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Sorry for the triple post, but I guess this topic needs it :)
Anyway, I came here to post a little advertisement thing. If anyone wants to do a writing collab with me, I'd be glad to. Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or PM me. I'm open to almost all writing genres, and I'll almost always say yes, even if I'm juggling other writing projects!
Well, since there's still someone floating around here i'll post my latest writing piece.
This is a story about my survival after a catastrophic war. I'm not sure what happened to this world, but I can tell you, it's not pretty. The war has been going on for some time, and the result was sheer devastation. I hated the war ever since it had started, and yet everyone told me that it was for a better cause. I believed them thinking that everyone's opinions were greater than my own. Sometimes I feel like if I had believed in my own thoughts, I might have been able to change the outcome, maybe that's just me though. Either way, things are staying the way they are now, no matter what happens. The few hams that were left have given up hope in survival because of all the radiation. No crops can grow, and even if they started to, they would get to them before we could.
I guess I should explain about them now. They never had a name; no word is horrid enough to describe them. These creatures were thought to be created from all the irradiation after the war ended about six years ago. They come out at night and prey on anyone stupid enough to be wandering outside when the sun goes down. I cannot begin to describe these things in detail because of all the memories that it would bring back, though after hearing my story I'm sure you'll get a good idea of what they look like.
Money is a bigger deal than it ever was before because it is so hard to come by. The only way the people in town can earn money is take up mercenary jobs for the public, or sell things. Unfortunately, not everyone is fit for these kinds of jobs, so they starve because everyone only looks out for themselves in this town. Teamwork died out as soon as everyone found out that the crops will never grow.
Most of the hams around here are kind; they just won't stick their neck out for another. I might as well talk about the few that are still around. First, is the one who stocks the town with weapons. Hades isn't really one for conversations unless you're talking about money or guns. Other than that, he's not one that stands out too much. Bellum is kind of like the town's gossip. Anything that is new around town, she'll know before anyone else. She usually hangs out with Pestis. He's nothing really special, just your average ham, looking for salvation. Malice is a quiet girl; all she does day after day is tend to the food, at least what's left of it. She most likely keeps to herself because her childhood friend had fallen victim to one of them. I think she's just afraid to make another connection to another living thing in fear of losing them. The last two are the twins Polter and Geist, the both of them are almost like empty shells of hams. No emotions really escape from them; they speak at the same time in short sentences, usually in a monotone voice. Normally I would say that it was weird, or strange, but after everything that has happened, nothing really sparks those kinds thoughts anymore. By the way, my name is Cerberus. I don't really have any special features about myself, I work as a mercenary and I do my best to keep the town alive. Sometimes I feel like I'm the chain that's holding this whole place together.
Now that you know the hams that live in the village, I guess it's time to go ahead with my story. A friendly warning; this story isn't for those who believe that every story has a happy ending. I may have survived so far, but that doesn't mean everything wrapped up nicely.
I started the day like I have for the past six years. The second I wake up, I grab my gloves and scarf off the hook I built, toss it around my neck and start out the door. The second I step out of that door I head straight over to Hades' gun shop as I put my gloves on. I realized that keeping the same routine each day prevented me from getting back to the house after sundown, which kept me alive for another day. That's all that I really thought about after the war ended. Today was different though. I really hated that thought that started to float around in my mind; it made me think today was my final day on this planet. Regardless of those thoughts I continued to the shop. Why you might ask? It was so I could continue my day as I always did. I greeted Hades just like I always did. "Morning, got anything new in?" As always, he replied the same sarcastic way he always did, except he added something new after. "You never change, do you Cerberus? Anyway, I do have something new in, a nice rifle that I found when I was scavenging after closing time last night. " I stared at him in total disbelief. Hades never had anything new in his shop, at least not for six years. Concerned, he asked me "You okay there? You don't seem like yourself." Still in disbelief, I slammed all the money I had onto the counter and stated "I'll take it." without thinking.
