At 4/21/05 04:44 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Oh, well i printed it off yesterday again, because i could not find my old print off. So tomorrow's bus ride to school would be the time I will read it. Did i not give a review before? Maybe not, i was quite busy for a while there. I will write down any thoughts in the margin then and post them here late friday or early saturday (depending, my buddies are having a party either friday or saturday night for me [i am not sure; it is kind of a prtial surprise] - its my birthday tomorrow).
You gave me a review, apologised for it being 'substandard' and said that after exam time, you would write a more full-detailed number for me. I don't recall seeing one, but it might just be me.
At 4/21/05 04:55 PM, Coop83 wrote: You gave me a review, apologised for it being 'substandard' and said that after exam time, you would write a more full-detailed number for me. I don't recall seeing one, but it might just be me.
Ahh, shit, yes, i do recall. I need a day planner or something because i always intend on doing things, but forget to do them. I not in fact do that second review yet, and i apologize for forgetting i made such a promise. That i will certainly do *writes down and sticks post-it to the side of the monitor*... : )
Before i go to university i need to get dayplanner, because forgetting shit then would really, really suck.
At 4/21/05 05:48 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Ahh, shit, yes, i do recall. I need a day planner or something because i always intend on doing things, but forget to do them. I not in fact do that second review yet, and i apologize for forgetting i made such a promise. That i will certainly do *writes down and sticks post-it to the side of the monitor*... : )
Do what Joey and Chandler do in Friends. Get a magnetic note board and stick it to the door. Instant reminders.
At 4/22/05 05:20 AM, Coop83 wrote: Do what Joey and Chandler do in Friends. Get a magnetic note board and stick it to the door. Instant reminders.
Heh, sounds like an idea worth trying. I can be very disorganized when it comes to life, but i am the exact opposite about my writing. : P
At 4/22/05 03:35 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Heh, sounds like an idea worth trying. I can be very disorganized when it comes to life, but i am the exact opposite about my writing. : P
Yeah, you're WAY more organised than me.
At 4/22/05 03:45 PM, Coop83 wrote:At 4/22/05 03:35 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Heh, sounds like an idea worth trying. I can be very disorganized when it comes to life, but i am the exact opposite about my writing. : PYeah, you're WAY more organised than me.
I find it wierd that you spell organized with an 's' instead of a 'z' like americans do, i figured you brits would use the same spelling as us canadians. I notice stupid little things all the time.
Someone guess what day it is before i cry from having no NG friends... : )
At 4/22/05 04:01 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: I find it wierd that you spell organized with an 's' instead of a 'z' like americans do, i figured you brits would use the same spelling as us canadians. I notice stupid little things all the time.
No, that's just a good, old fashioned spelling error. I should spell it organized, I just checked in the dictionary.
Someone guess what day it is before i cry from having no NG friends... : )
Is it your Birthday?
At 4/22/05 05:13 PM, Coop83 wrote: No, that's just a good, old fashioned spelling error. I should spell it organized, I just checked in the dictionary.
Oh, okay. Well anyways, in the U.S.A they spell it with an 's'. : )
Is it your Birthday?
Yes! No NG members have wished me a happy birthday... *sniff*... not even in the LUL. : P
At 4/22/05 05:15 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Yes! No NG members have wished me a happy birthday... *sniff*... not even in the LUL. : P
Poor myst :P well happy Bday anywya mate :P Hope ya have a good one.
At 4/22/05 05:54 PM, -Manic- wrote: Poor myst :P well happy Bday anywya mate :P Hope ya have a good one.
Thanks! Even though it is today, i am not really celebrating it until tomorrow. My buddies are throwing a mini party for me (only about 10 or so of us) and we will probably have a big poker tourny etc. Should be some fun shit.
