So I was getting ready to do my annual physical at the doctor's office for insurance shit. But I had just eaten bean chalupas for lunch a few hours earlier. So now, in addition having to go through this insurance shit, I also had to literally take a shit.
Really. Really. Bad.
I should've just canceled the doctor's appointment right then and there, but I was going to be a trooper. I thought I could make it through the appointment with little to no embarrassment.
So there I was, waiting for the doctor in the little alcove with tiny little shit hunks beginning to crowd up my lower intestines. I was hovering between staying right there, or getting up and going to the bathroom (which would create confusion if the doctor came in to find an empty room). But I was spared the decision as the Doctor walked in the door.
We went through the usual procedure, and the Doc (who was a moderately attractive female) decided it was time to check for hernias. I was like Fuck, I forgot about this shit. But I decided to grin and bear it. I could always use a discount on my insurance rates.
So I pull my pants down, pull my boxers down, pull my shirt up and brace the door. Now, this would be any normal-ass doctors' visit, any other day. But unfortunately, my ass wasn't really feeling very normal. So she grabs my dick with a little more force than I anticipated, and by the head instead of the shaft like normal doctors. I'm one of those sorts of guys who gets erections at the drop of a hat, so immediately, my dick goes stiff on me, and I hear my bowels growling at me through a long and winding fart.
Of course the Doctor notices, but she just laughs and says it's perfectly normal. I can see from her expressions that it's not normal, but whatever. I had bigger fish to fry -- like getting out of that room with my asshole in one piece.
Now comes the moment of reckoning. She insists on a rectal exam. No may, man. I try to insist to her that now is was not a good time for that sort of thing. But she presses that it's necessary to maintain good colon health. I really wasn't given a choice in the matter.
So she insists I lie prostate on the little table with paper draped across it -- ass in the air like a fucking faggot, about to get some doggy style loving -- And I have to.
So I do.
Anyone who's... assumed this position before... knows that it promotes flatulence to an extreme degree. So here I am lying on a faggoty table like a faggoty faggot with my ass in the faggoty air, and suddenly, I can't hold in the poo any more, and it starts leaking out of my hairy asshole down my hairy-ass legs. Poo & hair -- for future reference -- are not a good combo. An hour in the shower afterwards is what it took to clean myself up.
So at this point the Doc is kind of fucking grossed out, so she gives me a few sanitary wipes, and tells me to clean off while she leaves the room for a few minutes. Remember, during all of this, I'm still nursing the remnants of a serious erection. Was my humiliation complete? Not quite yet.
As I'm cleaning up the spilt diarrhea, I hear some laughing outside in the corridor, and I know it's my Doctor telling all the other faggoty doctors about how I took an involuntary shit all over the table.
Jesus Christ. This is the worst fucking day of my life.