Hades gave me the rifle without hesitation. I took it, slung it over my shoulder and began to walk home. This is something that I have never done after the war ended. Once I got home, I rested the rifle against the wall and sat on my bed and stared at the wall for about six hours. I was supposed to go work for the mercenary company, but I was in too much shock from what happened. What if something at the mercenary company was different? What if my entire day began to change? I simply couldn't deal with it. Again something new happened; I heard a knock at the door. I slowly curled up into a ball and sat on the bed waiting for the knocking to end. It never did, it continued on for about an hour before I gathered the strength to open the door. When I opened the door I realized why it never stopped, it was the twins. They slowly looked over my shoulder and saw the rifle. "Something strange is happening." That was the only statement that they made. After they said what needed to be said they wandered off back towards their house. I sat at my door wondering why all of this was happening today. I was scared of change and it was happening all around me.
Slowly I came to the realization that I couldn't keep little things from changing. As long as nothing major changed in my life, I would be fine. After I decided that, I figured I might as well go to the mercenary company and earn some cash. I grabbed the rifle that I bought and strolled out the door. Almost as soon as my foot hit the outside of my house, I was stopped by Bellum. Another new event had started to take place. She was excited with news, something I really didn't like. "Did you hear? Pestis found one of them just outside of town, dead." This wasn't some small thing that was of no importance, this is the first time that any of them have been seen dead. I was a little curious, but I set it aside to prevent anything else different from happening. I simply hung my head down and responded. "No, never heard anything about that. Either way, I have to get going." I strolled past Bellum and headed for the mercenary company. When I arrived, no one even bothered to ask why I was late. They just handed me my assignment for the day. As I read the paper, I slowly sat down on the chair behind me. The mission was completely different from what I usually got. Normally I would be ordered to clear out a thief's camp, now I have to take their leader out.
Part 2 sorry bout the lack of indent, when i posted it showed like it was then kinda took it away :(
When I asked the manager about the change in plans, he shrugged his shoulders and said "Things are starting to get out of hand with them. If their leader is gone, then the trouble will stop." I told him to get someone else to do it. I handed the assignment back to him and walked home shivering from the strange feeling of change that was coming over me. I felt like I would never be able to live a standard day in my life again. As I approached my house I saw Bellum again, sitting in front of her house crying. I really wanted today to be over, but I decided to talk to her. I sat down next to her waiting for about twenty minutes for her to calm down a little bit. After her cries slowed to sobs I simply said "What's wrong?" She clung to my arm and tried to explain her sadness. "A couple of hours after Pestis had gotten back after checking out one of them, he passed out. I brought him to the doctor, and it turned out that he got really sick. The doctor told me that he might not make it." I couldn't believe what was happening. Disease wasn't really anything that our town worried about, what could it have come from?
Perhaps this is what the twins were talking about; they did say that something strange is happening. Why did they choose to tell me this, or did they tell everyone? I decided to try to figure it out, so I asked Bellum. "Did the twins talk to you at all today?" She looked up at me, confused about why I would ask her something like that right now. She rubbed her eyes, sniffed, and responded "No, why do you ask?" Disregarding her question, I began to wonder why the twins told me what they did. I decided to go ask them myself. As I approached their house, I realized that my day had been changing drastically ever since I bought the rifle; even the twins noticed it before they said anything to me. Could the rifle have anything to do with all these changes? Before I had the chance to knock on their door, it swung open.
They both stared at me waiting for a response. "What is happening to the town?" I asked, almost in a panicked voice. They looked at me for a while and told me the same thing that they said last time. "Something strange is happening." and shut the door. Feeling hopeless, I decided to visit Pestis thinking that he may have some answers. I walked to the clinic, though you couldn't tell it was one because it was in shambles, it looked like it was abandoned. I saw Malice sitting in a chair in front of her store on the way there. Taking a side route, I figured I should be able to trade something for a bite to eat. "Morning" I said as I approached her. She looked up at me with the same hopeless stare that she always did. "Do you have anything to eat up for trade?" I said, getting to the point. She held up the brightest red apple I had ever seen in my entire life. "Where did you get that?" I asked her in awe. She slowly pointed to what seemed like a small pile of dirt with multiple things protruding from it.