This took about a half an hour to type up. It is not too long, and has no plot. It is just a setting descritption that I had to do for an english class. You may recognize some of it from 'A Hero's Death' because I in fact wrote this piece from the same notes I used for that piece. It was fun to try and do all 'showing' and little to no 'telling'. : ) Hope you like. Please comment. It was more for fun and experience than a serious piece of lit. A free-write if you will.
The Colour of Fire is a Fervent Presence
The mundane suit the man wore spread itself upon the isle floor as he knelt before the altar. With his fingers close to his chin, he held his hands in prayer. His tight grip was around a black-beaded rosary that tumbled and weaved throughout his fingers. His face hung towards the ground in silence.
The high cathedral ceiling was enchanted with hues of gold, and the detailed enlightened stonework was of gasping beauty. The round dome in the ceiling was painted with angels and a nursing Mary who looked down upon the floor far beneath her. The building was shaped like a crucifix. The long vertical part of the cross began with five large front doors and ended with the altar; all along the way were hand carved antique pews. The subtle and warn odour of a rich mahogany crossed the room with a cool breeze that never failed to travel.
Along the immediate walls, to the left and to the right of the rows of pews, laid large and high stain glass windows that were shaped similar to a sword’s end. Each window along the two walls was presented according to the fourteen Stations of the Cross. Though beyond the altar there stood two more windows, even larger than the others, which did not follow this pattern. In between these two windows stood a large crucifix with a man of stone who hung weak like a feather. His head hung low, and the perception of blood journeyed down his face and neck. Bolted to the cross, his arms were spread wide. The two windows shone brightly for they faced west and the sun was falling at the touch of dusk. The light was bright and heavenly of yellows and oranges in hue. The window to the left of the worshipped messiah was a stern St. Peter with one hand raised high in blessing, and the other holding the key to heaven’s gates. The window to the right that looked upon the altar was an image of Jesus who stood blessing four young children, one of which cradled in his arms.
Aside from the bright streaks of natural light that pierced through the stained glass windows, the church was dim. The glazed wood of the pews was dark, the entrance was sinking in the night, and the carpeted isle began to grow a shadow of a man in prayer. Though, aside from this darkness, light continued to grasp small pockets throughout the large room. In the far corner, to the right of the altar, many thick candles rested, but they flickered hard for those souls in need.
The only man in the room sat quiet without motion, blending into the atmosphere of the place for prayer. Even though the man sat without movement, a light echo, of the breeze, or maybe of the man’s whispers, rippled throughout the room. The church gasped its final prayer as the sun traveled below the horizon and the room slowly washed over in an eclipse of darkness. The candles to the right radiated the bright colours of fire and pulsated in the new night.
The stonewalls, though cold and enclosing, were strong and protecting. The church was old, but was a gorgeous sight, for many days and months of work were put into every aspect of art in, and upon, this architectural landmark. That one place of peace was a strong wall in itself protecting the many people of faith who once stood weak before temptation.
Motionless stood the church forever.
i don't believe thedarkguardian's story has been critiqued yet, not to rush you understand. but we are jointly working on that story and would like your opinions.
At 4/22/05 05:15 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Yes! No NG members have wished me a happy birthday... *sniff*... not even in the LUL. : P
I sent you an E-Mail at 1 in the fucking morning so don't say that shit.
P
At 4/22/05 10:33 PM, BigLundi wrote: i don't believe thedarkguardian's story has been critiqued yet, not to rush you understand. but we are jointly working on that story and would like your opinions.
I have two people awaiting reveiws from me ahead of you, so i might be able to get to it during next week if someone does not beat me to it. However, as of now, i got two long chapters to read for two different people and i promised them both a while back.
Hopefully someone else will get to it before me.
At 4/23/05 01:28 AM, WithoutCease wrote: I sent you an E-Mail at 1 in the fucking morning so don't say that shit.
Ya, i did not see that email until after i made that post. I replied to the email. Thanks again.
Now everyone has wished me b-day... i am no longer e-sad. : )
Alkador's Story - The Tales of Alkador
Well, I will start with the negatives and end with the positives.
