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At 3/18/05 06:13 PM, -Manic- wrote: Sunday is when WOR will be open for business hopefully.

OMG! That's almost as hot as Myst!

Thank god the weekend is here! I needa break from school :-(

Well, I was out of school today, so MUHAHA!

At 3/18/05 06:19 PM, WithoutCease wrote: OMG! That's almost as hot as Myst!

I will take your word for it mate :P

Well, I was out of school today, so MUHAHA!

yeha well Im on holidays on Thursday and I have the day off on Monday!

At 3/18/05 06:18 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: The description does not have to be massive, just do what you can. And i'd like to edit it/post it, if that is alright with you (along with the chararcter profile sheet)... or you can post it, but i'd like you to email it to me when your done so i can edit it first. That cool? (I dont plan on changing content, just read it before it goes up and edit any spelling/grammar i find)

No problem I'll try and get it done for tommorow and then I'll send it to you.

At 3/18/05 07:05 PM, -Manic- wrote: No problem I'll try and get it done for tommorow and then I'll send it to you.

Awesome.

************************************

I need help all. I have never written a script before, and i hate not being able to describe things. This is a project for school and i started writing it and i have no idea what to do next. Iknow it sucks, but that is why i am here searching for help.

Script
Gabriel: I finally figured out who you are.
Voice: Congratulations! Now figure out who you are.

(10 minutes earlier)

Voice: What are you doing, Gabriel?
Gabriel: Who is that?
Voice: I think you know who; you pathetic piece of shit.
Gabriel: Who are you? What are you doing in my home? Answer me! Who are you?
Voice: You’re sadder than I thought. Now unlock the door, Gabe.
Gabriel: No! Get outta my house!
Voice: Open the door, Gabe!
Gabriel: Go fuck yourself!
Voice: Heh, irritable today, are we? You can’t stay locked in this bathroom forever.
Gabriel: (silence)
Voice: You’re worthless, you know that? You’re a bloody quack.
Gabriel: Shut up! Just shut up!
Voice: I’m sorry, man. Listen, I saw your wife today.
Gabriel: You did?
Voice: Sure I did, and your daughter too.
Gabriel: Are they okay?
Voice: Oh ya, your daughter is very beautiful. Is she sixteen now? I bet all the guys really like to handle her.
Gabriel: No, they don’t.
Voice: I am sure they do, Gabe. She has really grown into herself.
Gabriel: No!
Voice: She is sexy; a trampy little thing.
Gabriel: (abruptly bangs on door) NO!
Voice: Am I upsetting you, Gabe?
Gabriel: Go to hell.
Voice: You don’t mean that. C’mon now, who are we trying to kid?
Gabriel: You’re sick.
Voice: I’m sick! Look at yourself, Gabe. Look in that bloody mirror. Your wife is dead you stupid shit, and your daughter too. You’re insane!
Gabriel: No they’re not! Don’t lie to me.
Voice: They’re not, eh? Think about it, Gabe. Don’t you remember? You were driving. You killed them both you murderer.
Gabriel: No! That never happened.
Voice: What? Was it all a bad dream, Gabe? Think hard and long.
Gabriel: No, no, no. Please God, no.
Voice: Took you longer than I thought, I will admit.
Gabriel: Is this some kind of twisted game for you? Who are you?
Voice: We both know you know who I am. All you have to do is unlock that door.
Gabriel: I’m scared.
Voice: You are absolutely useless. Open the goddamned door, Gabe!
Gabriel: Don’t tell me what to do!
Voice: You’re like a little child.
Gabriel: I’m scared.
Voice: Scared of what?
Gabriel: Of being alone.
Voice: You’re not alone. I’m here. I will always be here. Here to remind you how fucking insane you are.
Gabriel: I’m not insane!
Voice: Really Gabe?

Basically, the voice is Gabe, he is talking to himself...

So tell me what parts are really bad, and what you guys think should be changed, and where you think i should go with this. I need mad brainstorming, i am horrible at scripts and need help. Also, point out any really good parts to, so i can emphasize around those lines or ideas etc...

