Be a Supporter!

Relationship Crew

  • 236,777 Views
  • 7,633 Replies
New Topic Respond to this Topic
Sensationalism
Sensationalism
  • Member since: Aug. 27, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 35
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Oct. 17th, 2012 @ 08:56 PM Reply

At 10/17/12 07:32 PM, Entice wrote: I wish I could go back in time and meet her again... that'd be perfect. Anyways how do I get back with someone after I've fucked up the relationship?

Woah! You were together for an extremely short time, you should be over her by now! You're still being clingy and it's been half a year since your 2week relationship ended.
You definitely shouldn't contact her. She's not interested in you and it'd be incredibly creepy to contact her now. Get over her, heal up, move on. You're just going to harm yourself and miss out on meeting that girl who is even better because you'll be too busy obsessing over something that is done.


The sig that I'm wearin? Awesomely made by Skaren!
Also, I like annoying Americans by calling English football "real football" and American football "rugby".-Lost-Chances

BBS Signature
Entice
Entice
  • Member since: Jun. 30, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 13
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Oct. 18th, 2012 @ 12:30 AM Reply

At 10/17/12 08:17 PM, DarkSoldier wrote: stuff
At 10/17/12 08:56 PM, Sensationalism wrote: She's not interested in you and it'd be incredibly creepy to contact her now.

You're right... and I've been called creepy to my face before. It's always a good reality check and I guess that's what I need right now.

I've been apathetic about meeting new people. I feel pretty confident right now but I'm still pretty awkward around girls... it's just an awkwardness that's comfortable for me. Hell, I think I've gotten worse at it since I've gotten to college.

Sensationalism
Sensationalism
  • Member since: Aug. 27, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 35
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Oct. 18th, 2012 @ 01:55 PM Reply

At 10/18/12 12:30 AM, Entice wrote: I've been apathetic about meeting new people. I feel pretty confident right now but I'm still pretty awkward around girls... it's just an awkwardness that's comfortable for me. Hell, I think I've gotten worse at it since I've gotten to college.

The only thing that's going to make it more comfortable is practice. Just talk to them more, doesn't even have to be flirting or someone you're interested in.
I was very quiet, didn't like or feel comfortable talking to people. Now I'm totally fine with it because I had to do it a lot at work and school. I still prefer my alone time but it's not so bad.


The sig that I'm wearin? Awesomely made by Skaren!
Also, I like annoying Americans by calling English football "real football" and American football "rugby".-Lost-Chances

BBS Signature
WillCo
WillCo
  • Member since: Oct. 21, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 05
Gamer
Response to Relationship Crew Oct. 18th, 2012 @ 10:35 PM Reply

Recently ended a 4 year relationship with a girlfriend who abused me, used me and made me do literally everything. I'm also a single parent now through her and she cheated on me with several different people at different stages. She also had a second boyfriend at one stage. I'm only 21. (advice: If a girl is attractive but emotionally damaged, do NOT think you can help them get over it)

I may be a source of advice if people want me to stick around and talk about spotting cheaters, abuse and such, considering the time and amount of opportunities I've had to witness/suffer from the behavior.

However I also need help in that now I can't trust females. I know it's the bitches turn nice guys into assholes, assholes turn nice girls into bitches dilemma. I'm a strong believer in sexual equality and morals, but find my stances being challenged by what has happened. I'm worried if I get a new girlfriend it won't be because I actually have feelings for them.

Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Oct. 28th, 2012 @ 11:43 AM Reply

At 10/26/12 01:25 AM, SkeletonSoldier wrote:
At 10/18/12 10:35 PM, WillCo wrote: However I also need help in that now I can't trust females. I know it's the bitches turn nice guys into assholes, assholes turn nice girls into bitches dilemma. I'm a strong believer in sexual equality and morals, but find my stances being challenged by what has happened. I'm worried if I get a new girlfriend it won't be because I actually have feelings for them.
I'm sorry for the emotional trauma you've experienced. I hope that someday you will be able to trust, and believe in the female gender. It's true when you're in a relationship with someone with emotional or mental problems,you're in a relationship with those problems as well. If your next girlfriend is kindhearted,gentle and sweet she will melt the Icey barriers surrounding your heart,love and other warm fuzzy feelings will become natural as a result. As for now,that barrier is a good way of protecting yourself so you're unattached to any toxic relationships. Once you're in them it's hard to get out when you're attached. So it may just be a blessing in disguise.

