Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

Damm poor Slap,that's real bad.i remember when i was in a crash but it was nowhere near as bad as that,i only broke my wrist and got whiplash.Damm that's really unfortunate.The guy that ran the red light should have his neck snapped for doing such an evil deed.
It's always the victim that gets hurt,never the criminal.Funny that.why should the innocent suffer when those that need to suffer live yet a while longer.
Hope slap gets well soon.

"ON YOUR FEET MAGGOTS!" The slave shifted miserably on the hard desert ground. "Move ya scum!" Cursed the slaver, his whip coiled in his hand like a snake in wait. He looked over to his master, and approached swiftly, to the slaves they spoke a foreign language. "Sie sind ausgeruht genug, die Zeit bis zum Umzug auf, sie wird für März ein guter Tag." The harsh tone of his voice was accompanied by a stern glare at the crowd of seven-hundred or so men slowly rising to their aching feet. They wielded many different number things, some carried wooden baseball bats, some carried cheap swords or knives bound to wooden poles to make crude spears, while others just carried sticks or sacks of rocks. Elsewhere in the gathering the slavers were warming up their whipping hands on the more unrully slaves.
The two men, the slaver and his foremen, were joined by a man of obvious dignity, on horseback wearing regal purple robes of a noble, fur trimmed and adorned with gold. At either of his sides were show pistols, and upon his short blond hair sat a fedora, matching purple and a black band. His horses hooves echoed on the rough ground of the Mojave, it was not used to these southern Californian steppes, and it felt nervous among the many unfamiliar men that surrounded it. The man who rode the horse was less uncomfortable than his steed, but rather disgusted and arrogant. "Well Hessians, Will your slaves move or shall they make your forsworn upon the deal that was made with Sothland?"
"Ja day vill move, und don't du glaubst dat vir vould go against vir word." Said the slaver, his broken English sounding awkward and uncertain.
The foreman, with complete confidence, raised one hand to his servant and said in a light Germanic accent, "They will move, mein herr, all the way to the border as was promised, but if your master dare not hold his word to our lord, King Dirk of the land of the lakes, then he shall have more than a few hundred slaves in his kingdom."
The man on horseback began to say something, but though better of it and replied, "Worry not of your pay, my humble mercenary, the slaves shall be payed for in full as shall your salary. Just make sure they arrive in time to meet the rest of the invasion force."
Both the slaver and the foreman shook their heads in a hurried agreement and then hurried off to get the slaves moving, for they were only a few days march from Sothland's capital, a place called Glendale, and from there the borderlands.

((I've done it! I've broken the writer's block! Now, after a little reminiscing and re-reading, not to mention some good old fashioned thought, I will be able to write some more! God it feels good to finally be free of that damned hold that was over my creativity, this felt right, this was natural. Thank God in heaven!))

Name:Drake Bladeslinger

Gender:Male

Age:24

Height:6'6"

Weight:189

Hair:Black

Eyes:blue

Ethnicity:White Canadian

Character Story:Once his parents had both died when he was 8, he went out to live on the streets with a life of pickpocketing and gangs, but this is about to change.......

Character Personality:Shy, Shadowy and quiet

Other Physical Characteristics:White

Character Clothing:Long Black coat with Dark Red Trim and White Under shirt,Black Jeans With Tear on Right knee and black leather gloves and black runners

Occupation:Part Time Job Workin at a Tattoo Parlour

Equipment: P90, Swiss army knife $260, $120 which are actually his,Leather Wallet, Watch,Brass Knuckles,and MotorCycle Key and Keys to small shack and cellphone and Deagle

Vehicle:MotorCycle

Advantages:Luck Night vision, alertness,Double Jointed

Disadvantages:Foul Mouth, Jealousy

Skills:MotorCycle,Pickpocketing,Streetwi se, Camoflage, gambling, Acting, Fishing, Tracking, climbing, First aid, Woodworking,Fast-draw, Smg,Knife, swimming, Artist

The old furnace was a'burning and the men were a'drinking. The two men from before were still abouts, as was old John, relaxed but barely buzzed, keeping a careful tab on his patrons. Across from him sat a newcomer, a man who looked to be quite drunk. His eyes were that of a happy idiot, low, tired and calm. In one of his hands was a cigar, its tip smoldering, falling off into an ashtray below it. In his other was an open bottle of Benito Beer, from Jurian's own breweries in the mountains to the west. Yes, old John was a rich son of a bitch alright, and Ed decided to make him just a little bit richer.

