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hell i'm still workin on my piece with nitro and with help from Andersson it's goin pretty well i keep addin to it everyday and so far it looks like i's gonna be a kik ass story but i need a name for the feline grl any suggestions???

At 11/6/05 03:39 AM, AnimeDruid wrote: hell i'm still workin on my piece with nitro and with help from Andersson it's goin pretty well i keep addin to it everyday and so far it looks like i's gonna be a kik ass story but i need a name for the feline grl any suggestions???

Kitty? Kat-Rina?Fluffy?

yeah, I have no good ideas a syou can see.

At 11/5/05 09:03 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: Doctor... if you are as out of it as you said in the general then I don't mind waiting a day untill you are up to critiquing my piece... just whenever you get the chance, we are all busy

Yah, I'm going to have a semi-hectic schedule today. I have a bit of work stuff to check up on, a sunday lunch to prepare, some packages to post, an epic meditation session if I get around to it, and then there's the interweb.

OH NOES!

At 11/5/05 09:25 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Doctor, have you completed a novel? Just curous.

Nope, I'm in the preparatory stages of one though. Chances are it won't get properly started for another couple of years, as I'm spending the time formulating the plot, and details of the world/characters. Plus I also need some time to get my writing back up to scratch, and improve as much as possible, as - before I started posting regularly here - it had been years since I last did any serious creative writing.
I think I've mentioned before, my ongoing sci-fi piece is like a very very rough, and abridged first draft of my most developed idea. I've had a couple of other main stories in mind, one being a modern/futuristic "mansion mystery" type thingie, the other a gothic horror, possibly set in the Middle East.

At 11/5/05 09:30 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: Theprologue to my novel is in my sig "The Death of a Hero" if you ever have the time to read it and give thoughts (you may have read it in here before... I am unsure).

I've skimmed it a couple of times, looks like a good scene. Perhaps I'll work that into my schedule sometime :)

At 11/6/05 07:15 AM, -TheDoctor- wrote: I think I've mentioned before, my ongoing sci-fi piece is like a very very rough, and abridged first draft of my most developed idea. I've had a couple of other main stories in mind, one being a modern/futuristic "mansion mystery" type thingie, the other a gothic horror, possibly set in the Middle East.

Well, best of luck. When my site goes up in December, be sure that you will have my full support if you are looking for more exposure. : )

I've skimmed it a couple of times, looks like a good scene. Perhaps I'll work that into my schedule sometime :)

Thanks. I really appreciate it.

I think i'll join this. I often have a few ideas floating about for a story and i've always wanted to make a flash. The problem is that i want to make sure i know exactly what i'm doing. So learning flash will take me a while. In the meantime, i thought writing a couple of short stories or something would be a good idea. Especially with constructive criticism here and there. So, i'll try to come up with something soon.

clovaic thats great welcome can you post a sample of your work for us please thx oh also welcome again

Okey dokey, just read through GumOnShoe's piece, here be my comments:

Frist and foremost, you currently have a lot of raw idea lying around there. What I mean by this is that you have the foundation of a plot, characters, and the world in which they function, but as of yet there don't seem to be many details, this gives the whole thing a bit of a generic feel. You really rushed into the plot, it's good that you have the ideas, but at present they aren't padded out by much. It's like a peanut butter sandwich - peanut butter is tasty on it's own, but it's primarily designed to be eaten with other things. Although the bread may be bland, if you apply just the right amount of filling to it, it becomes a delicious treat, that you can really get your teeth into and enjoy.
#1 on your list of things to include here is padding. Solid plot is often hard to sink into, as was your first section. After that, however, things started to slide into place nicely, it seems like you have a good feel for the fantasy genre, I'd certainly like to see you do more with it.
Things to do:
- PADDING: make sure the plot doesnt run away with the story too quickly.
- Setting: try to avoid too many fantasy clilchés, this can be done by mapping out the details of everything you include. For example, the idea of wizards - you could think up perhaps an alternate name, and background for them. Alternately make them unconventional, Tolkien's Gandalf, and King's Man In Black spring to mind.
Gandalf - rarely uses magic in the conventional sense. Being a wizard instead seems to simply mean that he is very wise.
Man In Black - magic isn't used as a weapon. Guns aimed at him simply misfire, most of his actions are "abnormal" rather than magical.
- Location description: try to throw in facts about new aspects of the setting rather than going over old ones. It's good to describe the setting before anything else.
- General polishing of metaphors and descriptive techniques.

