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sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

At 4/25/05 05:42 PM, BigLundi wrote: sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

lol, i like how you said a writer must learn patience and then your quoting above. : )

And if you are referring to COOP's piece, then yesi am done with his, but i am laso done for the day. That took a lot of time to type up etc., and i have a splitting headache (havn't been feeling well all day). If some one doesn't get to yours by tomorrow evening, i will take a look.

I am out for the night though. Sorry.

MANIC, can you get the darkguardians story reviewed - the o nthat BigLundi is speaking of and i will take lex's either later tongith or tomorrow afternoon. It is just they hav e been waiting so long, and my head is pounding too hard to do it right now. Both have been waiting patiently for some time. I would appreciate it if you could.

At 4/25/05 05:55 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/25/05 05:42 PM, BigLundi wrote: sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

lol, i like how you said a writer must learn patience and then your quoting above. : )

yes, well, i thought about that once i wrote it, but thought it might not matter, since it's just a question.

And if you are referring to COOP's piece, then yesi am done with his, but i am laso done for the day. That took a lot of time to type up etc., and i have a splitting headache (havn't been feeling well all day). If some one doesn't get to yours by tomorrow evening, i will take a look.

I am out for the night though. Sorry.

it's alright, i can wait all week if i have to. it's not like i'm going anywhere important.

At 4/25/05 05:29 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/25/05 04:51 PM, Coop83 wrote: The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.

lol! Cricket isn't contact is it?

No, it isn't a cointact sport. I haven't played in a while and it's the muscles which I don't use tightening up after their most active workout in months.

(We lost by the way)

Then it really was not worth it was it?

Don't be so defeatist. I'll be back there, fighting for the win next weekend.

Review hereafter:

Relan sat up on her makeshift bed…

I just had to note that I loved that line. It created a nice image of a shotty straw bed and was almost comedic in a way. It is just amazing wording that gave me a vivid image.

I wasn't even trying to describe it that well. Simple works wonders.

(This is common throughout the universe, as whatever state
someone’s hair is when they go to bed, it will always end up
in an intricate system of knots, resembling Spaghetti Junction
during a rather nasty rush hour accident.)

Wow, with this one, I think it is a little excessive. I think you could have approached this differently. It is almost as if you are demeaning the reader, and the metaphor is somewhat poor to me.

I'll get rid of the Spaghetti Junction part (Busy motorway in Birmingham) but I'll leave the rest.

… posthumously and vociferously.

I happen to think I have a large vocabulary, but I had to grab a dictionary for these ones.

heh, just shows you'll always need a dictionary when I'm about.

… looked about as out of place as a Humming bird studying Particle physics.

Omg! Huh? Sometimes I think you are saying things just to sound smart. I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that a hummingbird would not be studying particle physics, but I think your imagery here is a little outrageous. I don’t find it humorous and I really thin kyou could have come with something more entertaining and relevant that would look out of place.

I was looking for something totally crazy and off the wall. I'd spent time and a lot of money in the oub with some mates discussing 'stupidly pointless' this was the best one we'd come up with.

When they entered, Aldrea jumped up, excitedly, while
Perit stood, leant on his staff and walked slowly over to the desk.

This is a very good comical image. I loved this line.

Well, in the end, Aldrea looks like an excited child and Perit is acting like a feeble old (er) man, just like his master.

Also I found some small typos (nothing huge) so you may want to read it over once to try and catch them.

She sat down, so she could get her senses back.

This line though (shortly after the last) should be taken right out. It kind of killed the mood and it just does not fit in my mind. It really killed the last quote for me and I read the same few paragraphs without that line and I felt it was twice as good without. I would just cut it, though it is up to you.

Yeah, that'll get edited.

“Drink up, cos the next few rounds are cheap…

The word ‘cos should be like this: ’cos.

Italics don't work in quotes, but I get what you mean.

The policing of the anti-explosives laws had become a sticking
point for the city guard some years ago, when it came to
searching Dwarves for any offending articles. It was made a
by-law, three weeks later, that any dwarf who, when watched
for more than 30 seconds, did not explode, was not carrying explosives.)

Omg! Aha, I loved this part. It made me chuckle. It was cleverly written and executed.

Thanks to Terry Pratchett (Discworld) for the inspiration.

“There’s only going to be two men in it… I was providing
shelter for the Half-Orc, Brek. It’s just that I don’t want him
sleeping any closer to me than he has to!”

I liked this bit also. Brings me closer to the characters as real people and less of fantasy-like creatures.