"Haha Eddy! How's the hunt?" Yelled old John with enthusiasm, cigar smoke streaming from his old, dry lips. His voice was calm but his eyes were sharp, John wasn't one to underestimate.
"Pretty good I'spose, who's the new fella?" Said Eddy, walking over to the fridge, grabbing a beer and pulling up a chair.
"Th'names Jak muster, *hic*, th' question is what time be it?" Said the man, Jak, slightly slurred but not overboard, shit faced smashed. He could at the very least remember his priorities. "Cause' I got someplace ta' go, *hic*, and that place is Joshua's shitter, or something like that, *hic*."
"I know the place, called Joseph's Hill, it's ma' home." Said Eddy, not coldly but with a playful amusement, it'd been a long couple of days and this guy was lightening the mood a tad.
Jak looked over with a sobering smile and said, "No offense pal."
"None taken." Replied Eddy. [Seems like a well enough sort, I guess.]
"So . . . *hic*, wheresh ya's from buddy?" Asked one of the other hunters, Hank Rainolds, in a deep and drunk slur.
Jak sobered up even more, in the blink of an eye it seemed, more or less he tensed up. He coughed a little and replied, "Elsewhere."
The other hunter, Micheal Sortswell, perked up at this and asked, "Elsewhere aint from Sothland, is it?" The room seemed to tense up quite a bit, John could feel it, Ed could feel it, hands drifting to their wastes, looking for knives, guns, whatever could be used in a fight.
Jak took in a quick breath and prepared to say something when John blurted out, "Now now, that aint no one's business, we don't need any trouble here Micheal. Besides I think ya'done had enough."
"I aint had enough till I says I does!" Yelled Micheal, banging his fist down on the table like an upset child.
Eddy moved in now, saying, "Watch your tongue you ungrateful cur, this aint yer home, this aint even yer favorite bar, this is John's place and you'll respect him."
Micheal, Hank and John shot at Eddy, but Jak's remained fixed on Micheal. Micheal sighed, easing up immediately and said, "Aye, yer right. I'shpose we should be getting back tu' Orslund, the wife'll kill me if I show up any drunker than dis." The two men rose quickly and headed for the door, waving casual goodbyes to the three men still at the table.
Eddy looked over to Jak and said, "Ya best watch what ya say 'round ere, t'aint safe to be speaking mysteriously in the borderlands, people are angry, untrustworthy, quick to jump to conclusions. Act like your from around here and like you hate Sothland and you'll be fine."
Jak looked over, shook his head and said, "Thanks for the advice, but I think I can handle anything the country can throw at me. I better get going, trying to figure out where, was it Joseph's Hill?" Ed shook his head, yes. "Ya, Joseph's Hill, I have to figure out where that is. It'll be kind of tough drunk though, *hic*."
"Nah, t'wouldn't be right for you to be stumbling 'round these parts," began old John, rising from his seat, "You oughta have a guide, and being the good sort that I am, well Eddy I'll butcher yer catch at a discount if ya show our new friend Jak to Joseph's Hill, you should be getting back home anyway, no sense wasting the day in may lodge." Before either man had a chance to protest or agree John was ushering them out of the door. Eddy turned to Jak and shrugged, smiling lightly. Jak returned his smile and the two men walked away from the lodge and to their respective modes of transport, preparing to head to Joseph's Hill.

At 5/23/08 09:53 PM, goodgrim wrote: Name:Drake Bladeslinger

Real lastname

Gender:Male

Penises Rule

Age:24

Mkay

Height:6'6"

A little tall but whatever

Weight:189

Ok

Hair:Black

Sure

Eyes:blue

A little played out but fine

Ethnicity:White Canadian

Don't see the significance of the Canadian but whatever

Character Story:Once his parents had both died when he was 8, he went out to live on the streets with a life of pickpocketing and gangs, but this is about to change.......

Ok, no. More detail, more realism, more everything. Read the page marked in my sig

Character Personality:Shy, Shadowy and quiet

This would be BARELY acceptable if it had a decent biography to explain it

Other Physical Characteristics:White

Don't see a point to this one . . .

Character Clothing:Long Black coat with Dark Red Trim and White Under shirt,Black Jeans With Tear on Right knee and black leather gloves and black runners

Again really really REALLY played out, originality is worth a thousand bad asses in trench coats

Occupation:Part Time Job Workin at a Tattoo Parlour

Tattoo Parlor . . . ?

Equipment: P90, Swiss army knife $260, $120 which are actually his,Leather Wallet, Watch,Brass Knuckles,and MotorCycle Key and Keys to small shack and cellphone and Deagle

Ok the guns are a bit much, as is the whole cash details and wallet details and keys details, and the cellphone sounds pretty pointless, again read the page in my sig or explain it.

Vehicle:MotorCycle

I guess this is OK, but still feels kind of played the hell out, cliche standard bad ass to me. ORIGINALITY PLEASE

Advantages:Luck Night vision, alertness,Double Jointed

What? and to reiterate, WHAT? No special abilities, your a standard human.

Disadvantages:Foul Mouth, Jealousy

Seem pretty flimsy when you compare them to the advantages, I mean he has heightened alertness, a trench coat, standard bad ass guns, a motorcycle, special night-vision superpowers and about a hundred other cliches and his drawbacks are the foul moth (cliche again) and the Jealousy. Nope, not gonna fly.

