jokes

[NippleClock-1337]

i hate racism. but some of the jokes are funny. so i started telling them only changing the ethnic group or race into "rednecks/hillbillies/hicks" or "americans/french/canadians". i don't hate the french or the canadians, its just that they're so funny and easy to make fun of.

so what i'm sying is take a joke, and switch it around to target the type of ppl you would expect to tell the original jokes.

i.e. change the "N" word to redneck or hilbilly or hick, or change "chink/Spic/jap" to "american/canadian/french"

here's some examples for you:

1a.(i'm only gonna say the "N" word once, because i hate using it) what do you do when you see a ni**er drowning? throw him his wife and kids then step on their heads.

(naturally this joke is disgusting, but change it around to redneck and you can have some fun!)

1b. What do you do if you see a redneck drowning? throw him his huntin dog and rebel flag then step on their heads!

get the idea? the jokes don't have to be original, but they can't be racist!

have fun!!!!!!!!!!!

[ChocolateChipClock]

At 2/16/03 10:27 PM, 6dr6punker6 wrote: i hate racism. but some of the jokes are funny. so i started telling them only changing the ethnic group or race into "rednecks/hillbillies/hicks"....

you know whats funnest to make of? dead babies! these jokes are all from thisisacryforhelp.com

Q: What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A: A baby with a javelin through its throat.

Q: What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
A: One live one in the middle is eating its way out.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A: A baby in a baggie.

Q: What's present do you get for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.

Q: What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Q: What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
A: An erection.

Q: Why did the baby fall off the swing?
A: Because it had no arms or legs.

Q: What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A: A bus load of babies on fire.

Q: What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
A: Nailing it to a dead puppy.

Q: What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

Q: What's pink and chunky?
A: A baby with leporacy.

Q: Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
A: So you can pick them up five at a time.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

Q: What's pink and spits?
A: A baby in a frying pan.

Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies?
A: Sticking pins in their eyes.

Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

[NippleClock-1337]

At 2/16/03 10:33 PM, IamGod666 wrote: you know whats funnest to make of? dead babies! these jokes are all from thisisacryforhelp.com

oh its dead baby jokes you like, eh? how bout a few originals from me and mr kitty kitty:

Q: why's a truck load of dead babies more fun than a truck load of rocks?
A: you can't unload a truck full of rocks with a pitch fork.

Q: what's the difference between a brick and a baby?
A: rocks don't float and scream when you throw them in the ocean.

Q: what's the difference between a dead baby and a brick?
A: you can't fuck a brick.

Q: why did the shark fisherman stop by the abortion clinic?
A: aborted babies make the best chum.

Q: what's pink, black, purple, brown, grey, red, bubbly, and spins?
A: a baby in the microwave.

[chaotic1]

too much reading... too lazy...

[DarkJaymz]

Dildo Sellling
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

[NippleClock-1337]

oh yeah! almost forgot the petifile jokes too!

Q: what's great about getting head from a 9 year old girl in the shower?
A: you can slick her hair back and pretend she's a 9 year old boy!

Q: what happens when you get the job as nursery school asistant?
A: a raging boner!

Q: what's better than having sex with a 13 year old girl?
A: having sex with a three year old girl!

[Keyser-Soze]

Q: What's the worst part about being in the Special Olympics?

A: Being retarded.

[EmeraldTokyo]

-=sobs because of the dead babies jokes=- I wanna actually have a baby! you guys are so heartless!

[NippleClock-1337]

At 2/16/03 10:49 PM, DarkJaymz wrote: Dildo Sellling ......... and I sold your thermos for $165!"

hahahahahahahah. primo dude! most excellent! i giggle with laughter.

[Keyser-Soze]

At 2/16/03 10:53 PM, EmeraldTokyo wrote: -=sobs because of the dead babies jokes=- I wanna actually have a baby! you guys are so heartless!

I thought the same thing! That's why I make fun of retarded people!

Oh, wait...

I'm going to Hell, right?

[DarkJaymz]

Cheetos
Guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

I gotta million of'em ; )

[Keyser-Soze]

Q:What do you call a queer Eskimo?

A: A snow blower.

