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I canr really remember if you had but please post it I need something else to read.Somehitng fresh :)

I most sincerly apologize, I just wanted to get a rough idea of when I should be online to see it. Once again, my bad.

At 12/4/04 05:19 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

At 12/4/04 05:12 PM, Frozen_fox wrote:

At 12/4/04 05:10 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Better be careful or i will disown Karhein.

< shuts up and zips up mouth>

lol!

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Yo, Noctroler... it is 30 pages. Be patient. Its not like Fox doesn't have a life. Your starting to be rude about it. He is doing you a favour.

My dear myst I spend 80% of my free time in fornt of the PC doing one thing or another so I dont actually have that much of a life :P

Have i ever posted anything from my novel b4?

I dont think so But Im interested in reading it

It is long.. so be careful. If you do not understand what is going on.. good! It is the first chapter and is to intrigue the reader while still giving out significant information. : ) It is un-edited. However, i still feel it is good enought to be readable.
Comments, critique... w/e.. i wanna hear it.
I am posting it in two parts.

PART 1 :
Chapter 1: Thursday, February 22 1990 – 6:43pm to 8:29pm
The sound of a crying loved ones shouting at him and pleading for him to turn back, the voices of yelling followers foreshadowing their feelings of helplessness without him, and the screaming noise of a man who betrayed him, begging for his forgiveness, all had muffled to an eerie hum of echoes faded behind his deep thoughts.
Renart held his hands in prayer and held tight to a black-beaded rosary that tumbled and weaved throughout his fingers. The cold sweat that broke within his palms, soon after, began to drip down his back and gather on his forehead. It was not fear that struck him down, but fate. When he finished the holy rosary and spoke his final words of prayer he recounted the story of Jesus, his savior. Although every single person had their connection with the lord whether they knew it or not, his was special. Men that the same, but of different times.
He gazed upward at the high cathedral church ceiling that resembled an early Roman Catholic Church. Colors of gold and beautiful stone work were of gasping beauty when he knew his death teemed near. The round dome in the ceiling painted with angels and a nursing Mary gave him a sentimental purpose to carry on. He imagined the crucifix sitting high atop of the dome outside on that darkening delightful day.
The church was long and shaped like a cross. The long vertical part of the crucifix began with the front door and ended with the altar; all along the way to the altar as hand carved olden-day pews. Three-quarters the way up, the horizontal piece of the cross extended both ways where more pews positioned on an angle towards the altar laid perpendicular to one another. The ceiling was high and the windows where shaped similar to a swords end and were all decorated accordingly to the fourteen Stations of the Cross.
The outside was brick and faced with stone while the five front doors stood almost ten feet tall and were surrounded with hand carved stone-work. There were pillars that supported a lip that led off the roof and over the twelve large steps that bended towards the five front doors. Peaks sat atop each corner of the church, tall and pleasing to the eye, up close they were a rusty-like-black color and usually flocked with beautiful white doves. The garden that surrounded the church was followed by an interlock pattern of stones, and led to the seating area just outside the left end of the cross, then led back around the other side meeting in the front. The parking lot to the right of the church was small, and generally, the church-goers would park along side the road and walk if they had to.
He was a dark haired man of thirty-three and had defiant features that gave him a natural confidence in appearance. Built like a boxer, but postured like a well-made business man, he was a gorgeous male in everyway. His short hair, usually styled to his liking, was messy and thick of an un-showered shine. Mattox Renart was at his worse, but felt at home in his beautiful church.
With one look back at his crying love his defiant and confident features drooped to an insecure and tired expression. His eyes, a bright green, faded to a dull shade of grey. His shoulders slouched, his arms dropped loosely and his knees shook in a weakened state. His age caught up with him.
He continued through the pews, putting his right hand out to brush his fingers against the back of every wooden and brilliantly carved seat, like a child would a school fence line. He heard the comfort of his best friend’s voice pushing him to be the man he always sought to convey. He straightened a little and held his head high in defiance of the sadness his perpetrator wanted him to feel.
Stopping, almost abruptly, he reached in one of the pews and grabbed the Sunday Missal. He placed the rosary in his pocket, and peered down at the face of Mary which was left pressed down into his palm from the rosary. He took the Missal in between his hands in severity.
At the end of his path he could see a man of evil and hate. He was an unchristian man who took his gifts in greed and abused his place in society. Committing every grave sin the man named Aros disgusted Renart most. He was a powerful man with peppercorn hair and a stern posture. His dark brown eyes burned that of a cooling piece of coal. His black suit and tie accented the brightness of his red shirt and handkerchief nicely tucked into his breast pocket. He appeared to be just back from an important business meeting. He stood balanced with his legs spread apart in a powerful pose. Clean cut and pleasant to the eye he seemed an honest man. However, he lived a dishonest and murderess life.
When Mattox Renart reached the steps of the church altar the two men who journeyed down the isle with him forced him to his knees. The church front door behind them soon after opened and everyone turned their heads to see who entered. A blonde man of maybe two-thirds Renart’s age calmly walked in and sat in the farthest back pew to his left. Neither Aros nor his company paid any attention to it and simply welcomed the man into the church without word.

