At 3/20/05 06:11 PM, WithoutCease wrote:
Fuckin' Nazi.
Shade Shade
Well, I've finally decided to copy and paste a sample of my story work. I have finished one story called the SBTN Air Force. A short action story with my own personal setting and part of the Chronicles of the Shadow series which surrounds a shadowy CEO and his massive powerful corporation that has more than its fair share of trade secrets.
It features characters from other anime/game series and some obscure series as well as original characters based on users from the ADGBC Message Board.
Here goes.
The summary for this story btw. The President and CEO of SBTN has developed a new type of military weapon which could finally bring an end to his own personal war against the ADGBC Military Force. No longer being aided by the Organization on his own personal matter, he takes the fight into his own hands.
The Prelude
"Sir, the package has arrived. ETA is 10 minutes. We have an organization pilot onboard."
"Excellent work, my dears. Any report from our old friends?"
"No sir. The media determined it was a terrorist attack on ADGBC soil. We couldn't cover it up, sir."
"Damn them. It doesn't matter. You've done all you could. But this new weapon will blow them out of the water."
"Your basic signature, eh? You have a bad habit of chasing those who hurt you."
"Of course, Veronica, or should I say, Vice. But let's not forget a few things. First of all, it was bound to happen. The Hind D is designed as a ground attack/support weapon. Secondly, since we're now at open war, as opposed to in secret, I need something that can move much quicker than a chopper."
"And not just anything will satisfy you, will it?"
"Hehehe, you know it. How long has it been?"
"About 9 months."
"And you earned the highest level of my respect for who you are. Its only a shame that I cannot split myself between the both of you."
"You never cease to endow us in your regard, Mr. Saga. Or should I say, Baofu?"
"Like it matters, anyway. They won't be able to stop us once this package comes in. It will be the pride of our hidden Air Force. I just purchased about six support choppers to help us out. 4 Hunters and 2 V-22s. We're going VTOL."
"A good choice, sir. Over 85% of the Organization's Air Force uses VTOL and V/STOL aircraft. You can't build runways underneath a major city."
"True. I'm surprised this project has actually worked. There were only a few successful AV8-B Mk.III prototypes in the OAF."
"And you took an even bigger risk by employing prototype technology and further increasing its capacities, you nearly pushed the limits."
"Its all part of the business game, my dear. You have to push the envelope until it can't take it anymore."
"So some of you have said about the other games you play. Anyway, we'll meet you at the 3S Club at 1600 hours."
"Affirmative. Over and out."
The man in the black overcoat put away his cellphone. Placing it in his jacket pocket, next to his katana concealed on the inside of his overcoat.
He whisked his long hair back, and donning his sunglasses he gazed up at the sky ahead of him. Looking to see any sign of the package that would soon land in here.
Before this, he asked the organization's officers to be trained in the art of piloting fighter jets and planes as opposed to helicopters. He had prepared himself for what he now called a war.
It had been several months since the war against his former comrades. He knew he had to show the ADGBC that he was no longer like the rest of them.
He was a man trained by the organization. An Elite Officer, ranked as a Lieutenant under Lord Stormwarden. Still awaiting the chance to defeat Lord Morrell and become the Third Lord of Justice.
And the Shadow of Vengeance looked on, trained to look for a flash of light which would indicate a plane's cockpit window reflecting the sun.
It took a lot of preparation and time to finally get his freedom to act against his former comrades. A lot of dirty silver-tongue corruption to persuade the Organization's leaders that his war was warranted. He would no longer receive any help from them after this. It was all up to him. The returning President and CEO of SBTN Corporation. Any losses and victories sustained would be in his name and his company.
The public knew him as Kaoru Saga, a Japanese-born businessman from Sumaru City. His American alias was Alexander, named after his mentor.
But in the secretive eyes of war, lust, and terror, he was known and feared... as Shadow Baofu.
He saw the flash of light from the distance, and smiled. He was about to obtain in his hands, the most powerful aircraft ever designed. On the same calibre as Lord Morrell's Retributor, and Lord Stormwarden's Vindicator, he would now become a force to be reckoned with and would punish the ADGBC for their crimes against him.