Skills:MotorCycle,Pickpocketing,Streetwi se, Camoflage, gambling, Acting, Fishing, Tracking, climbing, First aid, Woodworking,Fast-draw, Smg,Knife, swimming, Artist

Ok I'm just not gonna comment on this. Read the page on my sig and come up with something REALISTIC and maybe just a little bit ORIGINAL and then you can go on the trial period. You need way more detail in the biography and to be a realistic HUMAN with realistic equipment. It wasn't a bad first shot, but it was far from good.

((Sorry for interrupting (guess I am a member, though) but Slaps said he doesn't want his character to die off for some reason (wouldn't give me a direct answer), so could maybe one of you guys use his character? Here's where his char. page is. I think he wants the character to be all amnesiac (that a word?) and mysterious.

If anyone decides to adopt lil' Hurok then ahead and disregard Slaps first RP post with him. If not, I'll go on ahead and do it.))

I was just reading that character description which was posted.double jointed?
Believe me on this one,it ain't no advantage.i know because i'm double jointed.I've dislocated my knee once and my elbow twice,my joints always click and i've had way to many close calls with dislocation.Long story short,it hurts a lot when you dislocate something.Being double jointed isn't an advantage,it's a disadvantage.

((Well I've been wondering about something, while I sit back here and wait for someone to post, and that is if you guys are still reading and posting? The thread was stagnant for a LONG TIME, but I watched it as I fought my writer's block and now that it's broken I feel so impatient, as the school year draws to a close and the pressure is lifted from my shoulders ideas slowly begin to return to my fingers when I type, a feeling I've not had for about a month, and it feels so good. My urge to continue the thread before it gets into an even worse state is almost overwhelming, but I am a man of temperance and can hold myself until you, my fellow RP'ers, can write something, do not feel pressured, post when your ready, but answer me this in the meantime.

When do you think you will be able to post one more?))

Name: Alex Mcardle

Age:19

appearance:Stands at 5"5, wheres a black ZERO Jacket and regular blue jeans, though Alex isnt the toughest guy you would meat he makes upfor in speed for its just a little faster than average. His hair reaches his neck and is a little curley, and his hair color is brown, his eye color is green he always wheres his messenger bag accros his arm which carries his skateboard and crowbar.

Equipment:A crowbar, his skateboard, and some food.

Skills:Though his dad was very talented in construction, Alex however picked up none of his talents, instead Alex is an excelent skateboarder.

Personality:Alex is very sensitive and he gets lonely and scared easily but he tries to act tough.

Bio:Alex is American and he has never left the U.S, he lived a good life, his parents where rich he got almost everything he wanted but then when the war started he was drafted. When the Plane arrived Alex was being taken to a training camp in Iraq as they were passing over California they were shot down by something and Alex was the only survivor he found a crowbar laying on the ground and he already had his skateboard.

location:Curently lives in California at a local skatepark, since everything else is destroyed he sleep under a broken helicopter which Ironicly made a perfect little house. Everyday Alex tries to pass the time and forgot about whats happned by skateboarding, around noon everyday Alex goes scavinging for food and anything else.

I can change around anything if you guys want me to, but I think I did a pretty good job.

At 5/24/08 11:59 PM, Caboose3 wrote: Name: Alex Mcardle

Ok

Age:19

Fine

appearance:Stands at 5"5, wheres a black ZERO Jacket and regular blue jeans, though Alex isnt the toughest guy you would meet he makes upfor in speed for its just a little faster than average. His hair reaches his neck and is a little curley, and his hair color is brown, his eye color is green he always wheres his messenger bag accros his arm which carries his skateboard and crowbar.

Sounds good, the skateboard is a tad cliche but its really very minor so I'll let it pass.

Equipment:A crowbar, his skateboard, and some food.

Alright

Skills:Though his dad was very talented in construction, Alex however picked up none of his talents, instead Alex is an excelent skateboarder.

Alright

Personality:Alex is very sensitive and he gets lonely and scared easily but he tries to act tough.

Ok

Bio:Alex is American and he has never left the U.S, he lived a good life, his parents where rich he got almost everything he wanted but then when the war started he was drafted. When the Plane arrived Alex was being taken to a training camp in Iraq as they were passing over California they were shot down by something and Alex was the only survivor he found a crowbar laying on the ground and he already had his skateboard.

This is fine-ish, maybe add where the city he used to live in was and who ruled it and who were they fighting, I guess it accomplishes the whole start in Cali thing so its fine, just a tad murky.

location:Curently lives in California at a local skatepark, since everything else is destroyed he sleep under a broken helicopter which Ironicly made a perfect little house. Everyday Alex tries to pass the time and forgot about whats happned by skateboarding, around noon everyday Alex goes scavinging for food and anything else.

Its ok I suppose, ya just leave it.

I can change around anything if you guys want me to, but I think I did a pretty good job.

Indeed you did, a hell of a lot better than most of what first time posters put up here, you can start posting but just remember to take advice from us and listen to us, you start on a trial thing where we reserve the right to tell you to get out and come back when you listen and write better. Speaking of advice if you have a word processer with spell check you might want to copy and paste anything you write into it and run it through spell check before posting it on here.

