Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

At 4/11/05 04:18 PM, WithoutCease wrote: Then I should definetely pick it up.

Ya, and make sure you stick it through (even the boring parts) it all comes together in the end.

I haven't seen him in a long, long while. 'Tis a shame.. 'Tis a shame...

It is. I miss him.

MANIC... WOR man... ^_^

At 4/11/05 04:16 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: How is Coop's story coming? I havn't heard anything... does he still visit here?

I do still come here, but due to the lack of anything constructive to say, I haven't posted. I'm quite glad you missed me. I have started the third chapter, but it is slow going. There will be progress... eventually

At 4/11/05 04:40 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: MANIC... WOR man... ^_^

lol Sorry dude. I'll make a post.

Thanks for the review aswell.

At 4/11/05 04:16 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/11/05 03:59 PM, WithoutCease wrote: I'll be sure to pick it up. I like those kinda books a bit.

It is a good learning experience for serious writers i think.

At 4/11/05 04:04 PM, -Manic- wrote:

Yes i did. Okay, to start: Things like " hadn't " should be " had not " in a formal piece, so kill off all conjunctions.

will do that hadn't realised I was doing that anyway.

Now, it is very intriguing and deffiently grabs my attention which is key, but the whole calling rhw master "it" seems odd, it makes me realize he is not human, but i am sure he (i say he) has a gender and/or has traits similar to a specific gender (i gathered male).

The whole not human thing you picked up on was intentional. The idea is that " the master"is human in all respects to do with appearnce rgans etc but he lost his humanity along time ago due to his evil actions.

Also, read it aloud to yourself, because some of the writing is awkward and hard to read. Kind of like a run-on sentence, but still grammatically correct. Read it aloud and if anything comes out awkward, then think of a better way to write that sentence or to write it into two sentences.

Will do that now

Other than that, i liked it. It got me interested which is most important for an intro piece; it looks like this could turn out well.

I'm glad you thinkt hat cause the idea Ive got for this is quite interestign and I think the finsihed piece can be veyr good if I can get it right.

Getting someone else to read it aloud can help also, because some people read things differently, and a great writer can force a reader to take it in a certain way. Great start, Manic!

Any suggestions as to how I can force the reader to read it in a certain way?

I posted a thread to recruit people to WOR so please check that out to make sure i didn't miss anything

At 4/12/05 05:46 AM, Coop83 wrote: I do still come here, but due to the lack of anything constructive to say, I haven't posted. I'm quite glad you missed me. I have started the third chapter, but it is slow going. There will be progress... eventually

Hey man, glad to see you are not drunk and half dead in an alley. Anyway, i hope god speed comes to you soon. I love reading your writing. I am going to re-read chapter 2 this weekend, because last time i read it i was rushed (exam time etc) and i feel i didnt give it the attention it deserved.

At 4/12/05 02:50 PM, -Manic- wrote: lol Sorry dude. I'll make a post.

Heh, good!

Thanks for the review aswell.

No prob.

At 4/12/05 03:02 PM, -Manic- wrote: The whole not human thing you picked up on was intentional. The idea is that " the master"is human in all respects to do with appearnce rgans etc but he lost his humanity along time ago due to his evil actions.

Oh well i got it now, but even if 'it' was 'he' I still think i would percieve it the same way, but i could be wrong.

I'm glad you thinkt hat cause the idea Ive got for this is quite interestign and I think the finsihed piece can be veyr good if I can get it right.

I think you can, but i do wish you don't give up this time around. Keep at it, i look forward to reading more!

Any suggestions as to how I can force the reader to read it in a certain way?

Well, that is hard to say. Sometimes it is just a god given talent, other times it takes work. Your best bet is to read it aloud, because any awkward or mis-interpreted sentences can be spotted easily. Another way is to write another chapter or piece and go back to the first a week later. You always catch new mistakes.

Other than that, there is a science behind the difference of writing well and writing amazingly. Try and use as many as your literary compnents as you can. Metaphor, symbolism, smilie, alliteration, forshadowing and personification (etc), because if you make the image or symbol vivid or repatitive, it really forces the reader to see things a certain way. Ironically, one of the best books for this (like i said before - learning experience) is A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. The foreshadowing and symbolism and repatitive acts and/or messages still give the reader that out (two choices to form an opinion or bias), but in fact forces the reader to side with the belief or bias the writer wants the reader to choose. I may be confusing you, but you really have to read this book to understand - I think.

