the just rewards come from the very end, as many refer to as the "moneyshot", probably so aptly named because this is the part that the audience pays to see and likewise is where the actors receive their paycheck and promptly pay a visit to their crack dealer for thier next helping of blow. On that note, I'd like to think that this would be the part where they pay the greatest amount of care to insure that it's enjoyable for both the actors and the audience, but thats hardly ever the case. Every scene ends the same fucking way, and that starts to piss me off. I feel like I've been severly screwed (no pun intended) by the waste of my thirty minutes. After going at it like a fat man with a jackhammer for what feels like a lifetime, the male participant in what they seem to refer to as "love making" will always, and I repeat, always pull out and then pleasure himself to a less than satisfactory finish. That feels like robbery to me, as I'm sitting here watching a man play with himself, and the female in frame is the only saving grace I have to not feel like a raging homosexual. I myself have only experienced his activity a handful of times, but I understand the idea of sex is to receive more enjoyment then if you were only doing it yourself, and if the last few moments warrant doing it yourself, then just call the last half an hour a waste of all our time. Learn the mechanics of sexual intercourse, THEN film the video please.

9. Learn to aim.
Whenever watching that small ending scene I play a little western theme in my head. The good guy and bad guy are in a standoff at high noon and the good guy, as always, is about to draw first and save the little podunk shithole town from inevitable chaos. However if this situation were anything like a porno, the good guy would draw first, shoot the outlaw in the hat, hit a rusty spitoon, and then ricochet and hit a horse square in the buttocks, who would then kick the town harlot square in the jaw and remove about half her teeth. In either case, I would proceed to LAUGH MY FUCKING ASS OFF. If in the event that during climax I somehow fucking missed such a huge target only about 2 inches away from me with mouth agape and hit her hair/the couch/another man's face/the cameraman, I would probably feel apalled and never act in another film ever again, but somehow these assholes continue to come back and continue to miss time and time again as if they needed a targetting reticle sent by NASA to find their mark.

10. Mouth breathing.
Probably the most abso-fucking-lutely annoying goddamn thing ever. If in the event you enjoy your sound like an ampitheatre with Dragonforce playing whilst you masturbate, much like any red-blooded American male, you will find this absolutely fucking horrid. SSHHHSS SHEEEEE EEHSHSSHHSHSHSH every five motherfucking seconds gets incredibly painful not to mention obnoxious and I can only sympathize for those wearing headphones as they are probably saying to themselves "Jesus Christ, help me mommy a fat man is trying to fuck me in the ear with a sandpaper condom." It's really no mating fruitlessly with a vaccuum cleaner.

TheMooseWhoLived
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:22:08 Reply

Beggars can't be choosers...


HI
I like oie just to piss GrimFenix off.
My $250?

MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:24:06 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:20 PM, MidnyteRayne wrote: It's really no mating fruitlessly with a vaccuum cleaner.

Last line should read:

"It's really no longer about the sexual act so much as the mental imagery that you are listening to Gomer Pyle mating fruitlessly with a vaccuum cleaner."

Skybolt-DX
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:24:25 Reply

11. Cock Zoom.

What? You need an explanation?


Eeeyup~

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Slayer3751
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:25:20 Reply

Well, do you feel better now that you got all of that out?

*stares at the MASSIVE wall of text.

jesus christ!
Twolly
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:25:33 Reply

To the last one, if the girl is whore enough to star in numerous videos and websites, then who's to say she hasn't had like 7 kids before the age of 18? True she would look more like a MILF with her saggy stomach apron and tits that look like a 72 year old man's shriveled balls, but the "barely legal" thing wouldn't be false advertising now, would it?

MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:34:22 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:25 PM, Twolly wrote: To the last one, if the girl is whore enough to star in numerous videos and websites, then who's to say she hasn't had like 7 kids before the age of 18? True she would look more like a MILF with her saggy stomach apron and tits that look like a 72 year old man's shriveled balls, but the "barely legal" thing wouldn't be false advertising now, would it?

