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By my Grandpa!
I've been really horny all day today. my mom left for work at 5:30 and I felt the need to masturbate. The thing is, I just read the masturbation method suggested in this thread (which is just orgasmic) and tried the "fifi" method on page 5 (which plain sucks) as well.
I was preparing my pillow for humpage but due to the long amount of time needed to find and prepare the items, I had lost my erect state. I knew but one thing that could help me in my time of erection need. Hardcore Porn (cue choir music). I got onto my computer and opened up some Amy Reid porn (she is just the fucking hottest shit every) and started to hump away.
In the middle of it, I hear my cell-phone going off. I'm busy shagging away at a pillow and I'm not going to stop my pleasure for a dumb phone call. A few moments after my cell-phone stops ringing, I hear my home phone ringing. God damn this person is persistent. I then hear the answering machine and hear my grandpa saying something that I couldn't hear due to the hardcore porn (cue choir music again) going on. I keep masturbating without a care in the world.
A couple minutes later, I hear a loud knocking at my door. HOLY SHIT! My grandpa is right oustide my door and I'm naked humpin a pillow! Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but my computer is only twenty feet from the door. Not only that, but the walls in my house are incredibly thin. I'm talking two inches thin. I have hardcore porn blaring and my grandpa is right outside my house in the perfect position to hear it. Thank god he is upwards of 85 years old and can't hear for shit.
My adrenaline spikes and I know I have to get the fuck out of here, fast. Then, the worse thing possible happens. As I'm trying to close my porn out, my computer freezes. FUCK! I quickly shut it down manually, having to hold down the power button for three precious seconds. As soon as it's turned off I grab my pillow humping contraption and run like hell to the bathroom. Meanwhile, my grandpa is getting all pissed off that I'm not answering him, calling my name at the front door.
I get into the bathroom with my boxers, and pillow and take a deep breath. Then I remember something. I left the lotion blatently out on the table! Shit! I know now that I look back on it my grandpa probably wouldn't have noticed but I didn't want to risk it. I run, still naked, back to the table and grab the lotion. As I'm doing this, I hear the mechanism of the door cycling. Fuck, he's using his own keys to get in, I don't have much time. I run full sped to the bathroom, close it and lock it. He's now irratated and slightly scared that something might have happened to me.
Finally able to relax I answer his calls. I make like I was taking a dump and talk to him about what he wants. Apparently he wanted to know if I wanted him to pick up an Mcdonalds for dinner. I tell him politely that I wouldn't want any and he goes away. I wait for about two or three minutes before gathering enough courage to exit the bathrom and look around. He left and all that's left of him is the adrenaline pumping through my system.
Damn that was close.
Also. yes. I did immediatly go on the BBS and write a story about it.
At 5/27/07 01:03 AM, ZeroAsALimit wrote: He could have joined in.
You could have surreally left the narrative and went to stay in Bel Air.
I'm truthing though.
At 5/27/07 01:08 AM, SavvasSavvinidis wrote: That entertained me for a few minutes.
It only takes like 1 minute to read, wtf were you doing, the pillow. O ya and creator of this thread, I have some advice for you, "get a fucking girlfriend".
At 5/27/07 01:20 AM, ZeroAsALimit wrote:At 5/27/07 01:19 AM, Twerpo wrote: I'm truthing though.Yeah, but you have to get these memes out of the way fast and hard, or they will keep cropping up.
I thought that meme stopped a couple months ago. : \
i not going to lie that right there would be a better plot to a movie then some movies that are out........ :)
At 5/27/07 01:24 AM, Twerpo wrote: I thought that meme stopped a couple months ago. : \
Memes are like the Borg man. They just never stop.
I almost got caught looking at watersports today, so I know how you feel.
Please, Don't get naked if you don't have to, Especially if someone else is in the same house as you. It takes a long time to get it back on you.
You know what would be really neat? These things actually being noticeable.
At 5/27/07 01:23 AM, ripoffhitman wrote:At 5/27/07 01:08 AM, SavvasSavvinidis wrote: That entertained me for a few minutes.It only takes like 1 minute to read, wtf were you doing, the pillow. O ya and creator of this thread, I have some advice for you, "get a fucking girlfriend".
WELCOME TO NEWGROUNDS . "Congratulations your the 100 millionth person to say "Get a fucking girlfriend" on the 100 millionth beat off thread.
New at flash then get some help.
At 5/27/07 01:25 AM, ZeroAsALimit wrote: I almost got caught looking at watersports today, so I know how you feel.
Watersports? I don't get it.
Also, I used some pretty old lotion for loob, and now the head of my penis is beet red. I'm scared I might have done something to it.
You should have asked your grandpa if he wanted to be the pillow.
At 5/27/07 01:49 AM, Chad-T wrote: You should have asked your grandpa if he wanted to be the pillow.
Oh yes. I just love saggy assholes.
At 5/27/07 01:46 AM, Twerpo wrote: Also, I used some pretty old lotion for loob, and now the head of my penis is beet red. I'm scared I might have done something to it.
Shit, it's still sore. I don't know if it's because I'm circumcised and my head is sensitive or if the lotion fucked with my penis. I'm scared. O_O
At 5/27/07 01:01 AM, Twerpo wrote: to pick up an Mcdonalds
LEARN BETTER GRAMMAR PLEASE
A HIGHLY ACTION PACKED STORY ABOUT A YOUNG 15 YEAR OLD GETTING IT OFF WITH A PILLOW!!!
Who the hell posts this stuff on the BBS? Who actually cares?
your just so... fucking AWEOSME
I wish i could be as cool as you =D
But i cant since i dont need pillows since i got a gf so....... SOZ!
At 5/27/07 01:01 AM, Twerpo wrote: Yes. I did immediatly go on the BBS and write a story about it.
I'm thinking to myself constantly where the hell is my phone.. if something interesting happens, NG won't believe me when I tell them of my amusing adventures.
At 5/27/07 01:23 AM, ripoffhitman wrote: "get a fucking girlfriend".
Loves a bitch. and you loose lots of money :(
"My friends call me 'The Cane.' Even before I messed up my leg."
Wow...that was amazing.
There is a war going on in you're mind. People and ideas all competing for you're thoughts. And if you're thinking, you're winning.
Crap, It's a day later and my head is still kinda red and sore. I hope I didn't really fuck it over.
At 5/27/07 02:21 PM, Twerpo wrote: Crap, It's a day later and my head is still kinda red and sore.
lol, that thread about pillow fucking is amazing. I love how many people are actually trying that shit. How are you so desperate? Haha... It's actually spawned a few related story threads.
I hope I didn't really fuck it over.
Ahahahahahah pun intended?