Alkador's Story - The Tales of Alkador

Well, I will start with the negatives and end with the positives.

You have a weak grammatical structure. I did not go ahead and edit this, but I can say that just from reading it as reader and not an editor, I caught a lot of mistakes mentally. A reader should never be able to point out more than four or five flaws in a novel let alone the amount I pulled from one chapter. The major problems were comma splices and sentence fragments. I will give you an example of both, but I am not going to go through them all.

Comma Splice:

His near white lips were equal in size as smiled while folding his arms, the sound of
squeaking leather echoing the room.

I chose this sentence because I could point out a lot of things that you should look out for.
1) You skipped a word: '...equal in size as he smiled...'
2) The comma is used inappropriately. It should be two separate sentences. You cannot use a comma like that without a connecting prep like: and, but etc.
3) You switches tense a bit: 'echoing' should be 'echoed'? Or maybe there should be an 'in': '...echoing in the room.' I am not sure, but it is awkward at most.

Sentence Fragment:

A large table that could seat many people.

Either you should have a ';' connecting that to the sentence before or star the sentence with 'It was a large...' or connect the sentence before with a comma and a 'and': 'Rakavir made his way back to the end of the table, and it was a large table that could...' You can approach this in many ways.

Most of your fragments started with the words 'A', 'Yet', or 'But'. Some of them were not fragments, but many were. And you used the word 'Yet' way too much. You used the word once every second paragraph practically, and sometimes two, three times in one paragraph. Plus, a lot of the times you used it incorrectly. Not only is that much repetition annoying, it is quite pedestrian.

The line:

And thus, the story begins...

Should not be used. Not only because it is repeated nearly the same later, but this on is not as affective as the other.

The line:

It hurt with a throbbing pain, yet she dared not move. But she stood erect as she looked
forwards at the source of her pain.

1) The line: ‘It hurt with a throbbing pain…’ is kind of awkward. You said the same thing twice in six words. Say something like, ‘The pain she felt upon her face throbbed erratically...’ or ‘Her face throbbed from the pain…’ The way you wrote it makes sense logically, but make no sense structurally.

2) The second half could be written as ‘…she dared not move, but she stood…’ as one sentence with a comma or ‘she dared not move as she stood erect looking forwards…’ as one full sentence.

I do not mean to sound picky, but as much as your idea is intriguing and very well thought out, you need good writing to go along with that good idea. I am not sure if you one-day want to publish this story, but if you do, you need have writing that is not so pedestrian.

The line:

Wavan begat Wakun: who rules the entire faction of Gallalecto is an isolated galaxy
from the unknown forces from the original galaxy that they were banished from…

This is just awkwardly written and confusing. Maybe you should revise and clarify.

The line: Little did she know that the child before her was one who would be a legend in

times to come.

This line is not only cliché, but tells the reader exactly who the child is. It might be better to not have the line creating more mystery and not seeming so cliché.

Overall, I find your biggest problem is your grammar. You try and use a lot of complex sentences, which is good, but the simple sentences and grammatical errors over shadow the gems that can be found in this piece. The only way to move away from pedestrian writing is to practice, revise and read.

On to the positives…

The ending line:

And so begins the tale of Alkador…

I really like this line even though it is overused throughout history. However, if you leave the first similar line after the prologue the mood and power this line brings will diminish.

The idea is amazing. I am so intrigued. I do not mean to sound rude, but when I go through it and have a hard time reading it because of grammatical problem, it takes away from the quality of the story. If this was written with more prices detail in sensory and structure than it may as well be a masterpiece, because the idea is so damn intriguing. The prologue was a little confusing and the story could probably do without, but the whole idea of having a child to a servant’s daughter, and these weird powers etc. is very intriguing. I am not sure where the story is going, but if you can keep up the intrigue, the idea could very well make a spectacular novel.

I liked how Rakavir was nicknamed Prince of Evil. It makes me think of Satan, which automatically created the character intended in my mind without even describing him. I knew he was cunning, backstabbing, power hungry, etc. And I knew it all from that little nickname that many Christians would relate to Satan (not that he is Satan, but as a character the way people envision Satan may be similar).

Overall, it seems like a story that could keep a reader’s attention if, and only if, the writing can keep their attention. You can have a great story, but it has to be affectively written. Also, before I forget, you had a good use of imagery at times as well (ex.// when he threw the blade across the huge table into Rakivir).

I hope my review is helpful. Please, if you have any question just ask.

Please accept my apologies of not visiting nor helping the club in a long time, but since i moved to Bulgaria, i have not been in the mood of doing anything much anymore. This is something i have written as part of a journal for a forum, and i would like to see some comments on it, thnaks a lot guys.