I'm trying to develop them as I write the story. I'd like the reader to try and have the characters in their mind as a close friend, so they can anticipate what's going to happen. That way, I can do something unexpected later on, mwahahahaha!

“May Misratx guide your blade to the hearts of your enemies,
Brother. And may Rec’ymur deliver you safely to your destination.”

I thought this was very creatuve – I am assuming you made it up.

Partially. I got some help from all the 1950s sword and sandal movies like 'Clash of the Titans' and 'Jason and the Argonauts'

Meanwhile, across town, the author launched a sinister plot device.

The author? Is that Renil? I did not quite understand this line.

No, the author is me. You're thinking too hard on this one. I'm trying to get a Shakespeare-esque narrative going, where there is one narrative for everyone and then a second narrative, for anyone who's bothered really. (He did the second for the poor, who had to stand up in the front.)

These clothes were all a shade of shadow.

Everything before this line was great, but the word ‘shade’ and then ‘shadow’ doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe it could be worded differently.

I wasn't really sure about that myself.

The man led his intruder / employee through…

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

I'll change it, but I'm not quite sure how.

“Even the most powerful of mages must resort to little spells,
should the occasion call for it.” We shall not overlook her, just in case.”

I was confused as to what was going on with the quotations here. Mistake?

Pure and simple typo.

At 4/25/05 05:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Part 2 of my review COOP:

Part 2 of my response, Myst Williams.

“I mean for you to kill him and save me my two
thousand Kronep. Do you understand?”

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

Sometimes, it's better to spell the plot out. Placing a suitably dumb character is easy enough.

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

Just another name, but if it gets a laugh, I'll take the credit.

There, you will find a merchant, who goes by the name of Vlart Langstrom.

I loved this. Finally! some significant plot development that I can see being achieved. All these questions arrive to me now (don’t actually answer them)… what is going on? Who is he working for? Why is h working for him? Is it like an insurance type thing? A scandal to screw whom? OMG! Excited to find out.

Well, this is all because...

I also wanted to note that I had to look up about 2 or 3 words since the first page, which is a pain in the ass for a reader. And I read quite frequently, so this is odd for me; maybe an overuse of the thesaurus? Or maybe you should lower your diction n your writing for a more general public?

I'll look into that.

It was he who spoke.

This line is placed oddly making me think one person is about to speak when another in fact does. It should be revised and moved or cut.

I can see more editing for me.

looked up at his student quizzically

You forgot a period at the end here is all, but it was hard not to miss and point out.

Thanks for that. I even missed it in proof reading.

… but it thinly disguised a deep pit of disgust underneath it.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

I'm trying to psycho-analyse the reader without knowing anything about them at all.

With a tear in her eye…

This was actually quite moving. It made me feel as if they had a connection that Corasset did not actually see or feel emotionally attached to. Although, the next paragraph may have went a bit too extreme and ruined the mood for me.

I'll check that out. Expect better in the second draft.

“I thought that Falco columbarius looks much more fetching than Corvus corvax.”

Huh? Another confusing part.

Falco Columbaris, the Merlin. (What Corasset's familiar flew in as) Corvus Corvax, the Common Raven. (What Corasset's Familar actually was) hope that cleared it up. I was hoping to convince my readers to search and find that out for themselves.

The ending was sick. Corasset is gon’na be in on the fighting? Partners? Attack? Intrigue! OMG! (Don’t actually answer these questions… I want to be surprised.)

You tend to use your brackets oddly, starting anew sentence, which I am nearly certain is grammatically incorrect. It is very confusing at times and leaves me a little dumbfounded and even insulted at times (as if you are talking down to the reader – like that one part I mentioned).

Thanks for that, as always, I'll look into it.

Overall, it is amazing, like OMG! Amazing. lol. There are many great written parts and the bulk of it is written well, but nothing outstandingly shocking yet as for writing. As for plot, I am not even a fan of LOTR or anything so much, but I love this tale and am so intrigued to read on. In end, it is a great piece that I love, but has its little problems that are kind of an annoyance.

I hope this review does help some and if you have any specific question it would be made easier for me to point out flaws that you may have been unsure of. Great job as always!

Thanks for the review, Myst. This really helps me out and I'll get the second draft to you when I'm done. You can give that a going over if you like then, how does that sound?

This is my cheap reply. Instead of commenting on everything, I commented on what seemed more important or what intrigued my interest.