So you "read" a satire about everything wrong with porn, and instead decide to take it seriously and side with the advertisers?

Go outside more, and preferably lie in the street face down.

Iron-Hampster
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:34:59 Reply

age 17! dont worry, in another year you wont have to lie about your age! :D

you can become a porn critic :D

they should make sections, porn for males, and porn for females.

ya hear about the guy who put his condom on backwards? He went.

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icehulk34
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:35:50 Reply

Hairy pussies. >:(


I GOT AFRO! DO YOU GOT AFRO?

fohn-jarmery
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:37:57 Reply

I'm getting myself some dynamite to blow up this wall!

Takes another look at wall

I'm gonna need a whooole lotta Dynamite!

drknes
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:38:15 Reply

I can't watch anything with a guy in it.

lesbian or solo for me
Lagatag
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:40:15 Reply

I dislike horrible camera angles where you see more of the guy than the girl, or you don't see the girls goodies.


bro at me come

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Proottalfain
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:41:31 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:35 PM, icehulk34 wrote: Hairy pussies. >:(

Hello boy a pussy normally HAS hair. It IS considered a deviation if you can't fuck a woman unless she shaved her pubes.


My signature was old so I changed it.

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Slightly-Crazy-Dude
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:42:19 Reply

Very interesting read i must admit, and you're more or less correct on all your points, except one. Why the fuck are you masterbating for 30 minutes? If you've watched enough porn to compile a complete list of the bad shit that happens in them, then i'm pretty sure you're a more accomplished wanker. Shit, i'm pretty sure that if i so wished, i could get myself off in about 3/4 minutes.

Anyway.

I'd just like to add one here.

False Advertisement.

When i purchase my DVD's (Yes, i've bought porn, i prefer to use the internet for more interesting things now) i don't read the blurb at the back, who the fuck wants to read "Watch these sluts get their asses humiliated by men with cocks the size of submarines." I look at the picture on the front, and maybe some of the 'action' scenes at the back. Now, i know it's a stupid thing to do 'judging a DVD by it's cover' but when i see a pretty looking lady posing in a seductive pose, i think to myself "I would like to see her get her bum fucked". Yet when i put said DVD into my DVD player and she isn't there i feel like it's been a waste of my money and a waste of a wank watching sub par ladies getting fucked by ugly men. Saying that, not all DVD's have that and i've had satisfactory wanks to satisfactory porn.

End.

someguy789
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:42:42 Reply

they should make sections, porn for males, and porn for females.

So all the porn on one side, and ___ on the other.

I see.

MrBravo
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:43:36 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:35 PM, icehulk34 wrote: Hairy pussies. >:(

I Second that motion... if your in the "business"... you can afford a razor...

TacticalShoe
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:47:47 Reply

Oh man, the male ass part got me laughing.

Every time I see a porno, I'm feeling really good and the world is all in order until BAM! DUDE ASS!

Biggest.Buzzkill.EVER.


I'm gonna go back to my room and be awesome.
Desert Punk of the NG /A/|My VA Demo Reel|Audio Portal|

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MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 20:52:31 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:35 PM, icehulk34 wrote: Hairy pussies. >:(

If you mean Japanese-status, hand-me-a-machete-i'm-going-in, then yes, that's really not necessary. On the other hand, if you mean any kind of hair at all that isn't shaved completely bald...Good luck with life.

At 4/1/08 08:37 PM, Z-esty wrote: how the video stops in the middle or ends early or some stupid bs like that

This is called a "clip." They are only available to those under the age of 18 and/or without money and/or without internet knowledge.

At 4/1/08 08:38 PM, drknes wrote: I can't watch anything with a guy in it.

lesbian or solo for me

Compensating for underlying homosexuality or fear of penises bigger than your own.