April 23. Bored. Seems like the only thing that is saving me from a meltdown is my keyboard, the monitor and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers music blasting through my headphones. Ever since I have come to Bulgaria i have lost that point of reference i used to follow in life. Although Sofia is massive, it is locked in itself. Nothing like Skopje, nothing like the life i used to live. Strange how good memories can hurt so much. Strange how every morning you wake up with the same fear and hope wrapped in one package, how you wish that Sofia will become a friendlier city, how you hope that you will get used to it all, and yet how you are afraid of losing Skopje, losing the memories of its dreams and nightmares, exchanging it for other glitz in Bulgaria. Stranger still, how a person who gave up writing a long, long time ago can revert to it in a state of melancholy, posting it on a forum for everyone to read. Maybe that is part of the magic of releasing your emotions to other people which gives you a sense of relief. No. Nonsense. The music is just providing me with a complex state of inspiration. Still nonsense, i guess you have to learn how to give up on things sometimes. I guess you have to at least try to learn, or else things like these will drag you down like a lead weight underwater. Then you drown in a see of emotions so deep, that you cannot resurrect yourself from them. You need another person to do that; a person i found both in Macedonia and Moldova, and were that person to somewhow, god forebid, dissappear, then there would be another number of more or less efficient replacements. A person i have failed to find in Bulgaria. A person that i dont want to find in Bulgaira. Because finding one would mean that i would bring in another point of reference. And i can handle, one, maybe two lives, two points, but a third one would break me. Three lives is too much for anyone to handle. I have become quite a pessimist when coming to Bulgaria. Strange, i always considered myself as quite the dreamer and the optimist in Macedonia. God, only now do i realize how gilded my life was in Skopje, only now when my gold alchemically reversed to base metal. Although the pure human nature is to blame for that, nothing else. Isn't regret the next logical step after realization in the human nature? Yes, both fourtunately and unfourtunately, yes. Soon my watch will ring twelve, and soon all those feelings filling me up will not matter, they will dissappear with the dawn of hope, with that same little spark i have been getting for some months now, but as it is the case since i moved to Bulgaria, there will be exactly nothing there to keep this spark going....

wow you guys STILL here.....wow anyway how is everybody?

At 4/22/05 05:15 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/22/05 05:13 PM, Coop83 wrote: Is it your Birthday?

Yes! No NG members have wished me a happy birthday... *sniff*... not even in the LUL. : P

A belated happy Birthday to you, Myst Williams. Have a drink on me.

At 4/23/05 04:43 PM, lex117 wrote: Please accept my apologies of not visiting nor helping the club in a long time, but since i moved to Bulgaria, i have not been in the mood of doing anything much anymore.

We are glad to have you visit when you can. : )

At 4/23/05 04:47 PM, LordSkeletor wrote: wow you guys STILL here.....wow anyway how is everybody?

Oh ya man, i don't plan on going anywhere. Where have you been? You doing well?

At 4/23/05 05:44 PM, Coop83 wrote: A belated happy Birthday to you, Myst Williams. Have a drink on me.

Roffle! That picture always makes me laugh. You're giving such a misjevious look.

I can see you doing one of those 'Just say "NO" ' commercials where they depict you as the 'peer pressure' guy saying, 'Just a sip. C'mon, it's good' or somthing. lol.

At 4/23/05 06:01 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Review

Thank you very much for spending a long time commenting on my story and such. I might do the same for you as I am glad to have some good feedback. The problem with me when I show my friends my writing is they say that it is 'really good' without any proper suggestions.

You also remind me of the English teacher, who feels that I have the habit of making my sentences 'wordy' or to explain something more words than it requires. Never learning grammar in primary or secondary school, I have always tried to see where I go wrong and haven't really learned the proper sentence structures and names of terms given to particular words and characters, such as prepositions, clauses, colons etc. I suppose reading up on that may give me some backbone towards my story.

I will try to use all the suggestions given and attempt to work on the first chapter to see what I can generate. I'm glad to see that you find it rather good to read. I'll try harder and I hope to improve.

Thank again.

so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now

At 4/23/05 08:15 PM, Rile1 wrote: so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now

If ya wnana join yeha but change club to guildjust so people don't get cnfused :P

and post some stuff so wecna have a look at it or if ya want ,their is a bit of backlog with reviews I believe, scan bakc a few pages and tyr and review a few pieces thta have been submitted.

Myst I'm currently editing eveyrthing I've done so far with Bloodline and hopefully I'll be able to send it ya in an emial by either tommorow or the day after. However I do have a lot of work to do aswell ( I hate essays grrrrrrr ) so if you don't get it its cause Ive had a mental breakdown and have bee amditte dto the local insane asylum.

At 4/23/05 07:15 PM, Alkador wrote: Thank you very much for spending a long time commenting on my story and such. I might do the same for you as I am glad to have some good feedback. The problem with me when I show my friends my writing is they say that it is 'really good' without any proper suggestions.

Well, I am very serious about writing. I want to be a professor of English and also be a writer. It is hard for me not to be judgmental at times. And to be fully honest, I make a lot of the same mistakes you do, but as writers we are too stubborn to notice our own flaws. So it is good to have others who have the same interest read your work. I also find it helpful to leave a piece of writing for a week and then go back to it after you have cleared away all your bias. That is what i do at least.

