Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

Thanks for the reply. I tend to be a little witty as I rarely ever write serious poems but comical poems. My friends call me "The Shel Silverstein for Adults". I was trying to go with the Dark Ages sword fight so I guess I got something right. I think I may just make a poem with this.

At 2/18/05 06:03 PM, Iceman_of_doom wrote:

You are fighting me; you are indeed brave.
Your defeat and my victory is what I crave.
With my sword, I'll give you too close of a shave.
Mark my words, this spot will be your grave.

I'm not trying to be bossy or anything but I posted this quatrain a couple pages ago and I was wonderin' if anyone wouldn't mind reviewing it and giving me suggestions as to how to improve it. If it seems good. I might make a full-length poem using the theme.

shit. sorry mate didnt even see your post.

Ok one wya you cvould improv eit in my opinion is make sure you have the same amoutn of syllables on each line. currently it goes 10,12.11 and 9.
tyr and make it have 10 syllables in the line this what I'd do for it.

(bear in mind this si what I'd do in my style yours is gonna be different so re do it and then post it again :P)

these fights we have do indeed make you brave.
You I shall beat and recieve what i crave.
with my blade, taking life, ending your strife.
Now then it is time for you to behave.
Or shall we mark this spot as your grave?

Not exactly 10 syllables per line put there is more of a set form to it. plus ypu dont need to make every line rhyme. Do it in couplets maybe.

At 2/18/05 06:17 PM, Iceman_of_doom wrote: I think I may just make a poem with this.

I think you should too. Just watch those timline references. Not too many people took it upon themselves to even learn what shaving was back then.

will noone read my story in it's (so far) entirdy, you read short poems yes, easy reads are they not? Alas you read books enough, so why take 3 minutes of your life tp read my work. (you can see that I am impationate and pissed)

At 2/18/05 06:27 PM, newbman wrote: will noone read my story in it's (so far) entirdy, you read short poems yes, easy reads are they not? Alas you read books enough, so why take 3 minutes of your life tp read my work. (you can see that I am impationate and pissed)

Tsk tsk. i said I was going to review it and Im currently doing it. Patience is a viurtue young padawan. You must learn it before you can trule become a jedi.

Any.....back to reality

ne thing I notice.d either your chaning your mind about what the main focus of a sentenc eis about or your just plain missing words out. Go trhough and read it again and you wills ee that there are some sentences which make little sense cause you seem to have missed words out...well they don't make sense to me at the moment. im going to go back and re read it to see if IVe missed anything/

Newb man question.

is this really all there is to "chapter 8"

"Chapter 8
Mchenry walked out of the tent. He stopped to admire his massive army exercising and training. He had planned to attack Hortitio. He planned to storm the building he was in, bring down anyone and hold Hortitio for ransom."

Did you men to post some more or soemthing but had to cut it off and then forget to post the rest cause Id hardly call a paragraph a chapter.

but anyway. I'm not to sure baout the plot at the moment bbut carry on writing and posting the stuff casue it could just be Im having problems geting into it.

here to answer a few questions:

1. This is a story me and some friends are working on, it's an RP on a school forum, and I'm not the one who wrote that Chapter, I just copy and paste it and add chapter numbers.

2. PLot, since this is RP is still in progress, though I know what I'm going to do. K' form where we are this is about Balthasar returning from after Devon and the Light Knight's last adventure(I also am working on that peice as well) This is also about the history of the Knights of Holy Light, and how Devon's and the rest of their destinies are to be effected.

3. As I said some sentences are not complete becasue I did not write all of it, I only editied all the spelling errors and grammatical errors that Word found for me, yup I'm that lazy.

At 2/18/05 07:05 PM, newbman wrote:

ah ha :P Understood and I now understand :P

At 2/18/05 04:57 AM, Coop83 wrote: Myst's right, you are a quality poet. I know I'm not, but I don't keep harping on about it. I stick to the prose and make a work which people enjoy.

I am always right. lol

BTW, Myst, when are you going to review chapter 2? Now I'm getting antsy.