You have a weak grammatical structure. I did not go ahead and edit this, but I can say that just from reading it as reader and not an editor, I caught a lot of mistakes mentally. A reader should never be able to point out more than four or five flaws in a novel let alone the amount I pulled from one chapter. The major problems were comma splices and sentence fragments. I will give you an example of both, but I am not going to go through them all.
Comma Splice:
His near white lips were equal in size as smiled while folding his arms, the sound of
squeaking leather echoing the room.
I chose this sentence because I could point out a lot of things that you should look out for.
1) You skipped a word: '...equal in size as he smiled...'
2) The comma is used inappropriately. It should be two separate sentences. You cannot use a comma like that without a connecting prep like: and, but etc.
3) You switches tense a bit: 'echoing' should be 'echoed'? Or maybe there should be an 'in': '...echoing in the room.' I am not sure, but it is awkward at most.
Sentence Fragment:
A large table that could seat many people.
Either you should have a ';' connecting that to the sentence before or star the sentence with 'It was a large...' or connect the sentence before with a comma and a 'and': 'Rakavir made his way back to the end of the table, and it was a large table that could...' You can approach this in many ways.
Most of your fragments started with the words 'A', 'Yet', or 'But'. Some of them were not fragments, but many were. And you used the word 'Yet' way too much. You used the word once every second paragraph practically, and sometimes two, three times in one paragraph. Plus, a lot of the times you used it incorrectly. Not only is that much repetition annoying, it is quite pedestrian.
The line:
And thus, the story begins...
Should not be used. Not only because it is repeated nearly the same later, but this on is not as affective as the other.
The line:
It hurt with a throbbing pain, yet she dared not move. But she stood erect as she looked
forwards at the source of her pain.
1) The line: ‘It hurt with a throbbing pain…’ is kind of awkward. You said the same thing twice in six words. Say something like, ‘The pain she felt upon her face throbbed erratically...’ or ‘Her face throbbed from the pain…’ The way you wrote it makes sense logically, but make no sense structurally.
2) The second half could be written as ‘…she dared not move, but she stood…’ as one sentence with a comma or ‘she dared not move as she stood erect looking forwards…’ as one full sentence.
I do not mean to sound picky, but as much as your idea is intriguing and very well thought out, you need good writing to go along with that good idea. I am not sure if you one-day want to publish this story, but if you do, you need have writing that is not so pedestrian.
The line:
Wavan begat Wakun: who rules the entire faction of Gallalecto is an isolated galaxy
from the unknown forces from the original galaxy that they were banished from…
This is just awkwardly written and confusing. Maybe you should revise and clarify.
The line: Little did she know that the child before her was one who would be a legend in
times to come.
This line is not only cliché, but tells the reader exactly who the child is. It might be better to not have the line creating more mystery and not seeming so cliché.
Overall, I find your biggest problem is your grammar. You try and use a lot of complex sentences, which is good, but the simple sentences and grammatical errors over shadow the gems that can be found in this piece. The only way to move away from pedestrian writing is to practice, revise and read.
On to the positives…
The ending line:
And so begins the tale of Alkador…
I really like this line even though it is overused throughout history. However, if you leave the first similar line after the prologue the mood and power this line brings will diminish.
The idea is amazing. I am so intrigued. I do not mean to sound rude, but when I go through it and have a hard time reading it because of grammatical problem, it takes away from the quality of the story. If this was written with more prices detail in sensory and structure than it may as well be a masterpiece, because the idea is so damn intriguing. The prologue was a little confusing and the story could probably do without, but the whole idea of having a child to a servant’s daughter, and these weird powers etc. is very intriguing. I am not sure where the story is going, but if you can keep up the intrigue, the idea could very well make a spectacular novel.
I liked how Rakavir was nicknamed Prince of Evil. It makes me think of Satan, which automatically created the character intended in my mind without even describing him. I knew he was cunning, backstabbing, power hungry, etc. And I knew it all from that little nickname that many Christians would relate to Satan (not that he is Satan, but as a character the way people envision Satan may be similar).