At 12/4/04 05:25 PM, Noctroler wrote: I most sincerly apologize, I just wanted to get a rough idea of when I should be online to see it. Once again, my bad.

I have but one thing to say about your story. If you do not finish this off I wil personally fly over to canada and shoot you. you WILL finish this off. If you dont its a travesty of justice in my opinion. I loved the way you started it witht eh gun fight :D

The only thing I can find worng is that there were a ew grammatical eroors but hey no ones perfetc and that in some situations you could use more descrpitive language.

But like Is aid you should finsih this off. This is the first time Vie ever actually read something that has the yakuza in it. Any books like this tend to be about the Mafia and the Yakuza being the main feature is a breath of fresh air to me.

Sorry.. 3 parts. lol. Im doing the whole chapter for the hell of it.

PART 2:
Renart looked up to see Aros standing six-feet with his hands behind his back. Renart struggled with the discomfort of the two men tying his hands tightly behind his back, but still Renart held the Sunday Missal.
He looked to his right where his pregnant wife, Sali, stood guarded by two men with guns. Renart looked to his right a little further and saw Kronus, his life long friend, standing near enough to ensure Sali’s safety.
To his left he saw Romeo, a man who betrayed him and now stood weeping for forgiveness. Renart nodded and reassured Romeo that he knew it was not just Romeo who did the deeds, but just Romeo who sought forgiveness. The lords prayer said, forgive those who trespass against us, Renart thought. Romeo quivered a slight smile and bent down onto his knees in thanks and praise. Even at Renart’s death, Romeo sought forgiveness.
The three stain glass windows at the back of the church were large and tall, and shone brightly for they faced west and the sun was falling at the touch of dusk. The left most window looking upon the altar was a stern St. Peter with one hand raised high in blessing and the other hand holding the key to heaven. In the middle was a beautiful piece of the immaculate heart of Mary. Farthest to the right stood Jesus blessing four young children one of which cradled in his arms, symbolic to Renart of his child he knew he would never see.
The church was dim in light and was one of the only churches in Newcastle to be of open doors when masses were not in assembly. The church was situated in a quieter outer part of the city that had older fashioned morals. Though churches were sparse and attendance was not very common in Newcastle or all of England for that matter, this was a community situated with many Catholics, and believers in Christ, who were serious about their faith.
The priest stood a little off to the right up on the knave, he was not willing to sit in his thick high backed chair. He shook violently and could not calm himself to a steady state. Renart had grown a fond relationship with the church’s priest. Humiliated and embarrassed, Renart kneeled proud and straight for he felt his cause would triumph in the end.
The two men at Renart’s side stepped back when Aros gave them a steady nod. Aros looked down at Renart in an odd disgust and a mere smirk crept up his left cheek. Aros waved Kronus over towards them.
Kronus walked steady and calm with his head high on his tall broad shoulders. Never once in his life had Kronus walked with his head down and even on the day of his best friend’s death he walked without any regrets. Kronus believed in the faith of fate, and it was the choices himself and Renart made that were meant to lead them to that ending of ones long hard fought journey.
When Kronus reached the two of them, he knelt down beside Renart and whispered wisdom in his ears, ‘fate is the path which we followed and for another generation the way of God has been restored and maintained.’
‘Speak not, for I cannot bare anymore thought on any manner but my son. Can I ask you of my final request, my final wish?’ Renart quietly replied.
‘Of course, of course.’
‘My world has always been your world, we have fought this fight together since our days at young,’ Renart spoke just before Kronus nodded in agreement, ‘will you always take care of my son until death undoes the deed? I know it is a life burden, but it is my will.’
‘It is not a burden, your will is my will. Your son will be taken care of until fate takes part again. This is my word.’
Although it had been the most serious and saddest part of any of their lives, it felt right to most. The life of Renart as ‘the intended’ was led by the story of fate passed down by his father and the father before. The story of fate was yet to be proved wrong according to Renart’s life, every key event in his life he had years to prepare for. This was fate, this was God’s way, and this was the story of the intended.
Kronus reached and grabbed Renart’s rosary from his pocket and took two steps back slowly. He then turned and proceeded to walk away.
Renart closed his eyes for a second and felt them begin to swell up with tears. His only son, his love, his best friend, and his short lived life all came to mind for a split second. When he reopened his eyes he looked passed Aros and peered back at Jesus blessing the young children just as the sun fell under the horizon. It was that moment his eyes dried, his confidence grew, and his pride took over. Death was something that never scared him before and he was not allowing it to scare him then.

