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Don't make the same mistake I did.

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TheD-LucksEdition
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Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:20 PM Reply

Yesterday afternoon was a relatively sunny one, with birds singing and children playing. I decided to go out for a walk, as the weather was so great and I didn’t want to waste it. However, as I went to go into my local newsagents, some God-botherer comes up to me and remarks rather loudly that I’m going to Hell for all my sins. So loud in fact, that the two of us were getting quite a few stares from passers-by.
“Listen, mate, I just want to get a Yorkie from the shop. Can I just go and get one while you leave me alone?” I asked as politely as I could, but the preacher could tell I was getting exceedingly pissed off.
“Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you? With your money that you probably took from some old man while he was sleeping in the gutter,” he retorted with a real ugly sneer on his face.
“What? Just leave me the hell alone, all I want is some damn chocolate.”
“Two.”
“What?”
“Two. TWO. Two curses were in those sentences. A sure sign that you couldn’t care less about the inevitable eternal damnation that lies ahead of you,” the Bible basher accused.
At this point I just didn’t care any more. I brushed him out of the way as I headed towards the shop. But the goon kept following me with cries of “Jesus can save you!”, and, “Your soul is tainted!” Even when I was at the counter paying for my Yorkie, he was reciting Bible verses at me. As I left the shop, I was blocked by him yet again.

“WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?” I yelled at him, uncaring for the glances and strange looks the two of us were receiving.
“I want for you to be saved. Just come with me!” he replied.
“No, just bugger off, will you?” I said desperately.
“Come with me,” he repeated sternly.
I’d had enough. I ran. I ran as fast as I could, but the freak was relentless in his pursuit of me. I ducked down a side street, and who should I meet, but Barry from Eastenders.
“Watch out!” Barry cried as I bumped into him.
“Sorry. Hey, you’re Barry from Eastenders!” I said.
“Yeah, I am. Now then, what’s the rush?”
“A crazy preacher won’t leave me alone.”
A gleam appeared in Barry’s wise eyes.
“Ah, I can help you there,” he said. “All you’ve got to do is rescue a dog from the RSPCA shelter and give it to him. He should leave you alone after receiving such a gift.”
I looked back at Barry with a dumbfounded look. “What? I haven’t got enough money for a dog! I can’t do that, it’s just-“
I was cut off at that moment by the preacher, who had spotted me down the alleyway.
“Sorry, Barry, no time,” I blurted out before quickly continuing my dash. Out of the corner of my eye as I turned, I swear I saw Barry shaking his head in disappointment.
At that moment, the preacher dived at me and grabbed my legs. I tripped over; I felt my nose crunch against the pavement. The preacher looked at me with a deranged look in his eyes as he pulled out a cloth from his pocket and smothered it over my face. I began to feel dizzy and my vision became hazy. Chloroform. As I drifted into unconsciousness, I heard the preacher whisper, “You must be saved…..”

I recently awoke to find myself in an odd prison-like cell, with several rabid looking weasels blocking my way out. If I even tried to escape, I’d be ripped to shreds. So now I’m stuck here, informing you all of my tale so that you never make the mistake I did.

Moral of the story: ALWAYS LISTEN TO BARRY FROM EASTENDERS, FOR HE KNOWS ALL.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

TheMaster
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:22 PM Reply

I still wouldn't trust a man who wanks over a pen.


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Catoblepas
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:23 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:20 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: I recently awoke to find myself in an odd prison-like cell, with several rabid looking weasels blocking my way out. If I even tried to escape, I’d be ripped to shreds. So now I’m stuck here, informing you all of my tale so that you never make the mistake I did.

At least you have a working computer and an Internet connection in there. You should be fine.


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Dark-Crimson-King
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:25 PM Reply

did he rape you?

AtomicTerrorist
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TheD-LucksEdition
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:26 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:23 PM, Catoblepas wrote:
At 6/3/07 01:20 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: I recently awoke to find myself in an odd prison-like cell, with several rabid looking weasels blocking my way out. If I even tried to escape, I’d be ripped to shreds. So now I’m stuck here, informing you all of my tale so that you never make the mistake I did.
At least you have a working computer and an Internet connection in there. You should be fine.

The only websites I'm allowed on are this site, Wikipedia, and worst of all, the Coronation Street website.

I hope someone saves me soon.

SCUD14
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:27 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:20 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: stuff

RAPTOR JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!

Don't make the same mistake I did.


Stop looking

Ceti
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:30 PM Reply

I got bored about halfway through... mhm


Grey power.

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:31 PM Reply

that was a really good story

jesseRYU
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:35 PM Reply

lol that was pretty funny.


New at flash then get some help.

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TheMaster
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:35 PM Reply

I found an artist interpretation of the situation.

Don't make the same mistake I did.


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SCUD14
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:36 PM Reply

lol, why is he watching NG on TV?


Stop looking

TheD-LucksEdition
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:37 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:35 PM, TheMaster wrote: I found an artist interpretation of the situation.

Pretty accurate, except there's way more rabid weasels and less evil-looking turds.

HeartbreakHoldout
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:37 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:27 PM, SCUD14 wrote: RAPTOR JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!

