Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

thanxs mike

Right now to me nothing matters
Because my heart is now in shatterd
I dont think it will heal tomorrow
because it is full of sorrow

why and why i weep and cry
I just want to lie down and die
with girls i have no luck
This is why my life sucks

I dont care
call me a queer
It dont faze me
I'll go crazy

Nothing you say
can hurt me the way
thats she did today

I would pull out a tooth
before i tell her the truth
I'll tell her a lie
befor i die

this poem is about being rejected by a girl and never telling he my true feelings

At 3/8/05 03:37 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote: thanxs mike

Right now to me nothing matters
Because my heart is now in shatterd
I dont think it will heal tomorrow
because it is full of sorrow

Im guesisng that shatterd was meant to be shattered but with way that line needs changing as it doesn't make sense. Shattered isn't a noun.......I think the closest thing to it is shard as in a shard of glass.

why and why i weep and cry
I just want to lie down and die
with girls i have no luck
This is why my life sucks

Short and straight to the point.needs changing lol I like things to be embellished..................alot

I dont care
call me a queer
It dont faze me
I'll go crazy

again embellish it to makeit better IMO

Nothing you say
can hurt me the way
thats she did today

that bit is actually pretty good :P

I would pull out a tooth
before i tell her the truth
I'll tell her a lie
befor i die

Doesn't run so smoothly this bit. you need to make the lines all the same length sylablle wise

Part from needing embellishment in places and few other things not bad really.

thanks it was a poem that i typed in like 5 mins and it was my first semi dark poem i most of the timem i write love poems about that girl but o well thanks again

At 3/8/05 04:36 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote: thanks it was a poem that i typed in like 5 mins and it was my first semi dark poem i most of the timem i write love poems about that girl but o well thanks again

no problem. If you write soemthign else down feel free to pop in and let us read it :P

At 3/8/05 03:37 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote: thanxs mike

No Problem.

Right now to me nothing matters
Because my heart is now in shatterd
I dont think it will heal tomorrow
because it is full of sorrow

Matters and shattered don't click to me.

why and why i weep and cry
I just want to lie down and die
with girls i have no luck
This is why my life sucks

Little choppy again.

I dont care
call me a queer
It dont faze me
I'll go crazy

Now you sound like a rapper.

Nothing you say
can hurt me the way
thats she did today

Like Manic said, that part was good.

I would pull out a tooth
before i tell her the truth
I'll tell her a lie
befor i die

Well, you have potential. You just gotta find it and your set.

thanks again mike like i said to manic it was my first dark typed thing and i had som typos like shadderd was really shadder and i cant spell but thanks

At 3/8/05 03:33 PM, -WhiteFang- wrote: I checked back to page 20 and 21 and 22.....but I cant see any posts of stories made by you mate.

That was a bit early... soryy, my bad.

If you can find the precise page, then I'll read it and give you a full review.

Page 24. The penultimate post (God, I love long words) Enjoy and review, I would be most grateful.

I noticed some good poetry critiqueing. If anyone wants to destroy/take apart my last poem, i'd be honored. It is 3rd from the bottom on page 79.

Anyway, i got another 41 pages to read and a chapter synopsis to write (man my English teachers are hardcore), so i was just checking in making sure i didnt miss much.

that was a good poem u got skill and it completely beats the crap out of mine anyways good job i look forwards to more

At 3/8/05 06:05 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote: that was a good poem u got skill and it completely beats the crap out of mine anyways good job i look forwards to more

Thanks!

************************************

I got a new image i made out on RG, check it out if you are interested anyone: http://photoshop.retrogade.com/view.php?id=1900

Or check my DA (in sig) once i submit it there. ^_^

At 3/8/05 03:37 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote:
Right now to me nothing matters
Because my heart is now in shatterd
I dont think it will heal tomorrow
because it is full of sorrow

Not a bad opening stanza, aside from Line 2. Also, the rhythm is fairly steady.

why and why i weep and cry
I just want to lie down and die
with girls i have no luck
This is why my life sucks

First Line here is awkward, maybe you meant "why OH why"? Its already been said, but use some examples, tell me WHY your life sucks, maybe write a stanza about a specific experience that got you down.

I dont care
call me a queer
It dont faze me
I'll go crazy

Aside from the poor grammar in the third line, no problems here.

Nothing you say
can hurt me the way
thats she did today

I really liked this stanza. It is good.