At 4/26/05 05:55 AM, Coop83 wrote:

At 4/25/05 05:29 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

I was looking for something totally crazy and off the wall. I'd spent time and a lot of money in the oub with some mates discussing 'stupidly pointless' this was the best one we'd come up with.

Well, off the wall it was, but not crazy – more… too sane

Thanks to Terry Pratchett (Discworld) for the inspiration.

Aha, fair enough.

I'm trying to develop them as I write the story. I'd like the reader to try and have the characters in their mind as a close friend, so they can anticipate what's going to happen. That way, I can do something unexpected later on, mwahahahaha!

Lol! Well it is working, I must say.

No, the author is me. You're thinking too hard on this one. I'm trying to get a Shakespeare-esque narrative going, where there is one narrative for everyone and then a second narrative, for anyone who's bothered really. (He did the second for the poor, who had to stand up in the front.)

Well, in the first part I remember this odd narrative and it worked well (around the part of the roof jumping), but this time it just caught me for a loop and the narrator spoke of himself in third person – an almost reluctant voice to the reader. It threw me for a loop.

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

I'll change it, but I'm not quite sure how.

Well, I would not go back and change every living thing, but it is a good habit to create more complex sentences whenever you can because eventually it becomes habit and conforms to your normal way of writing.

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

Sometimes, it's better to spell the plot out. Placing a suitably dumb character is easy enough.

I couldn’t agree more. : )

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

Just another name, but if it gets a laugh, I'll take the credit.

Well, it seemed to me that it was not only a play-on-words, but also an ironic twist, seeing as he was the butler.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

I'm trying to psycho-analyse the reader without knowing anything about them at all.

Lol! You know what I meant though. : )

Thanks for the review, Myst. This really helps me out and I'll get the second draft to you when I'm done. You can give that a going over if you like then, how does that sound?

Sounds great! It was another great read! I loved it.

At 4/26/05 03:42 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Well, in the first part I remember this odd narrative and it worked well (around the part of the roof jumping), but this time it just caught me for a loop and the narrator spoke of himself in third person – an almost reluctant voice to the reader. It threw me for a loop.

This all stemmed from a session of Monty Python (ask Nephthys, she's the world's leading expert) and yet more drinking. We developed a game, where we had to talk in the 'xth' person. Someone said something and the person they looked at had to say 'Said Jim, with a malicious look in his eye.' for example. I tried to encorporate this into the style. I love drinking with games involved.

Well, it seemed to me that it was not only a play-on-words, but also an ironic twist, seeing as he was the butler.

Billingsworth would have been a better name for a taxman, or a waiter, but I thought it worked. I didn't even intend the pun, but thanks for noticing.

New Poemz0r. sorry for not posting in a while. Real life stuff got int he way kinda.

Untitled

Cursed be my fate
That I should love you.
Lo, I kneel before you,
And yet you pause.
A feline daintily
Licking blood from her claws.

Perhaps unveiled may avail
The better outcome.
Yet how come silent
Whisperings, no screamings
Pass you by
When uncouth badgerings will suffice.

A more elegant court I'd have
I don't want to feed the bull
I'll suckle the calf.
What's your poison my love?
Idle flirts or sweet doves
Floating 'cross the welkin's face.

Dear be reasonable, no, sound,
In a decision, for time winds down.
Shall it be your courtly lover?
Or a boisterous other,
Who would defile my love,
My sweet fair love?

At 4/25/05 05:58 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: MANIC, can you get the darkguardians story reviewed - the o nthat BigLundi is speaking of

If it hasn't bene done by tomorow I will. Ive just typed up three essays for school and I'm mentally exhausted. Incidentally if you don't see me aorund as much its cause I'm working my ass off for exams. So yeah I'll try and pop in when i can but I won't be aorund as often for a while :-)

At 4/27/05 04:54 PM, -Manic- wrote: If it hasn't bene done by tomorow I will. Ive just typed up three essays for school and I'm mentally exhausted. Incidentally if you don't see me aorund as much its cause I'm working my ass off for exams. So yeah I'll try and pop in when i can but I won't be aorund as often for a while :-)

Dido on the not being around as much as i'd like to. I am going to try and post here once a day, but that may be pushing it. The year is nearly done and i need to keep up my marks or i will lose my acceptance to university. I think after May is done, i will be back fully and with lots of new lit to post.

Also, i do not have time right now to review, but i have a day off Friday... so tomorrow night i should have ample time to review considering ican sleep in Friday and have not made any plans.

