What's your sign? (NG Horoscopes)

[John-Wayne]

NG, as we all know, your entire personality and fortune was pre-determined by the alignment of the planets, stars, comets and cockjokes on the date of your signup. It should explain how your quest for fame and attention on this website is going.

I am here to formally explain them to you.

FLAMER (December 22 - January 19):
You're a fag. I mean you're outrageously gay. Everyone hates you for it; when you're not crawling up our ass you're checking us out. But you've also got style. We'd like you as a woman probably. Mutilate your penis and come back in a week.

Dildo (January 20 - February 18):
Oh dear, you're just a dildo now aren't you? Metal, plastic, glass or wood, no matter what it is you're made of, everything about you is still so fake. Your threads are all overdone bad ripoffs and parodies. We'll be laughing at you, but for worse reasons than the fag you almost were.

Finger (February 19 - March 20):
Look at that pointing finger So dismissive, and shaming. You decided what's right, what's wrong, and always with your creative but never ever spammed FAIL.gif... With a little more creativity you could actually be funny, but statistics say that won't happen.

Eye (March 21 - April 19):
You're the spotter. Your threads are always about the great finds. A rare miss by an eye is usually locked and deleted, so nobody will ever know that dirty little fail anyways.

Open Mouth (April 20 - May 20):
Shut the fuck up already. You have an opinion on everything. Well, you can be funny in moderation. A truly great Mouth on NG takes years to develop.

Douche (May 21 - June 21):
Man you are just one giant douche. Sometimes I wonder what you'd be if it weren't for 4chan memes. Grab a cock, do a barrel roll, rape yourself, we hate you. Sadly you're the most prominent of all members. Try to keep things fresh.

Tumour (June 22 - July 22):
Wow dude, you just kill every thread. You're here to ruin everything we love and treasure. We'd have gotten rid of you a long time ago if cancer just wasn't so funny.

Pussy (July 23 - August 22):
Typical, cowardly little bitch. Stop trying to act like you're more mature than everyone. You know with a quarter of the people here, you're bound to get fucked. More than once. Be a better pussy and take the time to produce something worth seeing.

Dick (August 23 - September 22):
What a dick you must be. All you do is fuck people, or fuck with them. You'll be hated, but don't feel down. You know what comes with dicks? A pair of balls. Dicks usually have big ones. They should try to stay smooothe. That's why they can be so entertaining.Caution; a tiny dick trying to pose as a massive dick will only be ridiculed. A good dick grows.

Asshole (September 23 - October 22):
You know who an asshole is? He's the guy that just wants to shit all over everyone and everything. He's got a problem with you for no reason. They're full of shit so there's always something to learn from an asshole.

Steaming pile of Shit (October 23 - November 21):
You're such a piece of shit you even had to get the longest zodiac name. Everyone hates you, but in turn we all love to just look at or play with our little shit. Stay fresh.

Cumshot (November 22 - December 21):
Snuck in right at the end of the year; he can hate the new users 11 months before they get the honour. Sadly, everything they do is messy. Nevertheless, they can be very surprising and even clever if they stick to the right topics.

Well, should I post horoscopes in this thread once a week from now on?

Special irony; I was assembling date order and by chance Tumour landed on the same spot as Cancer in the real zodiac. That alone makes wins.

[towelie101]

Tumour (June 22 - July 22):
Wow dude, you just kill every thread. You're here to ruin everything we love and treasure. We'd have gotten rid of you a long time ago if cancer just wasn't so funny.

I just killed this thread.

[gamerpeepinpa]

Eye (March 21 - April 19):
You're the spotter. Your threads are always about the great finds. A rare miss by an eye is usually locked and deleted, so nobody will ever know that dirty little fail anyways.

Am I cool now :D

[Purpin]

At 11/10/07 10:18 PM, towelie101 wrote: Tumour (June 22 - July 22):
Wow dude, you just kill every thread. You're here to ruin everything we love and treasure. We'd have gotten rid of you a long time ago if cancer just wasn't so funny.

Same for me, sorry.

[Gagsy]

Open Mouth (April 20 - May 20):
Shut the fuck up already. You have an opinion on everything. Well, you can be funny in moderation. A truly great Mouth on NG takes years to develop.

Hell fucking yeah that be me!

[John-Wayne]

At 11/10/07 10:18 PM, towelie101 wrote: Tumour (June 22 - July 22):
Wow dude, you just kill every thread. You're here to ruin everything we love and treasure. We'd have gotten rid of you a long time ago if cancer just wasn't so funny.

I just killed this thread.

Sign-Up: 02/10/07

You would be so clever if you could read. Stupid Dildo.

See? I actually developed an algorithm that predicts users by sign up date.

[John-Wayne]

So far the 2 guys who couldn't read and tried to kill the thread by claiming to be Cancerous Tumours are actually a Dildo and Steaming pile of shit. It's SIGN UP DATES on your account not your actual birthdays.

[Lagerkapo]

Open mouth. It's better than being a pussy or a douche.