Fuck Raptor Jesus. If he'd have listened to Barry from Eastenders, he wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
I went to one of Barry's frequent sermons last week, and was lucky enough to snap a photo of him close range. Dan, you really should've listened to him, he helped me with my... problems. You know the ones.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:37 PM Reply

That's a long and funny story, actually.


Insert funny reference here.

The-evil-bucket
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:37 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:26 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote:

:The only websites I'm allowed on are this site, Wikipedia, and worst of all, the Coronation Street :website.


I hope someone saves me soon.

Quick, search "lock picking" on Wikipedia!


There is a war going on in you're mind. People and ideas all competing for you're thoughts. And if you're thinking, you're winning.

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Gagsy
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:38 PM Reply

And he's singing voice will amaze you.

Stupid Natalie from Eastenders cheating on him..


[I've been wandering round but I still come back to you]

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TheD-LucksEdition
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:42 PM Reply

UPDATE: Johnny Depp somehow infiltrated the building and attempted to rescue me, but he hadn't banked on there being rabid, starving weasels.
They immediately latched onto his face and scrotum through his trousers and began to tear him apart.
"Get off me, you little buggers, savvy?" he yelled, but this yell on anguish only alerted more preachers who doused his face in holy water. His head dissolved instantly.
So I'm still here, and now I've got Johnny Depp's blood all over my monitor. Fantastic.

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:43 PM Reply

So you tried to make a parody topic? Sorry, but that was horrible.


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"Man is a universe within himself." ~ Bob Marley

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:44 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:42 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: UPDATE: Johnny Depp somehow infiltrated the building and attempted to rescue me, but he hadn't banked on there being rabid, starving weasels.
They immediately latched onto his face and scrotum through his trousers and began to tear him apart.
"Get off me, you little buggers, savvy?" he yelled, but this yell on anguish only alerted more preachers who doused his face in holy water. His head dissolved instantly.
So I'm still here, and now I've got Johnny Depp's blood all over my monitor. Fantastic.

Drink the blood! Johnny Depp has consumed so much rum in his rife his bloodi s alcoholic you will still be trapped but you will be drunk and I think we can all definitely agree that being drunk helps.


You see the wine bottle? It WAS full!
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:45 PM Reply

The worst Bible-Humpers are American and British ones

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:46 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:37 PM, The-evil-bucket wrote: Quick, search "lock picking" on Wikipedia!

He doesn't need to, because he already is the master of unlocking.

It's just that those evil turds from hell are keeping him imprisoned.


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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:47 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 01:42 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: UPDATE:

Don't worry, I've alerted Barry Scott to your problems, and he is trying to distract the preachers with a penny in Cillit Bang as we speak.
Keep us posted with how you're getting on.

TheD-LucksEdition
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:58 PM Reply

UPDATE 2: Simon Cowell has just attempted a rescue as well. He did significantly better than Depp did, he criticised some of the weasels' growling, saying it was way out of tune and off-key, causing some of them to kill themselves. He tried to enter the cell, but his enormous ego-inflated head got stuck in the doorway. The remaining weasels promptly devoured his legs and arms. Preachers came and took the carcass away.

Things are starting to look hopeless.

TheMaster
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:08 PM Reply

­­­

Don't make the same mistake I did.


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TheD-LucksEdition
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:20 PM Reply

UPDATE 3: Yet another rescue attempt has just transpired; I had no idea so many people want me free. This time, the would-be rescuer was none other than the legend, HOWARD BROWN FROM THE HALIFAX ADVERTS. He strode up to the weasels, who growled and foamed at the mouth persistantly.

And then Howard struck.

He broke into song, singing "WHO GIVES YOU EXTRA, WHO, WHO, WE DO" as loud as possible. The weasels couldn't help but have a giant cashback bonus of a rave, complete with mini disco ball.
"Come on! We've got to get out of here now!" Howard cried.
But suddenly, a huge jet of holy water burst through his chest, narrowly missing my face. Howard crumpled to the ground with a cold, shocked look on his face. Preachers were standing behind him with huge guns filled to the brim with holy water. They snapped the weasels out of their trance, smacked me in the face, and disabled my access to Wikipedia before locking me up once more.

Will no one save me successfully? Only time will tell......

HeartbreakHoldout
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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:22 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 02:20 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: Will no one save me successfully? Only time will tell......

Only Ace Rimmer can save you now, surely.

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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:23 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 02:22 PM, HeartbreakHoldout wrote:
At 6/3/07 02:20 PM, TheD-LucksEdition wrote: Will no one save me successfully? Only time will tell......
Only Ace Rimmer can save you now, surely.

He's probably not even in our dimension at the minute, what with all the Nazis he has to fight.

Also, I take it for granted the majority of that last rescue took place in slow motion, right?


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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:27 PM Reply

Do not worry! I managed to get ahold of Carlton Banks! I think he will save you!


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Response to Don't make the same mistake I did. Jun. 3rd, 2007 @ 02:40 PM Reply

At 6/3/07 02:27 PM, Niyou77 wrote: Do not worry! I managed to get ahold of Carlton Banks! I think he will save you!

He's nothing without Tom Jones. And Tom Jones is Welsh, so what the fuck would he do?