Let me cut you off right before you say it- I'm not an emo at all. I'm not pasty white and I don't listen to good charlotte. I don't wear tight pants. I don't cut myself.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling pressured to do so much shit. Going to the gym, for example. I'm dreading working out tonight but I will still go because I have to atleast maintain all the hard work I put into my body. Plus, it's a big part of my identity with my peers that I'm buff, as sad as that sound. If I lose that, it would seriously damage my identity if I lost that. I'm doomed to continue to workout 4-5 times per week.
And I'm sick of going to class. I have never been much better than a C student. It's not because I'm stupid, but I just have no motivation to do any better. And I'm a huge procrastinator. I'd rather play video games untill 11 PM at night than do my homework which will take me all of a half hour. But I have to pass my classes. I have to graduate to avoid ridicule from....well everyone in the world.
I'm sick of not being able to get a job. I quit my first and last job a few weeks ago because I hated it, thinking I could easily find another job that I would like better. Well, I can't. No one will hire me because I'm still in school, plus there is just really no jobs to begin with where I live. But I need money, so I'm doomed to work until the day I die.
I'm sick of my mom being home 24/7. Ever since she lost her job back in november when the industry really slowed down, she hasn't been able to find another one. The market is really terrible right now. Almost all of her friends that are also in real estate lost their jobs too. Because of it, she can't afford to keep the house and we'll be moving soon, right before the end of my senior year. But really what I'm sick of is the over exposure to my mom. We have a really shitty relationship. I can't stand her. I hate almost everything she stands for and her lack of compassion. I don't remember I time when I love my mom. Shes a real ice queen. Luckily, I'll be moving out after I graduate in june.
Even weed seems to bore me now. When I first started smoking back in august, it was A LOT of fun. Now it's not. I don't even know why I still do it daily....it's not fun any more and just costs money.
I'm tired of being single. It's been a year and a half now. It's really damaging my self-esteem. I'm a pretty attractive guy. I'm pretty like able. What is it about me that girls don't like? Ok, to be honest, a large part of it is that I'm tired of not getting laid any more. You caught me.
And the weather...oh god, the fucking weather!! I hate this place. Oregon is the WORST state in the world. Basically all winter and the 2nd half of fall, and a good part of spring, ALL IT DOES IS RAIN(seriously, almost every day for most of the day it just rains). I'm tired of never seeing the sun. I'm tired of it ALWAYS being cold. I'm tired of it always being wet.
I'm even tired of all my games. I spend most of my free time just surfing the web. I need new games, but I just don't have the money. I'm trying to hold onto the grand I've got saved up in the bank for a car.
I know there are people who have it a lot worse. But that doesn't mean I should just dismiss all my problems.
Again, I'm not an emo. I damn sure don't look like one. I wear normal clothes, listen to mostly rap with a little bit of rock, and plus I'm half black. Black people are immune to emo.
But I'll keep on living the way I am. I'll keep putting on a mask of it all being good, but it's really not all good. I hope I'm just tired of this teenager lifestyle, and not existence completely, because that would be really not good.