Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

Well, that was clever. The ending surprised me alot.
Nice story.

ok i didnt at to read all that

At 6/19/06 11:48 AM, idOcrEatING wrote: Earfetish Jr in the making...

I hope it stays as Jr. :/ He's beyond the limits of my imagination.

I'm not really in the mood for the long intro, so I'll just sum my critique to this:

Tits or GTFO.

At 6/19/06 11:53 AM, Turandot wrote:

At 6/19/06 11:48 AM, idOcrEatING wrote: Earfetish Jr in the making...

I hope it stays as Jr. :/ He's beyond the limits of my imagination.

I actually found this better than many pieces he has written.

At 6/19/06 11:59 AM, Andersson wrote:

At 6/19/06 11:53 AM, Turandot wrote:

At 6/19/06 11:48 AM, idOcrEatING wrote: Earfetish Jr in the making...

I hope it stays as Jr. :/ He's beyond the limits of my imagination.

I actually found this better than many pieces he has written.

Thanks Andersson... But he's very good at it. :)

Maybe someday in the future I'll know a few more words to use :)

I'm gonna be honest, I've seen some fucked up shit during my time on the internet. So much so that throwing the words 'buttocks' and 'manhood' doesn't even begin to get a rise out of me, metaphorically and physically speaking.

With that out of the way;
I can't seem to see a cohesive style in this piece, or maybe it's just that your style is too many 'and's, not enough commas, with a veritable slurry of low impact adjectives thrown in for good measure.

The premise is 'meh'. Some dude tries to fuck some naked Asian chick but she jacks a knife through his head at the last minute. I'm pretty sure it's Japanese law that every cartoon/manga/anime has to have a scene like that, so you're already starting off on well worn foundations. For lack of a better term, it's a cheap shot and one that does nothing to show or improve your versatility as a writer.

Throw in some quotable sentences. Not every line has to read like a poem, but you need some fucking impact in there. I read it not 5 minutes ago and I've already forgotten everything except the poor writing and lacklustre premise, though to be honest, it didn't have much else going for it. Nobody remembers an entire story word for word. It's the key sentences that they refect back on later, and you just don't have any.

There are many other glaring problems, though to be honest, I've already invested way too much time in this. I imagine a decent amount of them would disapear with further mastery of the english language.

At 6/19/06 01:13 PM, Fyndir wrote: Not the best erotica I've ever read, but a very good one nonetheless.

Thanks, it was my first try besides from a poem :)

My only suggestion is to continue working on your English vocabulary so that you can increase the amount of descriptive terms you use, it tends to make such writing better.

Yes as the poster above said, I need to know more words. I'm ok at Scrabble, but I could get better.

read some romance novels (I'm sure Jade could let you borrow a few) to get an idea of the kind of things they use, then see what you can come up with.

Yes please, maybe she can reccomend some for me to read.

You're a good writer, just keep at it. =)

Thank you, it's hard, but I do enjoy it so much. :D I don't think I'll be writing any more erotic stories for a while, unless I get a comission from someone!

At 6/19/06 02:47 PM, Turandot wrote: unless I get a comission from someone!

Do it.

At 6/19/06 02:47 PM, Turandot wrote:

At 6/19/06 01:13 PM, Fyndir wrote:

read some romance novels (I'm sure Jade could let you borrow a few) to get an idea of the kind of things they use, then see what you can come up with.

Yes please, maybe she can reccomend some for me to read.

Hahaha, I can recommend several harlequin romances, and some historical romances I've read.

I didn't know that "a Jade" was to write an erotic story. Wow. :D

To be honest it feels like you were overwhelmed by the task and in a way were afraid to put down anything that would be a reflection of your own sexuality. It reads as if you were taking notes from "stereotypical erotic writing for dummies" and closed it with, for lack of a better ending, the obligatory and woman-outsmarts-man motif that you're known for. Which in its own right isn't bad, but does feel as cheesy and forced as the rest of the story.

The story does what its supposed to, but isn't a good indicator of your talent.

I wish it was good.

It's not.

At 6/19/06 03:05 PM, BonusStage wrote: I wish it was good.

It's not.

That's BS for you ;-)

I really like it. I dont think some guys here are MATURE enough to appreciate it. Good job, keep it up

:O

That was good.