I dug through my pockets, but I couldn't get anything to trade for it, so I moved on to the clinic. I walked up to the front desk and told the girl sitting there that I was here to see Pestis. She hesitantly pointed to the door that he was in. I knocked on the door and heard a raspy voice call out from behind it. "Come on in." It was almost incoherent. I turned the handle of the door and poked my head into the room. "I expected it to be Bellum. She lost it when the doctor told me I might not make it." When he said that, I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach; it was something I was unfamiliar with. Pestis broke the concentration of my thoughts. "You know, the doctor told me that he might have found out what it was that got me sick." This piqued my interest more than anything else ever has. "What was it?" I asked. "Well, when I was checking out the body of one of them, I found an apple near its body. You know how hard it is to come by free food, so I ate it. After that I came back to the village and passed out. He thinks that the apple might be the reason that I got so sick. You and the doctor are the only ones that know this, and I'd like you to keep it that way, if you don't mind." The story shocked me because I remember seeing Malice holding that bright red apple.
I shrugged the feelings off and said my goodbyes to Pestis. He told me to visit again sometime, but I don't think I ever would. Not because I didn't care, but because it stirred up too many emotions that I wanted to deal with. I decided that was enough change for my day, so I headed home to end these changes.
When my head hit the pillow, usually sleep simply enveloped me. This time, I couldn't even close my eyes. Because of this, I stared at the ceiling waiting for sleep to come to me for the rest of the night. It never did. Once six in the morning hit, I got up without hesitation and started to walk out the door. As I opened my door, again I saw Bellum crying. This time, her eyes were blood shot from how much she had been crying. Hesitantly I walked over to her again and sat down to talk to her. I knew it was pointless to wait for her to calm down at this point, so instead I just asked her right away. "What happened?" She looked over at me and started bawling. "The clinic was attacked by one of them. I heard that there were no survivors."
For some reason, the news went right through me. I didn't seem at all surprised or upset about what happened. I tried my best to cheer her up; after all, she and Pestis were the closest of friends. "Do you need anything?" I quietly offered. She shook her head and told me that I should stick to my schedule. The problem is, I never had a schedule on the days that I didn't have work. This was the only time I did whatever I wanted, though I usually stayed at home and cleaned my gun. I thought maybe it would be interesting to check out the clinic since they never went into buildings, even at night. On my way there I saw Geist, possibly the first time I have ever seen him alone. I was confused at this sight, and slightly afraid. I slowly approached him and calmly asked him. "Where is Polter?" He slowly turned his head and responded in the same monotone voice that they used to respond in. "Gone." Could he mean that Polter left, or maybe something similar to Pestis' case?
I don't think that either of them ate one of the apples, if they had, they would have both gotten sick because they share everything. "Where did he go?" I asked him as he started to walk away. He slowly turned around again. "Gone." I could see tears forming in his eyes, after I saw them, I knew the answer. I didn't want to push him any further on the details, but I had a feeling that they had something to do with it. It seems as though when they told me that something strange is happening, it wasn't a lie. I decided to let Geist grieve alone and headed towards the clinic. When I got there, I was surprised to find that it was coated in deep scratches. Regardless, I walked into the clinic without giving it a second thought.
The clinic looked just about the same as it was last night, aside from the scratches all over the walls. I found it rather strange that there was no blood. Whenever one of them attacked, there would be blood wherever you looked. They were the most violent creatures you could ever imagine. Keeping the thoughts of the creatures out of my head, I decided to check in Pestis' room first. I opened the door as quietly as I could, and peered inside. I couldn't believe my eyes, one of them were resting in his room. I was too afraid to move in fear of waking it up. I should have brought my rifle with me, but I was too used to my standard schedule that I forgot to bring it along. I began to close the door back over when I noticed that it started moving, so I ran down to the operation room, still trying to be quiet. I could hear it behind me running on all fours. This is the tactic that they use when they are chasing their prey. They usually walk on two legs when doing anything else. I have a feeling that I won't be making it out of the clinic alive. I sat behind the operating table for a good five minutes before I heard the creature enter the room. I could hear its breath as it exhaled from the thrill of hunting, as I sat behind the table looking for a weapon to defend myself with.