At 4/12/05 08:09 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/12/05 05:46 AM, Coop83 wrote: I do still come here, but due to the lack of anything constructive to say, I haven't posted. I'm quite glad you missed me. I have started the third chapter, but it is slow going. There will be progress... eventually

Hey man, glad to see you are not drunk and half dead in an alley. Anyway, i hope god speed comes to you soon. I love reading your writing. I am going to re-read chapter 2 this weekend, because last time i read it i was rushed (exam time etc) and i feel i didnt give it the attention it deserved.

Great news. If all goes well, I might actually start writing chapter 3 PROPERLY today. I've been brainstorming and floarting ideas around my file on the computer since I finished chapter 2, so there's a lot of stuff waiting to be used. (About 333Kb, so I've got a lot of work to do.)

At 4/13/05 04:56 AM, Coop83 wrote: Great news. If all goes well, I might actually start writing chapter 3 PROPERLY today. I've been brainstorming and floarting ideas around my file on the computer since I finished chapter 2, so there's a lot of stuff waiting to be used. (About 333Kb, so I've got a lot of work to do.)

Great! I love hearing good news. I cant wait to see it. And i am joining your D&D finally... you will have to help me along, because i am 100% new at it. ^_^

this is the continuation of thelast thing I posted so yeha? review read and enjoy (hopefully) please :-)

Garret watched as the golden leaves danced across the air and came to rest upon the ground with the same grace it had possessed when it was carried by the tune that was played by the whistling winds that echoed around him.
Thoughts stirred inside Garrets mind. He began to think of what life would be like if there was no Master. He wondered what it felt like to be able to dance like the leaves did.
Garrets mind began to wander as he started to make his way across the courtyard. He started to whistle.
He stopped. The tune was familiar but he could not place where he had heard it. He knew it came from a time before the Master but when exactly was unknown. He shrugged and continued to whistle the tune to himself as he walked in the chilled autumn sunshine. Even outside the castle the Masters presence could be felt.
His feet came to a stop as he reached the gate that led to the road. He reached his hand and touched the portcullis that blocked his path. It was one of the few places that the Master had never touched. It was cold to the touch.
He reached put to his side and pulled the lever to his side. The gate started to open slowly. Garret knew not how the gate worked all he knew was that it was from a time long before the Master.
Garret walked through the gate and stepped onto the weather beaten path that led to the village that lay in the shadow of the Masters Castle. The path was wild and the vegetation that grew around and on it was like a jungle.
The wind struck the opening chords to another song and more leaves jumped from their seats on the branches to dance. The wind was soon joined by a bass line of water droplets that fell from the sky.
The leaves continued to dance.
Garret gave no notice to the rain as it fell from the heavens above. He was used to sudden rainfall. It was never a common occurrence in the days before the Master but ever since the Master the weather had seemed unstable.
The road started to wander off into the forest. Garret knew there were creature sin the forest but he had never seen them. He also knew the two strangers the master wanted were in the forest too. But his task was to find food for the master not to capture the strangers.
The forest was dense yet even its density did not stop the rain from piercing
through the canopy. The path quickly turned to mud as Garret trudged along trying to find something within the forest.
His eyes flickered left and right as he wandered along but did not see anything. He grudgingly gave up searching for the creatures of the forest and carried on walking along the mud track deeper into the forest.
The sparrow that sat in a tree watched as Garret walked off. The sparrow started to preen its feathers as it sat underneath a leaf protected from the rain that was plummeting to the earth.
It looked up once more as Garret continued to walk. He moved slowly forwards trying to not to make a sound. The sparrow came to the end of the branch that it was perched on and gave up following Garret. He went back to his leaf and waited for the water to stop falling from the clouds.

Holy crap. I haven't posted in this thread for a while.

