At 6/11/09 05:41 PM, big-jonny-13 wrote:
Okay, here comes a comic. The art isn't great, but I wanted to portray the story of the comic more, and the childish artwork adds to the childish idea behind the comic, which is because it takes a child's poem (five little monkeys jumping on the bed) and takes it to a whole new [darker] level.
Bigger version here.
I don't know about this one.... It looks to me like you are combining two jokes...
First you would have the joke of taking a childrens poem and making it dark. Secondly you have the joke of all the panels anding in -ead/-ed/-aid except the last one which only rhymes with itself.
I am not sure whether you intended the last panel to be seperated from the rest in that it does not rhyme, except with itself. Either way I think you should change it to something like "he suffered brain-damage, and now he is dead". That way you keep the focus on the first 'joke', and even strengthen it.