Fuck me. Sorry dude, been writing essays all week. It is due Tuesday. I will try and write that up for mid-next week. I want to say tomorrow, but i got to write an interview for writers craft class and i would say sunday, but i got two articles to write for the magazine and i would say monday, but that is touch up night for my essay. lol. I am swarmed... maybe i might tonight thouhg, you never know, it depends how long it will take me to write all my thoughts.

At 2/18/05 06:26 AM, Manic_streetpreacher wrote: I class myself as good at somethign when I can do it with out much effort. The amount of effort i have to put in when I write poems is hellish. MY one minute wonders may be just stupid things but actually thinking up the rhymes almost kills me lol.

lol, well, they are good in a unique comedic way. Just dont be down on yourself ol'sport.

At 2/18/05 06:03 PM, Eldarion wrote: Cons

Everything you pointed out was right. It is sloppy like that because i never actually did a full edit. I just skimmed over it. : P
I had re-written the piece and then didnt bother re-editing. I am lazy is all, so i guess you could say it was my second rough draft... not a final draft. Thanks for pointing all those out, it will really save me some time when i finally get around to editing it. I appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I also apologize for slacking.

Pros

Now, on to the positives. Your work is very well written, the vocabulary used is extensive without having the reader go to the dictionary every few minutes and the paragraphs are structured superbly.

Thank you so much. As a fine writer like yourself, that means alot to me.

Great quote! That was some very eloquent writing there.

Wow, i love seeing how some people enjoy certain aspects over others. I have had lines pointed out to me by others before, but not that one. ^_^

The last two parts were fine, I didn't see any big problems with them. Overall, that was an interesting and well written story, and I feel like a dick pointing out those really small things above, but I felt I had to.

Dont feel like that, like i said, i just didnt edit it. So really it is my fault for being lazy. Also, just to clear things up in a sense, it is a short story in a way - yes - but it is also in fact taken from my first chapter of my current novel Evemortal. I just changed a few things and the ending in order to make it more into a short story, otherwise if it was a direct excerpt it would leave you really hanging and i dont want to post my other (even less edited) chapters as of yet. I am just sayng to avoid confusion.

can some one give me a topic to make a story off of

At 2/18/05 08:26 PM, repent_i_will_not wrote: can some one give me a topic to make a story off of

I want you to write a story that is only 250 words about losing someone dear to you or your main character (whoever that might be). It is a challenge i propose. I also advise to write the initial draft longer then 250 words, because it is easier to edit down then up (not including re-written work). Do you accept?

I don't know if I could keep it under 250 but ok loing someone dear to me or who ever I could do that

This is one thing I came up with today it needs work
A Life o Fire
There was a man who lived a life of fire.
Even upon the fabric of time,
Where black becomes red,
And red black,
This lifed glowed,
A dire red stain, indelible;
Yet when he was dead,
He saw he had not yet lived.

At 2/18/05 08:36 PM, repent_i_will_not wrote: I don't know if I could keep it under 250 but ok loing someone dear to me or who ever I could do that

I know, keeping it under 250 is hard, you dont have to, but it is a challenge i know. Anyway, i look forward to reading whatever you come up with.

Ok I should be done by Mon if I don't have to do any thing this weekend. should I do like a teenager who didn't have a father kinda thing or no there is too many stories about that though I'm ganna have to really creative about this one

At 2/18/05 06:26 AM, Manic_streetpreacher wrote: Give me a bit and I can probably think somethign up.

okay thank you, I appreciate it.

no one read my story. well here is part 3:

One year after Lazer escaped from the Devil, he was captured again when the Devil came to the same inn that Lazer was staying. The Devil came because the owner of the “Inn of Reatu Town” wanted to sell her soul to the Devil for unmatched beauty. She wanted to be the most beautiful woman in all of Malicion. She was found the next day raped and strangled in an alley. After the sale was completed the Devil looked at the list of people who were staying in the inn that night and he came upon Lazer’s name. The Devil took Lazer back to his cave and he woke Lazer up before he was about to begin the punishment. Lazer, at age seventeen, brought out the Ultima and with one swipe, Lazer had slain the Devil by slashing him into two halves. The curved blade sliced straight through the Devil’s red skull and body. So, with one slash of the mighty blade, Ultima, Lazer had slain the Devil, his tormentor, his father.
Lazer decided to just wander around Malicion until he found his family. Lazer saved more people on his journey but one that is to be paid special attention is when he saved the village of Eyra. Eyra town had, for the last ten months, been terrorized by wild wolves. At the age of twenty, Lazer he was asked by the village chief to save his village from the terrible wolves. The towns’ greatest warriors had already been sent to the wolves’ den to kill the beasts but no brave warrior ever returned. Lazer had seen the population sign. Before the wolves attacked the village flourished with over 200 people, after the wolves attacked, the population had been reduced to only 48 inhabitants. Lazer selflessly went to the den of the ferocious wolves where after sacrificing much blood and energy he finally stood over the final wolf. The Ultima did something that Lazer had never seen it do before; it absorbed the blood and the spirit of the wolves and with the power of Lazer’s heart, restored him. When Lazer returned to the village, they told him that they had no place for him.
Lazer traveled around Malicion again alone searching for the castle where his family dwelled, the Royal City. When Lazer was 23, he came across a peculiar old man named Garamond the Beguiler. Garamond told Lazer, “I will help you find your family.” Lazer concluded that he could trust this man. His hope in the goodness of the human heart was so great that it blinded him sometimes. In reality, Garamond took Lazer far off course from the Royal City. He took Lazer as far north as Mastana Town. One night, after the two had set up camp, Garamond admires the Ultima from afar. Around midnight, Garamond decided to take the Ultima to get a better look at it. Lazer awakened not long after the sword had been stolen. He saw Garamond studying the sword and he said, “Garamond? What are you doing with Ultima?” Garamond was startled. He let out a deafening battle cry as he cut off Lazer’s right hand. Lazer’s pure kind heart and the power of the Ultima blade bring forth a serpent from Lazer’s wound. The bleeding stopped as the serpent was released from the wound. The serpent moved swiftly towards Garamond who was frantically swinging the Ultima but the serpent was too fast. The serpent bit into the veins of Garamond’s right forearm and wrist. Garamond then dropped the sword as the poison flowed through his body. The serpent then separated at each tooth and the new serpents violently dug their way into Garamond’s veins and bloodstream. They spread themselves well throughout the old man’s body, and then they tore out of his body. He lived until the last one burst through his heart. The serpents drained the old traitor of all his blood and life through a very painful process. The serpents, then free from the body, began to eat each other until only one was left. That one bit Lazer’s wound and Lazer’s right hand was painlessly restored completely without even a scar. Lazer then picked up the Ultima and headed north until he reached Mastana Town. Lazer found out how far away he was from the Royal City. He received a map from a kind villager.
When Lazer finally got to the Royal City, he heard a semi-familiar voice say, “You, you’re the one who saved me from ‘The Bad Man’ fourteen years ago.” He only had to think for one second before he remembered the incident. He smiled at her. She said, “My name is Mary”— then another voice burst in, “SLAVE! GET BACK IN HERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I HAVE TO FORCE YOU!” Lazer said, “My name is Lazer”—“HURRY UP YOU USELESS WOMAN!” Lazer became angered with the old voice but Mary kissed him and said, “Thank you. You should leave now.” “No! I want to see this jerk who is talking to you like that.” “Please. You must leave now.” Lazer finally listened. Lazer decided to walk the streets. The city was destitute, crimes such as murder and rape happened in abundance. There was no Justice in the city. There was no Justice in King Rozzenon’s kingdom. Slaves and murder victims lay dead on the streets with prostitutes. While roaming the streets of the forsaken city, Lazer met Drake who informed Lazer that he would inherit King Rozzenon’s kingdom. This was the third great wrong Drake committed toward Lazer. Then he laughed. He told Lazer King Rozzenon adopted him as his own son. He laughed again. Finally he told Lazer that he married Melody and they had three children and they were very happy that they didn’t have to live with all the filth that struggled to live through each day down in the city. He laughed a third time. Then he told Lazer that he didn’t like Lazer being in the city, so Drake challenged Lazer to a battle to the death. The entire city would be able to watch. Lazer agreed. Lazer wanted his father to see that he was still alive and well. When King Rozzenon found out that Lazer was still alive, he became infuriated and shocked. He told Drake that he would make sure the odds were greatly against Lazer. The epic battle would take place three hours later.