I agree. The trauma you've suffered, though painful, is the thing that'll help you get a more loving relationship in the future. However, it will only do so if you look at it as a lesson you can learn from. For example, you've already said that it's unwise to think you can help her solve her problems. That's a major lesson. I occassionally aid my girlfriend in finding the right answers to her problems which is fine but it's never good to solve her problems for her. It takes away an opportunity to grow as a person and feel strong.
Secondly, I hope you can see that letting a girl walk over you won't make her want to be with you more or appreciate you more. Boundaries are a hugely important part of relationships, as well as consequences to crossing those boundaries. She cheated, and I don't mean this in a mean way, because you've let her. You let her walk over you, crossing your boundaries so she had to found out if you were weak or had no feelings at all so she kept looking for the next step, the next challenge to see where you'd draw the line. This doesn't mean you should become domineering but it's vitally important for any relationship to set boundaries and let the other person know when something upsets you or when they've crossed the line.

Thirdly, don't be scared to experience new things. Right now your guard is up and as SkeletonSoldier wrote, that will protect you from anyone who's looking for an easy victim to abuse and have their way with. This barrier will help you get to know someone right for you, someone who will make you want to put your shield down. Just do things step by step and don't think of all the things that might happen later on. Remind yourself that you are in control of how far you want to take a new relationship. So get to know new girls step by step and only go a step further once you completely feel comfortable with the way things are going.

You'll be fine


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature
Snuff
Snuff
  • Member since: Oct. 17, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 24
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 3rd, 2012 @ 05:41 AM Reply

At 11/2/12 11:42 PM, Escalus wrote:
So, to this... should I try to mend things, or let experience and an epiphany kick his ass for me?

He sounds like he's far too insecure for you both to have a happy relationship. I'd say moving on would be the best thing to do.

DarkSoldier
DarkSoldier
  • Member since: Jul. 4, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 41
Gamer
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 3rd, 2012 @ 01:14 PM Reply

At 11/3/12 05:41 AM, Snuff wrote:
At 11/2/12 11:42 PM, Escalus wrote:
So, to this... should I try to mend things, or let experience and an epiphany kick his ass for me?
He sounds like he's far too insecure for you both to have a happy relationship. I'd say moving on would be the best thing to do.

I agree. He has shown to be very insecure about himself. Like Snuff wrote, it is best to move on.


Need advice? Visit the RELATIONSHIP CREW!

BBS Signature
Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 10th, 2012 @ 04:33 PM Reply

At 10/31/12 01:50 AM, SkeletonSoldier wrote: Vincoid,Newgrounds needs to award you with some kind of Advice God award. Props to you man,you help out so many people.

Thanks man, it's really nice to hear you say that!

As for your situation Escalus, there's nothing you can do to change the way he feels. Though it might sound extremely confusing, his inability to love you is real. It is in our nature to want to please the people we care about. The number one priority in pleasing a partner is by offering them yourself. When someone isn't confident with who they are, even though you tell them that there's nothing wrong, they won't be able to feel love for you because they don't feel it for themselves. As weird as may be, everyone must be able to love themselves before they can love another.
Can you do anything about that? Not as far as I know. They must help themselves first by fixing what they hate about themselves or realizing that the ideas they have are nonsense. Telling him won't change a thing, he has to find out for himself that his beliefs are bullshit and are limiting who he is and what he can have in life (in this case you).

So don't hold yourself responsible for his feelings of inferiority. Do what he isn't capable of and enjoy your life as you please ;)


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature
Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 12th, 2012 @ 12:10 AM Reply

At 11/10/12 04:33 PM, Vincoid wrote:
Can you do anything about that? Not as far as I know. They must help themselves first by fixing what they hate about themselves or realizing that the ideas they have are nonsense. Telling him won't change a thing, he has to find out for himself that his beliefs are bullshit and are limiting who he is and what he can have in life (in this case you).

So don't hold yourself responsible for his feelings of inferiority. Do what he isn't capable of and enjoy your life as you please ;)

I'm just going to add to this a quote I heard from the excellent movie "The Perks Of Being a Wallflower":
We accept the love we think we deserve. Which, of course, screws over most of the world, but it's a nice quote anyhows.
If the fella has dick problems, that's his beef. Us guys never figured out if girls like us for our size or not, or even if they DO like dicks or sex. We'll never know, and every guy, even porn stars, are a wee bit insecure about that.
Because let's face it, girls are so gorgeous and amazing, and we're just smelly and disgusting.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
mothballs
mothballs
  • Member since: Nov. 16, 2005
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 37
Game Developer
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 15th, 2012 @ 09:35 PM Reply

At 11/9/12 05:51 PM, Escalus wrote: That's all I can do, I could've raged at him and tell him to put on his big boy briefs and stop being such a pansy but I didn't.