Here is a script me and my friend wrote. It was originally an MSN convo, but I've converted it to a script. All the lines in this script were thought up by the character (eg: all of Andy's lines were made by Andy. Same for Dan, who is me)
__________________________________________________
DAN: OK, Andy, who's first on our killing schedule? Is it old man Jenkins?
ANDY: No, it’s Mr. Johnson who lives down the lane. That old bugger is going down.
(Andy pats bag of explosives)
DAN: Oh yeah, Mr. Johnson. I've wanted to kill him for so long. NO MR. JOHNSON! I said. I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING IKEA LEAFLETS! But he just kept giving them to me. He didn't stop. He was out of control.
ANDY: I know what you mean. Just the other day I saw him chasing the milkman with a broom. Chasing him is one thing, but beating him until an inch of his life..
DAN: Is another...
ANDY: The worst part was, his pants fell down as he was running. Oh the embarrassment.
DAN: Yes, I heard he has Thomas the Tank Engine underwear
ANDY: You heard right.
DAN: Here he comes now.
(Andy watches Mr. Johnson walk into the park)
DAN: That bastard... is going down
ANDY: Too right he is.
(Dan runs up to Mr. Johnson with a cucumber and beats him with it)
DAN: FUCK YOUR IKEA LEAFLETS!! Oops... sorry Dad...
(Dan looks around and finds Mr. Johnson again)
(Andy finds Mr. Johnson feeding the ducks)
ANDY: The bastard is feeding the ducks... poison! HE POISONED THE BREAD!
DAN: NO! NOT POINSONED BREAD!
ANDY: THE MANIAC!
(Dan runs up to Mr. Johnson and pushes him into the duck pond)
ANDY: Good work Dan.
DAN: Er... Andy
ANDY: Yes.. Dan?
DAN: We just pushed the President of the United States into the duck pond... And he drowned...
ANDY: Did anyone see?
DAN: The ducks did
(Dan gets out a shotgun and shoots the ducks)
ANDY: ...
DAN: They saw too much...
ANDY: Well done.
(Andy points to a child who witnessed the whole thing from behind a bush)
ANDY: HIM! Shoot him. We saw us kill the President AND the ducks!
DAN: Wait. How old is the kid?
ANDY: I would say he looks about 6.
DAN: He should be pretty easy to kill
DAN: Yes. Very easy.
DAN: YAYAYAYAYA!
(Dan gets out his cucumber again and grabs the kid)
(Andy runs at kid with plant pot)
(The kid ducks and escapes from Dan’s arms)
(Andy hits Dan with the plant pot)
ANDY: Sorry
(Dan picks up kid and throws him in pond)
(Andy throws bricks at kid)
DAN: HAHA!
(Dan throws dog at kid)
DAN: HAHA!
ANDY: I think he’s dead now. You can stop.
DAN: Just to be sure
(Dan pushes piano into the pond at the kid)
(Andy looks at remains of child)
ANDY: He’s dead.
DAN: Oh my God! HE'S NOT DEAD!
(Dan gets out his shotgun again and shoots the kid)
DAN: Oh wait... it just moved because the current of the water picked up the body. Sorry about that.
(Mr. Johnson comes out of nowhere and runs at Dan and Andy)
(Dan dodges him and smacks him in the back of the neck)
(Andy slaps him with shoe)
(Dan gets out his shotgun and shoots him in the eye)
(Mr. Johnson's eye regenerates)
DAN: Oh my God! HE'S A T-1000!
ANDY: Crap
DAN: We're in shit now
ANDY: That we are
DAN: We need Arnie!
ANDY: That we do. Do you still have that robot in your house Dan?
DAN: I only have a vacuum cleaner. I dunno if that’ll do much.

TO BE CONTINUED…

At 4/13/05 05:25 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Great! I love hearing good news. I cant wait to see it. And i am joining your D&D finally... you will have to help me along, because i am 100% new at it. ^_^

Cool. I always love a challenge.

Het Myst can I print out your story?

I will give you all credit I won't use it in any contest I just won't to show some people what I was talking about.

I should be able to get some time to make some peoms but I'm way too busy with school and having to move. I will try and make up a quick little poem.

i'm more of a diologue person, and i like setting stories in the times of...well, Tolkeinish settings. here's the third chapter in a book i'm writing. tell me what you think. and everyone else is really good too. i can't hope to learn to get this detailed with my stories.
Split Up, The Man Called Havik
“Well, it appears that we can’t go out through the front door, goblins everywhere,” Said Carathorn as he looked out the window.
“Well then, we go through the back,” shrugged Kaniis, his beard bouncing as he looked around for options.
“This large group will be spotted no matter how we leave,” Stated Brum, “I’ll gladly fend off the goblins while you make your escape, I’ll give my life for the noble cause.”
“And let you have all the fun? Like I’m going to let that happen,” smirked Kitiana, he curls bouncing as she flew by Brum’s side, sword in hand. The door burst open and the goblins poured in like a see of green seaweed, their ugly faces reflecting the murder they constantly saw in their eyes. Each goblin had a pointed nose, were no taller than Fireforge or Bus, and carried a small, curved sword with a dagger on their right side, each wanting to kill the next thing they saw, even if it was another goblin.
“GO! Before these little devils make it past us!” shouted Brum as he slashed off a goblin’s head. The other companions realized they couldn’t beat all the goblins, so they wished Kitiana and Brum luck and ran through the door, Carathorn carrying his brother to keep up with everyone else.
Kitiana and Brum realized that they most likely weren’t going to meet up with their friends again at this point. But they really didn’t have too much of a choice. The two managed to kill about twenty goblins, but they got tired, and the goblins seemed endless.
“Well, not the most fitting death, but solath muth jadar-my honor is my life,” said Brum as he collapsed to his knees.
Kitiana was about to reply when a man jumped in front of both of them. “Finally, a bit of fun!” he shouted.