At 6/19/06 03:58 PM, DestroyerOfMan wrote:

O

That was good.

That means a lot from you :) Thanks very much!

x

Geez! Hot chicks ALL OVER this site!!! (gets excited & aroused)

Anyway, I thought it was good. Even better when someone mentioned that the girl in the story was based off of yourself. So I looked at your profile pic, & got EVEN MORE AROUSED.

I'm sorry if I'm embarassing you....

You should have made her masturbate. That would have been hotter.

At 6/19/06 04:33 PM, Luxury_Yacht wrote: You should have made her masturbate. That would have been hotter and more fap worthy

Sorry, next time I'll write something more to what you want. However this was for a "Make your entrance competition", so well, killing someone through sex, that does make a good entrance, yes?

At 6/19/06 04:35 PM, Turandot wrote:

At 6/19/06 04:33 PM, Luxury_Yacht wrote: You should have made her masturbate. That would have been hotter and more fap worthy

Sorry, next time I'll write something more to what you want. However this was for a "Make your entrance competition", so well, killing someone through sex, that does make a good entrance, yes?

Well, if it was for making a splash in the beginning, then it was definitely suited for it. But for straight erotica, maybe killing the male would sort of... put off the male readers a bit? I don't know, I'm not an expert on erotic writing by any means.

>:( No buttsecks.

At 6/19/06 11:48 AM, idOcrEatING wrote: Earfetish Jr in the making...

I think we have quite different styles of writing.

Anyway, it was very well written with lovely use of language and so forth, but I would agree you might've been a bit too softcore and it'll be hard to get a 'rise' (euphemistically) out of a lot of people without more intimacy - there is a very limited amount of erotic-ness aside from the desription of the naked beauty.

And also, the beauty of writing (imo) is that you can create such powerful and vivid scenes from fantasy, and you have to let your imagination go wild and not allow yourself to be inhibited by any conventions, so you could have the woman gently and subtly overpowering the man, plastering him with passionate kisses, rubbing her tits, shoving them in his face, riding him like a stede in a blitz of erotic and sensual intimacy, and then killing him.

And, as Whyte_Rhino says, although I'm not slandering your use of language, ample metaphors and similes could create a more beautiful or strong piece of writing.

But as always, you set the scene and created a strong setting and described it all well and it was quite sexy, but perhaps a bit of an under-representation of your actual abilities.

Thanks Earfetish,

As I said above, your writing is much better than mine. I don't write I'm afraid from experience very much on anything whether it's horror, sci-fi or this, so that limits me. My vocab could be better sadly, but I do try and improve all the time.

Seriously, your long post was ace, thank you so much.

Great for a first try. :)

Erotica is not for everyone. I know I can't write it, unless it were to be some over the top piece. :D

At 6/19/06 05:26 PM, Maus wrote: Great for a first try. :)

Erotica is not for everyone. I know I can't write it, unless it were to be some over the top piece. :D

It's difficult to write erotica, I find. I either get wayyy too vague about it, or I give up because I get too embarassed while I write it.
I think that's why, in a story I was writing, that I stopped--the consummation scene was too much. XD

However, Fyndir will protest to what I say...

I came once or twice.

At 6/19/06 05:55 PM, JadeTheAssassin wrote: It's difficult to write erotica, I find. I either get wayyy too vague about it, or I give up because I get too embarassed while I write it.

See, if I were to attempt something of this nature, I wouldn't be able to do it without howling with laughter.

So make it over the top, and funny. :) At least to you.

Romance fiction writers are given a formula they MUST follow. It's easy peasy as long as you don't laugh yourself out of a job. :D

I only enjoy Ear fetishes erotic writing

Blah, I said it was bad because i really took upon White_Rhyno's point of view, it was like, predictable from you. I read your brutal story before and it was an EXACT COPY off something that either you or Mastermind wrote, so it was like, SAME STORY, DIFFERENT SCENE, TRY HARDER, that's all :).

At 6/19/06 08:43 PM, BonusStage wrote: SAME STORY, DIFFERENT SCENE, TRY HARDER, that's all :).

Story of your life, hun. Everything you post is predictable and bland. oops.