I had to learn this the hard way, and that is that you did the absolute right thing in this situation by not raging at him. It's very, very tempting and hard to avoid doing, but in the end it will pay off. When my ex gf cheated on me, I was so angry I raged at her so bad that she ended up being glad she wasn't with me anymore, instead of feeling guilty which she initially felt.

I've got a strange question of my own. Are relationships in college common? Because over here it really doesn't seem to be, everyone's just into studying all day and having one night stands at parties.

Entice
Entice
  • Member since: Jun. 30, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 13
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 15th, 2012 @ 09:41 PM Reply

At 11/15/12 09:35 PM, mothballs wrote: I've got a strange question of my own. Are relationships in college common? Because over here it really doesn't seem to be, everyone's just into studying all day and having one night stands at parties.

Doesn't seem to be. A lot of really attractive guys I know never have dates, just because they're not interested in it right now.

mothballs
mothballs
  • Member since: Nov. 16, 2005
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 37
Game Developer
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 15th, 2012 @ 09:47 PM Reply

At 11/15/12 09:41 PM, Entice wrote:
At 11/15/12 09:35 PM, mothballs wrote: I've got a strange question of my own. Are relationships in college common? Because over here it really doesn't seem to be, everyone's just into studying all day and having one night stands at parties.
Doesn't seem to be. A lot of really attractive guys I know never have dates, just because they're not interested in it right now.

Kind of figured. All people seem to care about here is studying. I was expecting girls to come a lot easier.

Boss
Boss
  • Member since: Apr. 19, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 31
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 17th, 2012 @ 01:16 AM Reply

how am i supposed to even speak to membars of the oposite sex?


I'm an instigator

BBS Signature
Snuff
Snuff
  • Member since: Oct. 17, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 24
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 17th, 2012 @ 07:43 AM Reply

At 11/17/12 01:16 AM, Boss wrote: how am i supposed to even speak to membars of the oposite sex?

correct spelling is attractive to women

Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 20th, 2012 @ 08:26 PM Reply

At 11/19/12 05:12 AM, SkeletonSoldier wrote:
Men and women are different. Women want love,men want sex. Women want to feel like the only one in your life,they want someone who is financially stable,they want someone who cares for them and treats them as if they're the most beautiful and loveliest person on Earth. When a women loves you she will walk the ends of the earth,she is loyal and cares deeply. Some women will fake it and they don't always care about size,some just enjoy sex because it makes them feel wanted and loved by their partner. For a woman,sex is an offering of her emotional commitment to her male partner. Sex just eases male testosterone levels after the physical activity,the feelings fade and he quickly leaves the girl.
Women know this about men,and this is why they are finicky about their partners. They don't want to be used for sex,but they're actually emotionally hurt and feel devalued as a person when guys they like and actually thought cared,only want them for one thing.

I guess I can't get mad for women hating us so much, we have been quite terrible to them over the course of history. Even so, it's a little unreasonable to say that that's all men want, at least in a logical form. Obviously you'll have those dudes who want that and nothing else, and they do exactly what you say.
The difficulty in being a man in this instance is the knowledge that a good number of women, such as yourself (or maybe not, I don't know) hate us, think that they are the only good gender, and either have sex anyway or rid themselves of us altogether. I will like to reiterate that not all women are like this. Much like men who only want women for sex, it's a select group.
So please, don't think we're ALL like that.
I would like to say here that your idea of romance is what I like to call the "Twilight" model: It's what everyone wants, but can never get. Unfortunately, for both genders, romance is a pretty deadened experience if it's just a desperate attempt to live like it's a crappy movie. I will assure you that no human being, neither us or anyone who has ever lived, will ever have a romance like that. They will either pretend to in the relationships they have or not have any at all.
Also, if a woman doesn't like sex physically, then she shouldn't have it at all if she doesn't want to. If you're offering yourself to a man to make him stay with you, that's just as bad as a man using a woman for sex. Relationships aren't always about sex. If he's as horrible as you say, he'll leave anyway.
Although, to be honest, I don't want to have sex with anyone thanks to your description of it. I mean, if that's all it really is then it is seriously overrated.
If I might ask, if you're a woman, what happened to make you hate men (I'm assuming) or why do you hate men if nothing happened?
If any of this sounds offensive, it's not meant to be, honest.
Love, a very confused guy.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Nov. 20th, 2012 @ 08:33 PM Reply