You also remind me of the English teacher, who feels that I have the habit of making my sentences 'wordy' or to explain something more words than it requires. Never learning grammar in primary or secondary school, I have always tried to see where I go wrong and haven't really learned the proper sentence structures and names of terms given to particular words and characters, such as prepositions, clauses, colons etc. I suppose reading up on that may give me some backbone towards my story.

Well, like i said on your forum, your writing made sense logically and the story idea is so interesting, it is just the problem that you use commas when you are not supposed to and sometimes you do not write complete sentences (fragments). Your wording and imagery is very unique, it is just your grammar that is the problem. So if you can master grammar enough to be a an editor, you will be one hell of a writer on top of how good you already are.

I might go ahead and write up the basics of grammar that you should know and post it here if you like. Then i can notify you in the LUL or on your forum.

I will try to use all the suggestions given and attempt to work on the first chapter to see what I can generate. I'm glad to see that you find it rather good to read. I'll try harder and I hope to improve.

Well i love your attitude. I must admit that that is the attitude of a writer. A writer must be willing to improve to matter what and must be able to take positive criticism. I have no doubt in my mind that you will improve.

Thank again.

It is my pleasure. You have a deffientn talent.

At 4/23/05 08:15 PM, Rile1 wrote: so all I have to do is put Writers Club: writer in my signature?? if so im puting it right now

Welcome to the club. Please post your own writing.

At 4/24/05 04:50 AM, -Manic- wrote: Myst I'm currently editing eveyrthing I've done so far with Bloodline and hopefully I'll be able to send it ya in an emial by either tommorow or the day after. However I do have a lot of work to do aswell ( I hate essays grrrrrrr ) so if you don't get it its cause Ive had a mental breakdown and have bee amditte dto the local insane asylum.

lol, okay. No worries, i am quite bust reading King Lear as of now myself. So whenever you finish you finish, we have lots of time.

COOP, sorry that i have been caught up and not commenting on your piece. I had to do Alks and today i have an editorial to write (yesterday was the party XD)... so i will finish up my notes on the bus ride on Monday and have it done Monday night for sure. I am nearly done compiling my notes, it is just hectic this weekend.

At 4/24/05 12:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: COOP, sorry that i have been caught up and not commenting on your piece. I had to do Alks and today i have an editorial to write (yesterday was the party XD)... so i will finish up my notes on the bus ride on Monday and have it done Monday night for sure. I am nearly done compiling my notes, it is just hectic this weekend.

Cool, I can wait a while longer.

btw, that pic of me was after I'd had a few. You may notice one of the bottles of Southern Comfort had been half drained, by the time I got to taking the picture, adding to the mailce of my picture.

At 4/24/05 03:32 PM, Coop83 wrote: Cool, I can wait a while longer.

Okay, thanks.

btw, that pic of me was after I'd had a few. You may notice one of the bottles of Southern Comfort had been half drained, by the time I got to taking the picture, adding to the mailce of my picture.

lol! It is such a misjevious look. You drunkard...

ummm, not to be a nuissance and all, but no one has commented on my writing :'( at the top of the page, plz do so anyone if you have a chance....

i think he's still got thedarkguardian(my story too) and someone else to do yet. a writer must learn patience.

At 4/24/05 06:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: lol! It is such a misjevious look. You drunkard...

The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.

(We lost by the way)

At 4/25/05 04:51 PM, Coop83 wrote: The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.

lol! Cricket isn't contact is it?

(We lost by the way)

Then it really was not worth it was it?

Here is your review (may be in installements so give me a minute here):

Alright, OMG!, I finished COOP! Yuppers, I finally finished writing all my comments for Chapter II – I sure as hell hope I can fit it all in one post. It looks big on the [paper, but I write big so it probably is no all that bad.

I am not going to do all the negatives first and then the positives like a normally would. I am going to work chronologically for you, because it easier for both of most likely.

Relan sat up on her makeshift bed…

I just had to note that I loved that line. It created a nice image of a shotty straw bed and was almost comedic in a way. It is just amazing wording that gave me a vivid image.

(This is common throughout the universe, as whatever state
someone’s hair is when they go to bed, it will always end up
in an intricate system of knots, resembling Spaghetti Junction
during a rather nasty rush hour accident.)

Wow, with this one, I think it is a little excessive. I think you could have approached this differently. It is almost as if you are demeaning the reader, and the metaphor is somewhat poor to me.

… posthumously and vociferously.

I happen to think I have a large vocabulary, but I had to grab a dictionary for these ones.

… looked about as out of place as a Humming bird studying Particle physics.

Omg! Huh? Sometimes I think you are saying things just to sound smart. I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that a hummingbird would not be studying particle physics, but I think your imagery here is a little outrageous. I don’t find it humorous and I really thin kyou could have come with something more entertaining and relevant that would look out of place.