A few minutes later, he felt a huge gust of wind engulf him, and the whirring sound of a jet engine as a fighter jet, closely resembling a VTOL plane descended down on the main Heliport, where his Hind D once dwelled.
The jet's whine grew louder as the landing gear came down and touched down gracefully on the Helipad. The black jet now landed and began to purr silently to sleep as the engines faded and the turbines stopped whirring.
The pilot opened the cockpit window and leapt down, greeting Baofu as he descended the steps of the Helipad.
"Its all in good order, sir. All systems are go. You could literally test drive this thing."
"Good." Baofu smiled. It was an evil smile, almost terrifying. Accompanied only by the red glare concealed behind his round sunglasses, it had been known to bring men and women to their knees.
"You have my thanks, Colonel Jeffries. Tell the Lieutenant General Helena Stevenson that she has my gratitude."
"Yes, sir." And the pilot exited the roof, heading down to the lobby accompanied by Baofu's guards, dressed in black suits.
Baofu was now alone, to stare at his creation. He felt a surge of marvel as he ascended the steps to the Helipad and circled the black jet.
"You are going to be perfect for what I have in mind for those ADGBC slugs! Look at you." He said deftly, staring at one of the black wings of the jet.
"You're no longer a regular plane. You've become like a shadow of a human." He examined the right wing...
It had the organization's insignia on it; a pair of swords crossed together in front of a skull with the Cross etched on its forehead. In the skull's mouth, the all-seeing eye. Nine familiar symbols outlined the insignia; the symbols of the Nine Senshi. Miniature silver swords lined the inside, in rows and columns, representing the organization's Elite Officers.
"You show so much great promise. And look to it, for you have been chosen by one of the finest soldiers to ever walk this stained, tainted earth." Baofu doubled back and examined the left wing. On the left wing, the words "Mistress of Death" were written in Japanese Kanji, painted bone white.
Both wings had two pairs of ASM rocket pods, and Baofu glanced briefly at the AMRAAM missiles on the wingtips below.
"You're designed to be too good for everyone else. I can sense it even in a lifeless machine like yourself..." He looked at the tail and the rudder. It had a different symbol; Baofu's own insignia.
A blood-stained katana with a black handle, pointed upward and held in place by black succubus wings. On the pommel of the katana, a bolt of lightning lay along the end of the chain at the bottom. Under the canopy, Baofu's name was written in Chinese.
"A shame I can't take you for a spin just yet, my beauty... I have an appointment in the afternoon. But I'll get to you soon, at nightfall, where darkness reigns. You're just like me you know."
Baofu walked off the Helipad, heading towards the roof door. He turned around, staring at his prized jet.
Pretty good Baofu, any chance of seeing the rest of it?
Yeah, once I copy and paste everything. Its a completed story I did a while ago. Kinda has a few flaws but I'll leave you to help me fix it up, since I plan to revise them at some point.
Thanks! :)
NEWGROUNDS GENESIS
The lord created the web template, he then created the the flash movies. Then he got his patsies to make everything else.
He created two beings in his image, pico and assassin. They soon got shunned from many media outings, which spawned many duplicates. The creator decided to restart over and took his creation to the next level.
BRB
At 3/22/05 09:35 AM, TabascoClock wrote: NEWGROUNDS GENESIS
If you want to post here, actually try.
Chapter I: The Mistress Flight
Newgrounds City, Financial Area, 3S Gentlemen's Club, 4pm
Baofu and his two loyal associates tended to their reserved table in the back of the elegant snazzy establishment, each of them taking the time to order their drinks and report their findings and events of the day.
They've been serving Baofu for well over nine months, and since Baofu's exile, they've become much more than mere employees, but trusted friends.
Officially, the two femme fatales act as his confidants. But now with their extensive training, their services expanded as the SBTN Chief's eyes and ears.
From intelligence gathering, to bodyguarding, assassinations, aerial support, they've become far more than friends with benefits.
It had gotten to a point where he had respected the two of them and decided to shirk away from the dark power he drew them to, seeing them become stronger.
After the small-talk they quickly went down to business in the beautiful glass table.