[HeartbreakHoldout]

/irony/

[gamerpeepinpa]

Cumshot (November 22 - December 21):
Snuck in right at the end of the year; he can hate the new users 11 months before they get the honour. Sadly, everything they do is messy. Nevertheless, they can be very surprising and even clever if they stick to the right topics.

Oops, messed up. Ah well. Good while it lasted.

[Purpin]

At 11/10/07 10:20 PM, John-Wayne wrote: You would be so clever if you could read. Stupid Dildo.

See? I actually developed an algorithm that predicts users by sign up date.

Shit, I did it wrong too.

Dick (August 23 - September 22):
What a dick you must be. All you do is fuck people, or fuck with them. You'll be hated, but don't feel down. You know what comes with dicks? A pair of balls. Dicks usually have big ones. They should try to stay smooothe. That's why they can be so entertaining.Caution; a tiny dick trying to pose as a massive dick will only be ridiculed. A good dick grows.

[Zerok]

Eye (March 21 - April 19):
You're the spotter. Your threads are always about the great finds. A rare miss by an eye is usually locked and deleted, so nobody will ever know that dirty little fail anyways.

How oddly fitting.

By my Birthday, I'm a Big Mouth. I would have found that fitting too. Although, that's what horoscopes are supposed to do, I guess. =)

[Lagerkapo]

At 11/10/07 10:23 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: Open mouth. It's better than being a pussy or a douche.

Oh, fuck. Signup date.

I'm apparently a shitty eye.

An eye nonetheless, woot

[oddworth]

Cumshot (November 22 - December 21):
Snuck in right at the end of the year; he can hate the new users 11 months before they get the honour. Sadly, everything they do is messy. Nevertheless, they can be very surprising and even clever if they stick to the right topics.

[Purpin]

At 11/10/07 10:23 PM, Purpin wrote:

At 11/10/07 10:20 PM, John-Wayne wrote: You would be so clever if you could read. Stupid Dildo.

See? I actually developed an algorithm that predicts users by sign up date.

Shit, I did it wrong too.

I forgot how to count there. God damnit.

[John-Wayne]

At 11/10/07 10:23 PM, Zerok wrote: By my Birthday, I'm a Big Mouth. I would have found that fitting too. Although, that's what horoscopes are supposed to do, I guess. =)

Would you like me to predict the name of your future spouse by doing annalysis of your cockjoke preferences?

[Sawdust]

Yay! I'm a dildo!

[rioluvsgames]

Asshole (September 23 - October 22):
You know who an asshole is? He's the guy that just wants to shit all over everyone and everything. He's got a problem with you for no reason. They're full of shit so there's always something to learn from an asshole.
hellz yes i hate u all bitches!!!!!!!!

[w4kcl]

Tumour (June 22 - July 22):
Wow dude, you just kill every thread. You're here to ruin everything we love and treasure. We'd have gotten rid of you a long time ago if cancer just wasn't so funny.

I just had to sign up between these dates.

[rioluvsgames]

At 11/10/07 10:29 PM, rioluvsgames wrote: Asshole (September 23 - October 22):
You know who an asshole is? He's the guy that just wants to shit all over everyone and everything. He's got a problem with you for no reason. They're full of shit so there's always something to learn from an asshole.
hellz yes i hate u all bitches!!!!!!!!

oops i did it wrong. i'm actually a. . .
Dick (August 23 - September 22):
What a dick you must be. All you do is fuck people, or fuck with them. You'll be hated, but don't feel down. You know what comes with dicks? A pair of balls. Dicks usually have big ones. They should try to stay smooothe. That's why they can be so entertaining.Caution; a tiny dick trying to pose as a massive dick will only be ridiculed. A good dick grows.

[LightandDark]

Ok, I'm the Cancerous Tumour.

Wait...fuck.

[Knights]

The eye.

I'm watching you.

[UltraPulse]

Cumshot.

[UltraPulse]

NVM... I did my real birthdate.... I'm a Douche I guess.

[UltraPulse]

gamerpeepinpa

Well, you signed up on my birthday, well thank you ;).

[Yacazuma]

"Finger (February 19 - March 20)
Look at that pointing finger So dismissive, and shaming. You decided what's right, what's wrong, and always with your creative but never ever spammed FAIL.gif... With a little more creativity you could actually be funny, but statistics say that won't happen."

Heh...

[Serbian-terrorist]

Steaming pile of shit...

No comment

[John-Wayne]

At 11/10/07 10:38 PM, UltraPulse wrote: Cumshot.

Sorry but both you and knightsofthecircle are Douches. Soak it up boys.

[Saxturbation]

Yay! I'm a steaming pile of shit.

[John-Wayne]

Looks like I got some of the dates off by 1 day near the end... my math was a little bad. I just took what I thought to be my own actual horoscope date width and went from there 12 times over. According to wikipedia, I didn't do too bad. They still work. Also, more people claiming to be the prestigious Tumour are actually dicks and pieces of steaming shit.