this is the final part, it should be easier to read. part 4:

Lazer had some time to kill, so he found his way back to the home where Mary was. He knocked on the door and out came a grotesque looking old man who said, “WHAT DO YOU WANT!? GET OUT OF HERE!!” Lazer told him, “I want to talk to Mary.” The old man replied, “SLAVES DON’T GET TO TALK TO ANYONE!! THEY ARE INFERIOR BEINGS ANYWAY!! NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!” “I demand to see her!! Now!!” The old man was frightened by the look in Lazer’s eyes, so he agreed to let Lazer talk to Mary. When Lazer sees Mary, he smiles and she smiles back. He asked her what happened to ‘The Bad Man’. She told him that ‘The Bad Man’ beat the rest of her family but he never touched her. Then one day she saw ‘The Bad Man’ get mauled to death by a bear. Then she tells him that ‘The Bad Man’s’ father inherited everything. The father was usually too lazy to do anything.

Before the battle, some guards found Lazer and they beat him. To further ensure Drake’s victory, Drake is allowed to take his dagger which he used to defeat Lazer eight years ago. When the battle began, Lazer was surprisingly full of energy. He fought amazingly. Everyone who saw the fight was astonished by Lazer’s awesome power and skill. The villagers were also amazed to see Lazer alive. Drake uses his dagger to slash Lazer’s right leg to bring Lazer down but when Drake try to do his final attack, Lazer rolled out of the way and slashed Drake across his chest. Lazer then stood up and thrust the Ultima through Drake’s black heart. The Dark Green Electricity of the blade surges through Drake’s body keeping him alive to suffer for his wrongs. Lazer then pulls the blade out and finishes Drake off by slashing him into two halves just as he killed the Devil. Lazer brought the mighty blade, Ultima, down through Drake’s skull and body, splitting him down the middle. The Dark Green Electricity finally dissipated as Drake’s body turned to dust. After the dust of Drake’s body settled, the scar on Lazer’s left shouldered disappeared and then Lazer put his cloak back on. Then the king demanded that Lazer tell him what happened to the Devil. Lazer told him but his father wanted physical proof. He told Lazer that he could take one thing from the city, but nothing from the castle, for his journey back to the Devil’s cave to retrieve the Devil’s red skull. Lazer chose to bring the slave woman, Mary, with him. This enraged the king and ‘The Bad Man’s’ father. It took Mary only ten seconds to find her way into Lazer’s arms and twenty seconds after the king agreed to Lazer’s decision, ‘The Bad Man’s’ father’s heart exploded. Then, King Rozzenon gained ownership of Mary’s family. The king demanded that Lazer give Mary back to him but Lazer took Mary out of the arena. He even managed not to kill any of the guards but, unfortunately, the king had the guards beheaded.

The sky was not kind to Lazer and Mary on their journey. Storms raged on as Lazer suffered the rain as he shielded Mary with his cloak. It took them three months to get to the Devil’s cave and by that time, Lazer knew he was in love with Mary and she knew she was in love with him. They told each other their feelings right in front of the Devil’s split red skull. The fires in the cave flickered out and the skies cleared at the very moment that they confessed their feelings to each other. Their three month venture back to the Royal City was much more pleasant than the former trip.

When the two returned to the Royal City, Lazer presented the two halves of the Devil’s red skull to King Rozzenon. The king could not believe his eyes but he had to. He told Lazer that for payback for the pain he went through, Lazer could take one thing from the entire kingdom. He also demanded that Lazer leave immediately after he gets what he requests. Lazer requested a marriage ceremony between himself and Mary. Mary whole-heartedly agreed to the proposition. King Rozzenon could not refuse. Against the dilapidated backdrop of the kingdom, the background of the ceremony was beautiful only to Lazer and Mary, but once Lazer kissed his bride the skies shown brighter than they ever had. Also at that very moment, the middle blade of the three blade marks on Lazer’s right hand also grew brighter, it glowed with a brilliant light along with the Ultima and the scar on Lazer’s chest disappeared. The scar disappeared as the evil King Rozzenon and his family died in a truly terrible manner. Blood came pouring out of every pore of their bodies’ until their black hearts exploded. Their bodies’ were engulfed by the Dark Green Electricity of the Ultima until they all turned to dust. Lazer was the new King and the former slave woman, Mary, was his Queen. Lazer inherited a great fortune and a brightening kingdom. Lazer saved the kingdom, all its inhabitants, freed all the slaves, and he brought happiness to all of Malicion. Lazer and Mary had many children and they live to see their great-grandchildren who live in a wonderful Kingdom of Dreams. No one is unhappy.

