A Christmas Story

[SirLebowski]

The stockings were hung by the chemney with care, in hopes that St. Nick would soon be there. The soft glow of the christmas lights wrapped around the tree and the faint sound of festive music playing gave the small little living room a loving tenderness to it. In the next room, little children were nestles ever so softly in their beds, and a silver tray with delicious cookies and a nice warm glass of milk lay on the coffee table. It was Christmas Eve night.

A soft crackling sound echoed through the house, loud enough to hear, but not loud enough to truly wake the children. From the chimney fell Santa Claus, a jolly man with a long white beard and clean satin clothes. Dragging behind him was a bag full of toys, for the children who were nice all year. He loving began to place the toys under the tree, careful not to rustle the wrapping of the bright christmas wrapping. When he finished, he stood and stretched, his long night of giving was nearly at it's end. He glanced out the window and noted the dull dark blue color of the sky, lighting the soft blanket of white snow on the ground. Dawn was near.

"Good night, little ones. May your Christmas be filled with cheer" he laughed. He turned his gaze to the coffee table with the cookies and milk, He walked over and picked up a cookie, inspecting it, smiling, and took a little nibble. "Mmmm" he whispered, admiring the taste of the chocolate chips, still a little warm. Then everything went black.

Santa awoke to a dark room, how long had he been out? Where was he? He gagged and coughed, the smell that took over his senses was revolting. No words could describe it. Every breath he took brought more of the horrible smell into his nose, his eyes began to water, and he vomitted on his clean satin suit. Just then, the lights came on, and Satan gasped.

The room was a small little four-corner, dirty hell-hole. Blood stained walls, a cracked and dirty mirror. Hanging from meat hooks in the center of the room were two reindeer, gutted carcusses. Their intestines and various organs were ripped out and spilled over onto the floor below. Maggots feasting upon their remains.

Hung about the walls were various holiday ornaments, many broken, sharp, and tipped with poison and blood. From the corner of the room was a small, broken little boombox that played horrible Christmas music. The 2008 edition of Lindsay Lohans grammy-winning album "Things I got for Christmas that you Can't Afford". "This, this is hell" cryed Santa, turning to his magical bag of toys, hoping to find something to help him get out of this delema. The room had no door that he could see.

As he reached in his sack, instead of pulling out a toy, he pulled our an old tape recorder, with the tape already inside. He stared at it for a minute with a look of intrest and awe. He slowly pressed the PLAY button, and the voice that filled the room was familiar to him at once.

Hello, Christopher, I want to play a game. It's similar to the game you play as Santa Claus. The game of giving toys and happiness to the undeserving. Your holiday brings the suicide rate up 25 percent, and you never even shed a tear. Now it is time you finally shed something, by playing this tape you have activated a time, set for 30 minutes. When the time runs out the poison from the delicious and wonderful chocolate chip cookies will close the blood vessels in your brain and you will die. If you wish to live, you will eat through the dead reindeer carcuss before you, inside you will find the fetus of an unborn baby elf. You must eat this as well. As the only cure for the poison I gave you is dead elf and reindeer, and a lot of it. The problem is, only one is a reindeer. The other is a jackolope, cleverly desiguised as a reindeer. You don't have enough time to consume them both.

It was the voice similar to Jigsaw, from the SAW dvd's he had given to all the good little boys and girls the years before. Deep and forboding. "But, I haven't seen SAW three yet, did he die at the end of SAW 2 or something? Ah, goddamn scriptwriters" he yelled. But he didn't have time to waste, and he began to eat, slowly, the carcuss of the reindeer on the left, hoping he made the right choice.

He slowly shovel various organs and loose peices of flesh into his mouth, trying to think about what he was chewing. As he was eating he noticed something wrong. The antlers of this reindeer began to fall off, and he noticed strands of glue holding them on ever so lightly. "darnit" he screamed, and began to weep. There was no way he could eat the other carcuss in the remaining time, he was doomed and Christmas was no more. "Christmas, is no more" he said, repeating the unspoken narrative. And at the mention of canceling Christmas, something began to move inside the reindeer carcuss.