This scirpt is due next Tuesday i think, but i want to get it done before the end of the weekend. Also, i havnt edited it yet, so if there is any editing you want to note, i am cool with that also. As of right now, it is only a free write... i havnt even read it over yet.

Thanks all my pals. aha... im fucked. XD

This poem has a message in it. I don't exactly know what it is right now, but I'll find out what it means eventually.
__________________________________________
Sway
Worded confusion
By Michael A. Zackular

You look at me from far away
You look at me with nothing to say
You look at me and I don't know why
You look away and I wanna die...
I can't help but feel this way
Feel like you hate me every day
You're light as a feather, too
And I'm trying to tether you
But you just keep blowing away..
Maybe I'll find you again another day...

At 3/18/05 08:02 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 3/18/05 07:05 PM, -Manic- wrote: No problem I'll try and get it done for tommorow and then I'll send it to you.

Awesome.

************************************

I need help all. I have never written a script before, and i hate not being able to describe things. This is a project for school and i started writing it and i have no idea what to do next. Iknow it sucks, but that is why i am here searching for help.

Script
Gabriel: I finally figured out who you are.
Voice: Congratulations! Now figure out who you are.

(10 minutes earlier)

Voice: What are you doing, Gabriel?
Gabriel: Who is that?
Voice: I think you know who; you pathetic piece of shit.
Gabriel: Who are you? What are you doing in my home? Answer me! Who are you?
Voice: You’re sadder than I thought. Now unlock the door, Gabe.
Gabriel: No! Get outta my house!
Voice: Open the door, Gabe!
Gabriel: Go fuck yourself!
Voice: Heh, irritable today, are we? You can’t stay locked in this bathroom forever.
Gabriel: (silence)
Voice: You’re worthless, you know that? You’re a bloody quack.
Gabriel: Shut up! Just shut up!
Voice: I’m sorry, man. Listen, I saw your wife today.
Gabriel: You did?
Voice: Sure I did, and your daughter too.
Gabriel: Are they okay?
Voice: Oh ya, your daughter is very beautiful. Is she sixteen now? I bet all the guys really like to handle her.
Gabriel: No, they don’t.
Voice: I am sure they do, Gabe. She has really grown into herself.
Gabriel: No!
Voice: She is sexy; a trampy little thing.
Gabriel: (abruptly bangs on door) NO!
Voice: Am I upsetting you, Gabe?
Gabriel: Go to hell.
Voice: You don’t mean that. C’mon now, who are we trying to kid?
Gabriel: You’re sick.
Voice: I’m sick! Look at yourself, Gabe. Look in that bloody mirror. Your wife is dead you stupid shit, and your daughter too. You’re insane!
Gabriel: No they’re not! Don’t lie to me.
Voice: They’re not, eh? Think about it, Gabe. Don’t you remember? You were driving. You killed them both you murderer.
Gabriel: No! That never happened.
Voice: What? Was it all a bad dream, Gabe? Think hard and long.
Gabriel: No, no, no. Please God, no.
Voice: Took you longer than I thought, I will admit.
Gabriel: Is this some kind of twisted game for you? Who are you?
Voice: We both know you know who I am. All you have to do is unlock that door.
Gabriel: I’m scared.
Voice: You are absolutely useless. Open the goddamned door, Gabe!
Gabriel: Don’t tell me what to do!
Voice: You’re like a little child.
Gabriel: I’m scared.
Voice: Scared of what?
Gabriel: Of being alone.
Voice: You’re not alone. I’m here. I will always be here. Here to remind you how fucking insane you are.
Gabriel: I’m not insane!
Voice: Really Gabe?

Basically, the voice is Gabe, he is talking to himself...

So tell me what parts are really bad, and what you guys think should be changed, and where you think i should go with this. I need mad brainstorming, i am horrible at scripts and need help. Also, point out any really good parts to, so i can emphasize around those lines or ideas etc...

