At 8/19/07 06:46 AM, Kuro wrote:
I did it!
I got the queen!
That episode was well ace.
Moving on to I'm Alan Partridge...
You're joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxindale-Thomas of the Norfolk Farmers Union. Now, yesterday, I sort of trod in a rather large farmer's pat when I made some comments about intensive farming. Where did I go wrong?
Well, I think your comments where ill-founded, they were deeply ignorant and showed a complete lack of understanding of modern agricultural methods, and simply serve to highlight the sort of intense stupidity farmers encounter from arm chair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouth, but with the full and frank apology you're going to give us this morning I think you can dig yourself out of this rather ugly hole.
Yeah...erm...sorry. Do you...you got any requests? Any one you wanna say hello to, or...?
Look, I'm just trying to say when you make ignorant comments like you did the other day it serves simply to alarm the public and inflame the farmers which is exactly what you've done. Why don't you just apologise and make it nice and simple an-
MOOOO! Thought that would fool you! You could talk the hind legs of a donkey, but your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put their chips.
Alan, I don't have donkeys. And even if I did I wouldn't feed them chips. This is exactly the kind of rubbish you talked about the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
I admit, that was a mistake, I shouldn't have said bap.
Good, well that's a start.
No, no, I should have said baguette. Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
Listen, you've upset half the farmers in this community, you seem to alienate everyone you come across, including I gather your wife which is why you end up living like a bloody tramp in a lay-by.
It's a travel tavern.
I don't care what you call your sordid little grief hole, it makes no difference to me, the fact is that an awful lot of my colleagues f-
Yeah, farm yard animals.
You're talking about my friends.
I've probably got more friends than you've got cows.
This is ridiculous.
How many cows have you got?
I've got a hundred cows.
Yeah, I've got a hundred and four friends.
I don't see what this is going to gain you, why don't you just issue a frank and full retraction of what you said and get yourself out of a lot of silly bother.
You are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth, and the plums have mutated and they've got beaks.
Beaks?!
Yes, beaks.
Have you got anymore of this or do you want to stop at quacking plums?
No, you make pigs smoke.
I want to know where you think you earn to right to go swanning off...
Ah, ah! Swans! You feed beef burgers to swans.
Do I?
Yes, you do.
Alright, perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding beef burgers to swans?
Wh-what?
Well if you fill a swans stomach up with beef burgers, it's full of fat, it'll float better. That's why we do it
Really?
No, you complete cretin, I'm just contributing to this total farce, what else are you gonna accuse me of?
I'll tell you what. You farmers, you don't like outsiders, do you? Like to stick to your own.
What do you mean by that.
I've seen the big eared boys on farms.
For goodness sake...
If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there's a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.
Have I got anything else to say here or...
I'll tell you what the point is. You have big sheds, but nobody's allowed in, and inside of these big sheds are twenty foot high chickens, because of all the chemicals you put in them. And these chickens are scared, they don't know why they're so big! They go "Oh why am I so massive"! And they're looking down on all the other little chickens, and they think they're in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. Do you deny that?
*Peter leaves*
No! His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
*Alan's assistant enters, Alan signals her to sit in Peter's chair*
And basically, do you agree that everything I've said thus far is completely correct?
Yes
*Alan signals for her to speak in a lower voice.*
Yes
And you also run over badgers in your tractor for fun.
Yes
Thank you Peter Baxindale-Thomas
