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At 1/7/03 01:30 AM, zanz wrote: I would have liked to have seen this post go on. fucking hilarious man. and its even funnier that people are still posting.

I was reading the earlier posts, from when the thread first started, and found this one. I found it extremely ammusing, seeing as how he thought the thread was going to end now that everyone knew it was a joke. Seems he was wrong.

OMG MASTRBATON IS FUN, WHATS WNRG WIT U GUYS, WRE U TOUCHD AS KIDS!?!?!?!/?!?

This thread was so entertaining I wacked off to it.

At 12/24/03 06:50 AM, Veggiemeal wrote: THE PROBLEM

Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

Myth:Masturbation is harmless.
Reality:Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth:Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality:Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth:Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality:Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth:Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality:Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth:But everyone's doing it!
Reality:Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.
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THE SOLUTION

How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs!

Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. If we are to get tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as:
1. "Personal Vibrators" and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls.
2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

Intensive urine testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned! Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!

Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.

Property Seizure: Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the homes and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to anti-Masturbation law enforcement.

Myth: Masturbation is harmful.
Though certain things are asscociated with masturbation all of those things are also ascosiated with puberty in general when most people start masturbationg.

Myth: The bible says masturbation is wrong
In the old testament god smites Onan not for masturbating but for not fertilizing his dead brothers wife because the child wouldn't be considered his so he had sex with her then squirted his spooge on the ground at the last second, this is a value we obviously don't have nowdays (THANK GOD)

Myth: nobody masturbates
Exactly as you said but so horribly worded 95% THATS 95% OF PEOPLE MASTURBATE REGULARLY

Myth: masturbating has victims
Unless your doing it in the face of some freaking homophobe it's not a crime with a victim, and perhaps the 5% of people who don't masturbate have a lower rate of sexual crimes, but those 5% who feel no need to masturbate in all likelyhood have naturally lower testosterone levels which would cause them to be more mellow by nature.

Myth: people would illegalize masturbation
Fact, outlawing sex toys for masturbation and masturbation itself are two VERY VERY different things, and since most people, including politicians masturbate, and want to be able to do so they would never pass laws outlawing masturbation itself. Also no matter what you say it's impossible to tell if someones been masturbating unless tested within about 5 minutes.

At 8/24/06 07:04 PM, teh_God_Father wrote:

At 8/24/06 03:33 PM, liandri wrote: the only way to illegalize masturbation would be to fucking monitor our everyday lives. are you retarded?
4-year-olds masturbate...

you're an idiot

Wow, since when CAN four year olds jack off? And how the hell do you know? Do you watch them? Yeah, I like how you call Carrot an idiot.

I was wondering the same thing... Dude, just, shut up now. You'll only look like an ass after you see that this thread is a complete joke. Everything Carrot says is a joke, I hope O.o, and he is doing it to piss people like you off. It works, it got me a few pages back because I deglected to read the start of the thread and a few posts before mine.

4 year olds are perfectly capable of masturbating to orgasm, the only thing is they can't ejaculate, infact your can have more orgasms if you cannot yet ejaculated, and though most don't discover masturbation until they can ejaculate, some are lucky enough to discover inner bliss sooner.

Just so you know, I did read the forum but was responding to those few conservative retards who haven't noticed.

thats some stupid shit man do u no how many people would be arrested a day like billions

me to 2 times

At 8/27/06 01:16 AM, Inuyashakusho wrote:

Myth: Masturbation is harmless
FACT: Masturbation is linked to hundreds of physiological and psychological disorders.
Myth: The bible says masturbation is okay
FACT: Unrepentant masturbators go to hell.
Myth: nobody masturbates
FACT: Psychopaths do masturbate. Often before, during and after they commit other deviant acts like murder and torture.
Myth: masturbating is a victimless crime
FACT: Everyone who has to interact with a masturbator is a victim, especially the masturbator himself.
Myth: people would illegalize masturbation
FACT: The pro masturbation lobby is doing everything in it's power to keep this psychological holocaust legal.

but A_Carrot, how can i possibly stop, i can't control myself anymore. why didn't you put this up before i started?

masterbation gives u a significantely lower chance of gettin prostate cancer. it saves lives you cant illigalize somthing thats good for you.

At 8/24/06 08:04 PM, A_Carrot_By_Dr_Riot wrote: I'm sure the 150,000 dollar fine would apply mostly to the most deviant forms of masturbation.

I don't even want to know.

At 8/27/06 05:55 AM, Sterockicy wrote: masterbation gives u a significantely lower chance of gettin prostate cancer. it saves lives you cant illigalize somthing thats good for you.

And we should believe you because...

At 8/27/06 02:31 AM, shi_huangdi wrote: but A_Carrot, how can i possibly stop, i can't control myself anymore. why didn't you put this up before i started?

Ask to be saved, and God will help you stop! There are therapists trained to help people with this problem, you can quit, you just have to work at it!
Dr.Carrot, I see the light now, I completely agree with you on this subject :)

For a while I thought this and the "OMFG Masturbation will be illegal" thread were one and the same.

But now I see that this is an issue that is felt very deeply in the guts and glands of the american people, and as such, must be considered a very real issue. The people obviously want this legislation, and since it devides us so starkly, it should be an excellent campaign topic come '08.