At 5/25/08 10:11 AM, Chickidydow wrote:

At 5/24/08 11:59 PM, Caboose3 wrote: Name: Alex Mcardle

Ok

Age:19

Fine

appearance:Stands at 5"5, wheres a black ZERO Jacket and regular blue jeans, though Alex isnt the toughest guy you would meet he makes upfor in speed for its just a little faster than average. His hair reaches his neck and is a little curley, and his hair color is brown, his eye color is green he always wheres his messenger bag accros his arm which carries his skateboard and crowbar.

Sounds good, the skateboard is a tad cliche but its really very minor so I'll let it pass.

Heh sorry about the skatebaord I just wanted to add something he likes to do ^^"

Equipment:A crowbar, his skateboard, and some food.

Alright

Skills:Though his dad was very talented in construction, Alex however picked up none of his talents, instead Alex is an excelent skateboarder.

Alright

Personality:Alex is very sensitive and he gets lonely and scared easily but he tries to act tough.

Ok

Bio:Alex is American and he has never left the U.S, he lived a good life, his parents where rich he got almost everything he wanted but then when the war started he was drafted. When the Plane arrived Alex was being taken to a training camp in Iraq as they were passing over California they were shot down by something and Alex was the only survivor he found a crowbar laying on the ground and he already had his skateboard

This is fine-ish, maybe add where the city he used to live in was and who ruled it and who were they fighting, I guess it accomplishes the whole start in Cali thing so its fine, just a tad murky.

Alright im making his old hometown Alabama (because I live there xD)

location:Curently lives in California at a local skatepark, since everything else is destroyed he sleep under a broken helicopter which Ironicly made a perfect little house. Everyday Alex tries to pass the time and forgot about whats happned by skateboarding, around noon everyday Alex goes scavinging for food and anything else.

Its ok I suppose, ya just leave it.

I can change around anything if you guys want me to, but I think I did a pretty good job.

Indeed you did, a hell of a lot better than most of what first time posters put up here, you can start posting but just remember to take advice from us and listen to us, you start on a trial thing where we reserve the right to tell you to get out and come back when you listen and write better. Speaking of advice if you have a word processer with spell check you might want to copy and paste anything you write into it and run it through spell check before posting it on here.

Thankyou for the good review, it took me a while to think of all that and the only reason I added the skating is because I wanted him to have sort of a hobby and I skate in real life so I thought why not.

:: Ok here goes

As daylight arrived Alex emerged from the destroyed helicopter, he walked over to his stash of food and grabbed a pop-tart, unwrapped it then ate it. It was much too hot that day to skate so he went to search for food. As Alex walked through the park to the lake he saw a pack of dogs feading on a dead body.

Eugh

Alex kept walking to the lake where he had made a trap to catch fish...it was empty. Alex re-placed the trap and went to the supermarket a quater of a mile away. The supermarket was destroyed but there was still food and other supplies that littered the remains. Alex started to search and found a pack of ham..still completely intact, he also remembered he already has bread. It was about to be 1:00 so he walked home,he noticed the body was gone on his way back also. As Alex reached the skatepark he realised the dogs where going through his food. He grabbed his crowbar and yelled at the dogs to get. But they just growled at him. Alex ran at the dogs and they quit going threw his stuff and faced him. Alex flailed his crowbar and yelled get but the dogs just growled at him. One of the dogs jumped foward and bit into his arm alex crushed the dogs head with his crowbar and fell to the ground with a huge gash in his arm. The other dogs seeing the threat ran away.

(well my first story I dont think I did very good but...oh well. Again any tips on writing and just anything else would be greatly appretiated ^^.)

At 5/24/08 12:45 AM, ManMadeKing wrote: If anyone decides to adopt lil' Hurok then ahead and disregard Slaps first RP post with him. If not, I'll go on ahead and do it.))

((Alright, I'll do it.))

Gurgle-rumble. (I'm hungry. .) Hurok thought. He took the short-bow from off his back. (Do I have arrows?) He asked himself, patting his pants. No arrows. (Damn. . maybe there is a town nearby that could feed me or something.) Hurok reasoned there was, and continued on his way. But still, his mind did not rest. He'd forgotten his past, at least up 'til that tragic night. The thoughts invaded his mind. . (What happened to me?)(What have I learned?)(Where did this tattoo come from?)(Are there tattoos on my back?) They kept coming, non-stop. (Who's Jereth?) was the important one. Who the hell is Jereth?

Gurgle-rumble-rumble-gurgle. "Shaddup I get it." Hurok said to his stomach. The sun was rising, hitting his back with gentle warmth. "Good, the sun still exists." Hurok muttered, turning back to look at it. "And it's still yellow." He smiled. Gurgle-rumble. (Right, food, getting it.) Hurok thought, turning around. (I better find some kind of animal or a city soon, 'cause I'm starving.) He walked down the last of the dirt path before it turned into concrete. (Must be headin' the right way.) Hurok smiled, laughing under his breath.

((Go ahead and find Hurok if you want (i'd be nice), otherwise I'll keep on trekkin' down the street.))

