The Joke Thread

[Monkey-Boy]

Post all jokes here. okay, i'll start.

What are 3 advantages of getting a 50 bill tattoed on your penis?

1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.

made me lol

[ShawnEdison]

At 4/13/07 03:14 PM, Monkey-Boy wrote: Post all jokes here. okay, i'll start.

What are 3 advantages of getting a 50 bill tattoed on your penis?

1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.

made me lol

....

nothing to say.

[XD0042006]

How about .....no.

[JoyPig1990]

Where does a bee go to take a piss?

... The BP station! LAWL

[Panl]

Because NG isn't already filled with buckets of funny?

[D-Nightmare]

So, there's this conductor. He's standing in front of his orchestra, wearing a crisp black suit. He holds his stick in the air, and starts conducting.

He makes a few mistakes when he's at work, but the orchestra manage to cover it up pretty well. He makes mistake after mistake, and gets stressed and upset about it. This makes him make even more mistakes. Sweat drips off his fingertips. He decides to retire. Get out of the game early, he thinks - I've been going downhill for a while now, and I'm not enjoying conducting any more, and I'm a bad conductor, so I may as well just stop it. I've worked for long enough now - plenty saved away for retirement...

At the end of an epic Moonlight Sonata, he turns to face the audience, and says, "Right, thanks for coming tonight. I'm announcing my retirement, effective immediately, so that was my last performance. Thank you, and goodnight."

He steps off to backstage and his manager steps in front of him. "Eh, listen buddy, you're on a contract - you can't just retire out of the blue! You're mine."

"Screw your contract," the conductor replies. "You know as well as I do - I'm a bad conductor, and I want to quit - listen, I'm a dangerous man..."

"Shut up. You work for me. Don't forget it."

That night, he's lay in bed with his wife. "Listen love," he whispers. "I want to quit my job. My manager's a cunt. If you could use your underworld connections to get me a pistol, I'd be eternally grateful.

The next day, he goes into work with a Desert Eagle stuffed down his pants. He wanders over to his manager and unloads in his face. Security tackles him and pins him down, and the police come and arrest him.

He finds himself sentenced to death, and sitting in the squalor of death row. Murderous, savage eyes look at him all the time, angry hands claw through the bars of his cage. He hates it. He's looking forwards to the electric chair - he can't wait to get out of this puddle of urine at the end of civilization.

Finally, his fateful day comes. "Do you have any last requests?" they ask.

"Yeah, I want a silver plate of green bananas, thanks," he replies.

"Uh, yeah, whatever," they say, summoning up a silver platter with some clearly unripe bananas lurking on it. He picks up one, peels it, takes a bit out of it, and then quickly guzzles the rest.

They strap him in the chair, put the helmet on his head, pull the lever in an almost ritualistic fashion... thousands and thousands of volts race down his body, paralyzing him. He feels like his head is about to blow apart, when they throw the lever off and approach him. He glances at them.

"Holy shit, you're alive! Hey, Bert - he's alive! Hey buddy, you know what happens in a situation like this? Believe it or not, you're free to go!"

He wanders out of the dusty jail in the middle of the desert, wanders down a barren and lonely road, and arrives at home. He finds himself looking for work, and the only avaliable place is his old conducting job again. He starts work there.

Within two days, he's fed up of it. "Darling," he says to his wife. "Sweetie, get me a bazooka. I'm going to blow the whole fucking place apart."

The next day, he walks into walk, stiffly, as he has a bazooka hidden down the leg of his trousers. He stays until the audience comes in, then begins conducting 'Air on the G String' by Bach. He flicks a look back at the audience, and, as the song climaxes, turns around, whips the bazooka out, and blasts a rocket straight into the heart of the stands. Blood splattersover the orchestra. The building begins to fall. With a frantic, Hellish laugh, he turns around to the bewildered, frightened and upset orchestra and fires a rocket directly at them.

The building falls down. 540 confirmed deaths. The conductor sits in the witness box.

"Yeah, I killed them," he says. "It was delicious."

The judge deems him a menace to society and a stain on the planet. He gets sentenced to death, in the electric chair, again. They take him out of court, whilst he laughs like a maniac, thrilled at the prospect of visiting the electric chair again.

Death row, though - he wasn't looking forwards to that. Rats and spiders scuttle around, crawling over you when you sleep. The presence of dozens of rapists gives the place an aura of discomfort. The stench of burning flesh and death occasionally loiters in the air after one of his fellow inmates has been killed.

Finally, his day comes. They throw him in the chair like he's a piece of meat, spitting on him. "540 counts of murder one, you scumbag," they say, their eyes cutting into him like daggers. "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yeah boys, I want two silver platters of green bananas."

"Oh yeah, we got them specially for you. We don't know what's with your freakin' green, unripe bananas, but I guess it's your right to have them."

He gorges the bananas like he hasn't eaten for days. A pile of green bananaskins lies next to him. "Right, boys," he says. "I'm done eating. Pull the lever and finish me off."

"Don't be so cavalier," the executioner says. "Since ou didn't die last time, we're going to kill you in style. We're turning up the voltage so high, it'll be like an explosion. We're not going to pull a lever - we're going to press a button and detonate you, with masses and masses of high voltage electricity.

"Whatever, guys," he says.

They drive miles and miles away, and point a remote control with only one button on it. Death Row collapses. They drive back, and pull him out of the rubble.

It's his funeral. His wife is crying, and hundreds of other people, relatives of the deceased, have come to make sure he's actually dead.