“Shouldn’t we try and help?” asked Bus, looking back at the inn.
“Oh no! Tikaylan is still in there!” shouted Carathorn as he looked back.
Suddenly they all heard a gruff, deep voice shout “Finally, a bit of fun!”
“What was that?” asked Fireforge, pulling Bus along with them. Suddenly, he stopped too “Oh no, I just remembered you said we were going on a boat,” he said with a shiver.
“Kaniis, don’t you remember what happened last time Fireforge was on a boat? I nearly drowned him!” Carathorn said.
“Well then drag him on the boat along with Bus and your brother, we don’t have time to argue!” he shouted back, not even glancing at anyone except the barbarians. They had been quiet for a while, a little too quiet. He asked them earlier why they were quiet and the tall one answered by growling at him. I guess it’s the racist minds of the barbarians at work Kaniis thought to himself.
“Finally, a bit of fun!” shouted a voice from the inn. Raistlor froze in his brother’s grip.
“That voice!” he hissed loudly. He made Carathorn nearly drop him Raistlor scared him so much.
“What do you mean?” asked Carathorn, still running toward the boat.
“You wouldn’t understand if I were to tell you. But I do know who that person who just shouted is, I noticed him earlier watching us,” said Raistlor looking back at the inn. “And if that guy is helping Brum and our sister, then they will most assuredly beat, or at the very least, scare off all the goblins.”
“Wow, that powerful?”
“Yes, now get moving, you stopped running.”
Carathorn shook the thoughts of what such a powerful man might look like out of his head and continued toward the boat, even the plender and Fireforge was ahead of him.

Shortly after the weird, loud man entered battle, the goblins all changed from looks of rage to that of fear. After the man pulled out a wooden staff, he began to whack each goblin in the side of the head. Each one must have flew 20 feet through the air and smacked into the walls.

hold on, i couldn't fit it all.

Kitiana was amazed at the way the man fought. Such ferocity…she thought to herself. The goblins soon began to retreat after they saw their friends laying dead on the sides of the inn.
“Come on! Come on! Don’t run! I’m just getting warmed up!” shouted the man as he began to chase after the goblins. In the distance, the man saw Raistlor, as did Kitiana and Brum. “Oh darn it! A mage! I wanted these goblins and now he’s gonna take all the fun!” he shouted. Raistlor moved his hands toward the goblins, and they all fell down in a heap of sleeping bodies. “The least you can do is kill them instead of put them to sleep!” the man shouted. But if Raistlor heard, he didn’t show it, he just left with the other companions upon seeing that more goblins were coming.
“That spell must have taken a lot out of the kid,” said Brum. “Putting a bunch of goblins to sleep must not be an easy thing to do.”
“Well duh, it’s not like one of you Knights to point out the obvious. You aren’t officially a Knight of Solomriac are you?” asked the man.
“Before we tell you anything about us, who are you?” asked Kitiana, a gleam in her eyes.
“Well is that how I get treated after I save you guys’ lives? You cast suspicion on me?” Kitiana was about to apologize, but he stopped her. “Whatever, my name is Havik, what are yours?” he asked.
“I am Kitiana, and this is Brum Brightblade, no, he isn’t a Knight yet, as you guessed. But he does have the beard of a Knight.” She answered. She was asking why the man’s name was odd and why she found it hard to pronounce it without shuddering.
Havik was a sight to look at. He had dark, just about pure black hair that flowed around his head perfectly, his eyes looked like an elf’s and so did his ears. But his build was more human, though he looked as strong as an ogre, but he had the mysterious aura a magic user about him.
Suddenly, Kitiana knew why she had a hard time believing Havik was the man’s real name. “Can I get a better look at you for a second?” she moved closer to the man and reached out her hand, “Your eyes are elven, your ears as well, and your hair…” she slowly described the odd, yet attractive traits he had as she neared him. Suddenly she grabbed the back of the man’s collar and put a knife to his throat. “Alright, now, what’s your real name, and why did you lie like that?”
Despite his current state, Havik smiled and even let out a little giggle “Whatever do you mean?” he asked sincerely.
The two were standing in the middle of the Inn with the barkeeper and Brum staring at them. Had it been any other man, Kitiana would have killed him on the spot for keeping the lie up this long. But something about this guy made her unable to go through with the kill, so she kept talking. “I have heard stories, unbelievable stories about a “Havik”. And those stories were from many, many years ago since before I was born. But you look my age, plus, Havik couldn’t have really existed, he’s too strong, and I got a hold of you so easily. Now answer me! Who are you?” she shouted, nearly begging to hear the answer, even though she partially knew the answer already.
“Put that thing down for one, you’re being very disrespectful,” he said, putting his hand on the dagger and slowly pushing it from his neck. Then he peeled off Kitiana’s hand from his collar and brushed himself off before answering. “Just like you, Kitiana…suspicious at any men not held in awe at your beauty, and you Brum, you’re supposed to keep order, in yet you don’t even stop her from threatening my life. You have a long way to go before you become a Knight.” Kitiana backed off and Brum’s beard dropped with his mouth as he was about to say something, but thought better of it. “As for my real name, I am Havik, and I know that you know I’m telling the truth. Now sit down, drink some wine while I cool off and shut up.”