"Mr. Saga." Replied Vice, the brunette. "We have received intelligence from other Organization spies and military blueprint networks that the ADGBC have established an Airstrip in the desert area, close to the underground facility where an Organization base is."
"I see, has there been any word from the Gold?" Replied Baofu.
"No sir." Replied Mature, the silver-blonde. "However, as a high-ranking officer in the Organization, its left to your judgement. You automatically have clearance to wipe them out, especially since some of the Organization's Brass are getting a little edgy."
"You might win a few extra favors for this job." Vice winked.
"Hehe, no, I couldn't do that to an Organization officer. What I did to the Lieutenant General wasn't blackmail, but justifiable. She immediately understood and we made a compromise without any snags." Baofu said confidently as he sipped his glass of red wine, sitting opposite the two ladies.
Baofu stopped himself for a moment.
"Nothing controversial had happened. Not even unofficially. Just a small favor I called in. I saved her life. The US Military nearly screwed her over when they began investigating her whereabouts. She was nearly sold out. I had my men rub them out before they could come close to the truth. Anyone that finds out about the Organization must be executed."
"Getting back to the point, sir." Replied the silver-blonde in her eloquent voice, one that could easily turn from submissive to cruel and seductive in the right octave.
"Sorry. I still haven't gotten over that, have I?"
"Indeed not. We were speaking." Replied Vice, in her cold, slightly deep voice.
"Continue then."
"From the intel we have received, we can assume that you'll expect minimum resistance. You yourself should be able to handle them if they are what you say they are." Vice continued.
"I see. I wanted to go over the video footage of the test data first, but I guess it'll have to wait."
"You've got our word, Baofu. That thing took nearly a dozen SAMs before it lost control. Of course the weapon pods were trashed, but you'll be fine."
"I still find it hard to believe, but I know I can trust you two. Is it true that it has micro-satellite technology?"
"Find out when you target something." Mature replied jokingly, keeping their voices calm as they were trained in the intel business to avoid eavesdropping.
"What time does the operation expect to be complete by?" Baofu asked.
"After sunset. 1800 hours. You don't have time to review the schematics."
"Such a pity. Well, it doesn't matter. We had best get going. I'll foot the bill."
Baofu and the two secretaries paid for their drinks and left, returning to SBTN HQ.
SBTN HQ Heliport, 1630 hours
Baofu stood on the rooftop as night had begun to fall. The black jet staring at him as he ascended the stairs onto the helipad.
"Can you hear me, Baofu?"
"Loud and clear."
"Good, the information on some of the targets has already been transmitted to the jet's HUD. They'll appear immediately once you fly in."
"Understood. Maintain radio silence until I enter ADGBC airspace."
"Affirmative, sir. Good luck."
"I won't need it just yet." Baofu smirked as he opened the cockpit door and climbed inside the jet.
"By the way, sir, one last thing. Have you given a name for this new weapon of yours?"
"Of course, but I have to see if it lives up to my name, then I'll officially christen it."
"Alright. See you when you get there."
"Let's roll." Baofu grinned as he fired up the jet's engines. The thrusters came to life as he began to rise out of the helipad.
"I guess these control the nozzles..." Baofu remembered as he made a few adjustments.
The landing gear was raised and the thrusters began to turn, pointing backwards. In a loud whoosh of wind, the jet took off. And Baofu with it.
Baofu banked to the left with his new jet, circling around the SBTN building, getting a feel for its maneuverability. He decided not to try any fancy moves until he can get used to the plane's speed.
He had piloted a Hind D, and had conformed to its speed to perform complex manuevers, but this jet was much faster.
He circled around the building, and then flew off, climbing upward to do a barrel roll as the jet soon became a trail of wind.
He flew away from the city, and began flying across the desert as the sun fell and the day turned to night.
Twenty minutes later, he heard his radio go off.
"Alright, sir, you're approaching the perimeter of the Airstrip. Now remember the objective. Blow up anything with wings on that base. Take out any resistance. And don't be afraid to do a little collateral. They'll have men posted in the area, so just do your thing."
"I hear you. Kill only 15% of the personnel. This thing's packed with Clusters, you sure that's enough?"