At 11/19/12 05:12 AM, SkeletonSoldier wrote:
Men and women are different. Women want love,men want sex. Women want to feel like the only one in your life,they want someone who is financially stable,they want someone who cares for them and treats them as if they're the most beautiful and loveliest person on Earth. When a women loves you she will walk the ends of the earth,she is loyal and cares deeply. Some women will fake it and they don't always care about size,some just enjoy sex because it makes them feel wanted and loved by their partner. For a woman,sex is an offering of her emotional commitment to her male partner. Sex just eases male testosterone levels after the physical activity,the feelings fade and he quickly leaves the girl.
Women know this about men,and this is why they are finicky about their partners. They don't want to be used for sex,but they're actually emotionally hurt and feel devalued as a person when guys they like and actually thought cared,only want them for one thing.

I guess I can't get mad for women hating us so much, we have been quite terrible to them over the course of history. Even so, it's a little unreasonable to say that that's all men want, at least in a logical form. Obviously you'll have those dudes who want that and nothing else, and they do exactly what you say.
The difficulty in being a man in this instance is the knowledge that a good number of women, such as yourself (or maybe not, I don't know) hate us, think that they are the only good gender, and either have sex anyway or rid themselves of us altogether. I will like to reiterate that not all women are like this. Much like men who only want women for sex, it's a select group.
So please, don't think we're ALL like that.
I would like to say here that your idea of romance is what I like to call the "Twilight" model: It's what everyone wants, but can never get. Unfortunately, for both genders, romance is a pretty deadened experience if it's just a desperate attempt to live like it's a crappy movie. I will assure you that no human being, neither us or anyone who has ever lived, will ever have a romance like that. They will either pretend to in the relationships they have or not have any at all.
Also, if a woman doesn't like sex physically, then she shouldn't have it at all if she doesn't want to. If you're offering yourself to a man to make him stay with you, that's just as bad as a man using a woman for sex. Relationships aren't always about sex. If he's as horrible as you say, he'll leave anyway.
Although, to be honest, I don't want to have sex with anyone thanks to your description of it. I mean, if that's all it really is then it is seriously overrated.
If I might ask, if you're a woman, what happened to make you hate men (I'm assuming) or why do you hate men if nothing happened?
If any of this sounds offensive, it's not meant to be, honest.
Love, a very confused guy.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 13th, 2012 @ 01:10 PM Reply

I seriously think that at this rate I'm going to die alone.
Seriously, I'm like chick repellent, women just seem to disappear or lose interest whenever I'm around.
Admittedly this is because I'm a hideous and boring guy. I simply don't have a single romantic bone in my body.
Nor do women fantasize about me and stuff like that.
You gotta be attractive, wealthy or famous to attract anyone. Women like power, and I have none of it.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying.
Just felt like expressing myself in a place where no one can figure out who I am.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 13th, 2012 @ 04:43 PM Reply

At 12/13/12 01:10 PM, Glides wrote: I seriously think that at this rate I'm going to die alone.

You mean in this negative state? Because negativity only attracts negativity and women in general are not looking for negativity? Why yes, most likely you will. Not that weird seeing as you hold so many negative believes that keep you from liking someone or being liked.

Seriously, I'm like chick repellent, women just seem to disappear or lose interest whenever I'm around.

They lose interest? So there was interest at first? Then what is it that makes them lose interest? What is it you do that prevents them from liking you? Is it you playing a victim? Is it you creating your own failures to make your expactations of failure come true?

Admittedly this is because I'm a hideous and boring guy. I simply don't have a single romantic bone in my body.

The penis has no bone, that is true.

Jokes aside, you project what you believe and women believe what you project. So yes, you are boring and hideous. Not because it is true, because you believe it to be true.

Nor do women fantasize about me and stuff like that.

Tell me more about the magic of reading the minds of women! Or is it so that you don't know what women think nor fantasize about? So in actuality it might just be that they do fantasize about you?

You gotta be attractive, wealthy or famous to attract anyone. Women like power, and I have none of it.

Power of self. To be who you want to be, live life as you see fit and to have power over your own emotions. That is the power women seek in men. It's a part of what creates attraction. Power of self is to be obtained by any man. In that case it is your own responsibility to obtain it and your own responsibility to allow women to be attracted to you.

But I'm glad you to see that you're being a victim. After all, a victim is powerless. In this case the victim is powerless because you choose to be powerless.

If anyone tells you otherwise, they're lying.

