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Never Shave Your Ass

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TheZach
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Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:23 PM

Well, NG, I’ve just completed the once thought impossible task of shaving one’s own ass, and I am here to warn each and every one of you, never do the same.

It all started at the beginning of this year; I began to notice that my ass was a forest, a meadow of sort, and I never thought anything of it, because I was the only one to ever lay eyes on it. Until last night; several weeks ago, I met this girl, well technically I had already met her – but this time I met her on a much larger scale; I was over at her house, we were alone watching some movie, we began to snuggle and explore each other, and whatnot. Then the week after she came over to my house and we made out for a couple of hours and fooled around. Then, last night I was over at her place again, it was about 12:30 at night, and we began to take things even farther. I had removed my shirt and she had done the same; she then proceeded to explore the confines of my pants with her hands. It was at that moment, that I remembered that I possessed a bear-like ass. Intent on the situation, I tried to ignore it an move on, but something in the back of my mind kept screaming, “Don’t Touch My Ass!” She didn’t say anything but I knew that the time would come where she would see it in full view, and would be appalled.

This morning, horrified of what she might think if we ever decided to hook up again, I made the gutsy decision to embark on a journey of anal shaving. I thought it would be similar to shaving my face; a few quick swipes and we’d be done, no big deal. I was horribly, horribly wrong. I entered the bathroom and equipped my Gillette Fusion with a fresh set of blades, covered my ass in shaving cream and began to hack away. After I was ‘finished’ I decided to admire my work, and to my surprise I still saw an antagonizing amount of hair remaining on my ass; no longer did it look like a forest or an enchanted meadow, but rather like the balding head of a 55 year old man. I decided that I would just do the same thing again until the task was complete, but no more than 2 strokes into the second coat did my razor break. I’m not sure how to explain what happened, but the blades had detached themselves from the base (Pic Below). And now I was left with my old, dull set of blades, and an electric razor that didn’t seem to do shit.

I attached the old blade, and got back to work; for 2 hours I switched between the electric razor and the straight razor, the shower and the sink. This quick 2 second task, had now flourished into a 2 and a half hour quest, an epic of sort. After I was satisfied with my ass, I decided to move to my lower back, my legs, gooch and pubes; everything had to be evened out so I didn’t look like a confused baboon.

Finally, I was satisfied – the task had been completed; my monumental ass was no longer defaced with thousands of tresses. I cleaned up and threw on some clothes and began to go about the day, when I noticed that my ‘smooth,’ baby-like ass was now covered in thousands of tiny pikes, razor sharp hooks laced with itching powder. And now, every time I walk or try to sit, my gooch and ass sting and itch like no tomorrow.

So NG, don’t make the same mistake I did; never shave your ass, not even for a woman or you will regret it, every day of you life.

Never Shave Your Ass


I'm going to fucking rape this guy.

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Flingo
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:27 PM

I applaud you.

mrbreckles
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:30 PM

Ive been there, i really have, and you've just back possible the worst memory of my life ='(

LinkSilvermane
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:32 PM

I feel your pain. Or rather, I've felt it a few times.

It doesn't get any easier, sadly. I wonder how the ladies manage to shave so efficiently...

perhaps we should also use wax and strips and such?

p.s. nice story-writing skills.

Pure awesomeness. You must read it.

(God-like signature by Zeppekk)

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HorseSperm
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:33 PM

this is the kind of story that makes you laugh

nice job lol

WeaselsAndHeroin
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:34 PM

Motza, i love you.

mrbreckles
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:35 PM

At 12/16/06 01:32 PM, LinkSilvermane wrote: I feel your pain. Or rather, I've felt it a few times.

It doesn't get any easier, sadly. I wonder how the ladies manage to shave so efficiently...

perhaps we should also use wax and strips and such?

ive pondered the idea but never got around to doing it.
Its not so much the shaving of the ass that's annoying, its the fact that you have to then shave everything else to make it appear normal.
And it just really isnt worth the time.

SlipperyMooseCakes
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:39 PM

That was the best story I've read on Newgrounds in years.

I've shaved down there before, wasn't too big of a deal. Hopefully your girl will like the smoothness?

Nekrozoa
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 01:41 PM

Ouch!What a hell of a pain!


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MtMTheCandyMan
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:16 PM

Wow. This is going in my sig. You are a monumental writer. You should do scripts.

Ouch.

BlindObject
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:20 PM

This made my day.


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Jake
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:20 PM

I didn't plan on it, but thanks for the extra warning I guess.

Procrastination
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:21 PM

same thing happened to me when i shaved my nether-hair.
it itched like crazy for a week or two. ppl thought i had crabs. then it went.
i love it now and so does (did) my ex (breakup unrelated to my pubes [or the 'crabs' thing]).
'its a treat - keep it neat'

Morphix
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:21 PM

Haha, brilliant story. I will take your advise to heart. As for your itchiness, I'm sure it will go away within a week. Until then, don't sit down in public.

SpaceBandito
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:23 PM

Total winnage!

<deleted>
Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:24 PM

I will take your advice, as long as my ass doesn't get popular.

Life-Stream
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:35 PM

Lol! That was funny as hell, brought back a few memories though.....and i understand you completely, and funnily enough, it looks like i´m not the only ones from the comments i´ve just read in the thread. The worst thing about it has to be the mini hairs left over after the whole shave that poke and itch you´re whole ass, it really makes a simple thing like walking a nightmare. Lol.

Great thread!

HappyCheeseGuy
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:37 PM

Haha! Puberty boy!

why won't my voice break? :'(

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Latecks
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 02:40 PM

I laughed the whole way through. Priceless.


NOTE: if you're not seeing the image like this in the forums, then it is because your browser is caching the image

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Luxury-Yacht
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:48 PM

Bear men unite, bro.


i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i
oh no I am choking on a million dicks

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TheDepthsofHell
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:51 PM

that is some funny shit.

if your gonna do anything, just trim it down...dont shave it off. jesus..


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StigmataMartyr
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:52 PM

i need to shave the hairs between my arsecrack, their annoying

Morphix
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:55 PM

At 12/16/06 04:53 PM, JustAnotherFaggot wrote: Post a pic of your ass plz :D

lmao, you live up to your name.

Luxury-Yacht
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:56 PM

At 12/16/06 04:53 PM, JustAnotherFaggot wrote: Post a pic of your ass plz :D

I second this.


i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i
oh no I am choking on a million dicks

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yurgenburgen
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 04:57 PM

I shave my ass every so often to keep it less shrub-like. Never had any problems. You must have just been unlucky.

Trick
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 05:00 PM

Hahahahaha that was very funny Im gonna save this to my favorites!


There once was a dude,
That ran in the nude.

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Ulven
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 05:03 PM

I hope you've learned, allways remember the first commandment.

You shall never use razors below your neck, and never, ever never ever ever EVER around that area.

I myself love my asshair, it's soft and delicate, not like my pubes which is harder and more like a branch of thorns.


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Buffalow
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 05:04 PM

I'm sorry, but....

HAHAHHAHA


Well-a Everybody's Heard About the Word, Tha-Tha-Tha Word-Word-Word the Word is the.....

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Lord-Sonx
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 05:06 PM

my ass is hairer, and i'm proud of it :)

LaCosaNostra
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Response to Never Shave Your Ass Dec. 16th, 2006 @ 05:13 PM

Oh man, I know where you're coming from. Why does it itch so much?Shaving you armpits is a bad idea too, itches a lot. The stupid shaving gel doesn't do shit, how do women do it? My itchiness usually goes away after a couple of days.