So, that's my two cents.
Are you planning to do a rewrite of this? I think it would really help. You don't have any problems with the plot, but it felt like every word I read was relevant. There wasn't much let up, a few extra scenes with more mundane happenings would make the whole thing a pleasure to read.

ok hows this so far yet just a draft reviews welcome
After being falsely accused of murder an elf named Skye Tauron flees town of Silverwoods (a place which is forbidden to all but two races the Elves and Furlines) and takes up the job of joining an elite small force called Element who protects a wealthy and powerful man. For unknown reasons, many people in Jessiple (the town in which the man lives) have found certain grudges against this man the only person that knows why is president Seth himself.
Now Skye and his work associates were now in a train called ‘The pebble’ they were on their way to see president Seth to do a job for him. “Skye, Skye wake up you lazy git!” exclaimed Bob the human. A few moments later Skye opened his eyes and then … fell back to sleep or so it would seem, “SKYE YOU STUPID LAZY SPIKY ASSED ELF WAKE UP!!!” bellowed Bob “SHUT UP you idiot I’m awake, closing my eyes helps me concentrate” said Skye with an enormously long sigh after. “Will you two shut up” shouted a Feline girl whom Skye had still not learned her name

At 11/6/05 01:14 PM, -TheDoctor- wrote: Okey dokey, just read through GumOnShoe's piece, here be my comments:

Wow, some wonderful critique... I hope you are as thorough with mine. : )

At 11/6/05 01:26 PM, AnimeDruid wrote: ok hows this so far yet just a draft reviews welcome

For a very rough draft that gives the basic idea of whats going to be happening in that part of the story, it doe sits job. Its short and to the point and it tells us whats going to happen.

thank you that is just what i wanted to hear

At 11/6/05 01:27 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:

Wow, some wonderful critique... I hope you are as thorough with mine. : )

I sure will be. However, it's time for me to grab some candy and sit down to watch Terminator 3.

At 11/6/05 03:26 PM, -TheDoctor- wrote: I sure will be. However, it's time for me to grab some candy...

Enjoy yourself, mate.

Two more poems:

Arms Length But More

“Weeping tree of slender arms,
do you speak the tongue of volume?
For I, a man, have had the length
to reach and touch, but not handle.”

Above the crier, there sings a choir
of twenty or more beaked felons,
and with their song, travels long arms
that swing and sway with Marion.

“I see you there, an arm away.
Why can’t you be my partner?
I sit here dear, awaiting my chance
To reach and steal from under.”

Hold my leave. Not others.

Beautiful Girl

A shy little girl hides behind her mother’s leg
as she is introduced to the unknown crowd.
Each individual gives a comforting smile,
awing at the features of the beautiful girl.
Limestone lake eyes glisten in the light,
rose petal cheeks rise with new sights,
and a smile, a tender, catching smile,
matures with every counting second.

is this a good idea?

ive decided to make a bbs story in an alternate reality in Russia,communists have risen up again and America and his freinds,Britain and France,have set out to take them down.I need about 6 members to be in a team.i will pick out whoever i feel like but if you are to join list what your job in the team is(sniper,grenadier,etc.)but im team leader.also i will need a few other members to be president of America and the communist leaders and such.i dont know when i will actually make the story though,might take a while and well it might not.i can make a few side appearances too as civilians fighting and such.

its my first bbs story btw

Here is another poem, but it is designed a certain way visually (that I cant really do here on NG), and I would rather people read it here at my dA account. So that it is read the way it is meant to be.

Grave Marker

Liquid eyes are about the cold
while the sun drips downward
and stains your worsted-wool
a grey and burning red…

Steel bar arms stack tight
as the door melts sealed
and wards off the gloom
of bronze and solid lead…

Frozen asphalt of private remorse
contains your every facial decay
and echoes the lines in a ballad
of birds and a single bed…

Footprint slabs augment below
“to mark my home in your life”
and deliver the black suit man
a news clip of the dead…

At the bottom we can hide from them forever.

A soft wind blew over the shores of Eastern Shrin, causing the beach waves to monotonously crash upon one another. It was night and all was calm, with stars glowing in the sky and trails of clouds drifting in the heavens. The beach held few trees, even those of tropical nature. Only grass could be seen growing beyond the outskirts of the golden sands, where the huge plains of Shrin began to roll. This small place was some distance away from Shrin’s port; the famous Suruilya. The sand bore no footsteps and there appeared to be no sign of nature. However, there was the single exception. A single camp fire a short distance from the beach flickered, which indicated signs of human kind.

Just a sample introduction paragraph about a particular area. Does it flow well?

At 11/8/05 03:51 AM, Alkador wrote: Just a sample introduction paragraph about a particular area. Does it flow well?

At first, it seems you use one too many adjectives for the description. Personally, I had difficulty with the flow of the first sentence. However, after reading on I realized that there were just enough words to make the paragraph flow instead of falter. So, does it flow well? I'd say it flows decently and that you shouldn't change much to it (if you wanted to). Overall, it's a solid introduction paragraph.

At 11/6/05 10:29 PM, Redder44 wrote: is this a good idea?
its my first bbs story btw

It's a good idea, however, I'm not sure how thorough you can be with it. It seems like there is A LOT of information that you have to give to the reader. But if you're really serious about it, then by all means, go for it. Just keep in mind that you'll need to supply enough information, fluidity, suspense, and all other key element to a story in order to make it a good, if not decent, story.

At 11/8/05 03:51 AM, Alkador wrote: A soft wind blew over the shores of Eastern Shrin, causing the beach waves to monotonously crash upon one another.

Try replacing 'monotonously' with 'idly'. I'd never view the sea as boring, but beaches can convey a relaxed, almost lazy attitude.

A single camp fire a short distance from the beach flickered, which indicated signs of human kind.