there's the rest of that chapter, what do you think so far? i really need help on places where i can be more detailed.

(>Double-Post<)

i hate it when i'm trying to post a story, and i get a double-post mark here. just because i mention the same characters several times.

i'm planning on submitting a few excerpts to the local school newspaper, i really need suggestions.

At 4/15/05 07:59 PM, thedarkguardian wrote: i'm planning on submitting a few excerpts to the local school newspaper, i really need suggestions.

One thing you should do is make either a shorter story than you just did or a poem relating either to school or insperation something along those lines.

At 4/15/05 08:00 PM, -repent- wrote:

At 4/15/05 07:59 PM, thedarkguardian wrote: i'm planning on submitting a few excerpts to the local school newspaper, i really need suggestions.

One thing you should do is make either a shorter story than you just did or a poem relating either to school or insperation something along those lines.

see, my school paper does not by any means have a lot to report on. they only want one or two stories, plus, they give a lot of space for the stories. as for changing it to a short story, i don't believe that's possible even in the slightest sense. not for me anyways. my stories are my children, i don't want to change them to suit other people's needs. i only want them to look prettier for everyone to see. understand what i'm getting at?

At 4/15/05 08:10 PM, thedarkguardian wrote: understand what i'm getting at?

No I don't you kind of worded it wrong but that's ok I don't really care so just go ahead and do what you please with your stories.

At 4/14/05 03:16 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool. I always love a challenge.

And a challenge it will be ol'sport.

At 4/14/05 08:21 PM, -repent- wrote: Het Myst can I print out your story?

Um, sure, i guess.

I will give you all credit I won't use it in any contest I just won't to show some people what I was talking about.

Cool, tell me what they think?

*****************************************

Sorry i have been away... there was abirthday, and then a broken arm... it has been hectic to say the least. Anyway, I am sure everyone remembers me suggesting A Prayer For Own Meany... i want to clear that up:

When i suggested it, I meant to specify that reading it good for a serious writer because of the major plot development and cunning use of forshadowing. But for fair warning i want to say these negative points and note that i did not in fact like the book:

1) It is 300 pages too long!
2) It has its gems, but the writing is quite pedestrian.
3) Irving (author) is a bit of a moron who constantly feels the need to write whatever comes to mind whether it is opinions on poticial or religious issues.
4) It is a bore times. I barely made it through the book.
5) Irving has a hard time writing good poetic devices.
6) He heavily relies on quoting past - much better - authors.

So, yes, the book overall is kind of good and bad, it is boring and poorly written at times, but at the plot, theme, and character development is quite extraordinary and although you will fall a sleep before reaching the pages of 100... it is worth the learning experience.

Sorry, i had someone question me to how much i liked it, and i wanted to clear that up expressing that I in fact did not like it for many reasons.

At 4/18/05 03:37 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

1) It is 300 pages too long!

i agree, too short for me.

2) It has its gems, but the writing is quite pedestrian.

really? i can't find too much pedestrian things about it.

3) Irving (author) is a bit of a moron who constantly feels the need to write whatever comes to mind whether it is opinions on poticial or religious issues.

hmm, i believe that if it makes a good story (not saying it was a good story) then it is a good idea. but this wasn't a good story, so, agreed.

4) It is a bore times. I barely made it through the book.

well, good thing you made it through the book, if you didn't, then you wouldn't get your money worth.

5) Irving has a hard time writing good poetic devices.

unlike actual poets, perhaps poetry of any form just isn't his forte

6) He heavily relies on quoting past - much better - authors.

he wants to be like those people, be just as good as them, but snce he knows he can't be as good as them, he mentions them constantly to remind himself. i got a character like that in my upcoming book.