Overall, it seems like a story that could keep a reader’s attention if, and only if, the writing can keep their attention. You can have a great story, but it has to be affectively written. Also, before I forget, you had a good use of imagery at times as well (ex.// when he threw the blade across the huge table into Rakivir).
I hope my review is helpful. Please, if you have any question just ask.
Please accept my apologies of not visiting nor helping the club in a long time, but since i moved to Bulgaria, i have not been in the mood of doing anything much anymore. This is something i have written as part of a journal for a forum, and i would like to see some comments on it, thnaks a lot guys.
April 23. Bored. Seems like the only thing that is saving me from a meltdown is my keyboard, the monitor and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers music blasting through my headphones. Ever since I have come to Bulgaria i have lost that point of reference i used to follow in life. Although Sofia is massive, it is locked in itself. Nothing like Skopje, nothing like the life i used to live. Strange how good memories can hurt so much. Strange how every morning you wake up with the same fear and hope wrapped in one package, how you wish that Sofia will become a friendlier city, how you hope that you will get used to it all, and yet how you are afraid of losing Skopje, losing the memories of its dreams and nightmares, exchanging it for other glitz in Bulgaria. Stranger still, how a person who gave up writing a long, long time ago can revert to it in a state of melancholy, posting it on a forum for everyone to read. Maybe that is part of the magic of releasing your emotions to other people which gives you a sense of relief. No. Nonsense. The music is just providing me with a complex state of inspiration. Still nonsense, i guess you have to learn how to give up on things sometimes. I guess you have to at least try to learn, or else things like these will drag you down like a lead weight underwater. Then you drown in a see of emotions so deep, that you cannot resurrect yourself from them. You need another person to do that; a person i found both in Macedonia and Moldova, and were that person to somewhow, god forebid, dissappear, then there would be another number of more or less efficient replacements. A person i have failed to find in Bulgaria. A person that i dont want to find in Bulgaira. Because finding one would mean that i would bring in another point of reference. And i can handle, one, maybe two lives, two points, but a third one would break me. Three lives is too much for anyone to handle. I have become quite a pessimist when coming to Bulgaria. Strange, i always considered myself as quite the dreamer and the optimist in Macedonia. God, only now do i realize how gilded my life was in Skopje, only now when my gold alchemically reversed to base metal. Although the pure human nature is to blame for that, nothing else. Isn't regret the next logical step after realization in the human nature? Yes, both fourtunately and unfourtunately, yes. Soon my watch will ring twelve, and soon all those feelings filling me up will not matter, they will dissappear with the dawn of hope, with that same little spark i have been getting for some months now, but as it is the case since i moved to Bulgaria, there will be exactly nothing there to keep this spark going....
wow you guys STILL here.....wow anyway how is everybody?
At 4/22/05 05:15 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:At 4/22/05 05:13 PM, Coop83 wrote: Is it your Birthday?Yes! No NG members have wished me a happy birthday... *sniff*... not even in the LUL. : P
A belated happy Birthday to you, Myst Williams. Have a drink on me.
At 4/23/05 04:43 PM, lex117 wrote: Please accept my apologies of not visiting nor helping the club in a long time, but since i moved to Bulgaria, i have not been in the mood of doing anything much anymore.
We are glad to have you visit when you can. : )
At 4/23/05 04:47 PM, LordSkeletor wrote: wow you guys STILL here.....wow anyway how is everybody?
Oh ya man, i don't plan on going anywhere. Where have you been? You doing well?
At 4/23/05 05:44 PM, Coop83 wrote: A belated happy Birthday to you, Myst Williams. Have a drink on me.
Roffle! That picture always makes me laugh. You're giving such a misjevious look.
I can see you doing one of those 'Just say "NO" ' commercials where they depict you as the 'peer pressure' guy saying, 'Just a sip. C'mon, it's good' or somthing. lol.
