Oh yeah, that's right. It's already that time of year where all the folk gather 'round and head on into town to look for genuine bonafide grade-a cooter. And trust me, it ain't hard 'round these parts to find you some cooter.
As seen on The Daily Show, the local town of Inverness Florida is gearing up for this years Cooter Festival. Let me explain it to you though; "cooter" isn't exactly what you want it to be, but rather the nickname of the local turtles native to this part of Florida. Seems weird, right? Well, I guess a lot needs to be explained about the.... ummmmm...... "civially challenged" people from these backwoods areas, and why you may find them to be a bit strange.
1) They close the city down in celebration of turtles that they nickname "cooters."
2) They have a banjo and harmonica playing in the background on their site.
Of course, the fine folk of Central Florida; located in the Southern United States, explain the history of this holiday here..... Using animals as the characters in their story. Basically, the turtle symbolizes how even something small can be so courageous and friendly, even when faced with adversity (which I assume will be such a stressed topic with all the people around here who whine about 9/11).
Basically, the Cooter Festival is a bunch of events, like a police fun-run (different from a police chase in places like Los Angeles). If you can beat sheriff Jeff Dawsy (who obviously is in peak shape), you win some sort of prize. There's also Cooter & The Nite Riders; an evening bike ride that could also be mistaken for a 1980's porno featuring David Hasselhoff.
There's also Cooterween, which is basically Halloween, but I assume it's turtle-based, and also isn't such an evil pagan practice that will doom your soul to eternal damnation. But best of all, The Great American Cooter Blast; which I believe is the hidden finishing move for the character Tina in Dead Or Alive 4.
I was hoping to be more involved in the festivities this year. I was thinking of being a vendor for the week. Who knows how much money I'd make selling t-shirts with the clear message "I <3 Cooter" on them? I'm also a great chef, and could whip up some fantastic pink tacos. I could also sponsor river rafting tours in Oregon; who wouldn't want a Wet Beaver Ride? There's even fun for the kids with many games, like Pandora's X-Box, or Pin The Tail On The Beaten Horse.
I figure I could lend a hand with the photography this year. Although I doubt that any picture I take with a Sony digital could look as high-res as last year's, which were obvously taken from a camera-phone.
So if you find yourself lost on your way to Orlando or Tampa Bay this fall, stop on by Inverness for some great cooter. And also remember this great advice; LIVE IN A FUCKING CITY! FAR AWAY FROM REDNECKS!