I would pull out a tooth
before i tell her the truth
I'll tell her a lie
befor i die

You are brushing upon what you're trying to say. One of the most difficult things about writing is making sure you are getting your emotions out clearly so the reader can undertsand you. Use imagery, metaphor, to make it clear exaclty how you feel.

this poem is about being rejected by a girl and never telling he my true feelings

I have almost 20 pages of poetry written for the same girl, so I know how you feel. And for me, poetry was the best way to let my emotions out. Keep on with your writing, because this poem is far better than my first poems when I first started writing.

thanks i have more poems that are nice and i realize how stupid i was to write them theirs this one......

She is the essence of beauty you see
For she is the only girl i see
My passion has no end
But alas she only me as a friend

Her sight sends butterflies a swarm
For she is beauty in its highest form
There's one thing I know for sure
All the angels envy her

When I see her my heart skips a beat
and it feels like someone turned up the heat
I feel lighter then air and i start to hover
because i see her and no other

Untitled

Were I a flower akin to you,
Of inferior hue of course.
Together we would grow in sweet bliss,
Ne'er knowing or feeling remorse.

A harmony our chords would make,
Plucked on our very heartstrings.
A symphony of love would arise,
Repelling the most evil things.

Those wicked things, vile by nature,
Perverting and tempting us all.
To sin, or to do terrible deeds,
Leading us astray, so doomed to fall.

Steadfast you remain in purity,
And for this I commend you well.
As my flower remains a flower,
My love will ring clear as a bell.
_________________________________________________________________________
Probably the most I've ever stuck to a form in any poetry I have written, please review with good constructive critiscism.

At 3/8/05 08:29 PM, VOTE_4_PEDRO_KIA wrote:
She is the essence of beauty you see
For she is the only girl i see
My passion has no end
But alas she only me as a friend

This opening stanza could be stronger, and rhyming see with see isn't a very good choice. Tyr experiemnting with the order of words in your sentences and word choice, to find a better rhyme there. Also, the last line i belive is missing the word "thinks".

Her sight sends butterflies a swarm
For she is beauty in its highest form
There's one thing I know for sure
All the angels envy her

This reminds me of some stuff I've written, and I like where you are going here. This is a good stanza, and what I really like about it is the flow. Good job here.

When I see her my heart skips a beat
and it feels like someone turned up the heat
I feel lighter then air and i start to hover
because i see her and no other

Good ending stanza. Overall a good poem, well done. One thing I;'ve noticed though, and in your last poem as well, is that at times it can seem as if you tried to hard to make a rhyme. Word choice is very important, and if you have trouble finding a word to rhyme with another word, just pull out a thesaurus and look for other words. Good job.

At 3/8/05 08:07 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: http://photoshop.retrogade.com/view.php?id=1900

I was ready to review but.. there's nothing on that link.
FIX!!!!

At 3/8/05 08:49 PM, deathtuna wrote: Untitled

Were I a flower akin to you,
Of inferior hue of course.
Together we would grow in sweet bliss,
Ne'er knowing or feeling remorse.

I'm liking this poem already. A little too pansy (omg pun!) for my taste, but heartfelt. I've written poetry of similar style before. It's alwasy interesting to see ifI can stick to them or not.

A harmony our chords would make,
Plucked on our very heartstrings.
A symphony of love would arise,
Repelling the most evil things.

It almost feels like you should explain your transition here. I'm still seeing the two of you as flowers, but you're describing string intruments of some kind.

Those wicked things, vile by nature,
Perverting and tempting us all.
To sin, or to do terrible deeds,
Leading us astray, so doomed to fall.

You lose some focus from the main point of the poem here. You must have been distracted by something shiny.

Steadfast you remain in purity,
And for this I commend you well.
As my flower remains a flower,
My love will ring clear as a bell.

And now you're back to the flower/instrument theme after your little detour, thanks to some decent transition from stanza 3 to stanza 4. The ending is fine, and I like that way that it wraps up.

Overall, I think the poem is a little short to contain all the ideas you seem to be trying to convey in this piece. It looks like you jammed Double-D writing in a B-Cup piece, you know? Either lose some of the symbols and ideas, or expand on them a bit, maybe giving each one it's own stanza, instead of just a line.

So In Love With You

I never knew much about love.
I never knew much about life.
I just try to do things right.
I just try to carry on each night.

I never ment to hurt you.
I never ment to make you sad.
I only ment to love you.
I wish I was not so bad.

Why do I do the things I do?
When I'm so in love with you.

I look at myself in the mirror,
and then I start to cry.
I look at who I have become,
and then I start to die.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to make you smile.
I will always be here for you.
If only for a little while.

Why do I do the things I do?
When I'm so in love with you.