When they entered, Aldrea jumped up, excitedly, while
Perit stood, leant on his staff and walked slowly over to the desk.

This is a very good comical image. I loved this line.

(Usually one of those family based wars, when it’s all to do with:
‘What Darren said to our Shirley at Jo’s wedding.’ These are
more contained and are more devastating on a local scale.)

This is another too specific and unneeded reference. It seems that the first page has a lot of these odd and obscure (non-entertaining) references. The other pages steer away from that, but these few are really out’a whack in my opinion.

Also I found some small typos (nothing huge) so you may want to read it over once to try and catch them.

Long quote ahead:

Her senses exploded into an array of tastes and smells. Her mind
raced to the far away settlement, known as Norn’s Pass, where the
air was crisp and clear. There was a fresh coating of snow on
the ground and she was standing in the middle of a group of yurts.
A wolf howled in the distance and she could hear someone
chopping down a tree. She opened her eyes and swallowed the liquid.

I had to quote this because I loved it! This was amazing imagery and very beautiful writing.

She sat down, so she could get her senses back.

This line though (shortly after the last) should be taken right out. It kind of killed the mood and it just does not fit in my mind. It really killed the last quote for me and I read the same few paragraphs without that line and I felt it was twice as good without. I would just cut it, though it is up to you.

“Drink up, cos the next few rounds are cheap…

The word ‘cos should be like this: ’cos.

The policing of the anti-explosives laws had become a sticking
point for the city guard some years ago, when it came to
searching Dwarves for any offending articles. It was made a
by-law, three weeks later, that any dwarf who, when watched
for more than 30 seconds, did not explode, was not carrying explosives.)

Omg! Aha, I loved this part. It made me chuckle. It was cleverly written and executed.

“There’s only going to be two men in it… I was providing
shelter for the Half-Orc, Brek. It’s just that I don’t want him
sleeping any closer to me than he has to!”

I liked this bit also. Brings me closer to the characters as real people and less of fantasy-like creatures.

“May Misratx guide your blade to the hearts of your enemies,
Brother. And may Rec’ymur deliver you safely to your destination.”

I thought this was very creatuve – I am assuming you made it up.

Meanwhile, across town, the author launched a sinister plot device.

The author? Is that Renil? I did not quite understand this line.

These clothes were all a shade of shadow.

Everything before this line was great, but the word ‘shade’ and then ‘shadow’ doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe it could be worded differently.

The man led his intruder / employee through…

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

… shall have to see if the open country makes men of them.

Great wording! I loved this line.

“Even the most powerful of mages must resort to little spells,
should the occasion call for it.” We shall not overlook her, just in case.”

I was confused as to what was going on with the quotations here. Mistake?

…his hand over his mouth and drummed his fingers on his cheek.

Part 2 of my review COOP:

Great imagery! I loved this line also.

“I mean for you to kill him and save me my two
thousand Kronep. Do you understand?”

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

There, you will find a merchant, who goes by the name of Vlart Langstrom.

I loved this. Finally! some significant plot development that I can see being achieved. All these questions arrive to me now (don’t actually answer them)… what is going on? Who is he working for? Why is h working for him? Is it like an insurance type thing? A scandal to screw whom? OMG! Excited to find out.

I also wanted to note that I had to look up about 2 or 3 words since the first page, which is a pain in the ass for a reader. And I read quite frequently, so this is odd for me; maybe an overuse of the thesaurus? Or maybe you should lower your diction n your writing for a more general public?

It was he who spoke.

This line is placed oddly making me think one person is about to speak when another in fact does. It should be revised and moved or cut.

looked up at his student quizzically

You forgot a period at the end here is all, but it was hard not to miss and point out.

… but it thinly disguised a deep pit of disgust underneath it.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

With a tear in her eye…

This was actually quite moving. It made me feel as if they had a connection that Corasset did not actually see or feel emotionally attached to. Although, the next paragraph may have went a bit too extreme and ruined the mood for me.

“I thought that Falco columbarius looks much more fetching than Corvus corvax.”

Huh? Another confusing part.

The ending was sick. Corasset is gon’na be in on the fighting? Partners? Attack? Intrigue! OMG! (Don’t actually answer these questions… I want to be surprised.)

You tend to use your brackets oddly, starting anew sentence, which I am nearly certain is grammatically incorrect. It is very confusing at times and leaves me a little dumbfounded and even insulted at times (as if you are talking down to the reader – like that one part I mentioned).

Overall, it is amazing, like OMG! Amazing. lol. There are many great written parts and the bulk of it is written well, but nothing outstandingly shocking yet as for writing. As for plot, I am not even a fan of LOTR or anything so much, but I love this tale and am so intrigued to read on. In end, it is a great piece that I love, but has its little problems that are kind of an annoyance.