[Keyser-Soze]

Q: What's the difference between a Redneck who works and Bigfoot?

A: People have seen Bigfoot.

[NippleClock-1337]

At 2/16/03 10:55 PM, Keyser_Soze wrote: I'm going to Hell, right?

cat hair hell maybe.

this old couple in their 90's is having their anniversary soon. they haven't had sex since 1962, and the Beatrice wants it to be special for Elmer. So, she goes out and buys some books about romance and sexuall positions and what not. She discovered from a survey in one of the sex books, that most men find the rocked pretzel to be the most sexually titalating position. This is where the woman places both ankles behind her head, and leans back with her ass in the air.
She prepares romantic candellight dinner while Elmer is at work, and goes to the bedroom to practice this position. After some signifigant stretching, beatrice finally got her left leg behind her head. then after about another 15 minutes of stretching and straining, she got her right leg behind her head. "now to rock back onto my shoulders" she said. but when beatrice rocked back, she lost her balance and got stuck with her head between the bed and wall. About this time elmer got home.

Elmer:"beatrice?!?! i'm home! where are ya woman"

Beatrice: "i'm in here Elmer. I gotta surprise fer you and yer tallywacker. but i might need some help first."

Elmer: "really now? well let's just...GOOD GOD WOMAN! BEATRICE! YOU NEED TO PUT YER TEETH BACK IN AND FIX YER HAIR, BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASS!!! HEY!!! DON'T YOU STICK YER TONGUE OUT AT ME!!!

[EmeraldTokyo]

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a normal one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why do Blondes hate making Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the little packets.

Q: Hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the drive in theater?
A: They went to go see "Closed For The Winter"

Q: What's the difference between Snow-men and Snow-women?
A: Snowballs!

Q: Have you ever smelled nothballs?

Yes?

How do you get their little legs apart?

[EmeraldTokyo]

Mothballs*! Damn typos!

[ReconRebel]

The 2 BIGGEST lies
1.) The check is in the mail
2.) I won't cum in your mouth

[DarkJaymz]

At 2/16/03 11:17 PM, EmeraldTokyo wrote: Mothballs*! Damn typos!

thats the best one yet LOL

[NippleClock-1337]

how many purple goldfish do you need to spin the teeter totter when iraq sinks?

none, baboons don't eat pumpkin pie on tuesday the eleventeenth of july.

[ChocolateChipClock]

At 2/16/03 11:18 PM, Recon_Rebel wrote: The 2 BIGGEST lies
1.) The check is in the mail
2.) I won't cum in your mouth

hahaha

[EmeraldTokyo]

Q: How can you tell a Blonde is having a bad day?
A: The whiteout on the computer screen.

Q: What do you call a Blonde when you hold a dollar over her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck.

There's a Brunette on the train tracks. Jumping from rail to rail saying 21 .... 21 ..... 21 .... 21 .....

A Blonde sees her and decides to join her. 21 .... 21 .... 21 .... 21 ....

This continues until the 12:15 arives. The Brunette jumps off the tracks, and the blonde is splattered all over the place by the train. The Brunette comes back the next day. 22 .... 22 .... 22 .... 22 ......

[DarkJaymz]

At 2/16/03 11:23 PM, 6dr6punker6 wrote: how many purple goldfish do you need to spin the teeter totter when iraq sinks?

none, baboons don't eat pumpkin pie on tuesday the eleventeenth of july.

Genius!!!!

[Frank]

Q.What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common?
A.They both have plastic juggs

[EmeraldTokyo]

58 Funny Bumper Stickers.

1. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
2. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
3. Honk If Anything Falls Off
4. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
5. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
6. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
7. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
8. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
9 I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
10. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
11. Boldly Going Nowhere
12. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
13. Constipated people don't give a crap.
14. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
15. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
16. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
17. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
18. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
19. If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.
20. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
21. Thank you for pot smoking.
22. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
23. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
24. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
25. Horn broken...watch for finger.
26. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the bugger.
27. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
28. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
29. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
30. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
31. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
32. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
33. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
34. Keep honking...I'm reloading.
35. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
36 All generalizations are false.
37. I brake for no apparent reason.
38. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
39 I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
40 Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
41 We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
42 He who laughs last thinks slowest.
43 I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
44 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
45 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
46 Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
47 No radio - Already stolen.
48 OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
49 Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
50 It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
51 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
52 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
53 Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. :)
54 Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
55 There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
56 Caution: I drive like you do.
57 I'm Sleeping With Your Honor Student.
58. Who peed in your Gene pool?

