At 6/11/09 05:57 PM, J-qb wrote:
I don't know about this one.... It looks to me like you are combining two jokes...
First you would have the joke of taking a childrens poem and making it dark. Secondly you have the joke of all the panels anding in -ead/-ed/-aid except the last one which only rhymes with itself.
I am not sure whether you intended the last panel to be seperated from the rest in that it does not rhyme, except with itself. Either way I think you should change it to something like "he suffered brain-damage, and now he is dead". That way you keep the focus on the first 'joke', and even strengthen it.
Well the original poem completely rhymes.
Two little monkeys jumping on a bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
No more monkeys jumping on the bed.
I was contemplating making the last panel rhyme, but I felt that making it completely disregard the rhyming scheme made it stand out much more. I know it's hard to portray when you read it, but it's best to read the first three panels in a light-hearted rhyming scheme, and the last panel to be a serious spoken statement. If you want to compare it to something, I guess you could compared it to something like egorapter's easter eggs, when it's all happy and light at the beginning, but the last statement is all serious and forceful.
Also, the dark scheme is just because it's a ironic twist on a children's poem. The kids think "weee, we're jumping. Oh no, I bumped my head, oh well no more jumping." But instead it's "NO, YOU'RE IN A COMA NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT".
Either way, I think it still deserves a mild laugh :D