More build up would be a good thing I think. Instea dof just starting it off with Gabriel Relaising who he is speaking to start it off with him talking to himself (and being aware of it) about his daughter or whatever and then mvoe onto the whole halluciantion/voice in head thing.

As for really good bits....well no offence myst but I couldn't find anything that really stood out as being betetr or worse than everythign else.

I know this may sound weir dbut try writing down what you wnat to happen as though you were writing as part of a story and then transfer it into a script.

At 3/18/05 08:07 PM, WithoutCease wrote: Sway

that was really good Its seems to me as thouhg this was written as though you've lost soemthing important in your life?

At 3/18/05 08:09 PM, -Manic- wrote:

lol! Mad quoting...

More build up would be a good thing I think. Instea dof just starting it off with Gabriel Relaising who he is speaking to start it off with him talking to himself (and being aware of it) about his daughter or whatever and then mvoe onto the whole halluciantion/voice in head thing.

Alright, i thin kthat sounds like a good idea.

As for really good bits....well no offence myst but I couldn't find anything that really stood out as being betetr or worse than everythign else.

So basically it all sucks. : P
Well, my script writing is like 10 grades below my fiction lit... i hate scripts, but i have to do it to get the credit. I am trying my best, but that is also why i am here seaking help.

I know this may sound weird but try writing down what you wnat to happen as though you were writing as part of a story and then transfer it into a script.

Hmm, elaborate? I am not sure i fully understand what you mean.

At 3/18/05 08:12 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: So basically it all sucks. : P

lol no i didn't say that grnated it snot on par with your other writing but its better thna a lot of othe rpeople could do i suppose.

Hmm, elaborate? I am not sure i fully understand what you mean.

what I mena is write out whatyou wnat to happen in a short story so using paragaphs descriptions etc and then when you have finished wriitng the short story of what you wnat to happen read through it and transfer all the dialog and character actions into a script. I did that when i ahd to write a script once and it helped me out a lot.

At 3/18/05 08:22 PM, -Manic- wrote: lol no i didn't say that grnated it snot on par with your other writing but its better thna a lot of othe rpeople could do i suppose.

No need to be kind, i can take the pain.

what I mena is write out whatyou wnat to happen in a short story so using paragaphs descriptions etc and then when you have finished wriitng the short story of what you wnat to happen read through it and transfer all the dialog and character actions into a script. I did that when i ahd to write a script once and it helped me out a lot.

Oh okay. Ya, i will do that all tomorrow then (i took the day off to write)... Also ,what is good, is my teacher does not want character actions, just dialogue, so that should cutdown some work for me.

On another note. I planned out my entire lit career today. Every novel idea i have is listed beside a date that it should be done. I have 93 novels to do from now until i am 70... and i even tok into account the years i am in school, and what aspects of my life i wil lexperience by when to enhance my writing of each novel (example: marriage, child, etc)... lol, i know it probably sounds weird, but it is a 4 pages document in Word (10 font) of my entire literary career. I planned everything out. XD I loved it. Now all i have to do is stick to the dates, and not die before i am 70.

At 3/18/05 08:38 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: No need to be kind, i can take the pain.

ok then. it sucks....really badly :P

On another note. I planned out my entire lit career today. Every novel idea i have is listed beside a date that it should be done. I have 93 novels to do from now until i am 70... and i even tok into account the years i am in school, and what aspects of my life i wil lexperience by when to enhance my writing of each novel (example: marriage, child, etc)... lol, i know it probably sounds weird, but it is a 4 pages document in Word (10 font) of my entire literary career. I planned everything out. XD I loved it. Now all i have to do is stick to the dates, and not die before i am 70.

errrrrrrrr hatever floats ya boat mate? Personally I don't see how its possible to plan out everythign liek that as you don't know what the future will hold for you.

At 3/18/05 08:48 PM, -Manic- wrote: ok then. it sucks....really badly :P

Harsh...

errrrrrrrr hatever floats ya boat mate? Personally I don't see how its possible to plan out everythign liek that as you don't know what the future will hold for you.