wow.................thats a hell of a lot..........is this a prologue or the first chapter myst?

PART 3:
Aros pulled out his handgun from inside his jacket and pointed it at Renart’s forehead. Aros looked over at the pregnant mother who was crying and screaming for mercy. Aros glanced around the room which hosted about twenty people, that of his, and that of Renart’s followers. He felt nothing but success in his soon to be triumphant moment. His whole life dedicated to this moment made him wonder if he wanted it to end any different.
Renart with his quick mind saw a few chances of high risk to possibly make it out alive with those dearest to him. However, fate pushed him not to. He watched Aros’ hand tighten around the gun.
The cool metallic feeling on Aros’ hand comforted him a little as he began to clench the trigger with his finger. Aros spoke quiet and calm the final words Renart would ever hear, ‘Let my word be my downfall. Let your child be next.’
With those words Kronus watched the blood splatter out from behind Renart’s head as Renart bent back awkwardly towards the ground as a dead weight. His legs underneath him as his head hit the end of the carpeted isle and the Sunday Missal slid from his hands and dropped to the ground beneath him. The mumbling words of a praying priest and the crying screams of a pain stricken widow all raced in Kronus’ mind.
The blonde man, who sat near the back, soon after Renart’s death, got up and calmly walked out the front door of the church. No one noticed him leave and barely noticed him ever arrive.
Those final words of Aros were acted upon before the bullet was ever shot and Kronus slit the throats of the two men who guarded Renart’s wife. He grabbed her as safely as he could for he feared of hurting the baby and ran towards the exit. Bullets being fired, the wooden pews were being shot up into pieces. Kronus laid Sali around a corner and came back out with two fully loaded Berettas in his hands. Firing none stop and never letting his fingers rest as the bullets sprayed back and forth in both directions.
Kronus ducked down and rolled back behind the wall where Sali rested and he helped her up leading her out the door. Kronus’ car waited outside and he helped her into the back seat as hastily as he could.
Kronus jumped into the driver’s seat and roared the engine on. He sped off as he heard bullets hitting the side and back of his car. He looked back to make sure that none of the bullets pierced through the vehicle and hurt the carrier of the next intended.
Looking through his rear-view mirror he saw the fight carry on as many of Renart’s followers fell to the cold ground one by one. Squeezing his eyes hard, he prayed for their souls.
He drove on and Sali finally calmed herself and sat upright as an awkward silence moved throughout the car. He stared ahead, focused and calm in appearance, but his mind like a tornado stricken building falling and smashing onto the hard ground.
Sali sat fatigued from remorse and thought over in her mind how well prepared she was for that moment but it was all the hardship even still. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out and her body went back to a relaxed state sulking in her seat.
She looked over at Kronus in the driving seat ahead and to the left of her and saw that his eyes swelled. Another tear streamed down her face, for as tough as Kronus was, Renart was too well loved to be forgotten.
Sali at only the age of twenty-one was alone and bearing a secret too heavy for her shoulders. She was beautiful, thin, slight and delicate like a rare rose of an exotic color. Now she was pregnant, slouched, bagged, and tired like a lonely widow with no family to comfort her. Those were the days in which she judged her character.
Now her son was her only future, devoted to Renart she was making it her place in life to raise the son of a righteous legend.