At 4/23/05 06:01 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Review
Thank you very much for spending a long time commenting on my story and such. I might do the same for you as I am glad to have some good feedback. The problem with me when I show my friends my writing is they say that it is 'really good' without any proper suggestions.
You also remind me of the English teacher, who feels that I have the habit of making my sentences 'wordy' or to explain something more words than it requires. Never learning grammar in primary or secondary school, I have always tried to see where I go wrong and haven't really learned the proper sentence structures and names of terms given to particular words and characters, such as prepositions, clauses, colons etc. I suppose reading up on that may give me some backbone towards my story.
I will try to use all the suggestions given and attempt to work on the first chapter to see what I can generate. I'm glad to see that you find it rather good to read. I'll try harder and I hope to improve.
Thank again.
so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now
At 4/23/05 08:15 PM, Rile1 wrote: so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now
If ya wnana join yeha but change club to guildjust so people don't get cnfused :P
and post some stuff so wecna have a look at it or if ya want ,their is a bit of backlog with reviews I believe, scan bakc a few pages and tyr and review a few pieces thta have been submitted.
Myst I'm currently editing eveyrthing I've done so far with Bloodline and hopefully I'll be able to send it ya in an emial by either tommorow or the day after. However I do have a lot of work to do aswell ( I hate essays grrrrrrr ) so if you don't get it its cause Ive had a mental breakdown and have bee amditte dto the local insane asylum.
At 4/23/05 07:15 PM, Alkador wrote: Thank you very much for spending a long time commenting on my story and such. I might do the same for you as I am glad to have some good feedback. The problem with me when I show my friends my writing is they say that it is 'really good' without any proper suggestions.
Well, I am very serious about writing. I want to be a professor of English and also be a writer. It is hard for me not to be judgmental at times. And to be fully honest, I make a lot of the same mistakes you do, but as writers we are too stubborn to notice our own flaws. So it is good to have others who have the same interest read your work. I also find it helpful to leave a piece of writing for a week and then go back to it after you have cleared away all your bias. That is what i do at least.
You also remind me of the English teacher, who feels that I have the habit of making my sentences 'wordy' or to explain something more words than it requires. Never learning grammar in primary or secondary school, I have always tried to see where I go wrong and haven't really learned the proper sentence structures and names of terms given to particular words and characters, such as prepositions, clauses, colons etc. I suppose reading up on that may give me some backbone towards my story.
Well, like i said on your forum, your writing made sense logically and the story idea is so interesting, it is just the problem that you use commas when you are not supposed to and sometimes you do not write complete sentences (fragments). Your wording and imagery is very unique, it is just your grammar that is the problem. So if you can master grammar enough to be a an editor, you will be one hell of a writer on top of how good you already are.
I might go ahead and write up the basics of grammar that you should know and post it here if you like. Then i can notify you in the LUL or on your forum.
I will try to use all the suggestions given and attempt to work on the first chapter to see what I can generate. I'm glad to see that you find it rather good to read. I'll try harder and I hope to improve.
Well i love your attitude. I must admit that that is the attitude of a writer. A writer must be willing to improve to matter what and must be able to take positive criticism. I have no doubt in my mind that you will improve.
Thank again.
It is my pleasure. You have a deffientn talent.
At 4/23/05 08:15 PM, Rile1 wrote: so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now
Welcome to the club. Please post your own writing.
At 4/24/05 04:50 AM, -Manic- wrote: Myst I'm currently editing eveyrthing I've done so far with Bloodline and hopefully I'll be able to send it ya in an emial by either tommorow or the day after. However I do have a lot of work to do aswell ( I hate essays grrrrrrr ) so if you don't get it its cause Ive had a mental breakdown and have bee amditte dto the local insane asylum.
lol, okay. No worries, i am quite bust reading King Lear as of now myself. So whenever you finish you finish, we have lots of time.