I hope this review does help some and if you have any specific question it would be made easier for me to point out flaws that you may have been unsure of. Great job as always!

sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

At 4/25/05 05:42 PM, BigLundi wrote: sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

lol, i like how you said a writer must learn patience and then your quoting above. : )

And if you are referring to COOP's piece, then yesi am done with his, but i am laso done for the day. That took a lot of time to type up etc., and i have a splitting headache (havn't been feeling well all day). If some one doesn't get to yours by tomorrow evening, i will take a look.

I am out for the night though. Sorry.

MANIC, can you get the darkguardians story reviewed - the o nthat BigLundi is speaking of and i will take lex's either later tongith or tomorrow afternoon. It is just they hav e been waiting so long, and my head is pounding too hard to do it right now. Both have been waiting patiently for some time. I would appreciate it if you could.

At 4/25/05 05:55 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/25/05 05:42 PM, BigLundi wrote: sorry if i sound impatient, but are you done with his yet?

lol, i like how you said a writer must learn patience and then your quoting above. : )

yes, well, i thought about that once i wrote it, but thought it might not matter, since it's just a question.

And if you are referring to COOP's piece, then yesi am done with his, but i am laso done for the day. That took a lot of time to type up etc., and i have a splitting headache (havn't been feeling well all day). If some one doesn't get to yours by tomorrow evening, i will take a look.

I am out for the night though. Sorry.

it's alright, i can wait all week if i have to. it's not like i'm going anywhere important.

At 4/25/05 05:29 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 4/25/05 04:51 PM, Coop83 wrote: The ammount of pain I'm in after playing cricket YESTERDAY would indicate that I need the medicinal effects of alcohol, to sooth my aches and pains.

lol! Cricket isn't contact is it?

No, it isn't a cointact sport. I haven't played in a while and it's the muscles which I don't use tightening up after their most active workout in months.

(We lost by the way)

Then it really was not worth it was it?

Don't be so defeatist. I'll be back there, fighting for the win next weekend.

Review hereafter:

Relan sat up on her makeshift bed…

I just had to note that I loved that line. It created a nice image of a shotty straw bed and was almost comedic in a way. It is just amazing wording that gave me a vivid image.

I wasn't even trying to describe it that well. Simple works wonders.

(This is common throughout the universe, as whatever state
someone’s hair is when they go to bed, it will always end up
in an intricate system of knots, resembling Spaghetti Junction
during a rather nasty rush hour accident.)

Wow, with this one, I think it is a little excessive. I think you could have approached this differently. It is almost as if you are demeaning the reader, and the metaphor is somewhat poor to me.

I'll get rid of the Spaghetti Junction part (Busy motorway in Birmingham) but I'll leave the rest.

… posthumously and vociferously.

I happen to think I have a large vocabulary, but I had to grab a dictionary for these ones.

heh, just shows you'll always need a dictionary when I'm about.

… looked about as out of place as a Humming bird studying Particle physics.

Omg! Huh? Sometimes I think you are saying things just to sound smart. I have no idea what you are talking about. I understand that a hummingbird would not be studying particle physics, but I think your imagery here is a little outrageous. I don’t find it humorous and I really thin kyou could have come with something more entertaining and relevant that would look out of place.

I was looking for something totally crazy and off the wall. I'd spent time and a lot of money in the oub with some mates discussing 'stupidly pointless' this was the best one we'd come up with.

When they entered, Aldrea jumped up, excitedly, while
Perit stood, leant on his staff and walked slowly over to the desk.

This is a very good comical image. I loved this line.

Well, in the end, Aldrea looks like an excited child and Perit is acting like a feeble old (er) man, just like his master.

Also I found some small typos (nothing huge) so you may want to read it over once to try and catch them.

She sat down, so she could get her senses back.

This line though (shortly after the last) should be taken right out. It kind of killed the mood and it just does not fit in my mind. It really killed the last quote for me and I read the same few paragraphs without that line and I felt it was twice as good without. I would just cut it, though it is up to you.

Yeah, that'll get edited.

“Drink up, cos the next few rounds are cheap…

The word ‘cos should be like this: ’cos.

Italics don't work in quotes, but I get what you mean.

The policing of the anti-explosives laws had become a sticking
point for the city guard some years ago, when it came to
searching Dwarves for any offending articles. It was made a
by-law, three weeks later, that any dwarf who, when watched
for more than 30 seconds, did not explode, was not carrying explosives.)

Omg! Aha, I loved this part. It made me chuckle. It was cleverly written and executed.

Thanks to Terry Pratchett (Discworld) for the inspiration.

“There’s only going to be two men in it… I was providing
shelter for the Half-Orc, Brek. It’s just that I don’t want him
sleeping any closer to me than he has to!”

I liked this bit also. Brings me closer to the characters as real people and less of fantasy-like creatures.

I'm trying to develop them as I write the story. I'd like the reader to try and have the characters in their mind as a close friend, so they can anticipate what's going to happen. That way, I can do something unexpected later on, mwahahahaha!

“May Misratx guide your blade to the hearts of your enemies,
Brother. And may Rec’ymur deliver you safely to your destination.”