At 4/1/08 08:42 PM, Slightly-Crazy-Dude wrote: Very interesting read i must admit, and you're more or less correct on all your points, except one. Why the fuck are you masterbating for 30 minutes? If you've watched enough porn to compile a complete list of the bad shit that happens in them, then i'm pretty sure you're a more accomplished wanker. Shit, i'm pretty sure that if i so wished, i could get myself off in about 3/4 minutes.

You and I both know that instant gratification is usually less than satisfactory.

Arab
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:01:26 Reply

I have to say I agree with every single thing you said


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Slightly-Crazy-Dude
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:17:25 Reply

At 4/1/08 08:52 PM, MidnyteRayne wrote:
You and I both know that instant gratification is usually less than satisfactory.

While that may be true for some people, it isn't for me. If i want a long drawn out experience i'll grab the missus and have some sex, if i'm feeling selfish and sexually frustrated i'll dig into my porn drawer, grab a DVD and beat it off like no ones business. I don't watch full length porn DVD's, that defeats the point to me. If i'm watching porn, i'm having a wank or trying to annoy the fuck out of my girlfriend, and if i am having a wank, i sure as hell want it to get to the good part as soon as possible.

Now, standing there beating it off for 25 minutes occassionaly stopping to 'relieve the pressure' just sounds so ridiculous to me. If i wanted to be a sweaty self-orgasm-denying cunt, i'd get married to my girlfriend then try and have sex.

Still, saying that, i think this topic has potential. It just seems to me that no one wants to be honest with their self gratification. It's not a bad thing masterbation. If it's such a bad thing, why does it feel so good? Come on you cowards. I know 95% of people on here have watched porn and jacked off. There must be some sort of peeve you have about porn.

I'd also like to throw in that i don't like negro porn. I think it's a filthy disgusting thing. When they turn off the lights all you can see is two eyes.

fohn-jarmery
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:19:20 Reply

I hate NG Sigs with chicks in that always have the nipples blacked out

Isn't it annoying?
munchies
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:21:43 Reply

RED. FUCKING. SKIN.

FuckDemon
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:22:27 Reply

When asians make it awkward.


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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:25:15 Reply

Tan lines:
When you can see the outline of a woman's bikini. This has pretty much been phased out.

Overally Fake Orgasms:
If you're going to fake it, at least try and make it sound real.


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MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:25:49 Reply

At 4/1/08 09:22 PM, FuckDemon wrote: When asians make it awkward.

Hey now. What have you got against the Asians?

FuckDemon
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:28:01 Reply

At 4/1/08 09:25 PM, MidnyteRayne wrote:
At 4/1/08 09:22 PM, FuckDemon wrote: When asians make it awkward.
Hey now. What have you got against the Asians?

Half of their porn is censored and just feels awkward to watch.


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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:31:31 Reply

When you actually go blind, i hate that.

R.I.P. Ray

For my next trick, I will need a condom and a volunteer.

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MidnyteRayne
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:32:48 Reply

At 4/1/08 09:28 PM, FuckDemon wrote:
At 4/1/08 09:25 PM, MidnyteRayne wrote:
At 4/1/08 09:22 PM, FuckDemon wrote: When asians make it awkward.
Hey now. What have you got against the Asians?
Half of their porn is censored and just feels awkward to watch.

Well if by Japanese porn, then yeah. But if we we're talking about Thai/Japanese/Chinese/Vietnamese/Cuban/P uerto Rican/Indian/Italian/Spanish/Irish/Frenc h IDon'tFuckingKnowWhatNationalityIAm porn, then you'd be wrong.

GoForthAndDie
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Response to Porn Peeves 2008-04-01 21:33:02 Reply

You watch it. Thats your problem.

You never have this problem with Hentai.

I BREAK. I MAIM. I BURN. / Hentai /I'm the only one pretty boy on this BBS...BITCH./ The WORST flaming I've seen in a while.

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