"Of course, and you got a nice kill buffer too. Your ETA is three minutes. Have a nice maiden flight."
"Maiden? This jet is no maiden, she is a cruel mistress ready to dish out some pain to these poor fools!"
"Haha, whatever you say. Have fun." The radio went out.
"Okay, let's do this."
Baofu looked to the left of his HUD and saw a CD player. He pressed the play button and then metal music rung out inside the cockpit.
"Nice... this must be the new album..." He mused as Rammstein music came pouring into the cockpit. The song Moskau was playing as he approached the airstrip.
At once, his radar and HUD began flickering as he saw ground targets in the distance. What astounded him was that he had pinpoint accuracy of the targets ahead. He saw the names of the planes that were on the ground, on the outer HUD display on the upper part of the cockpit windows.
"Baofu, a word of warning, you're on their radar. Its all up to you now."
"I got ya. Engaging the enemy..." Baofu said with a sadistic grin as he pressed one of the console buttons.
"Unidentified aircraft, you are in a restricted area. You are prompted to leave immediately or be engaged." The radio spoke again moments later.
"So you already know I'm here, eh? It won't make much of a difference." Baofu responded and cut off radio transmission.
Below, the base responded, sounding the alarm to scramble their aircraft, but time was running short as ADGBC pilots ran out into the open to their hangars, trying to get to their planes.
Baofu smiled and grinned as he saw units appear on his HUD, they even had names appear on the target reticule. The computer on his right whizzed as it spat out detailed information about the targets he was looking at. But he ignored them and turned on the loud-speaker.
"Your days are numbered, ladies and gentlemen." His voice boomed loudly and intensely, echoing throughout the compound. In an instant, the jet swooped in, dropping unguided rockets across the airstrip.
The rockets were like beautiful flares as they descended towards the ground, creating numerous explosions which illuminated the desert.
Baofu looked and saw several targets disappear from sight.
Below, the carnage was apparent. Jets lining the airstrip were destroyed as Baofu jetted past, and even soldiers were incinerated in the explosions that followed.
Baofu laughed and made one circle around the area, as a couple of planes tried to get off the ground.
Baofu approached the airstrip once more. Feeling bold, he adjusted the nozzles downward and began hovering low to the ground.
He fired his machine gun, a 25mm Vulcan gun placed under the fuselage plyon. It spat out bullets indiscriminately as steel and flesh alike began to scatter. Some of them were unlucky enough to be caught in the line of fire and were shredded to pieces, while the fighter jets and scout planes were being destroyed one by one.
He turned the jet around to focus on the soldiers trying to flee to the compound area, and began scattering them until he saw one of them carry a portable Stinger launcher.
Baofu reacted before the young soldier could pull the trigger. He flew upward, quickly adjusting the nozzles as the missile spat out of its portable cubby and began rocketing towards him.
It was too late, Baofu thought. And he knew it as the missile had already reached him before he could make a pass to the other side of the airstrip.
He felt the missile smack into the jet, causing an explosion and a huge rattle.
He felt a jolt in his seat as the missile struck just above his right wing.
"Not bad." Baofu responded on the loud-speaker, forgetting he had countermeasures onboard. He was only getting used to the plane after all.
Now he needed to destroy the compound area, where the soldiers had gathered, in a bid to send back-up. Baofu had to move quickly; the deadline was approaching and he couldn't stay here for long before he faced reinforcements from other ADGBC military forces.
No new targets popped up on his radar, except for the ones he had on his main HUD. Suddenly his radio spoke.
"Mr. Baofu. You've got a couple flies on your tail, ADGBC planes approaching west, returning from a recon. They'll be calling for reinforcements soon, so I suggest you withdraw. They'll be in your view in five minutes."
"Affirmative, Vice. But not until I test this one little thing." Baofu said with a mock playfulness as he looked at the armament display. "Cluster Bomb: 005 U" He grinned his terrifying sadistic grin.
Baofu remembered these in his Air Force training. Cluster bombs were essentially explosives that were packed with hundreds of miniature bomblets, and were designed as anti-personnel bombs with a huge effective range.
He suddenly heard beeping as he approached the compound. His HUD flashed "Missile Warning" and the beeping began to increase with frequency.