I found a small scalpel sitting on the table above me. I grabbed it and clenched it as if it were the last piece of food on the face of the earth. The creature gradually began to pick up my scent as it shuffled across the marble floor. It figured out where I was and looked around the side of the operating table. I slashed at its face and made a dash for the door as it screeched in pain. As I bolted out of the clinic, I could still hear the massive claws scratching across the ground, chasing me. I knew that I couldn't lead it into the town, but that's where all the weapons are stored. I charged near Hades' weapon store calling his name out like some kind of maniac. He poked his head out of his shop and saw me running towards his shop. "What's with you, boy? You look like a bat straight outta hell." His sarcasm was always inviting, no matter what the situation. I charged up next to him and began to explain what happened.
After I finished with my story, he looked down the road and told me that it wasn't behind me anymore. That wasn't a good sign, no matter how much I didn't want to believe it. If that thing wasn't behind me, then it was wandering around the town somewhere. What I don't get is that the sun hasn't set yet, why is it out looking for food? I told Hades that I would be back, and to keep a weapon near him at all times. I sprinted home and grabbed the rifle sitting against my wall. I needed to stop the creature from causing any chaos in the town; it's all that we have left. I burst out the door and almost trampled over Malice, who was standing right outside my door as if nothing was happening. As I stopped, I decided to ask her some questions. "Did you see any of the creatures wandering around here?" She looked at me confused and started speaking. This was actually the first time I ever heard her talk; her voice was soft and gentle, but quiet. "Why would one of them be around at this time of day?" Her response didn't really surprise me all that much, but I didn't have the time to explain. I simply nodded my head and ran past her. I decided that the next best place to look was around Bellum's house. She lived the closest to the clinic, so the creature might have broken off to search around her house.
I was glad to find Bellum sitting in front of her house, which meant that the creature never came near her. I still don't understand where it went though, the path between Hades' shop and Bellum's house leads straight through the town, so I should have seen it by now. Something isn't right; this creature was different from the others. Now that I think about it, it had very similar fur color to Pestis. An idea sparked in my head, the apple that he ate must have had to have something to do with this. I remembered that Malice was near my house, so I began to head in that direction. Before I could reach my destination, it came back. It was so stealthy for its size, it moves around without anyone noticing it. This time I was prepared, I had my rifle at the ready, waiting for its next move. Instead of charging at me, it sprinted away, almost like the rifle was scaring it. Perhaps it was some kind of ward to prevent them from getting into town. I was kind of glad that I didn't have to fire the gun yet, I never figured out what kind of rifle it was. I realized that I never really looked closely at it before, the strange patterns and shape of it, just where did this rifle come from?
I brushed the questions that were rushing into my head aside and decided that it would be best if I checked on everyone else. I headed back to see if Bellum was still at her house; of course she was, sitting in front of her door sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stand to see her so upset, plus, it's probably not a good idea to leave her alone, so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. "Bellum, you should stick with me, a creature is ravaging through the town. You don't have proper protection." She looked up, her eyes shining, and stated. "okay, but you have to promise me one thing." I was puzzled about her request, but it was the only way to get her moving. "Sure, anything." I told her. "You have to promise me that you won't die." Obviously I had no intentions, so I promised her. The next place to check up on was Malice's shop. It was a short walk, but I felt a little crowded with Bellum clinging onto my arm.
I knocked on the door and waited for a couple of minutes. I figured I should check inside, so I told Bellum to wait outside. I peered into the store's back room; I saw a bloody mess sprayed all over the walls. My heart sank as I realized that the back door to the shop was open, leaving easy access into the store. When I came back outside I told Bellum that she was fine. I didn't want her to worry. The next stop was to see if Geist was okay. Again I knocked on the door, but this time, I got an answer. The door opened with Geist cowering behind it. "Is everything okay?" I asked him frantically. "I saw it." He responded quietly. "Come out with us, we're leaving this town, it's gotten too dangerous to stay here." Geist shuffled out of his door holding a shotgun across his chest.