Rustling from the skin, and all the sudden, out of the reindeer bursts a little elf, covered in guts, and a flaming hunger in it's eyes. In a raspy, murderous voice, it began to speak. "Santa, you cannot let the children down. Your sorrow has brought me, the Fetus Elf to life." in shocked amazement, Santa simply stared, so the elf continued. "I can help you escape." "I simply need your Santanic powers to fuel my own, and I can teleport us of this room." the little demonic elf began to smilie, and looked up to Santa for an answer.

"You are my only hope, little living-dead demonic fetus elf" and with a twinkle in his eye, prepared to give the little elf his powers. Just then an explosion rocked the two of them and the room they were in, dust exploded as the north wall exploded, letting light stream in the room and made both Santa and the elf squint to see what caused the explosion. It was a large bulldozer that had crashed into the wall, driving it, was Mrs. Clause.

[Complete]

Haha, nice story.

[Dudeo]

It's too early for Chrismas dumbass. No Chrismas related things untill after Thanksgiving.

[SirLebowski]

"Mamma bear!" he exclaimed, running to see her. As she hopped down from her bulldozer, the smell of baked good and death iminated the room. Her neatly done hair, so white and pure, was in a tangled mess. "Santa, I found you, I had to warn you to not give your powers to the fetus elf". "But wait a minute mamma bear, how'd you know where I was and about the fetus elf" "No time to explain dear, just kill it" and without hesitation santa closed his eyes, and mentally choked the elf before it could say a thing, and it dropped dead on the floor like that.

"Let's go home mamma bear" he chuckled, and christmas was saved from the fetus us. "But, mamma bear, that doesn't explain the saw voice guy" he asked, looking at her quizically. She began to open her mouth to explain but before she could Santa whipped a shotgun from out of his bag of alternative toys. "You bitch" he said with a cold hate in his voice. "You were going to off me and take my position as CEO of this little operation, weren't you? When you saw the fetus elf trying to help me, you had to stop the plan and rescue me, save the killing for another time. Who else was in on it, you, the reindeer? THE WHOLE GOD DAMN NORTH POLE?!?"

Mrs. Claus began to laugh an evil laugh. "You fool, you pitiful fool" and with that she dropped kicked the gun out of Santa's hands. "I'll see you hell" she laughed, and reached behind her to pull a chainsaw from her bulldozer. "You've been fucking other women, you mother fucker!" she screamed, and thrashed the saw about wildly. "Like you weren't, you little cunt. You slept your way to the top!" and with that Santa grabbed the chainsaw with his lone red mitten, stopping it in it's tracks, he pulled it from her cold hard grasp, and whispered in a cold voice:

"I'll see you in the frozen pits of hell, you she-devil bitch" and brought the chainsaw down upon her skull, blood splattered on the virgin snow, tainting it forever. "Christmas is saved" he gasped, out of breath. He collapsed on the cold, frozen ground, and wished the world, one last Merry Christmas, before shuffling off the mortal coil.

[Complete]

At 11/16/06 05:25 PM, Dudeo wrote: It's too early for Chrismas dumbass. No Chrismas related things untill after Thanksgiving.

It's never too early for Christmas my young children

[SirLebowski]

And that's the end of my story, I hope the end didn't seemed to rushed, it was an after though, my hands hurt, and I really just wanted to slip something where Santa called somebody a cunt.

[SirLebowski]

I think Demonic Little Fetus Elf should make a cameo in the sequel.

[SirLebowski]

Hmm, this may not be some timely now that SAW sucks even harder than when I wrote this, but I was going through my old posts and found this wonderful bit of prose and though, why the hell not?

Merry Christmas, Newgrounds.

[Spirosgod]

Why don't you use your blog?

[ChaoticTrashCan]

At 11/16/06 05:25 PM, Dudeo wrote: It's too early for Chrismas dumbass. No Chrismas related things untill after Thanksgiving.

I'm pretty sure Christmas starts As soon as September begins.

[SirLebowski]

At 12/6/08 04:09 AM, Spirosgod wrote: Why don't you use your blog?

A) I don't have a blog
B) This was posted a few Christmas seasons ago
C) Why don't all the other shitty topic makers around here use their blogs?