If only I was better.
If only I was kinder.
That would make you so much happier,
and make you so much nicer.

Why do you love me?
I only hurt you.
Why do you want me?
I don't deserve you.

Why do I do the things I do?
When I'm so in love with you.

At 3/8/05 10:39 PM, -Manman- wrote:
It almost feels like you should explain your transition here. I'm still seeing the two of you as flowers, but you're describing string intruments of some kind.

Yeah, this was figurative language. Its my fault if its difficult to understand, my job as a writer is to make what Ims aying clear to the reader.

You lose some focus from the main point of the poem here. You must have been distracted by something shiny.

Actually, this ties in well with the last stanza, which ties in with the whole poem, or at least to me. I apologize again for not making things clear.

Overall, I think the poem is a little short to contain all the ideas you seem to be trying to convey in this piece. It looks like you jammed Double-D writing in a B-Cup piece, you know? Either lose some of the symbols and ideas, or expand on them a bit, maybe giving each one it's own stanza, instead of just a line.

Thanks for the review. I'll work on expanding my ideas, and not just mentioning them. I guess i got too carried away with form I forgot about content. Thanks again.

NO TITLE

It started this way, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. It started this way, with a man named Dan Cody driving a batttered Jeep down a lonely stretch of highway. It started this way, with an armload of roses scattered atop a worn canvas bag that lay on the passenger-side floorboard of that Jeep. It started this way, with an armload of roses riding shotgun... and a worn bag filled with a thousand writhing scorpions.

To Dan Cody, the roses were frightening. Pooled in bruised shadows and silver-white moonlight, their petals were moist and full as a dozen wet, openmouthed kisses.
And just as dangerous, too. Cody knew that.
Beads of sweat gleamed on his upper lip. He wiped the back of his dusty right hand across his mouth and smelled the dirt and dried sweat that smeared his rough, tanned skin. He inhaled deeply, and for the duration of that breath he was transported to the cool midnight canyons and inky desert crevices he'd so recently visited.
The smell of dirt was to Cody a breif respite from the roses' cloyong perfume.
He didn't like that smell, but he could not escape it tonight.
He would not escape it.
Tonight it was his destiny.
Cody wiped his hands on his black denim-clad thigh, and his hand returned to the sterring wheel...where it belonged, where it was comfortable. But he couldn't stop think about the roses. They were strange things, born far away from the desert. Valentine hearts from a land thats was fresh and cool and green. In this hard and barren places, nothing survived that couldn't live broken and twisted and ruined by the relentless beating of sun and wind.
The desert was a land that Dan Cody knew well.
It was the land where Dan Cody had been born, twenty-five years ago, and had died, twenty-five years ago.
And perhaps, just perhaps, tonight he would be born again. It started this way, thought Dan Cody, as he drove onto the deep end of midnight.
It started this way . . .

thats all I have so far I let yall know when I'm done with the chapter

Words

syllables metaphors. nothing new to me
Similies, punctuation simple as can be.

Still i sit here at my desk
Cursed by the writing hex!

Can't work out what to put
in the next installment of my book

Is it really so hard to find
the perfect words or perfect rhyme?

a little simple thign i just thoguht up in maths enjoy and revew pleas.e I'll attempt to clear some of the backlog of reviews later tonight.

Ok doeky this is what ive written for that Cult thing I flirted across to yuo guys a while ago. read review and comment please. I would like people to go into detail if possible. many thanks in advance :-)

this is just the start of it though more to come as I write it :-)