Baofu climbed upward, then banked, making a hard left across the skyline as he dropped a set of flares in his path.
The flares burned brightly in the air as the missiles approached Baofu's jet, causing them to suddenly turn around and strike the burning flares. Baofu breathed relief as the beeping came to a stop and the missiles were destroyed.
Turning around, he saw several ground targets, armed with Stingers, they quickly tried to unload them as much as possible to ward him off. But Baofu only smiled.
The jet flew upward in the air as it passed over the airstrip compound, launching more flares as missiles came out of the ground in his direction, before descending down and thrusting forward.
In one instance of time, everything stood still. Baofu pressed a button as he jetted over the small building, dropping the bombs, they fell out of the bottom of the plane, and burst into smaller canisters.
"DIE!!!" Baofu yelled through the loudspeaker of his jet, his scream of fury and vengeance ringing throughout the battlefield in a terrifying echo. That echo soon followed by a familiar high-pitched whizzing sound in the air.
The soldiers recognized it and tried to run as fast as they could, dropping their missile launchers, others hopped into Jeeps and Patriots and hoped to escape, but it had been too late.
The bombs all landed, across the desert floor and the building. Instantly, several miniature orange balls of flame and light scattered across the airstrip, and the results were devastating to look at.
A huge plume of smoke shrouded the entire ground, and Baofu could only watch the ground targets vanish from his HUD and radar. He could not help but hold a moment of silence before he laughed. A deep, dark and cold laugh, neither maniacal nor frequent. His voice rang like the Grim Reaper himself throughout the night sky.
I should add some pics here.
This is the pic of the Shadow Harrier. It looks like a normal Harrier except painted black and with larger wings.
And here is a cluster bomb, well, probably not the best pic, but I do with what I can find; if I could draw I could do a much better job. Just picture something like this, over a huge wide area, and you'll see what I mean.
Sorry i am not around a shit load lately, i have my scirpt coming due and i re-did the whole damn thing and have been busy since.
Anyway, just a reminder that the World of Roleplay is back up... so please join and have fun!
I didnt finish the chapter.... I was hoping to just get people to look at teh link since its all on one page, but meh.
I cut out some parts of the story, the ones that were kinda crappy (like launching a pair of AMRAAM missiles at a single person)
The jet whooshed away, Baofu's mission complete.
At 1800 hours, The SBTN Chief returned to the city. Over NG Government Airspace as he landed the jet in the main helipad and opened the cockpit door to exit.
Vice and Mature awaited his arrival on the roof as he stepped down.
"Nicely done. You did well giving them a taste of our new power."
"You were excellent. That was just the test run, no less." Both of them said in turn.
"Not too bad. But I must say. Their soldiers are sure persistent. If only their officers had felt that way. Instead of lounging around like they own the entire country. Such a shame." Baofu said as he took off his overcoat and walked with them to the elevator heading down to the lobby.
"Do you anticipate a counter-attack?" Vice asked.
"They can't attack SBTN HQ, remember? We're under NG Government protection. If they bombed HQ to the ground, they'd be toast. I just so happen to be gifted at making deals with politicians. Our corporation has contributed to the federal budget thanks to Organization reimbursements. One hand passes to another, and then to another."
"You've certainly planned all this out."
"Yes, and I won't stop until the ADGBC surrenders. I want the heads of every ADGBC C.O. and I want them to recognize the force that is SBTN."
"What is your next move?"
"We wait and lay low. Send in a dozen vans with our men to secure the airstrip before the ADGBC does. We can use it."
"What for?"
"Why else? I've been wanting to create an Air Force specifically designed to be the Organization's sword. The SBTN Air Force project is now underway. And with this new weapon, not much will be able to stand in our way.
"Just watch it. Don't create more collateral than you need to, or you'll have the Organization to answer to."
"True, I doubt this thing will be able to handle Storm's Vindicator. We'll talk more about this tomorrow afternoon. Shall we head back to your places?"
"Why, of course."
They stopped for a moment as the elevator opened.
"What do you think?" Vice asked once more. Baofu knew the answer.