What do you think. Read all 3 parts and tell me what you think. This was just chapter 1 of 31... i am currently writing chapter 13. : )
Try not be harsh about grammar and stuff... it is un-edited. The way it is is the way i wrote it originally back in Sepetember. : P

P.S. Fox.. the entire first chapter. Dun have to rea dit all i none sitting lol.

You need more situational descriptors. More feel for the moment.

At 12/4/04 06:22 PM, Noctroler wrote: You need more situational descriptors. More feel for the moment.

You need to elaberate. I am not sure what you fully mean?

You need to let me know what things feel, smell, and sound like. Describe the situation and action with the character's (who's in perspective) "feel."

Well, yes of course... it is un-edited or revised. However, i have not read it in a while... i thought i tried to do some of that.
Thanks for your advice. I will re look it over of course. I wish you had of pointed out where you mean more specifically?

So im curious of you... are you a writer? To what depth would you say? Like... i mean, what do you write? What have you written? and have you been published?
I am curious, because Fox said he enjoyed reading what he has of yours so far.

I focused on creative and classic writing in my last two years of highschool and did quite well. I'm hoping that I'll be accepted into the Journalism program at Ryerson University in the spring, the interview a week ago went pretty well and I got a good response on my portfolio material. I am currently in contact with a local publisher who's been a family friend for years and he said he may help me get one of my stories published. Anyway, so I'm currently canvassing all the means of critical anaysis currently availble to me and I've got some good response from my friends but they really can't offer any really good ideas.

I dunno what time it is where yopu lot are but its after midnight where I am and Im tired. So Im off to bed. See you all tommorow .

At 12/4/04 07:18 PM, Noctroler wrote: I focused on creative and classic writing in my last two years of highschool and did quite well. I'm hoping that I'll be accepted into the Journalism program at Ryerson University in the spring, the interview ...

Oh ya... i plan on taking English and Fine Arts wherever I end up going next September. I just finished applying (im in grade 12) to York, UFT, Ryerson and Nipissing.
I actualy write articles all the time. Freelance editorial peices for my local newspapers and surrounding areas.. I write monthly articles for an ontario hockey magazine. I do not want to get into journalism, but i guess i am a student journalist right now in a sense.
I had a similar run i nwith a publisher, but i didnt know him. I was approached after writing a short story by one of my teacher's reletives who is a canadian publisher. He read some of my novel and said he was interetsed in seeing it when it is done. So that should be cool : ) ... he said he really liked my idea (i wrote him a synopsis to read also).

Anyway, wow, sounds like you got a start, however, journalism is not very good pay. I know a few. One of which works for the Toronto Star... a friend of my fathers. If you love writing, then go for it, but if your worried about money... it might not be your best choice.

Well I never really believed any of my teachers or my parents when they said my work was really good. I just though they where "being nice" and I was a little afraid to show my work to my friends since they kinda generally shun hard workers and scholars. So, it all comes done to who I can find on the internet, which I think is better than friends since people here tend to be brutally honest.

At 12/4/04 07:57 PM, Noctroler wrote: Well I never really believed any of my teachers or my parents when they said my work was really good. I just though they where "being nice" and I was a little afraid to show my work to my friends since they kinda generally shun hard workers and scholars. So, it all comes done to who I can find on the internet, which I think is better than friends since people here tend to be brutally honest.

That is very true. People would tend to be more honest here, because they have nothing to lose... but respect i guess. Which means nothing over the internet.
My love is for poetry, and i post my poetry all the time. People seem to enjoy it. I was offered by one person to make one of my poems into a flash. He has started creating it already which i thought was cool. It is nice to see my writing get portrayed into flash. One of my short sotries is being created into a flash sometime early 2005 also by a different artist. I cannot wait to see'em both.

The Doctor is banned, so all know.
I told him we wont go far, we will just say Harold is taking care of Roland in the inn until he gets back and awakes.

Just telling everyone so they know not to try and wake him up or claim hi mdead like one guy wanted to do. lol.