Huh? I planned out the novels i will write... OHHH... you're talkin about the marriage etc comment, no no, i didnt plan out when those things will happen... lmao (i may never get married, who the fuck knows)... i meant that if i do get married it will probably be before i am 40 (most likely, hopefully WAY before)... so any book i thought i would be able to write better having gone through the marriage process i planned to be written sometime after 40. Get it now?

No no, i didnt plan my life... just what years i will write which novel... the hard part was cutting down my list of 189 novel ideas down to 93.... i combined a few similar ideas though, which made life easier.

Anyway, i am off for the night.

At 3/18/05 08:58 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Harsh...

yes but you did sya ot be truthful :P

Huh? I planned out the novels i will write... OHHH... you're talkin about the marriage etc comment, no no, i didnt plan out when those things will happen... lmao (i may never get married, who the fuck knows)... i meant that if i do get married it will probably be before i am 40 (most likely, hopefully WAY before)... so any book i thought i would be able to write better having gone through the marriage process i planned to be written sometime after 40. Get it now?

lol even so the fact your planning out all those novels is a bit of major foresight.For all you knowyou might be part of a car accident when youare 35 and have to spend 6 months in hospital and might be unable to write for another6 months so that would effectivley remove one of thsoe books form your schedule. Having a lsit of ideas that you wanna turn into novels is a good diea I think but plannign what eyar you are going to write them........is a bit far fetched for me as you can't predict the future.

No no, i didnt plan my life... just what years i will write which novel... the hard part was cutting down my list of 189 novel ideas down to 93.... i combined a few similar ideas though, which made life easier.

Anyway, i am off for the night.

At 3/18/05 09:03 PM, -Manic- wrote: lol even so the fact your planning out all those novels is a bit of major foresight.For all you knowyou might be part of a car accident when youare 35 and have to spend 6 months in hospital and might be unable to write for another6 months so that would effectivley remove one of thsoe books form your schedule. Having a lsit of ideas that you wanna turn into novels is a good diea I think but plannign what eyar you are going to write them........is a bit far fetched for me as you can't predict the future.

You are a very odd little man. Okay, so i am in the hospital.. so everything gets bumped 6 months. I could die tomorrow and not even finish my first. You make it sound like it is written in stone. It is a plan, no one ever 100% follows the plan. Things always come up. lol, i think you're crazy, because i dont undertsand you logic. Maybe it is a brit thing. : P

I'm not getting an indepth review...

Is the world but crumbling!?
*runs and hides*

I gave up on the story I still have a lot more to post of it though I'll do it tommorow

"CaptainT

BTW: could you tell Myst_Williams that I'm banned and get him to e-mail me? You can find him in either the Writer's Guild or the NG Fraternity. Thanks"

A bit of email I got from him. So.. yeah.

At 3/18/05 10:05 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: You are a very odd little man. Okay, so i am in the hospital.. so everything gets bumped 6 months. I could die tomorrow and not even finish my first. You make it sound like it is written in stone. It is a plan, no one ever 100% follows the plan. Things always come up. lol, i think you're crazy, because i dont undertsand you logic. Maybe it is a brit thing. : P

No its not a brit thing tis a me thing really.

Btw Im emailing you the intro to WoR in afew minutes if you wanna make soem changes or re wrodbits you can.

I dunno if yuo guys know but ef is planning on making a new verison of radiogrounds called round sound and Icve been asked to try and coem up with soem comedey sketches and ads that could be used in the shows. Ive also been told tot ry and get soem mroe people involved so I was wodnering if any of you guys was interested in coming up with some scripts for comedy ads and skeches :-)

ZING! review please I too a lot of time on this so I'd like some decent reviews please ;-) It started off as a poem but I decided to turn it into lyrics for a song if its decent I might try and incorporate it into my Music compostiion I ahve to do for my GCSE.

Masquerade

When light breaks in and shows your face
You walk away with a quickened pace
To hide the torment in your soul
You shake in fear like a rag doll.

