Today I had the pleasure of experiencing something that no human being should ever have to endure. I'd never tell this to people I know, but this is the internet so I don't mind telling you guys. This is totally true. I wouldn't recommend reading if you have a fear of...shit.
I don't know why, but throughout the weekend I have been having quite a bit of flatulance. It must be from the mashed potato and baked beans I had on Saturday, because I can't tink of anything else. That and all the drinks I had.
I was up for ages last night farting away under the bed covers, and not just kinda loud farts, massive earthquake-worthy farts.
I got to sleep eventually.
Today I got up, and I decided to walk to school. My flatulance continued, which kinda gave me extra boost while I was walking I suppose, but that's not relevant.
I asked to be excused from class a few times today to go to the toilet and let some "steam" out. I occasionally let a few quiet ones out during class aswell.
But the main problem was the wind. It started after I had lunch.
I was in Maths class. Like earlier, I asked to go to the toilet as I could feel some hardcore wind coming on, and I needed to let it out. So I went to the toilet. I actually needed a wee aswell, so I went into a cubicle. I let out a few farts, but I noticed that they were a bit wet.
Now you know that feeling you get when you have diarreha and your stomach is just like "HOLY SHIT I NEED TO GO!"? That's the exact feeling I got at that precise moment.
Now I hate taking a dump in public toilets, but I had to do it now. It was diarreha. So I quickly covered the toilet seat edges with some loo roll so I could sit on it in a slightly more hygienic way. I let it out. It was pure and simple runny shit. "Great", I thought.
I cleaned up and that, and left the toilet, thinking nothing of the incident. I got back to maths class realising I had been out for nearly 15 minutes.
The day was over. It was time for me to get the bus home.
Most of the journey was fine, I can't remember if i farted at all, because what was to happen once I stepped off the bus was about to cast a shoadow over any "horrid" things I have ever done.
When I finally got off the bus, guess what. I needed it again. Not to fart, to shit. Runny shit. I squeezed my arse together trying to contain it. I walked for about 5 minutesa, and then decided to walk over to a post and stand still, as walking was not helping. I pretended I was waiting for someone lol. god I felt stupid. What I was erally doing was squeezing my bum as hard as I could to get the excrements back up into the system, to give me at least a few minutes break.
I stood there for about 5 minutes.
After a while I reckoned that I had done the trick, and the shit was back up in my body. so I began to walk.
That was the biggest mistake I have made in my life. Ever.
As soon as I took one step, my anal cavity just poured the liquidised excrements into my underwear. I pused for a split second, but I couldnt keep like that as I would have looked stupid. So I started to edge forward as much as I could without letting it...drip.
Now 'm usually a brisk walker, but this made me walk like a retarded crab. I just walked, hoping to bump into a public toilet, but sod's law there was not a public place in sight. And I coudln't just knock on someone's door saying, "I've shit myself, can I come in and clean up please?"
I walked (like a crab) for about half a mile, until at last. The heaven's had blessed me...
A PUBLIC TOILET!
I got in as quick as I could, and woddled to the entrance. What made things worse was that I need to go AGAIN. Also, some dreary old bloke just nabbed into the cubicle before I got a chance. Bastard. I was lef standing outside for about 3 minutes, which is a long time when you need to squirt shit.
When he came out, I rushed in. I didn't have time to cover the seat with paper (even thought public toilets are festering places of shit worship). Also the lock on the door was broken. I squatted over the seat and let it all out. My main concern was whether chavs would bother me, as public toilets are usually situated in chav gathering places.
So, I let it all out. It was a relief.
And then, to my wonderful discovery...
THERE WAS NO FUCKING TOILET PAPER!!!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!
After all the shit I had just been through (literally), I couldn't even wipe my arse let alone my already shit-filled pants!
It was awful. I had to walk another mile or so until I could reach my house. Again, I was walking like a drunken crab, and I could feel the shit smearing between my crotch. I would have taken my underwear off, but if I did then there would have bee nothing preventing the shit from staining my school trousers and running down my legs.
It was all squelching. I smelt of fucking shit. So badly. I tried to avoid walking close to people because I didn't want them to have to smell what I was. So, I walked for about another mile until I got home.
WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF.
I took everything off, and my legs were smeared with it, and so were my bollocks. It seriously looked like a scat feces fetish porn scene.
I washed it off immediately.
I am not leaving the house for AT LEAST 24 hours.
This day has scarred me for life.
I hope you learn....
...well, there's nothing much to learn.
When you've gotta go, you've gotta go.