"I think its worthy of the name. The Shadow Harrier."
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Stay tuned next chapter!
At 3/22/05 06:08 PM, WithoutCease wrote:At 3/22/05 09:35 AM, TabascoClock wrote: NEWGROUNDS GENESISIf you want to post here, actually try.
I was writing full stores pages ago, so be quiet.
Random Story continued from pages ago:
Roger starts off with a chocolate sundae, he noticed that the sundae had strawberry sauce on it. He took it back to the Dairy Queen cashier, he threatened him with stoning if he didn't recieve a sundae that didn't have the evil sauce. He complied and soon went to party at the bay. It was spring break that evening so it was his destiny to return to the beach. After he arrived at the beach he noticed that the sand was beige. He disliked that so he bought out the local food colouring store. After he made the beach look like hippie hangout he went to go slay newspaper boxes. He was guided by the sword of mistrust. He striked the Times newspaper box with all his might. He didn't want to lose this fight, before he knew it the box lost. So he journeyed to the pet shop to purchase frozen mice for his necklace. A few gropes later he got crunk and danced to some music.
TBC
I am in a rush again, but i wrote this on the bus today, so here ya go:
It is very symbolic.. do you see the theme? ^_^
NOFCALOSTI
I am so - In
I am connected beyond this world
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And in you will be
When i do retreat
To - You
I am so - Touch
I am warm and upright armed
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And God reach for me
For you all will see
Love - You
I am so - Still
I am frozen in your arms
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And hold dear to me
I will always be
In - You
I am so - Out
I am purposed and alive
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And my life will breathe
'Til eternity
With - You
I am so - Light
I am weightless by time's side
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
Spirit deep in me
Sees the guarantee
True - You
I am so - Above
I am lifted up so high
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And beyond the sea
Everlasting glee
By - You
I am so - Calm
I am thinking without thought
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
I am this you see
Not a burden plea
Help - You
I am so - Free
I am here, but now I'm gone
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And falls all debris
Not the heart you seek
But - You
I am so - On
I am right and still quite wrong
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And all good is thee
While democracy
Bills - You
I am so - Numb
I am sensless on my own
Please be the Life
This is the moment I have strived
And fall to one knee
Front your dynasty
Its - You
At 3/23/05 04:37 AM, unowned wrote: I was writing full stores pages ago, so be quiet.
Be quiet? Just because you posted a full story sumodd pages ago doesn't mean that you can just post a stupid 4 liner.
This is a poem i wrote to try to see if i can get it posted in my yearbook don't pay attention to the names alot
This is pretty weird
The beginning of the end
High school can be hard
So stick with your best friend
High school will be hard
But we’ve been taught by the best
Will finish high school with ease
Because we were better then all the rest
I would like to thank the people
Who helped us along the way
First the greatest principal alive
Of course it’s Mr. K
Then there’s the Vice Principal
Mr. Dolan who is pretty tall
Which helps him with his game
When he beats you in Basketball
Mrs. Coogen the guidance consoler
Who helps if your in trouble
And if you were in harms way
She’d be there on the double
Ms. Nelson is the teacher
Of room 4001
And if your good in her class
Your have a lot of fun
Mr. Profenna most likely is
The funniest teacher in school
He has taught the whole 8th grade
That science can be cool
Mr. Nogueras teaches social studies
As the smartest history guy
I mean this in a good way
With no offence to Mr. Y
Math confuses me a lot
My Brain gets all twirled
But luckily Mrs. LaPoint
Is the best math teacher in the world
These teachers are the best
They’ve opened up the gates
All the students at the school are lucky
Because there the best of all the states
I'm going to write a poem in German.
I'll post it maybe monday that give me time to translate the grammer. Their type of sentace wording is very different.
Is there anyone else that speaks German in here?
At 3/23/05 05:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: NOFCALOSTI
Nice poem, but what exactly does the word 'Nofcalosti' mean? Is it an Acronym? Enlighten me, Myst.
At 3/24/05 10:44 AM, Coop83 wrote:At 3/23/05 05:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: NOFCALOSTINice poem, but what exactly does the word 'Nofcalosti' mean? Is it an Acronym? Enlighten me, Myst.