I got to jet for now... so as it stands... i will do lex and Manic will take the other... if you don't manic... i will, it is no problem. I can see you may be stressing a little and school is pretty important nowadays. No education = shitty job (unless you work for yoursefl, then who knows).

Hi, I'm Dave from www.Jacksmack.com. I'm looking for ideas for new cartoons. I posted this under general boards but was told to try here too... so I'm sorry for double posting but I'm thinking this might get some more exposure here.

I'm wanting to make a cartoon series in the vein of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Sea Lab 2021.

I don't want to rip them off but I want to make cartoons based on that formula... oddball cartoons. 5-7 min to start out. Perhaps longer as things go along.

I don't expect to sell the cartoon ideas or anything I just want to make some cartoons so I can put them up on Newgrounds and put them in my portfolio. This is not to say that if there is an act of God and the cartoon sells that I will stiff anyone. You will see money. But don't count on it.

I am a professional Flash artist with a degree in computer animation... So I put effort into my work. But I'm not a writer... so if you can help me your ideas will be done well.

I'm looking for something really off the wall that hasn't been seen before. If you want to give it a shot you can either reply here... or you can email me at
Jack@jacksmack.com

You will be given credit in the cartoon and when it is submitted to Newgrounds.

At 4/28/05 11:25 AM, JackSmack wrote: Hi, I'm Dave from www.Jacksmack.com. I'm looking for ideas for new cartoons. I posted this under general boards but was told to try here too... so I'm sorry for double posting but I'm thinking this might get some more exposure here.

Welcome to the club.

I'm wanting to make a cartoon series in the vein of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Sea Lab 2021.

Sounds interesting.

I am a professional Flash artist with a degree in computer animation... So I put effort into my work. But I'm not a writer... so if you can help me your ideas will be done well.

Wow, you sound very talented.

I'm looking for something really off the wall that hasn't been seen before. If you want to give it a shot you can either reply here... or you can email me at
Jack@jacksmack.com

I think MANIC might be the best for whacky off the wall kind of writing, but I will look into it also. I will run a quick research on the cartoons you specified, maybe MANIC will pop in soon and throw some ideas at you as well. He is quite funny and talented in that regard.

*****************************************

TO THOSE AWAITING A REVIEW:

I am getting to it tonight. I have the night off until 9:30 (then im going out) so that gives me lost of time to get to any awaiting reviews. I am just going to look up these comics quickly and come back and review.

Hey Jeff saw your site and I think its really cool. I could give you a few ideas becuase I'm not a good flash artist but I want to see soemthing of mine made. ^_^ I sent you an email asking how many people have sent in work to you so I can get a feel for it and hopefully do better on mine.
Email me back so I can bounce some story ideas off you.

Writer's guild.= Writer

At 4/23/05 04:43 PM, lex117 wrote: April 23. Bored. Seems like the only thing that is saving me from a meltdown is my keyboard, the monitor and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers music blasting through my headphones.

An interesting start that caught my attention. Good intro.

Ever since I have come to Bulgaria i have lost that point of reference i used to follow in life. Although Sofia is massive, it is locked in itself. Nothing like Skopje, nothing like the life i used to live. Strange how good memories can hurt so much. Strange how every morning you wake up with the same fear and hope wrapped in one package, how you wish that Sofia will become a friendlier city, how you hope that you will get used to it all, and yet how you are afraid of losing Skopje, losing the memories of its dreams and nightmares, exchanging it for other glitz in Bulgaria.

I thought that maybe making this part a little more confusing would make it wuite interesting. Almost referring to the two cities as woman or loves. Referring to the cities as 'her' because Sofia could ver well be a womans name and it seems that you had a fond love for where you grew up while this new intriguing city can be dissapointing. Just an interesting idea that could play with the reader's mind. It is softly written though, kind and gentle, evnen though somwhat depressing. It reminded me of a doctor who is desperately trying to tell that bad news to a family member as gently as possible.

Stranger still, how a person who gave up writing a long, long time ago can revert to it in a state of melancholy, posting it on a forum for everyone to read. Maybe that is part of the magic of releasing your emotions to other people which gives you a sense of relief. No. Nonsense. The music is just providing me with a complex state of inspiration. Still nonsense, i guess you have to learn how to give up on things sometimes. I guess you have to at least try to learn, or else things like these will drag you down like a lead weight underwater.

The connection from the line above and the next lines amazing. It flows very well here and expresses quite a bit of emotion in such a short time.