((That's right, I'm still here, fading in the background and watching as the souls pass through this electric mini-universe, eccentric 10 year olds cursing at pimple faced trolls, safe behind glowing screens, their fingers gleaming with sweat as they dance across the keyboard.

Sorry, we've been doing poems in class...))

Jak had been sitting at the table with the other guys, drinking hard liquer and talking about different things when a younger man, probably 17 or so, burst into the room. The man was panting and covered in a fine sheen of sweat but he managed to get the words out.

???: They *pant*, they stole yer vehicle missir *panting*

Jak jumped from his chair, his AKM barrel biting into his leg as it swung on the strap.

Jak: Who! Who did?

The amount of jobs Jak had had to pull off for that vehicle, all the steel plates covering it, and the medical equipment inside was outrageous! To think of someone just walking off with it infuriated him to the point of shattering his glass on the floor.

???: Sothy *pant* Soth-soldiers...

With that the blond headed man slumped in a chair, just in time to move out of the speeding doctor. [Those mother fuckers! When I get my hand on 'em it won't matter what king's bitch they are!] Jak was fuming as he raced down the grassy trail, leaping over sticks and ducking under low-hanging branches till he was at the bottom of the hill. He was slightly aware of a few hunters trying to keep up, but they were still back a few yards so he looked up and down the gravel roads.

The soldiers, and his ambulance, were nowhere to to be seen, giving up he kicked the gravel, cursing loudly as the men finally caught up, sweating and panting like over-worked dogs.

???: So what'd they get away with?

The man asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

Jak: An armored medical vehicle with a full gas tank, various drugs, medical equipment, and a case (not magizines, those metal cases that carry mags of ammo) of AK rounds...DAMNIT! Who were those basterds?

He slipped his mag out of his rifle, checking how much ammo he had left, he'd have to make it last if he ever wanted to get his "life" back. [28 rounds...*sigh* great...]

???: They are soldiers from the other rulers, they come around sometimes when they want something, but if we do anything, they will crush us...it is best to just leave it be...

Jak turned around quickly, stale teeth glaring from the brown stubble beard in a snarl.

Jak: Let it be! Are you fuckin' serious? Those horse fuckers just took my life! Without that vehicle I can't do anything!

One of the older men came over, his face had a long grey beard btu the top of his head was a shiny pink stone from the sun's glare.

Old man: Look son, we understand your anger, but going up against the Sothys is no small feat. Come over to my tavern, I'll give you a room for tonight and get yah fed, in the mornin' we'll see what you can do around the town to make some money. It's a good thing your a doc doc, we got a boy seriously in need of your work...

((Jak you miss my previous posts?))

This is my first try at anything like this.
tell me if i can "do better"
thanks

Name: Sara Mills

Age: 14

Appearance: Sara stands at 5'3 I have been a gymnast for 8 years. she has wavy brown hair, medium, hazel brown eyes. she wears loose flannelet shirts, black skinny jeans and truckers cap, 'skate' shoes. she always wears a leaf pendant around my neck.

Equipment: she carrys on her a .22 caliber and a 9mm. she always carrys around a backpack with sets of tools like sockets screwdrivers hammers and spare ammo.

Skills: "she is as quick as lightning" she has skills in acrobats and martial arts. she is experienced with computers and computer knowledge. she has completed a first aid course, but not very good at it.

Personality: she is not a shy girl, she will speak up if i have to, she comes across confronting and a sweet innocent girl, on the inside im hell, she can smack down a guy her age in 10 seconds flat.

Bio:she comes from down under in Australia. Since the domination has started she has been forced to evacuate her home town and country, she was born under poverty but grew to become an amazing gymnast, she has acepted her fate now that she must help and use her skills. Her parents have both been murdered and she is the only one left in her family. she uses her leaf pendant her mother gave her as her motivational strive. she dreams of one day becoming an olympic gold medalist in gymnastics on the floor and uneven bars.

Location: Sara is starting in an alley way, the smell is foul and the ground is uneven and squishy, sara is waking up on a pile of human waste.

At 5/27/08 10:10 PM, Chickidydow wrote: ((Jak you miss my previous posts?))

Aww, curses, now i have to think awhile as to how I'm going to go about this... should probably sober up before doing an operation eh? I also wouldn't mind losin' my ambulance, but all in due time... forget I even wrote that post, I'll work it in some other time.

By the way, who's my pal? That guy wanted to know, but I don't know...were they talking of the victim I'm looking for?