I'd love to join. I have plenty of great ideas, but i'm just not quite ready to put them into flash. I'm willing to discuss with any animators that need ideas, just AIM me or e-mail me at MetalHead476@gmail.com.

At 4/18/05 03:37 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/14/05 03:16 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool. I always love a challenge.

And a challenge it will be ol'sport.

Well, I've started chapter 3, so you can rest slightly easier in your bed tonight, Myst. I am trying to get them out of the city, having tied up all the nessesary loose ends. There will be one that I forget, but I can write that in as an 'Oh damn, we forgot to do this' line.

At 4/19/05 07:08 PM, thedarkguardian wrote:

At 4/18/05 03:37 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: 1) It is 300 pages too long!

i agree, too short for me.

Hmm, maybe I am confused, but it was too long. It is 600 pages, i am not sure how that is too short for you?

2) It has its gems, but the writing is quite pedestrian.

really? i can't find too much pedestrian things about it.

Here is a piece of writing that fits under that category, and trust me, there is plenty moree clumsy writing like so:

“These men looked like granite itself – its great strength
can withstand a pressure of twenty thousand pounds per square
inch. Granite, like lava, was once melted rock; but it did
not rise to the earth’s surface – it hardened deep underground
and because it hardened slowly, it formed fairly large crystals.”

3) Irving (author) is a bit of a moron who constantly feels the need to write whatever comes to mind whether it is opinions on poticial or religious issues.

hmm, i believe that if it makes a good story (not saying it was a good story) then it is a good idea. but this wasn't a good story, so, agreed.

Well, his opinions were somewhat biased and very much enforced. I felt that a lot of it was irrelevant and that he could have done without, but he opted to get his opinion out there. He also opted to waste a lot of time with uneeded narrative. There are so many irrelevant digressions, like discussing Buzzy Thurston and Harry Hoyt's fates. The sub-plot in Canada is so incredibly uninteresting that his stereotypes and accusation - which should maybe seem shocking or interesting - actual seemed tired.

4) It is a bore times. I barely made it through the book.

well, good thing you made it through the book, if you didn't, then you wouldn't get your money worth.

True, and the ending was not as big of a bang as it should have been, but the last line i felt was very fitting by continually showing the impact Own had on John.

5) Irving has a hard time writing good poetic devices.

unlike actual poets, perhaps poetry of any form just isn't his forte

No, no. I do not mean actaul poetry. I mean poetic devcies; ex.// metaphor, simile, alliteration, etc. His writing at times was veryt plain and his only strong point was foeshadowing by the way of imagery which was nearly perfect in my opinion. His symbolism was somwhat weak and not as universal as it could have been, but his imagery was spectacular.

6) He heavily relies on quoting past - much better - authors.

he wants to be like those people, be just as good as them, but snce he knows he can't be as good as them, he mentions them constantly to remind himself. i got a character like that in my upcoming book.

On top of all this, there are some kind of disgusting situations involving John that seem less and less important as the boook goes on. And Irving writes the narrative too convincingly for the reader not to believe that John Irving and John Wheelwright posses similar traits. Which is both peculiar and disturbing.

The book was entertaing and the idea was unique, but it was written by a mediochre writer and was 300 pages too long. I liked it, but i didn't.

At 4/19/05 07:21 PM, -Buddhist- wrote: I'd love to join. I have plenty of great ideas, but i'm just not quite ready to put them into flash. I'm willing to discuss with any animators that need ideas, just AIM me or e-mail me at MetalHead476@gmail.com.

Glad to have you. Post your writing for critique.

At 4/20/05 02:08 PM, Coop83 wrote:

At 4/18/05 03:37 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/14/05 03:16 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool. I always love a challenge.

And a challenge it will be ol'sport.

Well, I've started chapter 3, so you can rest slightly easier in your bed tonight, Myst. I am trying to get them out of the city, having tied up all the nessesary loose ends. There will be one that I forget, but I can write that in as an 'Oh damn, we forgot to do this' line.

Heh, sounds great. I can not wait. : ) And rest i shall now that I have gone from ill to ease.

Myst is there nay chance you cna look bakcx a page ( I thinK) and review the second part of my Bloodline story? In fatc can anyone go abck and review it pelase :-)

At 4/20/05 03:54 PM, -Manic- wrote: Myst is there nay chance you cna look bakcx a page ( I thinK) and review the second part of my Bloodline story? In fatc can anyone go abck and review it pelase :-)

Ahh, my fault. I had it planned to review earlier in the week, but i forgot.