The mask you wore has been ripped off
Light shines down and destroys the shade,
That hid your face in life’s masquerade.

With pain and torment and suffering from soul
You dance through the nights of ages old
But from moments past and seconds to come
The masquerade continues on.

With face revealed by morning light and
Nothing quite seeming right
You remove the mask that binds your soul
But the masquerade continues on.

The mask you wore has been ripped off
Light shines down and destroys the shade,
That hid your face in life’s masquerade.

With pain and torment and suffering from soul
You dance through the nights of ages old
But from moments past and seconds to come
The masquerade continues on.

With one last glance you move on
Form age old traditions and age old song
You remove the mask that binds your soul.
A unique action at the masquerade ball.

I just wrote a short story for a competition in my school. I was hoping to get a second opinion before snding it in. Anyone care to review it? It's pretty long so I'll have to double post.

Thief's Luck Part one

The heavy rain had long since soaked through his light armor to
the clothing beneath as the yawning cave mouth reared out of the
darkness, the slimy vines dangling from an overhang above the entrance
dripping water on his head as he walked underneath. It was all he
could do to pull his bedroll from his pack and crawl into it before
falling asleep.

The thief had been running for more than a week, pursued by the
knights who had slain his partners in crime. The band of thieves had
operated in a mountain pass for over three months. The pass had been
the perfect location for ambushing merchants; it was the only one for
many miles along a forbidding mountain range, and so was frequented by
many travelers. They had made a fine living, until one day the week
before.

They had received word that a merchant caravan carrying a
valuable cargo was coming their way. With a nearly vertical cliff on
one side of the road, and the other side ending in a drop of a hundred
feet, the thieves had little trouble surrounding the caravan; they had
simply split into two groups and rappelled down the cliff on either
side of the caravan. But it had been an ambush fabricated by the lord
of a nearby kingdom.

When the score of thieves converged on the caravan, they were
attacked by no less than fifty of the lords' cavalry charging up the
road behind them. They put up a good fight, but the surprised and
disorganized thieves were no match for the precision attack of the
finely trained horsemen. The band was routed in minutes. The knights
immediately set about the task of tracking down the few thieves who
had managed to run during the confusion of the fight.

The man who took refuge in the cave that night was the last of
the more than twenty men who had attacked the caravan. The pursuit had
been dogged, and it had been a hard week, with little or no sleep at
all. He had nearly been caught twice, and it was only due to the rain
wiping out any trace of his passing within minutes that he was able to
stay ahead of the knights.

He awoke the next morning to find that the rain had stopped,
but a heavy fog had rolled in, shrouding the forest in an eerie
blanket of mist. He quickly gathered his belongings and set out again
into the forest. He was a huge man, named Carlisle, and had been the
head of the thieving band. He was nearly six and a half feet tall and
extremely muscular. He was masterfully skilled with the giant,
double-headed battle-ax strapped to his back, yet even he had seen the
folly of standing against the contingent of armored knights.

He had been walking through the fog for most of the morning,
when he heard a faint noise off in the distance. For such a huge man,
he was surprisingly stealthy, and he set off quietly into the woods in
the direction the sound was coming from, loosening his battle-ax in
its harness as he went. As he came closer, he was able to identify it
as many voices raised in anger. He came suddenly to the edge of a
large clearing and stopped to view the camp of the knights who had
been chasing him. The knights were standing in two groups, yelling at
each other. He soon surmised that the two sides were arguing over
whether or not to keep chasing him.
" It's only one man!" yelled one of the knights.
" But our orders were to hunt down and kill every last one of
the thieves!" argued another.

Carlisle would have enjoyed staying to listen to the argument
but at that moment, he heard a noise behind him and turned to see one
of the knights' scouts walking towards him, sword raised. "Who goes
there?" said the knight.Carlisle cursed his luck as he drew his fearsome ax, its normally shining blades dulled by the fog. He charged the knight, hoping to
kill him before he could raise the alarm. The startled knight let out
a scream just before Carlisle swung. The ax, powered by Carlisle's
massive arms, lost little of its momentum as it shattered the knight's
blocking sword and continued into the man's collarbone, nearly
cleaving him in two. The whole camp turned as one to see Carlisle
running full speed away from the body of their comrade.