Alright the last post gave me problems saying that there was to much, Idk it was wierd. either way heres part 4
The last stop that we had to check on was Hades' gun shop. As we approached the store, I noticed hundreds of bullet casings scattered across the floor. The next thing that I saw was a trail of blood leading to the back of his shop. I cautiously followed it with Geist, leaving Bellum in the back. We got to the end of the trail to find Hades sitting in the corner coughing up blood. "Well, look who it is." As always, his sarcasm was warming, even in the most dire situations. "What happened?" I asked in a total state of shock. "Well, I found out that normal bullets are useless against them. And that a claw to the chest really isn't that pleasant. I'm guessing you're leaving town, leave me, I'll just be dead weight." I nodded my head and started out the door, then Hades stopped me one last time. "Good luck out there kid, don't ever change." He smiled a little bit as we headed out the door.
The last thing that we heard before leaving town was a gunshot coming from the back room where Hades was. We carried everything that we could to a point that we wouldn't be slowed down and began to leave the town. "Cerberus?" I heard Bellum's scared voice ring out behind me. "What is it?" I responded. "It's almost nightfall, the rest of the creatures are going to be out soon, where are we going to camp out?" I stopped walking. The thought never even surfaced in my head. If we stay in the town, we'll be eaten by the day walker, if we stay out here in the open, the other creatures will tear us to shreds.
We didn't really have much of a choice; either option would cause us to die unless we got lucky. As I was in the process of thought, I heard a loud crunch come from behind me. I turned around to see Geist eating away at a bright red apple. "Where did you get that?" I nervously asked. "Store." He bluntly replied. I was running out of options fast, if what happened to Pestis is what I think it was, then Bellum and I were the last ones with hope left. I heard a piercing howl in the distance. It was the call of the day walker, when it was in the middle of its hunt. I drew in a deep breath and did the last thing that I could. Think.
Blarg, sorry that was so messy when I posted, but when I wrote it, everything was properly done, trust me. Comments and critiques are welcome, lemme know what you thought if you had the time to finish it. :D
Oh, and one more thing, sorry for like the millionth post in a row, but this is important to the story. There are a ton of different hidden messages and meanings in the story, so if you think you got any of them let me know and i'll let you know if you got it right. A big part of it has to do with greek mythology, and some of the names are latin if your too lazy to look it up. Good luck ;D
This is an epic poem I wrote for school- It's only the first draft and I threw in lines sporadically, so basically it's far from complete. there are a few spots where there's "-" in place of actual verses or stanzas, which are just spots I have yet to complete. I also intend to improve the grammar of the whole thing and eliminate alot of the "and" and "as" words that begin most of the lines to make it appear less like a list of bullshit. It uses a pretty basic rhyme structure, alternating between ABAB and AABB.
Please respond guyz.
922 words, 4926 characters so far.