Signs of human life or human presence perhaps.

Just a sample introduction paragraph about a particular area. Does it flow well?

Yeah, it flows well. Maybe I wouldn't go about naming the country where you are, since it tends to bring politics in and that can ruin the tranquil mood. The description was a good one though.

At 11/8/05 05:42 AM, Coop83 wrote: Yeah, it flows well. Maybe I wouldn't go about naming the country where you are, since it tends to bring politics in and that can ruin the tranquil mood. The description was a good one though.

Alrighty. Thanks for your tips (and the guy above). I just decided to sit down and change the introduction to my story. I took my time to write that, so I wanted to see if any of my big errors show up or not. Thanks for your comments, I'll see what I can do.

At 11/8/05 06:42 AM, Alkador wrote: Alrighty. Thanks for your tips (and the guy above). I just decided to sit down and change the introduction to my story. I took my time to write that, so I wanted to see if any of my big errors show up or not. Thanks for your comments, I'll see what I can do.

Any time Dan, all you ahve to do is ask.

Where have they gone?
The men from tales.
To ride adventer on the dawn.
Whether by horses or sails.

To walk the land
In search of respect and honor
To brave the harsh desert sand
In search of valor

What happened to respect, to fellowship amoung men?
What happened to those who would brave the lion's den?

All is nothing
Nothing is all
Laugh and suffer the sting
Sting and suffer the fall

Who are you to make the call
Why do you play with the world as if it was a child's doll

When nothing is sacred
And all nothing
And nothing said

To what shall we cling?

At 11/8/05 03:51 AM, Alkador wrote: Just a sample introduction paragraph about a particular area. Does it flow well?

I think so, but when you come to the part that starts with "However", it kinda breaks the smoothness of the introduction.

I do not know for sure, but I think you could be able to keep the soft and gentle genre that you start off with.

Good one though. =)

I do not expect everyone to understand everything in this poem, as it is a bit abstract and meant to play on the mind with its images and words, but I do hope everyone comes off with their own opinion by the final line and has a personal understanding of the piece. So please don't let the ambiguity and abstract wording annoy you. I hope you feel the emotions and the momentum the poem builds.

It is loosely inspired by Radiohead.

In My Asylum

The quiet words hardly hum
and whisper the truths of nothing.
A pillow breathes, a dust-smoke
rising with the room. Break
the windows, shatter the glass,
we are here to softly call
the emotions of the thorns,
and the cauliflower of the high.

A lifting of the seat, and the driver
blown away. A zephyr-whistle
circles the collar of the earth
and cancer. Awaken day,
as strips of apple fall and rot.
Kick in the door you fucking failure;
it won’t change the way you are.
Salvage the day, and skin the fruit.

The crawling of the river’s floor
is traveling fingers through
a thick head of hair. We turn
off our headlights – the cushion
swelling. The subtle murmur,
now a pleasant tone. The singing
voice, among the care of drums.
Let fire breath and cover your concealed.

In doubles the chill appears,
and travels to higher ground.
The being escapes the confinement
of the waters, and gives light
to the egg shells out back my mind.
Prudent entrance is the knocking
on a white, wooden barrier.
Zeal is the banging on the glass.

Watch the waters run with colour
of the doll within itself. Don’t close
any words, and keep taking in the dust,
or adjust to be about the mark
that never moves, nor breathes.
And be the shadow within the dark –
A level hat that creeps sheet’s end,
but will never grab a limb.

A rise in sea, and call for more
as tangent ridges rub and shape
the roughness of hair upon skin.
It is such a change. The camera lies,
as gutless cries howl the words
of dieing loved ones. Hear the stampede;
clenching fists, and twisted arms
will become what is determent.

And then the people scream,
and as they run they scramble
their vision in sight of emergency.
In the shadows, that dark corner
of the hospital bed, we hear a laugh.
And now, we are alive, and everything
is forming a quick and painful end.
You squeeze my neck.

I yell for more, but scream the name
of the nurse down the hall. We are
warned for ever, but I hope
you choke yourself instead.
Just try me; fucking take my door,
and your pride with the hinges.
You can break into my heart,
but you can’t stop my exit.

I have not posted any new poems in the "Late Night Lounge" for a while, so I wrote this to give the readers something. =P
And ofcourse it means more than just words.

-=My Love To Her=-

I watch her smile and see her face
I cry out of joy, my heart rise it's pace

I shiver and realise that even if you were mine
You would always be worth better, my lost as thine

As the grass won't grow without the sun's rays, without you I would not have lived for all those days

I thole to watch your beauty every day, but it is worth my life just to be with thou
The thought of that we might some day be together, is what makes it worth living and gets me thro'...

Whoo! I will join!

At 11/8/05 07:10 PM, Sonichu wrote: Whoo! I will join!

Welcome man. Post some of your writing for us to read.

Comments on my poems?

At 11/9/05 07:36 AM, Myst_Williams wrote: Comments on my poems?

Want me to [Copy] > [Paste] my comment made in the "Late Night Lounge"? =P

But seriously though, I can't wait till we've started writing together. d^_^b