I thought this was very creatuve – I am assuming you made it up.

Partially. I got some help from all the 1950s sword and sandal movies like 'Clash of the Titans' and 'Jason and the Argonauts'

Meanwhile, across town, the author launched a sinister plot device.

The author? Is that Renil? I did not quite understand this line.

No, the author is me. You're thinking too hard on this one. I'm trying to get a Shakespeare-esque narrative going, where there is one narrative for everyone and then a second narrative, for anyone who's bothered really. (He did the second for the poor, who had to stand up in the front.)

These clothes were all a shade of shadow.

Everything before this line was great, but the word ‘shade’ and then ‘shadow’ doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe it could be worded differently.

I wasn't really sure about that myself.

The man led his intruder / employee through…

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

I'll change it, but I'm not quite sure how.

“Even the most powerful of mages must resort to little spells,
should the occasion call for it.” We shall not overlook her, just in case.”

I was confused as to what was going on with the quotations here. Mistake?

Pure and simple typo.

At 4/25/05 05:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Part 2 of my review COOP:

Part 2 of my response, Myst Williams.

“I mean for you to kill him and save me my two
thousand Kronep. Do you understand?”

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

Sometimes, it's better to spell the plot out. Placing a suitably dumb character is easy enough.

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

Just another name, but if it gets a laugh, I'll take the credit.

There, you will find a merchant, who goes by the name of Vlart Langstrom.

I loved this. Finally! some significant plot development that I can see being achieved. All these questions arrive to me now (don’t actually answer them)… what is going on? Who is he working for? Why is h working for him? Is it like an insurance type thing? A scandal to screw whom? OMG! Excited to find out.

Well, this is all because...

I also wanted to note that I had to look up about 2 or 3 words since the first page, which is a pain in the ass for a reader. And I read quite frequently, so this is odd for me; maybe an overuse of the thesaurus? Or maybe you should lower your diction n your writing for a more general public?

I'll look into that.

It was he who spoke.

This line is placed oddly making me think one person is about to speak when another in fact does. It should be revised and moved or cut.

I can see more editing for me.

looked up at his student quizzically

You forgot a period at the end here is all, but it was hard not to miss and point out.

Thanks for that. I even missed it in proof reading.

… but it thinly disguised a deep pit of disgust underneath it.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

I'm trying to psycho-analyse the reader without knowing anything about them at all.

With a tear in her eye…

This was actually quite moving. It made me feel as if they had a connection that Corasset did not actually see or feel emotionally attached to. Although, the next paragraph may have went a bit too extreme and ruined the mood for me.

I'll check that out. Expect better in the second draft.

“I thought that Falco columbarius looks much more fetching than Corvus corvax.”

Huh? Another confusing part.

Falco Columbaris, the Merlin. (What Corasset's familiar flew in as) Corvus Corvax, the Common Raven. (What Corasset's Familar actually was) hope that cleared it up. I was hoping to convince my readers to search and find that out for themselves.

The ending was sick. Corasset is gon’na be in on the fighting? Partners? Attack? Intrigue! OMG! (Don’t actually answer these questions… I want to be surprised.)

You tend to use your brackets oddly, starting anew sentence, which I am nearly certain is grammatically incorrect. It is very confusing at times and leaves me a little dumbfounded and even insulted at times (as if you are talking down to the reader – like that one part I mentioned).

Thanks for that, as always, I'll look into it.

Overall, it is amazing, like OMG! Amazing. lol. There are many great written parts and the bulk of it is written well, but nothing outstandingly shocking yet as for writing. As for plot, I am not even a fan of LOTR or anything so much, but I love this tale and am so intrigued to read on. In end, it is a great piece that I love, but has its little problems that are kind of an annoyance.

I hope this review does help some and if you have any specific question it would be made easier for me to point out flaws that you may have been unsure of. Great job as always!

Thanks for the review, Myst. This really helps me out and I'll get the second draft to you when I'm done. You can give that a going over if you like then, how does that sound?

This is my cheap reply. Instead of commenting on everything, I commented on what seemed more important or what intrigued my interest.

At 4/26/05 05:55 AM, Coop83 wrote:

At 4/25/05 05:29 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

I was looking for something totally crazy and off the wall. I'd spent time and a lot of money in the oub with some mates discussing 'stupidly pointless' this was the best one we'd come up with.

Well, off the wall it was, but not crazy – more… too sane

Thanks to Terry Pratchett (Discworld) for the inspiration.

Aha, fair enough.

I'm trying to develop them as I write the story. I'd like the reader to try and have the characters in their mind as a close friend, so they can anticipate what's going to happen. That way, I can do something unexpected later on, mwahahahaha!

Lol! Well it is working, I must say.

No, the author is me. You're thinking too hard on this one. I'm trying to get a Shakespeare-esque narrative going, where there is one narrative for everyone and then a second narrative, for anyone who's bothered really. (He did the second for the poor, who had to stand up in the front.)