True. Women do want to be attracted to men (or women). It's true you have to be attractive to do so. It's true they like power and it's true you have none.
It's also you true you can have power. It's true that power is waiting for you to grab it and to give direction and meaning to your own life by taking control of it. It's also true that anyone can be powerful and anyone can be attractive. It's also true that negative believes keep you from being powerful and attractive, drag you into a cycle of negativity which constantly reinforces these negative believes and makes you feel like a victim. It's the sad truth that you're doing this to yourself. But it's the best truth to know that you can stop doing this to yourself, man the fuck up and take some control over your own life.

Just felt like expressing myself in a place where no one can figure out who I am.

It doesn't matter who you are. It only matters if you are happy with what you are like.


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature
Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 16th, 2012 @ 03:06 PM Reply

At 12/13/12 04:43 PM, Vincoid wrote:

Right, shit. I was a little drunk when I wrote all that.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 18th, 2012 @ 08:50 AM Reply

At 12/16/12 03:06 PM, Glides wrote:
At 12/13/12 04:43 PM, Vincoid wrote:
Right, shit. I was a little drunk when I wrote all that.

Fair enough. But does that mean it's all false?


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature
sadisticirony
sadisticirony
  • Member since: Oct. 27, 2011
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Artist
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 18th, 2012 @ 01:57 PM Reply

Just a question - is it okay to ask for general friend-making advice here too? Or dating relationships only?

Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 19th, 2012 @ 02:50 PM Reply

At 12/18/12 01:57 PM, sadisticirony wrote: Just a question - is it okay to ask for general friend-making advice here too? Or dating relationships only?

As far as I'm concerned you can ask me anything you'd like. Go ahead ;)


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature
RandomRoarness
RandomRoarness
  • Member since: Jan. 30, 2010
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 12
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 22nd, 2012 @ 01:16 AM Reply

When your girlfriend says Nothing can really make her happy. How should I take this? I just started a relationship with her. Been a week so far. Apparently she's been known to be depressing( I witness worst people than her so it's not as bad as it would seem) and I have known her for 4 years overall.


happy, sad....!?

"if you're ever getting buttfucked go with scarlet velvet " - Bantam

BBS Signature
DarkSoldier
DarkSoldier
  • Member since: Jul. 4, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 41
Gamer
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 22nd, 2012 @ 03:05 PM Reply

At 12/22/12 01:16 AM, RandomRoarness wrote: When your girlfriend says Nothing can really make her happy. How should I take this? I just started a relationship with her. Been a week so far. Apparently she's been known to be depressing( I witness worst people than her so it's not as bad as it would seem) and I have known her for 4 years overall.

Since you have known her for four years, judge by her actions. Do her actions suggest she is a depressed person? She could be trying to "test" you and see how you react to her statement or she could just be really depressed. How do you feel her depression affects your relationship? Is it problematic?


Need advice? Visit the RELATIONSHIP CREW!

BBS Signature
RandomRoarness
RandomRoarness
  • Member since: Jan. 30, 2010
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 12
Melancholy
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 22nd, 2012 @ 07:00 PM Reply

At 12/22/12 03:05 PM, DarkSoldier wrote:
At 12/22/12 01:16 AM, RandomRoarness wrote: When your girlfriend says Nothing can really make her happy. How should I take this? I just started a relationship with her. Been a week so far. Apparently she's been known to be depressing( I witness worst people than her so it's not as bad as it would seem) and I have known her for 4 years overall.
Since you have known her for four years, judge by her actions. Do her actions suggest she is a depressed person? She could be trying to "test" you and see how you react to her statement or she could just be really depressed. How do you feel her depression affects your relationship? Is it problematic?

According to one of my close friends whom dated her for a very brief time back in 09', he said she is a pretty emo character in a sense. Last Nite I had asked her why she felt like she can never be happy. Responding back she said it has been like that since she was 8. Depressed and anxiety. I don't find it problematic but for a guy who hasn't been in a relationship for 3 three years and isn't sure how to go about a relationship now that I am in one, I would like to do the best I can in making her happy without being to persistent nor annoying . Also she said she is not used to affection as I told her I was gonna give her tons of it while being together
That and her past relationships(Not that many) have been abusive(Some verbally, and physically) .
So that sums up everything.


happy, sad....!?

"if you're ever getting buttfucked go with scarlet velvet " - Bantam

BBS Signature
Entice
Entice
  • Member since: Jun. 30, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 13
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 28th, 2012 @ 04:48 AM Reply

I guess I'll just share this story. I suspect that no amount of advice will solve this problem but I need to tell someone about this.