The Reverend is reading the same old lines, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." Suddenly, the whole funeral is interrupted by a loud knocking.

"Where is it coming from?" the Reverend asks, confused.

The knocking repeats.

"Oh God, it's the coffin!" the conductor's wife yells, pointing.

With a final knock, the door swings off the coffin, and the conductor sits up, looking remarkably well-rested.

"Why the hell aren't you dead? Why wouldn't the electric chair work?" the executioner asks. "It wasn't those stupid green bananas, wasn't it?"

"Hahaha, no," the conductor replies. "I already told you, I'm just a bad conductor."

[McPaper]

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/search.php?kind =b&terms=jokes&submit=Search%21

i refuse to

[KillerCRS]

What did the robot...say to the centipede?

</thread>

[Medinus]

At 4/13/07 03:22 PM, D-Nightmare wrote: So, there's this conductor. He's standing in front of his orchestra, wearing a crisp black suit. He holds his stick in the air, and starts conducting.

We need shitty jokes. Not, Novels. O-O.

[ShawnEdison]

At 4/13/07 03:22 PM, D-Nightmare wrote: So, there's this conductor...
Insert the Rest of that ridiculous joke..
the conductor replies. "I already told you, I'm just a bad conductor."

...Took too long to read.

Great punchline.

...Please be my lover.

[muchcoolerthanu]

4 nuns go into a church, the first nun says to the father, "father i have sinned for i have given a man a handjob with my left hand...

DIRTY WHORE wash ur hands in the holy water as u go out u fucking slut...

the 2cd nun comes up, *gulp* father i have sinned for i have given a man a blodjob with both my hands...

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH wash both u fucking hands in the holy water!!!!!!1111111111

now the 4th nun taps the 3rd nuns shoulder and asks if she can go in front of her. the 3rd replies, why?
well i dont want to gargle the water after u sat in it

that joke took for ages! i couldent be asked readin first paragraph somthing about a conductor?????

[sculpted-cold]

So a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar

[muchcoolerthanu]

im confused lol y no1 finish there jokes?

2 blondes in a bar
1 ses to the other which is closer the moon or australia?
the other 1 roles her eyes and replies YOUR A FUCKING MORON you can see the moon!!!!!1111

[IdentityTheft]

At 4/13/07 03:30 PM, muchcoolerthanu wrote: crappy nun joke.

You told it wrong. Even then, it's not a funny joke.

[TheThing]

Trust me kid, I've tried. I made the Newgrounds R.O.F.l. a long time ago, and I can't seem to find it. But it failed horribly. This won't work

[Stepgangster]

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

[Cinnabonmon]

At 4/13/07 03:22 PM, D-Nightmare wrote: ?"

"Hahaha, no," the conductor replies. "I already told you, I'm just a bad conductor."

longest post ive ever seen

[ShawnEdison]

At 4/13/07 03:47 PM, Stepgangster wrote:

Punchline: "I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

FOFL.

[Cinnabonmon]

tell me whatcha think of this

what do gay guys and fight guys have in common?

they both like to get stuffed

what do ya think?

[Cinnabonmon]

i meant fat guys

[Saberwulfe]

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum…and one night…one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light…stretching away to freedom.

Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren’t make the leap. Y’see he’s afraid of falling… So then the first guy has an idea. He says “Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me.” B-But the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says …he says “What you think I am crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across”.

You get 50 geek points if you can recognize what comic book this is from.

[D-Nightmare]

Seeing as most of you didn't like how long my last one was, i have managed to cook up a much shorter one.

Now, theres a lady who takes her clothes off, gets into her bath then she hears a knock on the door and says "Who is it?". A man answers saying "It's the blind man". Shes thinks he's blind, so she says come in. The man says looks into the room and murmurs "Nice rack" and then says: 'Where do you want the blinds put in?".

[iateamexican]

At 4/13/07 03:14 PM, Monkey-Boy wrote: Post all jokes here. okay, i'll start.

What are 3 advantages of getting a 50 bill tattoed on your penis?

1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.

made me lol

Ha ha! your killing me!
No i mean it, for the love of God stop.

[Twessel]

At 4/13/07 03:22 PM, D-Nightmare wrote:

"Hahaha, no," the conductor replies. "I already told you, I'm just a bad conductor."

That is the greatest joke.... I have EVER heard...

My god, I think I love you.

[Complete]

One American, one Mexican, and one German are on a sinking boat.

Before they die, one of them suggest to throw off one thing they have most in their country.

The Mexican throws off a Taco and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

The German throws off a tie and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

The American throws off the Mexican guy and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

[TurtleJuice]

This thread is full of unfunny

[Twessel]

What do you get when you cross a Chinese guy with a Puerto Rican guy?

A car thief who can't drive!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

[Complete]

At 4/13/07 04:17 PM, TurtleJuice wrote: This thread is full of unfunny

The objective of the thread was to just relax and tell jokes, but you have to ruin it by saying "IT'S UNFUNNY!"

I am not saying this thread is very funny, but don't post useless shit that has nothing to do with the topic.

[Stepgangster]

At 4/13/07 04:15 PM, Complete wrote: One American, one Mexican, and one German are on a sinking boat.

Before they die, one of them suggest to throw off one thing they have most in their country.

The Mexican throws off a Taco and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

The German throws off a tie and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

The American throws off the Mexican guy and says "We got a lot of these in our country"

That was...cruel joke.
Ok,game of my country:

Finnish drinking game

There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....

Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

[Stepgangster]

Haha,i'm very funny!