The End

I just found this poem in a stack of papers

The Wail of Black Laughter

There is a grey thing that lives in the tree-tops
None know the horror of its sight
Save those who meet death in the wilderness
But one is enabled to see
To see branches move at its passing
To hear at times the wail of black laughter
And to come upon mystic places
Places where the things has just been

OK, I'm back from my little "vacation," if you will.

Is the WOR pretty much dead? No action since the 9th. It's scary.

Here are three experimental poems... trying something new is all for fun.

Change
By, K. Myst Williams

She
Cried
And sighed
As if to
Defy – what is true
But what are mind’s eyes
Is what is defied
Yet, he lied
‘Not tied’
Cried
She

Fly
By, K. Myst Williams

I
Fled
Dar ahead
Without a word
To deserve
The knowing curve
Please don’t be you
As time aged
All staged
Beginning to fade
Soaring high
Fled
I

Nigh
By, K. Myst Williams

It
Left
Its best
Of fatal tests
But cannot rest
For all is nigh
And all is reckless
It is near
A tear
The close fear
Hanging like the necklace
For all is nigh
A gentle cry
Of the lit
An illusionist
Left
It

Above All
By, K. Myst Williams

Who
Confides
With center’s mind
Without a presence
None can sense it
Please don’t be frightened
For whom is pure
Still to fear
The thought falls
With calls
Wrong

M’Dear
By, K. Myst Williams

You
My dearest
Held the nearest
A steady tongue
You are the one
Chapters are fun
But dearest
You
By far
The perfect star
Shine north as one
Melody is sung
All but farthest
My dearest
You

**********************

I stopped RPing really... so unless someone else keep sit going for me, it is dead for now. I just havnt enough time. I barely have enough time to post my stuff and reply. I hope to revive it or start anew in the summer though. Sorry if that dissapoints anyone.

Hi I just found this writer's guild thing and I think it would be cool if you would let me join.... So how about it?

At 2/18/05 10:13 PM, abcd_1234_mike wrote: Hi I just found this writer's guild thing and I think it would be cool if you would let me join.... So how about it?