Nothing gets past you, it is an acronym (well a reverse acronym)... and if i were to give it a personal meaning the definition would look like this:
Nofcalosti - A divine state in which the individual transcends life itself and attains an ineffable wisdom of eternal ecstasy, inspiration and enlightenment.
Took me a good few seconds to come up with that one, normally i am quick off the draw at coming up with dictionary definitions.
At 3/24/05 10:44 AM, Coop83 wrote:At 3/23/05 05:31 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: NOFCALOSTINice poem, but what exactly does the word 'Nofcalosti' mean? Is it an Acronym? Enlighten me, Myst.
ROFFLE. I am so dumb. I gave that definition to be a wise ass, but reading your post again I now see you beat me to it. You said, 'Enlighten me, Myst' AHA! you little fucker. ^_^ You are too clever.
At 3/24/05 04:18 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: ROFFLE. I am so dumb. I gave that definition to be a wise ass, but reading your post again I now see you beat me to it. You said, 'Enlighten me, Myst' AHA! you little fucker. ^_^ You are too clever.
My mind is a dangerous thing. Sometimes it's so sharp, I cut myself.
Hey Myst, while you're on could I get a review on that short story I posted on the last page? Thanks.
At 3/24/05 05:21 PM, BillyTalent wrote: Hey Myst, while you're on could I get a review on that short story I posted on the last page? Thanks.
Wow, well i wish i had of read it before. Thanks for reminding me, i forgot all about it, though i swear i wrote it down somewhere.
Anyway, Positives:
Amazng imagery. The very details scenes became an enviroment while the slightest details proposed a beautiful image. Even when you simply described the theif and his axe and said it was strapped to his back was enough to give me a beautiful image (you just wrote it so well).
I like the idea and plot (though not amazing). It is good for a short story. It was somewhat creative and it was not predictable. There was little to actually read which was nice, because you got so much done in such little space, but certain things were as foggy as the forest. I just felt like i met the character but knew nothing of him except that he was a theif and on the run. I am not sure exactly what it is missing, but more character development could add to the overall experience.
Negatives:
You may have to be a reader to enjoy this. And this is because there is little dialogue (this is not bad, but can grow tiresome for someone who is not an avid reader), though your lack of dialogue does fit this piece i must say. It depnds who your readers are, if they are pop fiction -once and a while - readers, you need more character devlopment and dialogue. If they are avid readers who like to read for the sheer beauty of writing, then this is perfect; for its writing is very, very beautiful.
There are some coma splice errors and the odd other grammatical error. I make plenty of erros when i write in a forum, but a written piece has to be perfect. I do 4 editing stages on my own, and try and get 1 to 2 other people to edit it. And i dont mean freinds, i mean like someone who reads a lot or an english teacher of mine. It might be good to ask an english teacher just to do a quick edit.
Um, i am really tired right now, i was up until 2 last night and woke up at 5:30, so i cant think straight right now. lol. So if i missed anything, i apologize, you may find me coming back in with little comments i remember later on. I am that tired.
However, overall, it is impressive. I honestly did not expect something that good. And by good, i mean your writing. Your wording and imagery is beautiful. Your plot is average to above-average. You are an amazing writer, but the idea - the whole concept - was somewhat boring. I continued reading simply because i wanted to know how you would write the next paragraph, not because i was curious about what would happen to the theif. I think you said this is for a competition (?), and in my mind, it is a piece that could win a compeition for sure. It is beautifully written. However, for the future, try and be more original and come up with ideas that are not so... well... common. There was no real climax and no shock factor. The intensity just didnt get me. Also... one more thing i think you should add is: a description of how the knights dissappear from the air - it seemed that they all died in one sentence, which felt weird. Even though, i think you meant to do that because a dragon's breath is probably such an instant kill; i just feel you should have said one or two more sentences about the knights' deaths before getting into the theif having a hard time breathing (which was brilliant by the way).
Im blabbering, so i will stop. It is a great peice of lit. I am truly impressed and i hope my long and tired review somehow helped you. Ignore any spelling and grammar erros etc, im too lazy to read it over again. Im going for a nap now, finally. Later. ^_^
My apologies for my absence from the club for I have been writing little lately. Only fragments here and there, nothing substantial. To keep active I'll post something old, and I can't remember if I posted it here or not, so I apologize if you have already seen it.