Part I: Countdown to the End
On one morning, peaceful day
the countdown does begin
and as apocalypse awaits
the man with the sign says 'ten'
Their is no sign as life goes on
But the Earth silently whines
The birds still sing a sweetly song
The man with the sign says 'Nine'
the dogs will bark
As the final days await
the horsemen will begin to lark
The man with the sign says 'eight'
And as the sinners begin to pray
one last "ah-men"
they look up and away
The man with the sign says "seven"
the kingdom then is in the know
And as the doomsday clock does tick
the animals scatter to and fro
The man with the sign says 'six'
As another day does pass
Sinners thank God to be alive
But the timer ticks alas
The man with the sign says 'Five'
A million souls will beg to be let in
As heaven begins locks its doors
As god's rule then is questioned
The man with the sign says 'four'
And as a fierce wind does blow
A rumbling starts at sea
and as the warnings still grow
The man with the sign says 'three'
as our race comes to terms
and there's nothing we can do
the earth begins to shake and squirm
The man with the sign says 'two'
The clouds arise and turn to dark
And the end has just begun
the horsemen begin to disembark
The man with the sign says 'one'
The day is dark and grass is dead
and there will be no more heroes
the sun will rise and the ends ahead
Because the man has said zero
Part II: Apocalypse
As it starts the forests die
and the chasm unlids its eye
and death begins to kiss its lips
and the world welcomes the apocalypse
A torrent in the mainland seeps
as ocean begins to reap
and water then covers the land
and the flood does then give its hand
And from the earth a mighty roar
as the ground begins to rip and quake
and in the air souls begin to soar
as the world begins to break
And as our reign comes to an end
And as we ponder what we are
Looming on the horizon descends
and nearing comes a falling star
the Earth then is in perfect harmony
lending itself to tragedy
It is it's one last joy
To be the ends one Envoy
Part III: Sleep
And after we then meet
our final end at hand
The earth begins to sleep
calming the savage lands
the birds do sing
and the flowers bloom
heavens bells do ring
and rebirth is on the loom
and from the deep rubble
stirs the worlds last life
the worlds last hope bubbles
as men and women and children come alive
not even the world could stop their love
not hells fury nor the gods above
the families innocence is burned
and there is no lesson to be learned
but through their hope they build again
a society thats free from pain
and no one there to take away
but no one there to pave the way
aimlessly they start a town
no laws or police to keep from crime
no man to lead them with a crown
and all this at the same time
as four cosmonauts revolve the earth
nothing there to give them worth
no reason to even believe
that in the sky, four people grieve
Part IV: Space
But as this all came to light
four men and women looked below
lost in orbit and in flight
the astronauts have lost their home
no contact and solitude
no rations nor even food
god abandoned them in the sky
and only he knows why
as the air inside begins to lapse
and violence starts to corrupt
a small spark begins to clap
and in their prison fire erupts
they say in space there is no noise
no one could hear the girls and boys
but if you could change those laws
you would hear their hopeless caws
the endless vacuum drains their life
the pressure crushes their hold
As their end shall come to light
their lives are gone just like our world
Part V: Mu
And what was humanity's last wish?
As doomsday was unleashed
Their words were just prayers on wind
As they begged to be forgived
But oh human's last hopes
begin to spread anew
And as its last remnants elope
to the isle of Mu
Part VI: New hope
All their rage is cast aside
all their hate kept inside
bigotry and racism gone
only hope and love still shone
death echoes loud to a shout
as it starts to grow their doubt
their trials are hard and their lives are short
but they make the most out of their work
humanity begins again
and man and man are friends
all their emotion fall astray
and hate dissolves and fades away
But oh the greed behind their eyes
and shameless crimes and hurtful eyes
and corporation begins takes ahold
As man repeats the problems of old
Part VII: The End
Electricity does begin to give
an ever glowing light
but oh the world does not forgive
another deadly blight
But oh pollution seethes the lakes
as they repeat the same mistakes
and forest again begin to die
As the earth quietly cries
And as the humans begin to grow
an ever expanding borough
Gods rage then begins anew
and anger then does he stew
and the ticking hands start up once more
as the clock begins again
And just as it was foretold by lore
the man with the sign says ten
"I can't see shit"
Pretty much the best thread I or anyone has ever made
So i'm hoping to write a whole book!
It is influenced by a lot of my metal music, a lot of epics(Like dante's inferno) and my past relationship with a girl who ignored me for three months after we broke up.
Every other chapter will switch and back and forth between 1st person points of view between a man and his wife.
I have yet to name either of the characters, but here's the general plot
An unnamed man waking up to be in a spirit like world that overlooks the real world, but he can't interact with the real world at all. He is dead, but he has no idea why or how. (I have yet to decide how and why for the wife to know, but still not the husband)
He follows around his wife for several months, she seems to be completely aware he is dead but she is devoid of negative emotions.
She smiles, flirts, is polite, completes all her regular activities, etc.
She doesn't seem sad at all, she doesn't seem out of place at all. She seems almost happy that hes dead.