The knights were mounted and charging out of the camp after
Carlisle within minutes. His trail was easy to follow through the
muddy forest, and the knights only occasionally slowed to make sure
they were on the right track. His exhaustion flown, Carlisle ran as he
never had before, adrenaline lending him speed, knowing that to slow
his pace was to be overtaken by the mounted knights. He could
distantly hear the knights behind him, calling for vengeance.

He noticed that the fog was thickening. He could barely see
the forest floor ten feet in front of himself. Without warning, the
ground underfoot gave way. He tried to grab the edge of the hole as he
fell through, but the rains of the previous week had turned the ground
into a thick mud, and he cursed his luck as he slid down the slimy
chute, losing his pack in the process. He grunted in pain as he struck
the bottom, but his leather armor had taken the full force of the
blow, leaving him with only bruises. He looked up as he stood to see
that the hole was larger than he had thought, stretching at least
thirty feet across. But that was of no help to him, standing a good
fifty below the rim without the rope in his pack.

As he sat deciding what he could do, he heard voices overhead.
He quickly stood and slid over to the wall, hiding himself in the
shadows. The knights had followed his trail to the edge of the hole,
and were trying to figure out how to get down. As he watched them, he
saw one come to the edge and pick something up. He recognized the
object as his pack when the man stuck his hand in and pulled it out
with a long, thin length of coiled rope in his hand. "Look here" the
knight said as he disappeared from Carlisle's view. Carlisle could
hear the knights talking overhead as he leaned against the wall, they
would tie the rope to a tree at the edge of the hole and climb down.
He needed to get of there fast.

Thief's Luck Part Two

He was pacing around the outer wall of the hole when it
suddenly gave way, and he found himself staring down a dark, winding
tunnel. Deciding not to question his good fortune, he immediately set
off, keeping his hand to the wall beside him. After he had gone a
sufficient distance that the knights would not be able to see the
light, he pulled an unlit torch and some flint from the pouch at his
waist and struck the flint to the blade of his axe. As the torch
flared into light, he came to see just how large the tunnel was.

The walls were nearly twenty feet wide, and the ceiling towered
thirty feet over his head. However, what startled him were the long
grooves seemingly gouged out of the wall, as if something that did not
quite fit had passed through the tunnel. He passed it off as his
imagination and started again down the tunnel at a run. He thought
that he heard a noise that sounded like breathing, but ignored it as
he ran, crediting it to the knights only minutes behind him.

As he came around a bend in the tunnel, it suddenly opened up
into an immense underground cavern stretching hundreds of feet across
either way. Lying on the floor of the cave was a thick, rolling layer
of gold, jewels, and finely crafted weapons and armor. However, the
thing that had caught his attention was lying in the middle of the
hoard, rising and falling with each slow breath.

Its sleeping form partially submerged in the treasure, the
dragon slept on, unaware of the intruder to its lair. Over one hundred
feet long from the tip of its snout to the end of its spiked tail,
covered in a thick layer of gleaming red scales harder than steel, and
with sword-like, two foot long fangs protruding from its enormous maw,
the sight of the dragon was enough to make even a
seasoned warrior like Carlisle fall to his knees in awe.

Carlisle thought himself lucky as he rose and quickly hid
behind a large pile of precious gems, shielding himself from both the
cave entrance and the dragon. If he had entered when the dragon was
awake, he probably would have already been counted among the charred
skeletons littering the lair. However, as he cowered behind the mound
of treasure, he heard a series of loud metallic clanks coming from the
direction of the tunnel.