COOP, sorry that i have been caught up and not commenting on your piece. I had to do Alks and today i have an editorial to write (yesterday was the party XD)... so i will finish up my notes on the bus ride on Monday and have it done Monday night for sure. I am nearly done compiling my notes, it is just hectic this weekend.
At 4/24/05 12:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: COOP, sorry that i have been caught up and not commenting on your piece. I had to do Alks and today i have an editorial to write (yesterday was the party XD)... so i will finish up my notes on the bus ride on Monday and have it done Monday night for sure. I am nearly done compiling my notes, it is just hectic this weekend.
Cool, I can wait a while longer.
btw, that pic of me was after I'd had a few. You may notice one of the bottles of Southern Comfort had been half drained, by the time I got to taking the picture, adding to the mailce of my picture.
At 4/24/05 03:32 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool, I can wait a while longer.
Okay, thanks.
btw, that pic of me was after I'd had a few. You may notice one of the bottles of Southern Comfort had been half drained, by the time I got to taking the picture, adding to the mailce of my picture.
lol! It is such a misjevious look. You drunkard...
ummm, not to be a nuissance and all, but no one has commented on my writing :'( at the top of the page, plz do so anyone if you have a chance....
i think he's still got thedarkguardian(my story too) and someone else to do yet. a writer must learn patience.
At 4/24/05 06:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: lol! It is such a misjevious look. You drunkard...
The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.
(We lost by the way)
At 4/25/05 04:51 PM, Coop83 wrote: The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.
lol! Cricket isn't contact is it?
(We lost by the way)
Then it really was not worth it was it?
Here is your review (may be in installements so give me a minute here):
Alright, OMG!, I finished COOP! Yuppers, I finally finished writing all my comments for Chapter II – I sure as hell hope I can fit it all in one post. It looks big on the [paper, but I write big so it probably is no all that bad.
I am not going to do all the negatives first and then the positives like a normally would. I am going to work chronologically for you, because it easier for both of most likely.
Relan sat up on her makeshift bed…
I just had to note that I loved that line. It created a nice image of a shotty straw bed and was almost comedic in a way. It is just amazing wording that gave me a vivid image.
(This is common throughout the universe, as whatever state
someone’s hair is when they go to bed, it will always end up
in an intricate system of knots, resembling Spaghetti Junction
during a rather nasty rush hour accident.)
Wow, with this one, I think it is a little excessive. I think you could have approached this differently. It is almost as if you are demeaning the reader, and the metaphor is somewhat poor to me.
… posthumously and vociferously.
I happen to think I have a large vocabulary, but I had to grab a dictionary for these ones.
… looked about as out of place as a Humming bird studying Particle physics.
Omg! Huh? Sometimes I think you are saying things just to sound smart. I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that a hummingbird would not be studying particle physics, but I think your imagery here is a little outrageous. I don’t find it humorous and I really thin kyou could have come with something more entertaining and relevant that would look out of place.
When they entered, Aldrea jumped up, excitedly, while
Perit stood, leant on his staff and walked slowly over to the desk.
This is a very good comical image. I loved this line.
(Usually one of those family based wars, when it’s all to do with:
‘What Darren said to our Shirley at Jo’s wedding.’ These are
more contained and are more devastating on a local scale.)
This is another too specific and unneeded reference. It seems that the first page has a lot of these odd and obscure (non-entertaining) references. The other pages steer away from that, but these few are really out’a whack in my opinion.
Also I found some small typos (nothing huge) so you may want to read it over once to try and catch them.
Long quote ahead:
Her senses exploded into an array of tastes and smells. Her mind
raced to the far away settlement, known as Norn’s Pass, where the
air was crisp and clear. There was a fresh coating of snow on
the ground and she was standing in the middle of a group of yurts.
A wolf howled in the distance and she could hear someone
chopping down a tree. She opened her eyes and swallowed the liquid.
I had to quote this because I loved it! This was amazing imagery and very beautiful writing.