Then you drown in a see of emotions so deep, that you cannot resurrect yourself from them. You need another person to do that; a person i found both in Macedonia and Moldova, and were that person to somewhow, god forebid, dissappear, then there would be another number of more or less efficient replacements.

It is hard for me to follow something because i do not know these cities or names, maybe generalizing would help it become a piece for a broader audience.

A person i have failed to find in Bulgaria. A person that i dont want to find in Bulgaira. Because finding one would mean that i would bring in another point of reference. And i can handle, one, maybe two lives, two points, but a third one would break me. Three lives is too much for anyone to handle. I have become quite a pessimist when coming to Bulgaria. Strange, i always considered myself as quite the dreamer and the optimist in Macedonia.

Another great connection. I feel as if you are so desperately trying to convey to me something dear to you, but gently, in hopes not to shock or upset me. I know that that is not what you are really trying to do, but the words and emotions are so dearly desperate in many ways. I am enjoying this free-write.

God, only now do i realize how gilded my life was in Skopje, only now when my gold alchemically reversed to base metal. Although the pure human nature is to blame for that, nothing else. Isn't regret the next logical step after realization in the human nature? Yes, both fourtunately and unfourtunately, yes. Soon my watch will ring twelve, and soon all those feelings filling me up will not matter, they will dissappear with the dawn of hope, with that same little spark i have been getting for some months now, but as it is the case since i moved to Bulgaria, there will be exactly nothing there to keep this spark going....

Great way to sum it up.

It is a great free-write. And a free-write it is. It is vague and very perceptive, but somewhat directionless and misleading. And for some reason i find that these negative characterisitcs seem to add a that negative spin to the nature of the writing, but make a positive - and by validity, not nature - piece of lit outof it. I enjoyed it. I wish it was not so specific to city, unless of course it had the spin of women or city to it... that would also add intrigue. Its emotions are quite strong and it has is gems, but it is only a free-write.

Great job! It is a beautifully written free-write.

BigLundi, what page and what post am i looking for? I am not sure which story has not been reviewed yet and that you have been waiting for?

Sorry, but I will check in later hoping that you point out which one i am to review.

it's page 89 the last two posts.

srry for the double post, but the two before the last. the last one really doesn't matter, BL has been banned for a time, so i'm posting in replace of him. but he might be the one answering to your criticism, since he made the story, i just posted it.

(>double-post<)

Myst, thanks a lot for your review! Yes, i know it is a free write, and that i have been TOO specific with the countries, but this was originally posted on a Macedonian forum, my old school's forum actually, where everybody knew me, and I thought it would just make more sense to them if got into specifics a bit. Again, thank you very much for taking the time to make this detailed review, cheers!

At 4/28/05 05:18 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: I think MANIC might be the best for whacky off the wall kind of writing, but I will look into it also. I will run a quick research on the cartoons you specified, maybe MANIC will pop in soon and throw some ideas at you as well. He is quite funny and talented in that regard.

Moi? Oh Myst you flatter me <bats eyeslashes>

But yeah I'll drop him an email with some character ideas and plots etc.

At 4/11/05 03:11 PM, Arch_Angel_Rhys wrote: hope this lives up to the first chapter...

Here we go:

Chapter 2.

Nice title.. heh. : )

Walking home took about three hours though he had no other choice. The vagabonds had destroyed cesearion’s car. Walking through the door into the block of flats warm air greeted him.

Invert sentences that is not inverted. You need to make sure you add proper punctuation.

No one appeared to be there. Which was good. What would be the point in wasting time talking to people? Walking through the decorated corridor rain water dripped onto the perfect marble flooring.

Awkward. '...rain water dripped onto the perfect marble floor'

It gives a good image, but i would consider re-writing it differently.

Coming to the old style mesh elevator cesearion rubbed his eyes. Fourth floor.

I like the range of short, simple senteces to the longer, inverted sentences - just watch grammar throughout the piece.

The familiar uneasiness came as the elevator ascended and soon the ping which brought the arrival of the fourth floor came.

Awkward again, and too 'copular'... maybe: A familiar uneasiness was felt as the elevator ascended, and soon the ping brought the arrival of the fourth floor.

Or something to that extent. Try to eliminate copular verbs as much as possible and make more complete, less awkward sentences.

Stepping into the corridor a flash of lightning came at the window. What was going on? Everything seemed to be going bad since he started looking for god.