As she begins to seemingly get close to one friend of the couple he gets more confused and eventually angrier at his wife.
He begins to feel she doesn't miss him, then he begins to feel she is happy he is gone, then he begins to feel that she never loved him at all and that she actually hated him and eventually he begins to think that she murdered him.
He becomes so angry he sort of changes into a demonic force with no rational thought and begins destroying that soul society(For lack of a better name, for now). He begins devouring other spirits in his pure rage and he becomes known as __________ (Help me think of an amazingly evil and still fitting name)
He lives forever in a hatred to haunt the paradise in the sky and turn it into a dystopia as he cannot touch the real world.
That is one half of the chapters, the other half of the chapters follows his wife's depression and how she is missing her husband dearly.
It follows her internal struggles as she completely denies that her husband is dead and she begins internally lamenting that her husband "Abandoned her" and she begins working with a friend who is giving her emotional support till her husband returns.
Eventually the husband transforms and simultaneously a cold evil chill reaches the wife and she realizes in a second that her husband is really dead and gone forever.
This puts her in a utter panic.
She then realizes she doesn't remember the last words she ever said to him, and this makes her frustrated - So much so she feels guilty and she kills herself, her spirit to move onto the spirit world to be devoured by her husband whom she recognizes, but he doesn't recognize her back.
I mean to create a depressing epic story.
Advice for the story? Thoughts? Opinions? Thanks in advance.
I don't intend on writing this story now, I plan on contemplating the story much deeper and when i'm out of school begin writing it for real.
Genius. Pure genius. Your story idea was horrible and premise so unlikely; yet you made it great. I can't compliment you enough through use of imagery and symbolism, this forum will not give you the credit you deserve.
As for your writing itself, you use too many of's and that's. Reread some of it and you will see what I mean, but I will give you one example:
You, thinking of yourself of importance
You can say thinking yourself important.
This was well written, your only other weaknesses would be how vague you were and how short the story is. Good job indeed.
At 1/15/10 10:19 AM, ChainsawNinjaZX wrote: @ PinballWizard976
Genius. Pure genius. Your story idea was horrible and premise so unlikely; yet you made it great.
hahaha thanks man. it really is a pretty abstract play, and i'm sure it's not for everyone. in my creative writing class i acted it out; playing the part of the world. and honestly it was awful. maybe it's just because a lot of things sounded better in my head or because i actually wrote it and i'm not really ever satisfied with my work; both in art and writing. actually, i think another thing would be that 78 was played by this girl who must have thought 'lol leaves this is sooo random' (can't stand those kinda people btw), and who also completely skipped very important commas and pauses, and left out words and the worst thing was 'consequences be darned". Like, everyone in the class loved it (both on paper and in action); but i don't think any of them understood the meaning behind it at all :\
I can't compliment you enough through use of imagery and symbolism, this forum will not give you the credit you deserve.
Oh well. i didn't really write it to be complimented. i just wrote it because i like juvenalian satire
As for your writing itself, you use too many of's and that's. Reread some of it and you will see what I mean, but I will give you one example:
You, thinking of yourself of importance
You can say thinking yourself important.
Yes, but that wouldn't be how 'the world' would talk. I couldn't see someone like tolkein (not that i'm comparing myself to him; god i'm not even on the same scale as him) having an elf speaking real colloquial and like how me and you talk to our friends. Grammatically, it might not make 100% sense; but it's sorta like 'you, thinking of yourself' as in i think that i am a more reserved person, and 'of importance' would be like i think i am of importance. i dunno; i didn't really read over it after i finished that much. i think i only did one revision. but i guess when you get on a roll speaking like that; you don't really think about what makes sense and what doesn't. my bad.
This was well written, your only other weaknesses would be how vague you were and how short the story is. Good job indeed.