(Should I meet up with anyone or not? And if so when or should I just stay alone, I didnt mention my location in california on purpose so incase I needed to be somewhere I could just say I was there the whole time)

Alex stould up after being bitten in his arm from the dogs. He then searched for medical equipment in his bag but everything was destroyed except for a bandaid, "better than nothing" he thought. Alex put the bandaid on the side of his wound, even though the wound is much bigger than the bandaid..it helped. "I need to find some medical attention..I could get rabies or something worse" he thought
So alex grabbed his bag which was intact except for a hole in the side..but everything in it was gone. Alex put his crowbar in it and started walking northward where he once saw smoke from. "it may take a couple days but I need to find some help" It was 8:00 pm when Alex had walked about 1 and a half mile so he decided to sleep for the rest of the night. After Alex made a bed ou of pine straw he layed down and fell asleep. The next morning Alex got up packed his stuff and kept walking. On his way everything or most everything was destroyed..all the plants trees all that remained was leaves and pine straw. "hopefully where im heading something will be alive...but its 40 miles away I dont think ill be able to make it" he thought About 20 minutes later it started raining. "hey its raining it hasnt rained in....OW OW OW! SHIT ACID RAIN" he yelled Alex dived under a destroyed birdge and waited for the rain to quit.

(well my 2nd attempt at making a story for my character I know it wasnt that good but it was the best I could do. Also thanks for the good review again chicky ^^)

At 5/27/08 10:45 PM, peanutftw wrote: This is my first try at anything like this.
tell me if i can "do better"
thanks

Humility is a good thing to have, hold on to it and you'll do fine in here.

Name: Sara Mills

Fine by me

Age: 14

Age minimum is 17, pretty minor but still.

Appearance: Sara stands at 5'3 I have been a gymnast for 8 years. she has wavy brown hair, medium, hazel brown eyes. she wears loose flannelet shirts, black skinny jeans and truckers cap, 'skate' shoes. she always wears a leaf pendant around my neck.

Get the whole 1st person/third person conflict sorted out and it will be fine, but we write third person here.

Equipment: she carries* on her a .22 caliber and a 9mm. she always carries* around a backpack with sets of tools like sockets screwdrivers hammers and spare ammo.

Your spelling is quite good but still try and use a word processor to spell check before posting.

Skills: "she is as quick as lightning" she has skills in acrobats and martial arts. she is experienced with computers and computer knowledge. she has completed a first aid course, but not very good at it.

Sounds ok, the martial arts seems a tad extreme, I mean karate isn't really practical outside of fighting with other karate people, so you might want to drop that.

Personality: she is not a shy girl, she will speak up if i have to, she comes across confronting and a sweet innocent girl, on the inside im hell, she can smack down a guy her age in 10 seconds flat.

Pretty good but once again we come to that issue with the first person/third person issue again.

Bio:she comes from down under in Australia. Since the domination has started she has been forced to evacuate her home town and country, she was born under poverty but grew to become an amazing gymnast, she has accepted* her fate now that she must help and use her skills. Her parents have both been murdered and she is the only one left in her family. she uses her leaf pendant her mother gave her as her motivational strive. she dreams of one day becoming an olympic gold medalist in gymnastics on the floor and uneven bars.

Well you start in California, just read the page in my sig and you'll have all the context.

Location: Sara is starting in an alley way, the smell is foul and the ground is uneven and squishy, sara is waking up on a pile of human waste.

Again California

No major issues here, a few little things really. Fix up a couple of things, read the page in my sig, rewrite it here for me to see and then assuming there are no more issues you'll be approved for a trial membership thing, take advice from the veterans, put some effort into writing and you'll do fine.

((Also Caboose, your posts are fine but I think the real issue is you need to use more description and flow, to show the reader rather than tell, a constant issue with all writers. Like when you said:

Alex stood* up after being bitten in his arm from the dogs. He then searched for medical equipment in his bag but everything was destroyed except for a band aid, "better than nothing" he thought. Alex put the band aid on the side of his wound, even though the wound is much bigger than the band aid..it helped. "I need to find some medical attention..I could get rabies or something worse" he thought

I would have put it like so, not that you need to write exactly as me, as this is by no means bad, but it could be better:

Alex climbed to his feet, his arm numb with pain from the bite that the feral dog had given him. [I need something to protect this from infection, what have I got left?] Alex's hand combed the inside of his medical bag, feeling nothing but fabric until it came upon a smooth strip of paper packaging. "Ah," said Alex with a hint of triumph, and a hint of disappointment. He pulled it out, ripped the paper open and took out the tiny adhesive strip, fitting it carefully over the wound, trying his hardest to cover as much of it as possible with the tiny band aid.
Alex looked at the job he had done, let out a long sigh and said, "This isn't good enough, shit, I need something more," his gaze already turning off into the distance, his thoughts far away.

Flow, word choice and description are key to success, remember that and not only will your posts rise in quality but they will be a lot more fun to read and accomplish more. Your not far off from that success, just a little more effort and you'll be turning out the posts like a master))

can I join?

At 5/28/08 06:12 PM, Urchin wrote: can I join?

Read the page in my sig to get the character application template, if your's is good enough you'll be put on a trial membership and if you prove yourself there you'll be approved for full membership.