Two thing:
1) '...cam at the window...' = awkward
2) '...going bad...' = re-word, too pedestrian

Suppose god didn’t want to be found. The thought brought a smile upon cesearion’s face. Fishing through his pockets he produced a key. Putting it into the lock he turned it and stepped into his apartment. Home. Or at least it would be for the week until he was going to die.

I like this bit. It gave me some great imagery. Just again, use punctaution when you can. Most people use punctuation wrong, you seem to opt not to use it. : )

As he sat down he thought. Maybe he could earn his way into heaven. Not believing in god cesearion was desperate. What would he do? A singular deed of great self sacrifice and selflessness should seal his fate. Shaking his half empty glass of whiskey around in his hand cesearion had a thought.

All very good except the word 'Shaking...' might work better with the word 'Swirling'...

Not many dying atheists have thoughts except death. The next place to search would be the church. Surely an ambassador of god could help him? Stepping out of his apartment cesearion began walking. Upon arriving at the gates of god he hesitated to step inside. Almost as if it was pushing him away. Screw it. He left for his apartment. The night was dark and the rain was on tap.

Some good imagery and pleaseant writing.

“Get the fuck off me!” cesearion heard screams from an alleyway. Walking down the dark way he saw a man with a knife trying to rape a young blonde lady. Clenching his fist the rage took over. Cesearion ran at the assailant and dragged him off the young frightened lady.
“what the…?” the attacker didn’t know what was going on. Cesearion swung and seemingly broke the man’s nose. Hitting him in a violent anger his hands became sodden with blood until the attacker didn’t move anymore. He was dead. Stepping off him cesearion went to comfort the woman.

I would re-read all this. I like the action, aura and tempo. I also like the imagery, but i would read it aloud and see where there may be some flaws. The word 'seemingly' might be good to cut out and such... this part just lacks confidence in your writing.

“get the fuck away from me!” collecting her bag the young lady ran. Hmph. So much for my hero. Cesearion picked up his fags and left.

It is a decent piece of writing that needs some revision and editing, but has potential. I enjoyed the read, but take your time and keep practicing. Doing a lot of free-writes when you have nothing to do will really help you figure out how to use your punctuation properly. Other than that, you errors are minimal and do not take away from the read - which is good.

Great job! Looks like it only needs a slight cleanup.

At 4/29/05 01:03 PM, -Manic- wrote: Moi? Oh Myst you flatter me <bats eyeslashes>

Don't tease...

But yeah I'll drop him an email with some character ideas and plots etc.

Cool cool. Hope it works out for ya. If i come up with anything i will fill ya in and try and help you out. Comedic writing is not a major strength for me though.

Hey, guys. Sorry I've been inactive for a few days. I might still be, but I'll try to drop in more.

didn't somebody say they were gonna get to thedarkguardian's story a while back?

At 4/29/05 09:34 PM, WithoutCease wrote: Hey, guys. Sorry I've been inactive for a few days. I might still be, but I'll try to drop in more.

I hope you do. Thanks for dropping in. : )

At 4/29/05 09:49 PM, BigLundi wrote: didn't somebody say they were gonna get to thedarkguardian's story a while back?

Isn't that the one i did above? I swear i just did it. Or did i do the wrong one. I went to the page i was told to go to.

At 4/29/05 10:02 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

Isn't that the one i did above? I swear i just did it. Or did i do the wrong one. I went to the page i was told to go to.

hahaha, no, page 89, next to last posts and the one before that.

Hi guys I was wondering if anyone here would be interested in helping with a few scripts for a cartoon series I'm working on.

It's called SpacePort 2090

Here is a link to the premise page... http://www.jacksmack.com/demos/spaceport2090.html

here's hoping someone with a flare for comedy can help me out.

At 4/15/05 07:54 PM, thedarkguardian wrote:

If you are a dialogue person, maybe you should try writing som scripts. : )

Split Up, The Man Called Havik

“Well, it appears that we can’t go out through the front door, goblins everywhere,” Said Carathorn as he looked out the window.
“Well then, we go through the back,” shrugged Kaniis, his beard bouncing as he looked around for options.

lol! comedic image of the beard. Stiff beard...

“This large group will be spotted no matter how we leave,” Stated Brum, “I’ll gladly fend off the goblins while you make your escape, I’ll give my life for the noble cause.”

Cliché... but maybe relevent to your character. We will see.

“And let you have all the fun? Like I’m going to let that happen,” smirked Kitiana, he curls bouncing as she flew by Brum’s side, sword in hand.

Awkward. Re-read aloud, i think you typed something up wrong.