At 4/14/05 12:12 PM, -Manic- wrote: this is the continuation of thelast thing I posted so yeha? review read and enjoy (hopefully) please :-)

Sorry i didnt review sooner. My head is all over the place. Here we go:

Okay to start, you have a few too many simple sentences. The odd one works well like, 'He stopped.' but some others are too pedestrian. Alos, to note before i forget, i liked the intro.

The tune was familiar but he could not place where he had heard it.

Hmm, this sentence seems awkward to read. The word 'place' does not fit in my mind, but I will leave whether or not you want to change it to your discretion. It might work if he was the narrarator, but he is not, so it seems wierd to me that an omnitient narrarator would speak so native to the characters tongue.

He reached put to his side and pulled the lever to his side.

Should say 'out'... there are some other typos i noticed as well that I am sure you will catch at a later date.

Garret walked through the gate and stepped onto the weather beaten path that led to the village that lay in the shadow of the Masters Castle. The path was wild and the vegetation that grew around and on it was like a jungle.

Both are very good visuals... i like this part. The second sentence could be written differently with punctuation to make it flow better. That might be hard to do though; it might be worth a shot to try.

The wind struck the opening chords to another song and more leaves jumped from their seats on the branches to dance. The wind was soon joined by a bass line of water droplets that fell from the sky.

Clever, but be careful not to over use it. I hope you don't tire it out.

To sum it all up:

Okay, some of it was sloppy, but it seems to be a first or second draft. So do not worry. My first few drafts are usually sloppy too. Leave it for a week and go back to it reading it aloud. Most likily you will change quite a bit. It has its gems as well though, so do not fret.

No dialogue? Hmm, well you are good at both showing and telling, but I am hoping some dialogue is coming soon, because a piece can get boring if it continues on and on like this. Though it seems he is near to meeting some people, so i expect you are on your way to some intriguing dialogue. So i have no worries.

So, the best way to make a beautifully written piece is to write a part, or chapter, or amount of words, per week, and then when you finish the new piece go back and re-read the part before. You will catch things you missed before. Then, once a month, read everything you had written to that point and you will catch more of plot and character details instead of editing and writing style.

Anyway, this piece is good, but needs a little bit of attention here and there. So in a week, email it to me edited and revised and I want to check out the difference and see how it progressed.

So far I am really enjoying this story; i am intrigued and curious for more. Good job. Some of your best work yet for sure.

P.S. When i critique, it does not mean i don't like it. I just find it helps a writer more to point out more flaws then the gems, because most writers know their strong points - so why point them out? : )

At 4/20/05 07:44 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: P.S. When i critique, it does not mean i don't like it. I just find it helps a writer more to point out more flaws then the gems, because most writers know their strong points - so why point them out? : )

Sorry about the many little typos. I am tired. I keep writing 'then' instead of 'than' today for some reason. I am stuck in elementary school all over again. Bah.

Anyway, anything new? How are you? How is everyone in fact?

At 4/20/05 07:44 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Sorry i didnt review sooner. My head is all over the place. Here we go:

Okay to start, you have a few too many simple sentences. The odd one works well like, 'He stopped.' but some others are too pedestrian. Alos, to note before i forget, i liked the intro.

lol ill endeavour to try and make some of the sentences more complex. Seems strange for someone to tell me this cosndieirng it sth ene thing I almost alays say whenever I review someones work :S

The tune was familiar but he could not place where he had heard it.

Hmm, this sentence seems awkward to read. The word 'place' does not fit in my mind, but I will leave whether or not you want to change it to your discretion. It might work if he was the narrarator, but he is not, so it seems wierd to me that an omnitient narrarator would speak so native to the characters tongue.

Hmmmmmmmmm.I see what you mena but I can't think of how else to write that bit. It may sound stpid but that little tune that GArret remembers is a major part of what I'm planning and I need to be able show that it was from befor he met "the master".

would soemthing like " The tune rang out as he whistled it but his attempts to recall where he had learnt it came to no avail" be good? or is thta a bad idea aswell?

Should say 'out'... there are some other typos i noticed as well that I am sure you will catch at a later date.

Bah. i hate typos. Bane of my life they are.

Both are very good visuals... i like this part. The second sentence could be written differently with punctuation to make it flow better. That might be hard to do though; it might be worth a shot to try.

I'll give it a shot.

Clever, but be careful not to over use it. I hope you don't tire it out.

I hope I don't tire it out either.