An idea coming to mind, he got to his feet and re-entered the
tunnel, stopping just around the first bend. He was not there long
before the first of the knights came into view, their armor creaking
and clanking. He waited just long enough for them to spot him and ran
back into the dragons lair, the knights at his back giving joyous
shouts at having finally caught their prey. Carlisle had just entered
the cave and dove behind the pile of treasure again when the screaming
mass of knights ran in behind him. They were stunned by the sight that
awaited them. Their noise had awoken the sleeping dragon. Not one of
them escaped its fearsome breath.

The inferno seemed to last forever, sucking all of the air out
of the giant cave. When it was finished, Carlisle lay gasping for
breath, awed at the bared power of the beast not fifty feet away. He
knelt on his hands and knees behind the treasure mound, retching at
the smell of burnt flesh. He heard the dragon enter the tunnel the
knights had come from and then return a few minutes later, apparently
satisfied that the threat was no more.

Carlisle waited for what seemed like hours for the dragon to go
back to its rest before stealthily slipping into the tunnel entrance,
being careful to sidestep the pool of molten gold left by the beast's
flaming breath. Groping his way blindly along the tunnel, he finally
reached the hole that he had fallen through. He climbed the rope left
by the knights, coiling it back into his pack when he reached the top.
After making his way well clear of the hole in case the dragon made
another appearance, he was able to fall into a deep sleep for the
first time that week.

He woke well into the next morning to find that the fog had
lifted, showing a glowing blue sky complete with bright sun. He took a
slow pace gathering his belongings together and made his way back to
the entrance of the dragon's lair. It appeared that the dragon had
come up during the night and taken a few of the knight's horses for a
meal, there were shredded lines attached to some of the trees and
blood covered the ground in some places. The rest of the horses were
terrified. He finally managed to calm one of them enough to be able to
attach his pack and waist pouch to its saddle.

He grinned as he opened the pouch to look at the mass of
precious, gleaming gemstones inside. "Well," he said to nobody in
particular as he mounted the horse and rode off into the forest, "I
guess that's just a thief's luck."

THE END

So, what do you think?

At 3/19/05 02:04 PM, WithoutCease wrote: "CaptainT

BTW: could you tell Myst_Williams that I'm banned and get him to e-mail me? You can find him in either the Writer's Guild or the NG Fraternity. Thanks"

Hmm, he emailed me the other day and I replied. I am sure he will email me again if need be. It sucks that he was banned though.

At 3/19/05 02:25 PM, -Manic- wrote: No its not a brit thing tis a me thing really.

I was joking. Sorry. ^_^

Btw Im emailing you the intro to WoR in afew minutes if you wanna make soem changes or re wrodbits you can.

Yup. Thanks. WOR IS UP!!!!

At 3/19/05 08:35 PM, -Manic- wrote: Masquerade

When light breaks in and shows your face
You walk away with a quickened pace
To hide the torment in your soul
You shake in fear like a rag doll.

Good, but the last line needs a syllable or two more. Maybe 'like a little rag doll'.

The mask you wore has been ripped off
Light shines down and destroys the shade,
That hid your face in life’s masquerade.

I like that. The first line thre me off, but it recovered well.

With pain and torment and suffering from soul
You dance through the nights of ages old
But from moments past and seconds to come
The masquerade continues on.

Wow, very nice. The first line is a bit of a confusing statment, but a very good stanza!

With face revealed by morning light and
Nothing quite seeming right
You remove the mask that binds your soul
But the masquerade continues on.

Wow, another good line. Repedative, but used effectively.

The mask you wore has been ripped off
Light shines down and destroys the shade,
That hid your face in life’s masquerade.

Ahh, now i see where the Ballad comes in.

With pain and torment and suffering from soul
You dance through the nights of ages old
But from moments past and seconds to come
The masquerade continues on.

Hmm, really repedative, but it might sound good as a song.

With one last glance you move on
Form age old traditions and age old song
You remove the mask that binds your soul.
A unique action at the masquerade ball.