I can see what you mean. i really don't like the ending when he (she?, it?) gets taken underground. i really coulda done better on that; or in between acts 1 & 2. as far as length; it was required to be 3 acts - no more no less. longer than other peoples', but i felt like i was repeating myself a lot in it. definitely things i need to work on.
thanks for the review man. i'll be sure to remember this next time i'm writing
Jeez, it's been awhile. I got my start here nearly three years ago, and haven't really been active here at all since. I found this site named Papertank but that just got shut down yesterday, so... Yeah. Back again =P probably will submit something soonish, we'll see. I'm trying to find a new site to join but for now I'm just gonna hang around here.
To be or not to be....
You get the idea.
Place has been dead for quite some time obviously. But would like to try and join up around here. But write poetry and short stories so guess if this place can pick up some then will post some of my works up here.
At 12/18/10 03:52 PM, Pandamir wrote: Place has been dead for quite some time obviously. But would like to try and join up around here. But write poetry and short stories so guess if this place can pick up some then will post some of my works up here.
I figured that this club would pretty much lose it's purpose with the Writer's Forum Lounge in the writing forum. Perhaps not though because I still see plenty of video game clubs still existing even though their a video game forum.
How many years have you been writing: 35 years
How many flash story's you have written: what is a flash story?
How many real life story's you have written: In my personal writing none, but I worked on a couple of newspapers a few years back.
And your name (optional): addie
So what's up, people?
At 1/11/10 07:20 PM, Zuproc wrote: Nice stuff guys. Next time I drop by I'll post something!
How do you guys feel about fan fiction? I refer not to "Voldemort discovers a sudden sexual attraction to Harry Potter" fanfics of course. My preference is fan fiction that focuses on semi-realistic, practical changes. "What-ifs" is the proper term. Like, "what-if Simba had fallen instead of Scar?" or "what-if Moriarty was the hero, and Sherlock the villain?". I love the twists on logic/perspective that can come from turning one character from a nice person to a complete asshole. Hold on, by that, I mean that person. I wouldn't like a fic that said "Person A is canonically celibate, but in this fic, Person A is a horny devil and all the ladies want him". No, my interest comes in when it's Person A, and Person A alone that has changed, when a single change has disrupted or altered the world they live in. Etc.
I also like fanfics that capitalize on vague concepts and stories that make "continuations" for cancelled series like Sliders and Heroes.
Anyway, I'm not the kind of fan fic writer who gets massively upset with criticism. I'm actually looking for feedback on most of my stories, because I seem to lack the talent to garner attention/response. I'm also not very good at syntax and diction, I think at least, so any feedback is welcome - good, bad, honest, critical.
if I may be so daring, I keep my stories on this account for those intrigued. For my writing style, I'd say I like to write characters with a degree of realism depending on where they come from. An anime character's probably more subject to "being able to lift a mountain, but getting backhanded by an angry female for comic relief" than the average comic book/graphic novel character. I like to make things "down to earth", audaciously even. At the same time, the list of stories on my account may come off as being overwhelmingly mishanthropic or sadistic - contrary to the standard "Dark Fic" however, I still believe in heroes and happy endings, although not to out the non-currently existent endings of my fanfics.
The point I'm trying to make is: a deal of these fics are rated mature for a reason. Honestly, my two biggest fears are: overwhelmingly negative criticism that doesn't detail the cliches or flaws in my story, and mentally scarring a young child/teenager. So if you're not comfortable with potentially explicit writing, then pretend this explanation never happened.
How many years have you been writing: 2006 was the year I made my first fanfiction net account. That was my first "hardcore" step into writing, but I've been interested in creative writing since elementary.
How many flash story's you have written: I wrote a couple on my old, locked-out account Rague, but most were rubbish produced from my 6th-grader brain.
How many real life story's you have written: None I'm afraid. I've had some ideas, but flexing those ideasi nto a novel hasn't happened yet.
And your name (optional): Demonbrunch/Fanfiction of the Dead
Favorite Author: Ironically, I don't read too many novels -Although I haven't read all of their series yet, I've wanted to take a look at Lord of the Rings and the original Sherlock Holmes stories. If I had to pick favorite authors, I guess it would be Conan Doyle and Tolkien for the representations/adaptions of their characters that I've witnessed, and from what little I've read of The Fellowship of the Ring.
So yeah, bump.