Well, in the first part I remember this odd narrative and it worked well (around the part of the roof jumping), but this time it just caught me for a loop and the narrator spoke of himself in third person – an almost reluctant voice to the reader. It threw me for a loop.

I liked the use of the ‘/ ’ here. It was refreshing. Although I did feel you do not use enough punctuation to create more complex sentences like: ‘;’, ‘-‘, ‘—‘, ‘- -‘, etc. You can really define your writing style with more complexity mixing it up a bit. This can really make your writing more interesting to read at a somewhat slow part of a chapter.

I'll change it, but I'm not quite sure how.

Well, I would not go back and change every living thing, but it is a good habit to create more complex sentences whenever you can because eventually it becomes habit and conforms to your normal way of writing.

The whole scene revolving around that line was great. I had a pretty good image of the scene in my mind. It was very good writing.

Sometimes, it's better to spell the plot out. Placing a suitably dumb character is easy enough.

I couldn’t agree more. : )

I wanted to note that I loved the guy named Billingsworth. I laughed when I saw the name.

Just another name, but if it gets a laugh, I'll take the credit.

Well, it seemed to me that it was not only a play-on-words, but also an ironic twist, seeing as he was the butler.

I loved this line, because you wrote exactly what I was thinking before I read it. You really got into my mind (as the reader) with this scene.

I'm trying to psycho-analyse the reader without knowing anything about them at all.

Lol! You know what I meant though. : )

Thanks for the review, Myst. This really helps me out and I'll get the second draft to you when I'm done. You can give that a going over if you like then, how does that sound?

Sounds great! It was another great read! I loved it.

At 4/26/05 03:42 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Well, in the first part I remember this odd narrative and it worked well (around the part of the roof jumping), but this time it just caught me for a loop and the narrator spoke of himself in third person – an almost reluctant voice to the reader. It threw me for a loop.

This all stemmed from a session of Monty Python (ask Nephthys, she's the world's leading expert) and yet more drinking. We developed a game, where we had to talk in the 'xth' person. Someone said something and the person they looked at had to say 'Said Jim, with a malicious look in his eye.' for example. I tried to encorporate this into the style. I love drinking with games involved.

Well, it seemed to me that it was not only a play-on-words, but also an ironic twist, seeing as he was the butler.

Billingsworth would have been a better name for a taxman, or a waiter, but I thought it worked. I didn't even intend the pun, but thanks for noticing.

At 4/25/05 05:58 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: MANIC, can you get the darkguardians story reviewed - the o nthat BigLundi is speaking of

If it hasn't bene done by tomorow I will. Ive just typed up three essays for school and I'm mentally exhausted. Incidentally if you don't see me aorund as much its cause I'm working my ass off for exams. So yeah I'll try and pop in when i can but I won't be aorund as often for a while :-)

At 4/27/05 04:54 PM, -Manic- wrote: If it hasn't bene done by tomorow I will. Ive just typed up three essays for school and I'm mentally exhausted. Incidentally if you don't see me aorund as much its cause I'm working my ass off for exams. So yeah I'll try and pop in when i can but I won't be aorund as often for a while :-)

Dido on the not being around as much as i'd like to. I am going to try and post here once a day, but that may be pushing it. The year is nearly done and i need to keep up my marks or i will lose my acceptance to university. I think after May is done, i will be back fully and with lots of new lit to post.

Also, i do not have time right now to review, but i have a day off Friday... so tomorrow night i should have ample time to review considering ican sleep in Friday and have not made any plans.

I got to jet for now... so as it stands... i will do lex and Manic will take the other... if you don't manic... i will, it is no problem. I can see you may be stressing a little and school is pretty important nowadays. No education = shitty job (unless you work for yoursefl, then who knows).

Hi, I'm Dave from www.Jacksmack.com. I'm looking for ideas for new cartoons. I posted this under general boards but was told to try here too... so I'm sorry for double posting but I'm thinking this might get some more exposure here.

I'm wanting to make a cartoon series in the vein of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Sea Lab 2021.

I don't want to rip them off but I want to make cartoons based on that formula... oddball cartoons. 5-7 min to start out. Perhaps longer as things go along.

I don't expect to sell the cartoon ideas or anything I just want to make some cartoons so I can put them up on Newgrounds and put them in my portfolio. This is not to say that if there is an act of God and the cartoon sells that I will stiff anyone. You will see money. But don't count on it.

I am a professional Flash artist with a degree in computer animation... So I put effort into my work. But I'm not a writer... so if you can help me your ideas will be done well.

I'm looking for something really off the wall that hasn't been seen before. If you want to give it a shot you can either reply here... or you can email me at
Jack@jacksmack.com

You will be given credit in the cartoon and when it is submitted to Newgrounds.

At 4/28/05 11:25 AM, JackSmack wrote: Hi, I'm Dave from www.Jacksmack.com. I'm looking for ideas for new cartoons. I posted this under general boards but was told to try here too... so I'm sorry for double posting but I'm thinking this might get some more exposure here.