The door burst open and the goblins poured in like a see of green seaweed, their ugly faces reflecting the murder they constantly saw in their eyes.

'See' should be 'Sea'... and '.. the murder they constantly...' is awkward maybe try something like: '..the murder that was contantly seen in their eyes.'

Each goblin had a pointed nose, were no taller than Fireforge or Bus, and carried a small, curved sword with a dagger on their right side, each wanting to kill the next thing they saw, even if it was another goblin.
“GO! Before these little devils make it past us!” shouted Brum as he slashed off a goblin’s head. The other companions realized they couldn’t beat all the goblins, so they wished Kitiana and Brum luck and ran through the door, Carathorn carrying his brother to keep up with everyone else.
Kitiana and Brum realized that they most likely weren’t going to meet up with their friends again at this point. But they really didn’t have too much of a choice. The two managed to kill about twenty goblins, but they got tired, and the goblins seemed endless.
“Well, not the most fitting death, but solath muth jadar-my honor is my life,” said Brum as he collapsed to his knees.
Kitiana was about to reply when a man jumped in front of both of them. “Finally, a bit of fun!” he shouted.

Watch fro grammatical mistakes. You make some minor comma splices here and there.

“Shouldn’t we try and help?” asked Bus, looking back at the inn.
“Oh no! Tikaylan is still in there!” shouted Carathorn as he looked back.
Suddenly they all heard a gruff, deep voice shout “Finally, a bit of fun!”
“What was that?” asked Fireforge, pulling Bus along with them. Suddenly, he stopped too “Oh no, I just remembered you said we were going on a boat,” he said with a shiver.
“Kaniis, don’t you remember what happened last time Fireforge was on a boat? I nearly drowned him!” Carathorn said.

It gets a little confusing. I do not know who is who, and the conversation seems a little irreleven at times. I guess i would have to read the first two chapters to understand what is going on.

“Well then drag him on the boat along with Bus and your brother, we don’t have time to argue!” he shouted back, not even glancing at anyone except the barbarians. They had been quiet for a while, a little too quiet. He asked them earlier why they were quiet and the tall one answered by growling at him. I guess it’s the racist minds of the barbarians at work Kaniis thought to himself.

Kind of pedestrian writing throughout. Try using more complex sentences.

“Finally, a bit of fun!” shouted a voice from the inn. Raistlor froze in his brother’s grip.
“That voice!” he hissed loudly. He made Carathorn nearly drop him Raistlor scared him so much.

Awkward.

“What do you mean?” asked Carathorn, still running toward the boat.
“You wouldn’t understand if I were to tell you. But I do know who that person who just shouted is, I noticed him earlier watching us,” said Raistlor looking back at the inn. “And if that guy is helping Brum and our sister, then they will most assuredly beat, or at the very least, scare off all the goblins.”
“Wow, that powerful?”
“Yes, now get moving, you stopped running.”
Carathorn shook the thoughts of what such a powerful man might look like out of his head and continued toward the boat, even the plender and Fireforge was ahead of him.

I kind of liked this part. Some good imagery and mystery. Intrigue is always a good way to get a reader to carry on.

Shortly after the weird, loud man entered battle, the goblins all changed from looks of rage to that of fear. After the man pulled out a wooden staff, he began to whack each goblin in the side of the head. Each one must have flew 20 feet through the air and smacked into the walls.

Kind of childish (the imagery of the fighting) - smacking on the side of the head. I would be more descriptive and come with something more powerful and exciting.

hold on, i couldn't fit it all.

Okay... i will go and check the rest now. So far, it is decent writing, and seems like a decent story, but as much as your dialogue might be good, you need to balance it with some better imagery and desciptors. Your grammar is sometimes weak and could some editing, and your sentences are kind of simple at times.

It good, but not great and it nees some revision.

Now, to carry on!

Ignore any spelling mistakes or anything by me, i am kind of in a rush... i got an essay to write. : )

At 4/15/05 07:57 PM, thedarkguardian wrote: “Come on! Come on! Don’t run! I’m just getting warmed up!” shouted the man as he began to chase after the goblins. In the distance, the man saw Raistlor, as did Kitiana and Brum.

I wish he wasn't so straight forwad. A man of mystery he should remain... for now.

“Oh darn it! A mage! I wanted these goblins and now he’s gonna take all the fun!” he shouted. Raistlor moved his hands toward the goblins, and they all fell down in a heap of sleeping bodies. “The least you can do is kill them instead of put them to sleep!” the man shouted. But if Raistlor heard, he didn’t show it, he just left with the other companions upon seeing that more goblins were coming.