[ChocolateChipClock]

At 2/16/03 11:32 PM, EmeraldTokyo wrote:

...: This continues until the 12:15 arives. The Brunette jumps off the tracks, and the blonde is splattered all over the place by the train. The Brunette comes back the next day. 22 .... 22 .... 22 .... 22 ......

omg that one was hilarious?

[Frank]

here's one

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[NippleClock-1337]

At 2/16/03 11:32 PM, EmeraldTokyo wrote: There's a Brunette on the train tracks. Jumping from rail to rail saying 21 .... 21 ..... 21 .... 21 .....

i know one like that:

a punk was jumping on a manhole yelling 48! 48! 48! 48! a racist redneck bastard came up and said: "boy, you must be the dumbest ni**er lovin sumbitch i ever saw"
the punk replied with: "that's what you think. the radio station's holding a contest to see who can jump on a manhole and yell 48 the loudest. the prize is a six pack 'o beer. i bet i can yell it louder and jump higher than you"
redneck: "get outta my way boy!"
so the redneck began jumping and yelling higher and louder than the punk was. just when the redneck thought he had gotten the better of the punk, he pulled the manhole cover out from under the redneck in one swift motion and the redneck fell into the sewer, covered in human feces and urine.
then the punk calmly replaced the manhole cover and began jumping and yellin again: "49! 49! 49!..."

[DarkJaymz]

In a Court
Three women were in a court. One was a brunnette, one was a red-head, and the last woman was a blonde. They were standing in front of the judge. All three women were being acused of a crime.
A man came up to the brunnette and pointed his gun at her. He said, " Do you have any last requests?" The brunnette said, "Yes I do....TORNADO!" Then, everyone ducked and she ran out. After that, the man pointed his gun at the red-head. He asked her, " Do you have any last requests?" And the red-head said, "Yes I do....TWISTER!" Then, everyone ducked and the red-head ran out.
Finally, the man pointed the gun at the blonde. She thought to herself, "Hey- I can do this!" The man asked her, "Do you have any last requests?" The blonde replied, "Yes I do....FIRE!"

[NippleClock-1337]

my 10 favorite t-shirts that i own:

1. Ha! you can't see me! (on a cammo shirt)
2. Fuck! It's snowing! (also on a cammo shirt)
3. I've gone to find myself. If i get back before i return, please keep me here.
4. Heaven doesn't want me, and hell's affraid I'll take over.
5. (front) The voices in my head tell me to wear shirts that say {message continued on back}
(back) The voices in my head tell me to wear shirts that say {message continued on front}
6. I used to be a schitzo, but we're fine now.
7. (front) stop staring at me (back) stop following me
8. have a great fucking day asshole
9. i've got 3 words for bin laden: anger manage ment
10. one by one the penguins steal my sanity

[karate-clock]

ok a guy walks in do a bar and the hole place is packed ecsept one seat well it had a bag on it the guy walks over and asks the guy next to the bag if the seat was taken "no" he replied so the guy sat down had some drinks got drunk talked to the other guy a little then after a while the bag moved. then the guy said hey whats in that bag oh i forgot all about this the other guy said he put his hand in the bag and pulled out a reall tine piano then... he pulled out a guy that was about 11 inches tall and then snaped his fingres as soon as he did the littile guy started playing the best music the guy ever heard! he said WHERE IN HELL DID YOU GET THAT!!?? oh replied the other guy see that old man over there? yha replied the guy well hes really a magic genie but hes hard of hearing so the guy walked up to the genie and said o magic geniei wish for a million bucks! all of the sudden a million DUCKS! flew threw out the hole room sacring every one out and knocking over all the drinks then the guy walked over to the other guy and said WoW that guy is hard of hearing! ill say said the other guy do you actuly think id wish for an 11 inch pianist!? LOL GET IT!!??