To sum it all up

Okay, some of it was sloppy, but it seems to be a first or second draft. So do not worry. My first few drafts are usually sloppy too. Leave it for a week and go back to it reading it aloud. Most likily you will change quite a bit. It has its gems as well though, so do not fret.

It's a first draft. I haven't touched it sinc eI Finsihed writing this bit. pefully tommorow I'll be able to edit it. I've been revising for my French Oral exam ( which incidently was today) so haven't had much time to do much wriitng san dhwne I'vve had the time I've been to tired to do much.

No dialogue? Hmm, well you are good at both showing and telling, but I am hoping some dialogue is coming soon, because a piece can get boring if it continues on and on like this. Though it seems he is near to meeting some people, so i expect you are on your way to some intriguing dialogue. So i have no worries.

There is some dialogue coming up pretty damned soon. So no worries on that part

So, the best way to make a beautifully written piece is to write a part, or chapter, or amount of words, per week, and then when you finish the new piece go back and re-read the part before. You will catch things you missed before. Then, once a month, read everything you had written to that point and you will catch more of plot and character details instead of editing and writing style.

I'll have to try that out

Anyway, this piece is good, but needs a little bit of attention here and there. So in a week, email it to me edited and revised and I want to check out the difference and see how it progressed.

I'll see if I cna gte it done but I'm gnna be busy for wuite a time got deadlines for ocurseowkr coming up etc and my GCSE's are happening soon so it might be a little longer thna a week lol.

So far I am really enjoying this story; i am intrigued and curious for more. Good job. Some of your best work yet for sure.

Thanks. I really like the idea I have for this story whihc is soemthign that rarely happens for me. I'll have an idea but then I'll get bore dof it.I'm not getting bored of this one :-)

P.S. When i critique, it does not mean i don't like it. I just find it helps a writer more to point out more flaws then the gems, because most writers know their strong points - so why point them out? : )

My thoughts exactly. If I review somethign I tend to pick out the flaws more thna anything but if there are bits I like alot I'll mention them etc.

At 4/20/05 07:46 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Anyway, anything new? How are you? How is everyone in fact?

tired, exhausted and strese dout. School wrok is getitng to mcuh and the exams are to close for comfort. I can't wait for the holidays.

At 4/20/05 03:52 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Heh, sounds great. I can not wait. : ) And rest i shall now that I have gone from ill to ease.

Excellent. By the by, did you actually get to reading my second chapter again? I'm always eager to take feedback from anyone (especially one such as yourself)

At 4/21/05 12:32 PM, -Manic- wrote: would soemthing like " The tune rang out as he whistled it but his attempts to recall where he had learnt it came to no avail" be good? or is thta a bad idea aswell?

Actually, that was a well written line, and i fell it fits the 'mood' of the story.

Bah. i hate typos. Bane of my life they are.

Ya, i make them all the time. Mostly on NG, but they are a pain, because they are easy to misss.

To sum it all up

It's a first draft. I haven't touched it sinc eI Finsihed writing this bit. pefully tommorow I'll be able to edit it. I've been revising for my French Oral exam ( which incidently was today) so haven't had much time to do much wriitng san dhwne I'vve had the time I've been to tired to do much.

Ahh, okay. Well again, it is always good to go back once you have written something else as well.

There is some dialogue coming up pretty damned soon. So no worries on that part

Great!

Thanks. I really like the idea I have for this story whihc is soemthign that rarely happens for me. I'll have an idea but then I'll get bore dof it.I'm not getting bored of this one :-)

That is great. I am glad to see you fully dedicated to one piece for change. : )

My thoughts exactly. If I review somethign I tend to pick out the flaws more thna anything but if there are bits I like alot I'll mention them etc.

Okay, good, i just did not want you to get the wrong idea. Some people are sensitive (not that you are - i wouldn't really know), so i try my best to be careful what i say while still being honest.

At 4/21/05 12:33 PM, -Manic- wrote: tired, exhausted and strese dout. School wrok is getitng to mcuh and the exams are to close for comfort. I can't wait for the holidays.

Dido on the holidays.

At 4/21/05 04:06 PM, Coop83 wrote: Excellent. By the by, did you actually get to reading my second chapter again? I'm always eager to take feedback from anyone (especially one such as yourself)

Oh, well i printed it off yesterday again, because i could not find my old print off. So tomorrow's bus ride to school would be the time I will read it. Did i not give a review before? Maybe not, i was quite busy for a while there. I will write down any thoughts in the margin then and post them here late friday or early saturday (depending, my buddies are having a party either friday or saturday night for me [i am not sure; it is kind of a prtial surprise] - its my birthday tomorrow).