Some good imagery here.

“Well duh, it’s not like one of you Knights to point out the obvious. You aren’t officially a Knight of Solomriac are you?” asked the man.

For such a big powerfulguy, he is kind of childish. Did they say 'duh' back then? For sure, i guess we can not say, but i will assume that duh is a calloquolism of today's day and age.

“Before we tell you anything about us, who are you?” asked Kitiana, a gleam in her eyes.
“Well is that how I get treated after I save you guys’ lives? You cast suspicion on me?” Kitiana was about to apologize, but he stopped her. “Whatever, my name is Havik, what are yours?” he asked.

And 'whatever' too...

“I am Kitiana, and this is Brum Brightblade, no, he isn’t a Knight yet, as you guessed. But he does have the beard of a Knight.” She answered. She was asking why the man’s name was odd and why she found it hard to pronounce it without shuddering.
Havik was a sight to look at. He had dark, just about pure black hair that flowed around his head perfectly, his eyes looked like an elf’s and so did his ears. But his build was more human, though he looked as strong as an ogre, but he had the mysterious aura a magic user about him.

Some decent imagery... and i think you forgot the word 'of' near the end there.

Suddenly, Kitiana knew why she had a hard time believing Havik was the man’s real name. “Can I get a better look at you for a second?” she moved closer to the man and reached out her hand, “Your eyes are elven, your ears as well, and your hair…” she slowly described the odd, yet attractive traits he had as she neared him. Suddenly she grabbed the back of the man’s collar and put a knife to his throat. “Alright, now, what’s your real name, and why did you lie like that?”

Some more intrigue... good!

Despite his current state, Havik smiled and even let out a little giggle “Whatever do you mean?” he asked sincerely.

See, he can speak but still be mystereous, but his childish personality from above makes me think less of him now that this good line comes about.

The two were standing in the middle of the Inn with the barkeeper and Brum staring at them. Had it been any other man, Kitiana would have killed him on the spot for keeping the lie up this long. But something about this guy made her unable to go through with the kill, so she kept talking. “I have heard stories, unbelievable stories about a “Havik”. And those stories were from many, many years ago since before I was born. But you look my age, plus, Havik couldn’t have really existed, he’s too strong, and I got a hold of you so easily. Now answer me! Who are you?” she shouted, nearly begging to hear the answer, even though she partially knew the answer already.

A little outright. Is the dialogue authentic? It is hard to say.

“Put that thing down for one, you’re being very disrespectful,” he said, putting his hand on the dagger and slowly pushing it from his neck. Then he peeled off Kitiana’s hand from his collar and brushed himself off before answering. “Just like you, Kitiana…suspicious at any men not held in awe at your beauty, and you Brum, you’re supposed to keep order, in yet you don’t even stop her from threatening my life. You have a long way to go before you become a Knight.” Kitiana backed off and Brum’s beard dropped with his mouth as he was about to say something, but thought better of it. “As for my real name, I am Havik, and I know that you know I’m telling the truth. Now sit down, drink some wine while I cool off and shut up.”

Is 'shut up' a phrase of that time? It seems that all you characters speak appropriately to the time except Havik. I would revise this character and make him more authentic and mystereous.

there's the rest of that chapter, what do you think so far? i really need help on places where i can be more detailed.

Anytime you are desciribing a scene, image or something or someone, be more descitptive. Think about embedding an image in my mind. Think about showing and not telling. If you tell, then you are making the decision for me, but if you show, then i am making the image myself which gets me involved and make the image for vivid. If you are confused to what i mean about Show and Tell, then look it up on the internet as a literary concept. If you can't find anything, com back and i will prepare a short essay on it to describe what i mean.

(>Double-Post<)

i hate it when i'm trying to post a story, and i get a double-post mark here. just because i mention the same characters several times.

You would get it anyway, even if your post was entirely different. You have to wait a few.

Anyway, it is decent, but it needs to be revised. Good work. I hope my review helped... and was worth waiting for. : P

I can't believe i did the wrong one last time. What i waste... lol. : P

Semi-new poem...

One, Not Both

Here we now are – turn up the lights.
It’s the fight you cannot avoid,
Because that dream is in your sights,
And you stop the soul from being destroyed.

And all the world is changing to void,
And that will you are finding in your hearts
Is that gift you thought would make things right,
And then fighter and soul begin; it starts.
Turn up the meter – its time to depart.