Eyes of a Dragon

The first hours of daylight reflected off of the window of the old run down library as the wind picked up and caused the branches of the ancient oak tree to sway left and right.
As the branches swayed the old faded letters ,that stood above the entrance to the door, watched over all that passed by within its sight. Age had removed the edges from the words but the old Latin word for library could still be read and the motto of the city “Per veneratio quod justicia” was clear enough as well.
A sparrow hopped across the letters of the city motto and started to sing a song of joy. It flapped its wings, took off and soared into the sky to find its nest. It flew straight to the roof of the building and landed on the roof.
It waddled over towards a crack in the wall and squeezed into the gap. The nest lay before its eyes with three chicks and his mate. He chirped at his family and sat down and stared through a gap in the wall that led to the inside of the library.
It was a dusty place as the only books it contained these days were old ones that not many people sought out.
The sparrow cocked its head to the side.
Someone had been seeking something as the dust that was normally on the floor had been disturbed by foot steps. This didn’t really concern the sparrow as it had happened before.
What did disturb him was the crimson trail that was followed the disturbances in the dust.
He shook his head and ruffled his feathers.
It didn’t matter to him really. Whilst the red stains were new and different it didn’t concern him. He knew he could not eat it and he knew nothing good would come of it.
He turned to his family and set about the task of grooming his chicks as his mate set out to try and find some food.
As he groomed his chicks his thoughts returned to the disturbance of the library.
What did it matter to him? The affairs of humans were not his concern and never would be. They could deal with it themselves.
The attitude of the sparrow is the attitude that Sergeant John Wakefield would have loved to take in life. His job as a police officer prevented him from taking this stance however.
He would often wonder what had possessed when he applied to be a police man. He did not enjoy his job and he detested his fellow officers and they felt the same towards him and made no secret of it. One such man was Police Constable Roger Warrington.
Roger was Johns’ worst enemy in the force and, as sods law dictates, they had been paired together to work on a case.
John watched Roger as he made notes on where everything lay in the crime scene as the forensic scientists went to work on collecting the samples of blood and taking pictures of all the evidence that they found.
The sound of the pen scratching on the paper began to irritate John’s ears but he gritted his teeth and ignored it fearing what Rogers reaction would be if he mentioned it.
The note books slammed shut.
“Right then” boomed Roger’s baritone voice “Let’s get started then shall we? Would you like to handle the corpse or shall I? I think I should after all you are rather squeamish aren’t you Jonno?”
John was mentally picturing having roger boiled alive in oil as he was being spoken to. He snapped out of his dream world to reply.
“You do realise that I’m higher rank than you? You do not address me as Jonno. You don’t call me Jonny or john you call me sir or sergeant! Understand constable Warrington?”
Roger glared at the sergeant but refrained from making any comment.
“Now then” Continued John “I’ll take the body you go and find the guy who runs this place and get an inventory of the books in here and se if anything is unaccounted for.”
“Yes Sarge” said Warrington as he walked off towards the office where a grey haired old man could be seen through the window.
John watched as Warrington entered the room and started to talk to the old man. He shook his head and turned to where the body lay.

At 3/9/05 12:24 AM, Quisty wrote: So In Love With You

Wow. I could almost believe it was my own love who had written that. (she feels like that about me.) A great piece, Quisty, though I'm not normally into poetry.

At 3/9/05 12:24 AM, Quisty wrote: So In Love With You

Good poem over all but there are a few thigns that need changing IMO.

I wish I was not so bad.

I wish I was not so bad doesn't quite work it for me something like " I wish i wasn't as bad" would work better.

I look at who I have become,

shorten the I have into I've to make it sound better

Not a bad thing really its wuite ncie reminds me of a pop song for some reason.

At 3/9/05 03:01 PM, -Manic- wrote: Eyes of a Dragon

Not bad at all. Though I see no plot right now, it seems like it could develop into a good story.
Nice job, Manic.

At 3/9/05 04:01 PM, WithoutCease wrote: Not bad at all. Though I see no plot right now, it seems like it could develop into a good story.
Nice job, Manic.

thanks. Its only the intro so the plot isn't meant to be compltely obvious at this point. But if you read the posts I amde about the whole idea you should know :P

At 3/9/05 01:13 PM, -Manic- wrote: a little simple thign i just thoguht up in maths enjoy and revew pleas.e I'll attempt to clear some of the backlog of reviews later tonight.

Thought it up in maths. The irony. It needs more work, but to be honest, I'm the wrong person to say just what.

Thanks to anyone who liked my poem. Other clubs never said anything about this poem, but you guys did. Your a really nice little club ^_^

I will try to make some more later, and thanks for the tips.

At 3/10/05 09:06 AM, Grandfather-Clock wrote: tis done be maaaaaaaah latest story ya'll. Dont ya go plagerising it or stealins it nor nottin:

Wow, I really liked this story, it's like something from a short film :)

At 3/9/05 05:23 PM, Coop83 wrote: Thought it up in maths. The irony. It needs more work, but to be honest, I'm the wrong person to say just what.

lol I wasn't really trying when I thought it up so it was never meant to be brilliant just soemthing to pass the boredom whilst we were doing quadrilateral equations.

At 3/10/05 09:06 AM, Grandfather-Clock wrote: tis done be maaaaaaaah latest story ya'll. Dont ya go plagerising it or stealins it nor nottin:

lol I lvoed it. that was pretty damn good and original as well :P

Ok i need people sopinion son names. Which soudns better to you lot?

Eyes of a dragon

Pendragon Prophecy

relics of a Dragon