At 5/28/08 07:40 AM, Chickidydow wrote: ((Also Caboose, your posts are fine but I think the real issue is you need to use more description and flow, to show the reader rather than tell, a constant issue with all writers. Like when you said:

Alex stood* up after being bitten in his arm from the dogs. He then searched for medical equipment in his bag but everything was destroyed except for a band aid, "better than nothing" he thought. Alex put the band aid on the side of his wound, even though the wound is much bigger than the band aid..it helped. "I need to find some medical attention..I could get rabies or something worse" he thought

I would have put it like so, not that you need to write exactly as me, as this is by no means bad, but it could be better:

Alex climbed to his feet, his arm numb with pain from the bite that the feral dog had given him. [I need something to protect this from infection, what have I got left?] Alex's hand combed the inside of his medical bag, feeling nothing but fabric until it came upon a smooth strip of paper packaging. "Ah," said Alex with a hint of triumph, and a hint of disappointment. He pulled it out, ripped the paper open and took out the tiny adhesive strip, fitting it carefully over the wound, trying his hardest to cover as much of it as possible with the tiny band aid.
Alex looked at the job he had done, let out a long sigh and said, "This isn't good enough, shit, I need something more," his gaze already turning off into the distance, his thoughts far away.

Flow, word choice and description are key to success, remember that and not only will your posts rise in quality but they will be a lot more fun to read and accomplish more. Your not far off from that success, just a little more effort and you'll be turning out the posts like a master))

that was very well put...ill try harder sorry, i'v never been good at describing things but ill take more time into thinking of what to type. I also started using word like you said so my spelling shouldnt be a problem. Im sorry but I probobly wont add for a few days. My life has been trouble for the past few months, I failed math I gotta go to summer school my parents are pissed and I have to sneak on at night to contribute and my parents are divorsed my dad and step-mom constantly fight and my other family is dirt poorand school is just as bad, most all my class-mates (xcept my friends) treat me like shit because I skate my whole school is mostly rednecks (no offence) but there all so annoying all they do is pick fights with me but I cant do anything because im smaller than most people and theres way more of them. And my stepmom thinks I have to be outside working everysingle hour so I dont get to do anything but work all day, she even expects me to build a deck by our pool while my other 2 sisters swim I CANT EVEN BUILD A BIRDHOUSE! So my life pretty much sucks in my opinion but you guys probobly have it worse since most of you are a lot older than me. Anyways ill try harder Chicky thanks ^-^

At 5/28/08 06:12 PM, Urchin wrote: can I join?

*facepalm*

((Does NObody listen? Listen to Chicky, follow the rules, post your page. Please?

Sorry I've been away, but real life came a knockin'))

"Ah c'mon you guysh. Jees....jees ONE more drinky?"

"Hell. No. We're getting you to the car. We're leaving now." Nick snapped at a very drunk Ethan.

"Ahm.....ahm drivin' tho'....righ?"

"Fuck all over that shit dude. You can't even stand on your own." replied a panting Tony, struggling to keep pace with Nick, as he had Ethan's dead weight in an arm-over-the-shoulder lift."

"I only had....uh....five drinksh."

"Yeah. Per hour. Now shut up and sleep it off. You'll get yours in the morning you pisshead." Tony said, heaving him into the backseat of a rather beat up 2032 Chevy.

Ethan was asleep before Tony even closed the door.

"Christ on a cross. How many did he have?" inquired Nick, getting into the shotgun seat.

"I lost count two hours ago. It's honestly a wonder the man was semi-coherent when we left just now," said Tony, a vague hint of wonder in his voice, "Seriously, his liver must be about ready to go on strike."

"I'M about ready to go on strike if we don't find someplace with decent vodka," replied Nick, slipping his fedora over his eyes, "Where're we heading anyway?"

"Some little place called Sothland. It's about eighty-odd kilometres from here. Get some sleep if you can, I'll wake you when we get there."

"M'kay....why're we goin' there again?"

"To join a caravan heading to the east. Supposedly they managed to salvage a plane in New York City. Us and a bunch of other people are heading out in a couple days to join the team there and then fly across the Atlantic."

"Why are we crossing the bloody ocean?"

"Try and make contact with our mates in the other continents. If all goes well, we should be in London-town by next week."

"Mmmph....'kay." And with that, Nick fell into a deep sleep.

((People starting to come back, I was a little worried there for a minute. Phew, the ordeal of the writer's block and stagnant thread is over, I'll post something tomorrow morning.))

((meh got I board around eleven decided to right something))

Soon the rain stopped around 11:00 am. Alex stould up his arm still numb from pain, around him the water rushed around his feet down the rain catcher under the bridge, he smiled. Then Alex fell to the ground from a sudden pain streak in his arm, the acid rain smoked as it came into contact with his face. Alex yelped then jumped back up, he held his hand on his face. only a few miles left" he said to himself.
Alex climbed the muddy hill back to the top of the bridge and dusted himself off. He admired the road "hmm theres a road here, and the concrete is still there" Alex reached for his skateboard in his pack and retreived it, he threw it to the groud and jumped on it. "should get there faster now" he smiled

Alex began to push himself with his tired feet. As he gained significant speed..a little too much speed, there was a gash in the road and as Alex went over it his skateboard stopped and he flew off of it. Alex landed on his hurt arm scratching his band-aid off and increasing the size of his wound tremendoously. He yelped in pain and held his arm, which was bleading gallons of blood. He gazed off at the town ahead of him, he was only half a mile away and he was extremly exhausted but he struggled to his feet anyways. He glanced at his skatebord, it had been broken in half as he was flung off. Alex turned back around and began walking to the small town. "I have no idea where this is but I might make it" Alex kept shuffiling closer to the small town. As he reached the outer perimiter of the town the road disapeared into dirt, and his foot was trapped as it fell into a snake hole, he tripped landing on his arm again. But this time he didnt scream in pain, he made no noise at all, he passed out, with his arm still bleeding in the dirt.