I haven't talked to this girl in months and I recently hung out with her now that I'm back near her. To make a long story short, I was trying to get into a relationship with this girl this summer. It didn't work out because she had problems from her last relationship. I posted about it here and PM'd Vincoid some. I had little to no contact with her until a little over a month ago. She tried to commit suicide and called me. I called the police and got her help. She acts like she's perfectly fine now and she wasn't physically hurt. We've been in regular contact since then and generally she's been cheerful. She was only in a psych ward for three days and her mom said that it was just drama. I don't trust her opinion though. She's tried to commit suicide before and this time she did it because of her relationship with her parents, so how much can her mom's opinion be worth?

So I saw her for the first time in months a few weeks ago. She showed me some letters that she wrote to me while she was in the psych ward. We watched movies in my living room. She has this thing against touching guys, she's afraid of it. By touching I mean absolutely any physical contact with any man at all. She'd gotten more comfortable with me though. The most I do is joke around by tickling her or putting my arm around her, and I stopped trying that a while ago. While we were watching movies we spent a lot of the time messing around like that and joking, laughing, etc. I got brave and stuck my hand up her shirt, just massaging her side and stomach. I asked her if she was okay with it and she said yes, but she just sat there and didn't move. I said "I usually don't say stuff like this directly, but it's hard to tell with you. I don't want to make you do anything that you don't want to do". I said this because it was such a huge jump, like I said four months ago she was terrified at the thought of accidentally brushing against my arm. She said it was okay.

Not to go into any details, we ended up in my room and I tried to get intimate. She squeezed my arm before anything happened, that was her way of telling me to stop. I said that she could tell me verbally if she wanted to. She said that it was hard for her. I drove her home after that. I felt frustrated and disgusted with myself. I felt as if she'd never had any attraction for me and that it had all been wishful thinking. She noticed how upset I was and asked me what was wrong. I lied and said that I was tired and my stomach hurt. When I got back home she texted me to say that she had fun and to make sure that I made it home safely since I was so tired when I was driving.

The next day I got a strange text from her. She asked me if while I was there if I'd noticed a bruise on her right wrist, as if someone had grabbed her arm too hard. I said no, and she said "that's weird, I don't remember getting it". Needless to say, I didn't do this to her. I didn't think much of it at the moment but now I'm worrying about it.

She texted me again and asked if I was okay. I said yes. Her response was "Really? Because for some reason I feel like I'm frustrating you. I mean, I know what you keep trying to do and I keep turning away so I can understand if I'm frustrating you". I said "I guess I should know by now that it's not what you want".

Her reply was "No its fine really. In fact, I actually enjoy that you try. I guess it's something I just need to be worn down on. It will just take me a while to get used to it" What the fuck does that mean, "worn down on"? "Enjoy that I try"? That's a fucking weird way of putting it. It just sounds wrong to me.

She also said that she was afraid of getting hurt again and of losing me as a friend. She said that she hasn't kissed anyone and wouldn't know that to feel about it anymore and then apologized about "being so difficult".

She also said that it was "difficult for her to trust anyone". This actually angered me, because I've done a lot for her and I don't understand how she can't trust me. I didn't tell her, but I texted her back and said something like "I understand what you're saying, but do you think I'd still be here if I didn't genuinely care about you?" She just changed her explanation to "I do trust you, I'm just scared".

A few days later another weird text. We were joking around while I was bored at my grandparents house and she sent a flirtatious text message. That's strange considering how shy this girl is, but the weirder part is what happened next.
She said "That last text wasn't me". I said "Sure it wasn't" jokingly. After that she said "Well, it was me but it wasn't". Then she claimed that the entire conversation didn't happen. Then she said that she was confused and didn't know what I was talking about. I had idea why she was having a psychotic episode over one text so I just said "it's fine, don't worry about it". The reply I got was "Don't worry about what?" I tried to just be logical and just told her to read through her old texts, but she changed the subject.

I told her to text me or call me tomorrow. She didn't. Since then she stopped contacting me first, she's hasn't initiated conversation, but when I contact her she's in a great mood and talks about wanting to hang out with me. Today when I said that I had to go she didn't reply. Again it sounds like something that doesn't fucking matter but it's very odd for her. She usually sends a couple of texts telling me to sleep well and shit.

There's a lot of mixed signals. I just don't know what to think about anything.

DarkSoldier
DarkSoldier
  • Member since: Jul. 4, 2006
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 41
Gamer
Response to Relationship Crew Dec. 28th, 2012 @ 12:53 PM Reply

At 12/28/12 04:48 AM, Entice wrote: There's a lot of mixed signals. I just don't know what to think about anything.