Welcome to the club.

I'm wanting to make a cartoon series in the vein of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or Sea Lab 2021.

Sounds interesting.

I am a professional Flash artist with a degree in computer animation... So I put effort into my work. But I'm not a writer... so if you can help me your ideas will be done well.

Wow, you sound very talented.

I'm looking for something really off the wall that hasn't been seen before. If you want to give it a shot you can either reply here... or you can email me at
Jack@jacksmack.com

I think MANIC might be the best for whacky off the wall kind of writing, but I will look into it also. I will run a quick research on the cartoons you specified, maybe MANIC will pop in soon and throw some ideas at you as well. He is quite funny and talented in that regard.

*****************************************

TO THOSE AWAITING A REVIEW:

I am getting to it tonight. I have the night off until 9:30 (then im going out) so that gives me lost of time to get to any awaiting reviews. I am just going to look up these comics quickly and come back and review.

Hey Jeff saw your site and I think its really cool. I could give you a few ideas becuase I'm not a good flash artist but I want to see soemthing of mine made. ^_^ I sent you an email asking how many people have sent in work to you so I can get a feel for it and hopefully do better on mine.
Email me back so I can bounce some story ideas off you.

Writer's guild.= Writer

At 4/23/05 04:43 PM, lex117 wrote: April 23. Bored. Seems like the only thing that is saving me from a meltdown is my keyboard, the monitor and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers music blasting through my headphones.

An interesting start that caught my attention. Good intro.

Ever since I have come to Bulgaria i have lost that point of reference i used to follow in life. Although Sofia is massive, it is locked in itself. Nothing like Skopje, nothing like the life i used to live. Strange how good memories can hurt so much. Strange how every morning you wake up with the same fear and hope wrapped in one package, how you wish that Sofia will become a friendlier city, how you hope that you will get used to it all, and yet how you are afraid of losing Skopje, losing the memories of its dreams and nightmares, exchanging it for other glitz in Bulgaria.

I thought that maybe making this part a little more confusing would make it wuite interesting. Almost referring to the two cities as woman or loves. Referring to the cities as 'her' because Sofia could ver well be a womans name and it seems that you had a fond love for where you grew up while this new intriguing city can be dissapointing. Just an interesting idea that could play with the reader's mind. It is softly written though, kind and gentle, evnen though somwhat depressing. It reminded me of a doctor who is desperately trying to tell that bad news to a family member as gently as possible.

Stranger still, how a person who gave up writing a long, long time ago can revert to it in a state of melancholy, posting it on a forum for everyone to read. Maybe that is part of the magic of releasing your emotions to other people which gives you a sense of relief. No. Nonsense. The music is just providing me with a complex state of inspiration. Still nonsense, i guess you have to learn how to give up on things sometimes. I guess you have to at least try to learn, or else things like these will drag you down like a lead weight underwater.

The connection from the line above and the next lines amazing. It flows very well here and expresses quite a bit of emotion in such a short time.

Then you drown in a see of emotions so deep, that you cannot resurrect yourself from them. You need another person to do that; a person i found both in Macedonia and Moldova, and were that person to somewhow, god forebid, dissappear, then there would be another number of more or less efficient replacements.

It is hard for me to follow something because i do not know these cities or names, maybe generalizing would help it become a piece for a broader audience.

A person i have failed to find in Bulgaria. A person that i dont want to find in Bulgaira. Because finding one would mean that i would bring in another point of reference. And i can handle, one, maybe two lives, two points, but a third one would break me. Three lives is too much for anyone to handle. I have become quite a pessimist when coming to Bulgaria. Strange, i always considered myself as quite the dreamer and the optimist in Macedonia.

Another great connection. I feel as if you are so desperately trying to convey to me something dear to you, but gently, in hopes not to shock or upset me. I know that that is not what you are really trying to do, but the words and emotions are so dearly desperate in many ways. I am enjoying this free-write.

God, only now do i realize how gilded my life was in Skopje, only now when my gold alchemically reversed to base metal. Although the pure human nature is to blame for that, nothing else. Isn't regret the next logical step after realization in the human nature? Yes, both fourtunately and unfourtunately, yes. Soon my watch will ring twelve, and soon all those feelings filling me up will not matter, they will dissappear with the dawn of hope, with that same little spark i have been getting for some months now, but as it is the case since i moved to Bulgaria, there will be exactly nothing there to keep this spark going....

Great way to sum it up.

It is a great free-write. And a free-write it is. It is vague and very perceptive, but somewhat directionless and misleading. And for some reason i find that these negative characterisitcs seem to add a that negative spin to the nature of the writing, but make a positive - and by validity, not nature - piece of lit outof it. I enjoyed it. I wish it was not so specific to city, unless of course it had the spin of women or city to it... that would also add intrigue. Its emotions are quite strong and it has is gems, but it is only a free-write.

Great job! It is a beautifully written free-write.