((Thats the best I could do...sorry. Im not really sure what will happen next, maybe he's at Josephs hill, maybe somewhere else, he'll be where ever somebody wakes him up at ;) ))

((A little something set elsewhere to keep things phresh.))

The kingdom of the lakes, or the kingdom of the Green Bay as it is better known, is set around the port town of Green Bay in what was once Wisconsin. The place was powerful, large in size and wealth. Most of northern Wisconsin, parts of southern Canada, about half of Minnesota, the eastern half, and most of Michigan were in this great kingdom, a place not of confederacies, where several men share the power, but rather a sole ruler and his upper class, and that man is King Dirk Hassmun, relative to the warlords of the Germanic Confederacy in Europe.
Dirk's kingdom was a powerful place, mightiest in the Midwest, a place of heavy German heritage, and a place of great decline. The borders were slowly beginning to weaken, internal problems were beginning to stack up, so Green Bay had to be wise. She held her armies at home to control the population, played big brother to fledgling nations near something they wanted, and took it as a prize for helping them. Green Bay, the land of the lakes, true power was in her fleet. Each small lake was a shipyard, when a ship was built it could be brought to the main ports on the great lakes, and from there they controlled the great lakes. In the hands of the King was a small professional warfleet, but that was not his power, rather a population of merchantmen of war, ship owning men whom the initiative fell to. Much akin to Elizabethan England, with the backing of the crown they would travel to distant lands, force trading with weak states, setting up contacts and inciting wars, as well as slaving, bringing back to the motherland wealth, information and a valuable commodity, slaves, for which Green Bay was a hub.

"Ahhh, those Soth boys know how to cook up some good shit, eh, hahahahaha, *sniff*" Dirk scratched his nose as he sniffed another line of crack, shaking slightly, his eyes tearing. A tiny drop of blood ran down from his nose, hitting the collar of his red dress shirt, popped over the black one of his suit. "So, *sniff*, what is the word?" said the King as he sat up in his easy chair, his eyes more on the scratched up table infront of him as he scraped together another line.
His companion said, in a light German accent, "Well the merchant, Freeman, just returned from another expedition and-"
"What's the intake, I shelled out some hefty damage on that voyage, so what am I getting back?" Dirk scraped the leftover crack into a tiny metal tube, brought one shaky hand, in it a gold lighter with a tiny flame dancing at its tip, and lit the tube.
The King's man tried not to show his embarrassment, and continued, "Freeman returned with fifty slaves from the Isles as well as news and an offer from our friends in Oslo." He paused expecting the King to say something.
Dirk, after about a minute, waved his hands in an impatient manner saying, "Well get on with it, *sniff*, I don't know what they said so why are you waiting?"
"Yes of course sire," the King's man reached into his suit and dragged out a letter. Carefully opening it so as not to desecrate the seal that was upon it, he pulled out a piece of paper. Reading it, he said, "I, Lord of Oslo, friend of the great King Dirk and all of his ilk, request upon the mighty kingdom of the Greenest Bay to aid me in my battles against our most hated and mutual enemy, the Confederacy of Bergen. In return for the aid of thine fleet and thine time I offer thee half of any oil that my men should happen upon, as well as a discount upon any future transactions we may come to agreement upon over the oil in the North Sea, your dearest friend and eternal ally, Lord Oslo." The King's man took a long breath and set the letter aside, waiting for his lord to say something.
Dirk to a long drag of his crack, breathing hard as he exhaled, his eyes wide and energetic. "Prima, sehr sehr gut, Ich, *cough*, I agree to these terms, write me a letter of agreement and send it to him on a warship, supported by three others to leave as soon as possible. Muster a force of men and two ships from the merchants, perhaps my friend Freeman would like a reward for his good work for the crown as well. His son joined the mariner's guild did he not?" The King's man nodded quickly. "Ja, ja, *sniff*, see to it he has experience in the field. Now, do it NOW, don't just sit there when there is so much to be done, go go go!" The King was on his feet now, taking one last drag off his crack before tossing it aside. He quickly shewed his man out the door giving him a quick, "Bis dann" before shutting the door.

i really need to link up with the main group quickly or i'll be posting my own seperate story once again.currently i'm riding towards the main city on a black horse.Anyway i can link up without damaging where your story is going?

Oh yeh i also wrote a little bit about britain in my last coupleof posts,i kind of said it was deserted with a lot of bandits but you know London town sounds better so i'll roll with that.