From what you've described, she seems like a very problematic individual: suicidal, trust issues, etc. You have developed feelings for her, understandable, but do you think she is the kind of dating material you would want? Read over your post and ask yourself if she is worth your time. She seems like she's stringing you along, giving you mixed messages as you said. I don't see her being interested in you from what you've told us.

The girl knows you like her. If she liked you too, you would know by now and not come to the conclusion that she's giving you "mixed signals." My advice for you is to move on, find other girls that are worth your time and not willing to play petty mind games.

At 12/22/12 07:00 PM, RandomRoarness wrote:
According to one of my close friends whom dated her for a very brief time back in 09', he said she is a pretty emo character in a sense. Last Nite I had asked her why she felt like she can never be happy. Responding back she said it has been like that since she was 8. Depressed and anxiety. I don't find it problematic but for a guy who hasn't been in a relationship for 3 three years and isn't sure how to go about a relationship now that I am in one, I would like to do the best I can in making her happy without being to persistent nor annoying . Also she said she is not used to affection as I told her I was gonna give her tons of it while being together
That and her past relationships(Not that many) have been abusive(Some verbally, and physically) .
So that sums up everything.

I'm concerned with the state of this girl. You've described her as: depressed, anxious, abused, emotional and unhappy. Those characteristics sound problematic for any relationship, especially a long term one. Her remark that nothing can make her happy describes all her qualities that you outlined. You can try activities or actions that you think would make her happy but I think given her emotional state, it will prove to be beyond your capabilities and not worth your time and effort. That's my take on your situation.

Whether it has been three years, five years or your first time in a relationship is irrelevant. When you're in a relationship, you should continue to act the same way you did before you got into it. People sometimes make the mistake of changing their behaviour and lifestyle when they get into a relationship because they now got the girl. That usually results in a loss of attraction and ultimately a breakup. You have to keep the attraction going at all times. I would say it was a mistake to tell her you were going to give her tons of affection because you might have come off as too desperate or clingy. You live and learn.


Need advice? Visit the RELATIONSHIP CREW!

BBS Signature
Glides
Glides
  • Member since: Jan. 15, 2009
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 06
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Jan. 14th, 2013 @ 08:45 PM Reply

Just because I'm curious to see what the response is:

Does love exist in a romantic capacity? Explain why.
Be sure to factor in stuff like the friend zone and all that.

I personally don't think it does, since half of all marriages end in divorce and most couples break up.
And you know, people get real boring to one another real fast.

Just curious to see what you all think.


Glides is done with his post.

BBS Signature
Entice
Entice
  • Member since: Jun. 30, 2008
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 13
Blank Slate
Response to Relationship Crew Jan. 15th, 2013 @ 01:41 AM Reply

At 12/28/12 12:53 PM, DarkSoldier wrote: From what you've described, she seems like a very problematic individual: suicidal, trust issues, etc. You have developed feelings for her, understandable, but do you think she is the kind of dating material you would want?

Most of the time she's fun to be around and doesn't act as if she ever has any problems at all, so I thought she could get over them and there wouldn't be an issue. Apparently I was wrong.

Read over your post and ask yourself if she is worth your time. She seems like she's stringing you along, giving you mixed messages as you said. I don't see her being interested in you from what you've told us.

I didn't want to believe it because she told me otherwise, directly. But when I confronted her about it again by asking if she wanted me around to make her feel better or because she actually liked me she wouldn't give a straight answer because "she didn't know". I got into a fight with her after that and she hasn't been talking to me much since then so that's that... time to move on.

Vincoid
Vincoid
  • Member since: Feb. 9, 2004
  • Offline.
Forum Stats
Member
Level 42
Animator
Response to Relationship Crew Jan. 15th, 2013 @ 09:41 AM Reply

At 1/14/13 08:45 PM, Glides wrote: Just because I'm curious to see what the response is:

Does love exist in a romantic capacity? Explain why.
Be sure to factor in stuff like the friend zone and all that.

I personally don't think it does, since half of all marriages end in divorce and most couples break up.
And you know, people get real boring to one another real fast.

Just curious to see what you all think.

I absolutely believe it does. However, it does not excist in every relationship and doesn't last in every relationship.

I believe one's capability to love depends on many factors. How much you love who you are contributes greatly. A great many people are incapable of (fully) loving others due to their own insecurities which they project on the other. Once they get used to the loving feeling (which numbs after a while which I'll explain seperately) they start becoming more attentive to their insecurities and put more meaning unto it. So every time their partner does something which makes them feel insecure, they love them less. They're not so much loving the other less, it's rather that their own insecurity creates this feeling and reminds them of how lowly they feel of themselves.