She sat down, so she could get her senses back.
This line though (shortly after the last) should be taken right out. It kind of killed the mood and it just does not fit in my mind. It really killed the last quote for me and I read the same few paragraphs without that line and I felt it was twice as good without. I would just cut it, though it is up to you.
“Drink up, cos the next few rounds are cheap…
The word ‘cos should be like this: ’cos.
The policing of the anti-explosives laws had become a sticking
point for the city guard some years ago, when it came to
searching Dwarves for any offending articles. It was made a
by-law, three weeks later, that any dwarf who, when watched
for more than 30 seconds, did not explode, was not carrying explosives.)
Omg! Aha, I loved this part. It made me chuckle. It was cleverly written and executed.
“There’s only going to be two men in it… I was providing
shelter for the Half-Orc, Brek. It’s just that I don’t want him
sleeping any closer to me than he has to!”
I liked this bit also. Brings me closer to the characters as real people and less of fantasy-like creatures.
“May Misratx guide your blade to the hearts of your enemies,
Brother. And may Rec’ymur deliver you safely to your destination.”
I thought this was very creatuve – I am assuming you made it up.
Meanwhile, across town, the author launched a sinister plot device.
The author? Is that Renil? I did not quite understand this line.
These clothes were all a shade of shadow.
Everything before this line was great, but the word ‘shade’ and then ‘shadow’ doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe it could be worded differently.
The man led his intruder / employee through…
I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.
… shall have to see if the open country makes men of them.
Great wording! I loved this line.
“Even the most powerful of mages must resort to little spells,
should the occasion call for it.” We shall not overlook her, just in case.”
I was confused as to what was going on with the quotations here. Mistake?
…his hand over his mouth and drummed his fingers on his cheek.
Part 2 of my review COOP:
Great imagery! I loved this line also.
“I mean for you to kill him and save me my two
thousand Kronep. Do you understand?”
The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.
I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.
There, you will find a merchant, who goes by the name of Vlart Langstrom.
I loved this. Finally! some significant plot development that I can see being achieved. All these questions arrive to me now (don’t actually answer them)… what is going on? Who is he working for? Why is h working for him? Is it like an insurance type thing? A scandal to screw whom? OMG! Excited to find out.
I also wanted to note that I had to look up about 2 or 3 words since the first page, which is a pain in the ass for a reader. And I read quite frequently, so this is odd for me; maybe an overuse of the thesaurus? Or maybe you should lower your diction n your writing for a more general public?
It was he who spoke.
This line is placed oddly making me think one person is about to speak when another in fact does. It should be revised and moved or cut.
looked up at his student quizzically
You forgot a period at the end here is all, but it was hard not to miss and point out.
… but it thinly disguised a deep pit of disgust underneath it.
I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.
With a tear in her eye…
This was actually quite moving. It made me feel as if they had a connection that Corasset did not actually see or feel emotionally attached to. Although, the next paragraph may have went a bit too extreme and ruined the mood for me.
“I thought that Falco columbarius looks much more fetching than Corvus corvax.”
Huh? Another confusing part.
The ending was sick. Corasset is gon’na be in on the fighting? Partners? Attack? Intrigue! OMG! (Don’t actually answer these questions… I want to be surprised.)
You tend to use your brackets oddly, starting anew sentence, which I am nearly certain is grammatically incorrect. It is very confusing at times and leaves me a little dumbfounded and even insulted at times (as if you are talking down to the reader – like that one part I mentioned).
Overall, it is amazing, like OMG! Amazing. lol. There are many great written parts and the bulk of it is written well, but nothing outstandingly shocking yet as for writing. As for plot, I am not even a fan of LOTR or anything so much, but I love this tale and am so intrigued to read on. In end, it is a great piece that I love, but has its little problems that are kind of an annoyance.
I hope this review does help some and if you have any specific question it would be made easier for me to point out flaws that you may have been unsure of. Great job as always!
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