All are welcome. Post your stuff man. ^_^

Chapter 10
Horatio rose from the table. He couldn't stand any more of this. "Where ye be going?" asked Magnus.
The queen opened her mouth before Horatio. "He is not leaving. Are you, Horatio?". He froze. "Ah! Our guests have arrived... again". Rose and Devon sat at the table again. Magnus looked up at Horatio. "Sit Horatio. Ye shant move, lest ye miss dessert.". He seated himself.
"Well then," began the queen. "as I was saying, there is a nuclear operation going on in Tewistan (fictional!!) near Pakistan. But there was something wrong the moment I learned of it. They weren't cautious about it... too.. open. Usually we need the Secret Service to investigate, but this time, the information was obtained almost too easily. I fear it is a trap in which they hoped my army would go marching in. The only ones who would attempt this... it can only be the work of the Death Knights."
Horatio raised an eyebrow. Magnus was shocked, as were the others. They all knew that name. "Are ye certain, m'lady?" asked Magnus. "Surely, the Holy Knights dealt with them all those years ago?". Horatio spoke for the first time since the dinner began: "I... I have seen it in the Index. One night I awoke, and the tome was turned to the page of Evils. The text glowed... almost as if the page was... alive. It is them- the queen is right."
Everyone at the table had a million questions, but the room was silent. Raphael had stopped eating. Devon's heart skipped a beat. "Yes," said the queen. "My mission is dangerous, but would be pivital in the fight against evil. I want you to find out what the purpose of this nuclear launch is... I fear it might be a distraction for something... bigger. I want you to find the Death Knight behind this and... Deal with him. You are all capable of it- you are the last descendants of the Holy Knights, others of you are the most talented warriors I know. Which is why Magnus and Horatio will be traveling with you."
Horatio rose from the table so fast that the chair fell over. He had had enough of this. "My Lady, I am a Royal Guardsman, not some traveling tourist!". Magnus rose to challenge the queen’s decision as weel. "M'Lady, surely you are aware of Horatio and I's relation! I cannot travel with this mana thirsty creature! Nay, I would rather be at your side!". Horatio was outraged. "Mana thirsty? Would you like to taste some firsthand?". The men were about to come to blows.
"ENOUGH”! Cried the queen. "Are you questioning my orders?". " No M'lady." they said in unison. The queen turned to Devon. "Will you accept this mission?"
Chapter 11
Interesting..."Devon said "I've been wondering all along how they're going to keep you alive, queen, I always wondered. Now I know. The dark Knight, of whom I have my suspicions. Is trying to force you into sending us out there, to kill us of course. Very sure of him self he is. He's planning on slaying the last of the Knights of Holy Light, and the elders in one blow. No I'm sorry my team cannot except as a whole. I must request that Rose stays behind with you and you must have full security on at all times, and prepare for magic. We cannot risk losing her, she holds the last hope for the Knights of Holy Light." He looked at Rose, at first she was shocked, then she understood.
"Well come on then, I've eaten my fill and it's time to board the Maiden of Light. My airship, to Horatio and magus, the one I built myself, quite a marvel she is, truly." They walked off, and Devon stood back for a moment.
"Queen if I come back and she's in any harm, I swear that I will tear your country apart with my own hands." He gave Rose one last kiss and ran off the meet the others as they boarded the Maiden of Light.

At 2/18/05 10:05 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: I stopped RPing really... so unless someone else keep sit going for me, it is dead for now. I just havnt enough time. I barely have enough time to post my stuff and reply. I hope to revive it or start anew in the summer though. Sorry if that dissapoints anyone.

no, Iam not disapointed, happy a little bit, I hoped no one would be mad I had left, summer sounds good, thats when I have nothing else to do any way, I'll probably be on the computer 20 hourso ut of 5 days a week if my mom keeps going to bed late when she gets home from work, but then there's my dad, ah sleeping pills thats it. BTW manic_streetpreacher any luck with my clay story, no rush. also Iam going on vacation this week mid-winter vacation at my school, going to see my old pals in seattle, first time on a plane all alone, so I might not post that much, not like it will make a difference though.

River of flowers
The river of flowers are full of red
A lot better than a stone-hard bed
Thorns, thorns they ruin the fun
But gladly the flowers are as soft as a bun.
Happy faces, they like to see,
Your faces, you know, are full of glee,
No anger or sadness
Or loneliness.
As we dance around the flowerd of red
We like to touch each others head.
The river of flowers are always alive
Not a stinging bee or it's own hive.
The river of flowers are always alive.

This is something i just made up in 1 hour. :D

At 2/19/05 12:13 AM, abcd_1234_mike wrote: River of flowers

I might make this into a flash movie once I am done my project I'm working now.

At 2/18/05 08:14 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Fuck me.

I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you. (I still <3 you though ;))

Sorry dude...

Don't worry about it. It's just that you are my best form of feedback, so I'd like to use the service.

At 2/19/05 05:46 AM, Coop83 wrote: I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you. (I still <3 you though ;))

Somewhat dissapointed i am. : P

Don't worry about it. It's just that you are my best form of feedback, so I'd like to use the service.

Ahh, well i will work on it today for sure. I got so much done last night, i now have some extra time on my hands. About an hour or so. So i post where i am regular, then start writing up my review.

At 2/19/05 12:46 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Ahh, well i will work on it today for sure. I got so much done last night, i now have some extra time on my hands. About an hour or so. So i post where i am regular, then start writing up my review.

So now it's my time to get excited with anticipation.

Manic, working on my story? if not its fine, I understand. I just got nothing to do. well here in Seattle with my dad, gonna visit my old pals that I miss. I will definatley try and poster later in the week, just checkin' up on you guys. bye