In my opinion, two factors contribute mainly to divorces. The first is that everything you attach meaning to has the potential to create what you consider to be good and bad emotions. The second is that every emotion you feel and become attached to slowly loses it power and causes you to want to create more of it.
Now, if you combine these two things, it automatically creates a downward spiral for anything involving negative emotions. The positive emotions you feel at first are numbed over time, negative things start to happen, they get the upper hand and before you know it you're subconsciously making your own situation worse and worse. That or all senses get so numbed you start going for the extreme so you can feel again (midlife crisis originate from this) and decide this marriage isn't for you seeing as it has numbed you.
Simple truth is that it hasn't, it was you to begin with, but because it's all happening in the unconscious, you'll blame the only thing you can see which is your dead marriage.

These attachments, these meanings, have the power to keep you from loving or can stop the love you feel. We're all trying to attach meaning to everything we see, feel, hear or think. Everything has go to have a purpose or a goal. Nothing can simple be something without us having an opinion or meaning attached to it.

For example, you might be in the greatest loving relationship you've ever been in. Everything is perfect but then, one day, your girlfriend lets one rip. In your eyes this is the most nasty ass thing she could ever do to you so you experience negative emotions, you might even have a fight over it. Now, every time she does this you'll experience these emotions more and more. The act itself is neither bad or good, it simply is. It is the meaning you've attached to it that makes it positive or negative.

Now, this is quite a silly example but it actually is all of these small things that can have a whole lot of meaning attached to it by anyone. You can attach meaning to any single thing you want which will inevitably lead to disappointment and hurt. Just think of all the people bitching about toothpaste caps not being put on, or shit not having been tidied up, etc.
People bitch about the tiniest of things and they become attached to this bitching as well. For most people it's a release since these bitching sessions mostly come from their own insecurities. The positive feelings of love numb, we have no clue how to create them again. Then our negative emtions attached to the bitching numb as well. In contrary to the feeling of love, we know exactly how to create these emotions, so we increase our bitching. We blow our miniscule problems up to extreme proportions untill the moment comes where we can't take it anymore and divorce.
We do not divorce because we've never loved, but because we've forgotten how to love and started bitching instead.

Love and life go hand in hand. Love is the main force behind life, they are pretty much the same. Both love and life flow freely and abundantly when you do not try to control the stream. All the attachments you create are like dams you build to take control. However, life is no gentle stream to be controlled. What happens when you build a dam is that life answers with a giant "Fuck You" and rises, increases in strenght and leaves nothing of the pathetic attempt you've taken to control it. What we do in response is try and build an even bigger dam which in turn gets destroyed as well.
The answer: let it all flow. Without attachment we do not care where life takes us and we end up where we belong. Withut attachement, we let love in our lifes, give out love and do not let love be diminshed by miniscule things we once decided have meaning to us.

Instead simply experience and enjoy.

I myself can speak for this. In my current relationship I've felt love the entire time. I've felt eb and flow through the relationship as my attached meaning to useless shit blocked my ability to feel love. I've had my share of fights over nothing, simply because there was meaning attached to it. I know my love for her will last an eternity if I let go of the meaning I have attached to everything I know. I'll be free to feel love, I'll be free to love and I'll be free to live life.
I'm not saying here that life has a path for us which we must all follow and which will reveal itself once we let go and surrender. However, what letting go does for us is that we start to experience what life creates instead of trying to create our own experiences based on the meanings we attach to it. This way we experience life as it is, find out what feels desirable to us and start moving towards those things. We'll start getting more of what makes us feel good based on what we experience in the moment, instead of obsessively going after what we've once been taught is what we should do. We're not upset anymore if for a moment we do not feel the the feeling we desire. We're not upset if we're not in a relationship or if we're not what other people consider to be succesful.
Just think of all the people in unhappy relationships who are too afraid to let go because people might think they're pathetic for being single. Or people that kill themselves for being unable to acquire the success they think people around them expect to acquire. None of that would happen if we would let go of meaning. We would be free to be ourselves and do what we want for our own reasons. Or for no reason at all, simply because we feel so.

Love flows abundantly in this freedom, and it's restricted in a world of meaning and attachment.

I hope that answers your question or that it might provide you with an answer about yourself you might now have thought to find.


"Never was anything great achieved without danger." - Niccolo Machiavelli

BBS Signature