Cheers,

At 12/4/04 08:57 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: The Doctor is banned, so all know.
I told him we wont go far, we will just say Harold is taking care of Roland in the inn until he gets back and awakes.

Just telling everyone so they know not to try and wake him up or claim hi mdead like one guy wanted to do. lol.

Cheers,

Dang, banned? but he is improtant in the Immortals RP too, dang, thats gona hurt

At 12/4/04 09:14 PM, Haloman wrote: Dang, banned? but he is improtant in the Immortals RP too, dang, thats gona hurt

Yup, read his sig if you wanna know why he was banned. It is kinda funny. : )

i reached my post limit in WOR (dangit!!!)
but i just wanted to say...

At 12/4/04 09:36 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: (ya, i kno.. it is kinda creep Haloman bein a guy lol.. no effence... just weird.)

Yes sry, im really not trying to be a perv, just experimenting with other character types, cause everyon picks guys, and i thought it would be fun to try somthing different, im not some 43 year old guy in hs basement, lol, im 16 and a writer just trying somthing new *dares to be different!!!*

At 12/4/04 09:42 PM, Haloman wrote: Yes sry, im really not trying to be a perv, just experimenting with other character types, cause everyon picks guys, and i thought it would be fun to try somthing different, im not some 43 year old guy in hs basement, lol, im 16 and a writer just trying somthing new *dares to be different!!!*

lol it is cool... i am just teasing you. I reached my limit too and iwanted to post one last time b4 i leave. GRR! My closing post for the day is kind of imortant to the storyline and development of my charcter.

At 12/4/04 09:50 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

lol it is cool... i am just teasing you. I reached my limit too and iwanted to post one last time b4 i leave. GRR! My closing post for the day is kind of imortant to the storyline and development of my charcter.

yea, before i sign off for the night i gota tell everyone off in the WOR too :P, u know, make my point known.

At 12/4/04 09:51 PM, Haloman wrote:

At 12/4/04 09:50 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

lol it is cool... i am just teasing you. I reached my limit too and iwanted to post one last time b4 i leave. GRR! My closing post for the day is kind of imortant to the storyline and development of my charcter.

yea, before i sign off for the night i gota tell everyone off in the WOR too :P, u know, make my point known.

hmm? bout the girl thing?
Ya sure if ya feel ya need to, but no worries i think most of us are joking... i am anyways.

PLEASE READ MY FIRST CHAPTER ON PAGE 22!!!
It is devided into three parts all on page 22. I would appreciate the critique and/or praise.
Thanks guys.
And goodnight.

yeah read my story to! well what I have of it. I didnt even write it in a word processor first, Just wrote it straigt onto the place where you type your post. I'll copy and paste later though, back to homework now.
Strange all the times I get on allot of people are signing off, oh well g2g thx by!

ok I set up a website through Free webs where we can go and RP, but its in chatroom style and I dont know how to do the forum style, plus I cant create a member form until 7 days, I doubt this website will be any better than the Writers Guild or WOR forums we have on NG, but we can go here as a last resort if we need to, check it out and tell me what you think K? heres the url: http://www.freewebs.com/1591317/

Hey Myst I read all of it (I did :P ) and that was great!
Also I should have my first chapter finshed by late tonight but it by midnight not be as long Im going to write a book with sorta short chapters and about 300 pages which would be by the size of my chapters...........about 17-23 chapters (lol please dont ask how I figured that out) Anyway Godd Job there!

At 12/5/04 02:14 AM, G-MAN490 wrote: ok I set up a website through Free webs where we can go and RP, but its in chatroom style and I dont know how to do the forum style, plus I cant create a member form until 7 days, I doubt this website will be any better than the Writers Guild or WOR forums we have on NG, but we can go here as a last resort if we need to, check it out and tell me what you think K? heres the url: http://www.freewebs.com/1591317/

Wow, this is a pretty cool idea, i chcked it out, basically the chat room style is pretty cool. i myself have never tried it, would it keep the hystory of things we've posted? cause if not, we could run into some trouble with people who have missed things, if it does then sweet, myabe i could just notbe lazy and creat a word document of it all or somthing, just a thought.

Sorry I haven't been on in so long, if there is something I missed I'll read up on it. The last few days have been hell.

Post soon