Gentlemen, start your petitions!

At 8/28/06 07:19 PM, Ravariel wrote: For a while I thought this and the "OMFG Masturbation will be illegal" thread were one and the same.

But now I see that this is an issue that is felt very deeply in the guts and glands of the american people, and as such, must be considered a very real issue. The people obviously want this legislation, and since it devides us so starkly, it should be an excellent campaign topic come '08.

Gentlemen, start your petitions!

Who ever says masturbation stays legal would automatically win becuase the majority of people like to masturbate. LOL

r u f'n high??!!

I agree, masturbation shold be illegal. My mother says that those who masturbate (also known as, "jerking off", "spanking it", "flogging the dophlin" etc.) are being possesed by the devil Lucifer himself. I once did it and luckily, my parents had the demon exocised out of me by the local priest. The purification sodomy made me realize that it was a bad thing to do. Now I am full of God's Holy Fire! I want all of you to know that you can still be saved if you have done this terrible sin! I will even personally come to your residence to perform the Holy Sacrament of Cleansing with you. Masturbation is the tool of the devil that he uses to lead us away from God's Path! Find the Light brothers and sisters of God. My, mother says that if you keep doing after reading this post you are shaking the Devil's hand each time and the more you do it the HARDER IT IS TO WASH THE SIN OFF! Please stop masturbating, God loves you!

Love and Peace-Ross

umm im jewish.

At 8/29/06 03:41 PM, Blamitality wrote: umm im jewish.

Yea, what about atheists, pagans, jews, and other people who don't view masturbation as immoral. Christianity is not the religion of America. Although the majority are Christian, not everyone is. You can't base governmental decisions off of religious values. Making masturbation illegal would (if it were possible to enforce) suck up too much time for police officers who could be doing things like stopping drunk driving, or saving lives, make lots of people more poor, and increase rape rates due to potential rapists not having any sexual output. It just doesn't work. So stop trying to force your religion onto other people. If you don't want to masturbate, don't, but don't tell us we can't.

That's why it will never happen, and if it does, hell, I'll move to Canada. Not because I would miss masturbation, but because America would have completely ignored the Constitution, and America would proceed to spiral down into a Nazi country knowing they could ignore the Constitution.

By the way, THE THREAD STARTER WAS USING ILLEGALIZING MASTURBATION AS A PARODY ON ALL THE REASONS PEOPLE USE TO SAY MARIJUANA SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. So stop saying "OMFG WI WUD U WANT TAHT? UR GAY11!!", because he obviously doesn't think masturbation should be illegal.

God, people need to learn to read.

At 8/28/06 09:01 PM, RossAwesome wrote: I agree, masturbation shold be illegal. My mother says that those who masturbate (also known as, "jerking off", "spanking it", "flogging the dophlin" etc.) are being possesed by the devil Lucifer himself. I once did it and luckily, my parents had the demon exocised out of me by the local priest. The purification sodomy made me realize that it was a bad thing to do. Now I am full of God's Holy Fire! I want all of you to know that you can still be saved if you have done this terrible sin! I will even personally come to your residence to perform the Holy Sacrament of Cleansing with you. Masturbation is the tool of the devil that he uses to lead us away from God's Path! Find the Light brothers and sisters of God. My, mother says that if you keep doing after reading this post you are shaking the Devil's hand each time and the more you do it the HARDER IT IS TO WASH THE SIN OFF! Please stop masturbating, God loves you!

Love and Peace-Ross

This is such an obvious joke it makes me shake with laughter. xD Purification sodomy? Oh my lord...

It would certainly liven up the campaign in '08 if it was a hot topic. :P But i don't see it as being one, since I have yet to see an actual source for an existing bill in congress, lol.

I have a deal for everyone. Let's pretend this topic never existed, yeah? Everyone agree to that?

wtf,are you like retarded or something, that makes no fucking sence

At 8/29/06 05:23 PM, Blamitality wrote: I have a deal for everyone. Let's pretend this topic never existed, yeah? Everyone agree to that?

no

matrbatin iz gud, u idit, wuts wrng wit u, looser n00b!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111ON
EONEone

At 8/29/06 05:23 PM, Blamitality wrote: I have a deal for everyone. Let's pretend this topic never existed, yeah? Everyone agree to that?

How about... no deal.

Ok then, new deal? How about... ...penis?

Many people who believe masturbation is merely a harmless soft drug, base their conclusion on their knowledge of the masturbation used in the past, not realizing the huge increase in potency of masturbation today. The increased potency clearly invalidates many earlier studies. Supporters of legalizing masturbation, however, are not about to disclose this crucial difference.

actually masturbation, to some people, is actually killing your "children". a priest told me that and i was scared because i thought i did something wrong.....

I saw this post weeks ago, i really cant believe its still up here. Ha.

This thread has been going for years, and people still haven't figured out what it really is. Retards will continue to post here saying "@hhhjhh b371n 1337 meet is awsomzorz!!1!11one!" I am actually wondering how long this will go, for weeks, months, or years. I expect it never to die.

At 8/30/06 10:47 AM, Mulldoon wrote: I saw this post weeks ago, i really cant believe its still up here. Ha.

This is the never-ending discussion on fapping and reefer.
It will be here for many, many years. (knock on wood)

>_> <_<
*fap*