I’ve always been partial to steel.
Why not indulge?
Just do it.
It’s the only way I could ever heal.
Of course there would be sadness.
Heartless tears shed of blind eyes.
Like it would matter.
Like anyone would remember my demise.
Maybe a few friends, and that’s all.
My story would be a lesson.
Devoid of character.
Merely a lesson designed to prevent this from happening again.
I’d be laughing all the while.
Sitting down below.
How they run about
With no regard to emotion.
Locking it away, and masking it.
Wearing the façade of stable.
When stability is a curse.
Stuck in a routine.
I want to break away.
Escape from the cycle.
Take off the mask.
Then maybe someday,
Years from now they’ll notice.
They’ll throw away the masks too.
They’ll join me.
They’ll be free.
_____________________________________________________________________
NOt my best.
_____________
Oh and someone asked, I can't speak German, But I speak Spanish and Dusadlela. And a smidgen of Elvish.
A poem I made to brush up my skills. Please review.
Experimental Love
A first
By: Michael A. Zackular
We're all alone with nothing to do
Virgins of the fact that love is true.
I glance over, our eyes lock.
We have enough time, we can beat the clock.
I part my lips and start to say,
"I love you in each and every way.
So will you be my love tonight?"
I see her eyes, "No need for fright."
We lean forward, we start to kiss
Says she, "I love you, and I'm loving this!"
So all night we are arm in arm
And I am the man who protects her from harm.
I am the one who stops her pain,
Keeps her dry in the pouring rain.
And she fills me with love anew.
And being with her is all I wish to do.
Despite my dislike for love poems, I admit that I am truly impressed by your work.
Keep it up!
You know what I find weird? Every time someone writes a poem, I feel the urge to write one back, I have no idea why.
Here's a quick Haiku.
A cold, lonely man
Naught to live for save sheer lusts
Betrayed by romance
At 3/24/05 05:54 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: review
Thanks a lot! The only reason that there isn't much dialogue and character development is because there was a 2000 word limit for the competition. I'll probably rewrite it and add a lot to it. Thanks again!
At 3/25/05 11:32 PM, WithoutCease wrote: A poem I made to brush up my skills. Please review.
Will do.
We're all alone with nothing to do
Virgins of the fact that love is true.
I think one more syllable might help after is... read it aloud and try some things out, i may be wrong. I was think of something like: quite, so. Just a thought.
I glance over, our eyes lock.
We have enough time, we can beat the clock.
I like so far.
I part my lips and start to say,
"I love you in each and every way.
So will you be my love tonight?"
I see her eyes, "No need for fright."
lol, the word fright is kind of cheesy. Not very authentic, but nothing else really rhymes. I like how you are adding dialogue to your poetry now. I too do the same thing when ican, i love to tell a story in verse. I like this stanza a lot.
We lean forward, we start to kiss
Says she, "I love you, and I'm loving this!"
So all night we are arm in arm
And I am the man who protects her from harm.
Also kind of corny, but maybe true love is simply that. Know that you are there for each other, no matter what. Still good though.
I am the one who stops her pain,
Keeps her dry in the pouring rain.
And she fills me with love anew.
And being with her is all I wish to do.
The whole poem is well written, but i said it once and i will once more. When doing love poetry, you have to be far more original. Your poem is very good and i enjoyed its light read and clever wording, however, love is as cliche as most colloquialisms; and you have to approach love more uniquely if you want to 'wow' a reader. Very good though. You keep improving. : )
At 3/26/05 02:27 AM, BillyTalent wrote: Thanks a lot! The only reason that there isn't much dialogue and character development is because there was a 2000 word limit for the competition. I'll probably rewrite it and add a lot to it. Thanks again!
Ahh, ya word limit can be a bitch. Well if that is the case, it may be perfect to submit as it is. However, for yourself, i would - after submitting it - add to it anyway and re-post it for us. You really did accomplish a lot it 2000 words. It was an impressive piece.
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