I love the ending. You have never been so deep before in your poetry. Very good Rhyme and Meter (except that one line i mentioned) and a Ballad of calming, but dark auras. I don't know why, but i feel every interpretation for this piece will be different and i feel this poem is your best poem thus far. Very good work. I am truly impressed. ^_^

As much as i am not a fan of Ballads so much (without music especially, hard to follow), this had its poetic roots evident. Maybe another stanza would help break up some of the repedativeness near the end, but that is up to you. Maybe the repedativeness will really sound amazing with music, who knows.

At 3/19/05 10:20 PM, BillyTalent wrote: I just wrote a short story for a competition in my school. I was hoping to get a second opinion before snding it in. Anyone care to review it? It's pretty long so I'll have to double post.

I am not sure how soon you need a review (when are you submitting it?), but i am actually going out in like 20 mins for the rest of the day and evening, so i cant help you tonight. Maybe someone else will. And if by tomorrow evening no one helps you, or you still seek another review, i will gladly do so, but i wont be on a computer until then.

Aslo, i will join WOR tomorrow eveing, again, i wont be on today, or tonight, or tomorrow until late. Sorry WOR go-ers. ^_^ See you then, hopefully character intros will have started by then.

thanks for the review msyt :-) Im gonna take your adivce and add another stanza or two tomorrow and see what its like.

Hey guys. I am working on an animation that will be full of action a-la "Kill Bill," "Reservoir Dogs," "Die Hard," etc. Now, I have seen that some of you guys have talent. If you are willing, IM me on AIM and together, we can develop a plot for this movie. So far, I have gotten basic character design. The story is what makes it all successful. Right?

AIM: Doctor Scribbler

NOTE: Together, we will develop the plot.

No title for this but some opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I speak my mind like I was born to do
You try and silence me with the words you use
Shall I quieten my values? Suppress my speech?
Change my opinions and throw them out of reach?

I wouldn’t bother getting your calendar,
and circling the day.
SIEG HEIL MEIN FUHRER!
Is all I have to say.

I shall never be silenced.
My opinions shall never be suppressed
I stand for all you stand against
It borders on the obsessed

but I refuse to let ,y voice be silenced,
have my opinions thrown away.
Eventually you will realise and learn to regret
What you said on this fateful day.

At 3/18/05 08:07 PM, WithoutCease wrote: You're light as a feather, too
And I'm trying to tether you

this bit doesn't run smoothly for me. A change is neede di think for it be smoother.

But you just keep blowing away..
Maybe I'll find you again another day...

Change another day to someother day and it will sound betetr IMO.

At 3/20/05 06:06 PM, -Manic- wrote: No title for this but some opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?

I speak my mind like I was born to do
You try and silence me with the words you use
Shall I quieten my values? Suppress my speech?
Change my opinions and throw them out of reach?

Not bad... I'm not seeing an AABB rhyme scale here. More like ABCC.

I wouldn’t bother getting your calendar,
and circling the day.
SIEG HEIL MEIN FUHRER!
Is all I have to say.

Fuckin' Nazi.

I shall never be silenced.
My opinions shall never be suppressed
I stand for all you stand against
It borders on the obsessed

Obsessed with getting your opinion out, correct? The pieces fall in place.

but I refuse to let ,y voice be silenced,
have my opinions thrown away.
Eventually you will realise and learn to regret
What you said on this fateful day.

Are you really going to make him regret it?
And not bad.

At 3/20/05 06:11 PM, WithoutCease wrote: Not bad... I'm not seeing an AABB rhyme scale here. More like ABCC.

kind of liek a half rhyme I suppose I was thinking do would rhyme with the U in use or soemthign liek that :-\

Fuckin' Nazi.

you have absolutley no idea

Obsessed with getting your opinion out, correct? The pieces fall in place.

yes and No im obsessed with the fatc that I was getting labeled becaus eof my opinion and the fatc thta it was being ignored.

Are you really going to make him regret it?

If I can yes.

And not bad.

Thanks :-)

At 3/20/05 01:08 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: I am not sure how soon you need a review (when are you submitting it?), but i am actually going out in like 20 mins for the rest of the day and evening, so i cant help you tonight.

That's okay, it doesn't have to be in for another two weeks.