Hello there everyone, I think it's time to throw down my own relationship woos... yey >___>
And yeah, I'm probably stupid for doing it here. But whatever I need help and I'm shameless in saying that... so here goes
~~~LONG STORY WARNING~~~ :\ (sorry people)
Okay, so I like this girl (a lot) and from the moment I actually saw her, which was the start of the school year. She is gorgeous, cute and beautiful in my opinion (she is rather shy I found out... read on). I'm not attracted to her for lust, although that is apart of it. No, rather I want to be with here more then anything else. I avoid the word love here (although it mostly likely true that I love her,) because I used to love someone else in my past, and well, sadly that word doesn't sound right these days.
Anyways, the big issue I've had ever since I've being attracted to the opposite sex was confidence, as I didn't have any to began with thanks to being bullied a lot from when I was a kid to up until this year (I go to a better school now) and being somewhat neglected by my parents until they realized that I'd probably end up in their basement if I didn't get my shit together (yey). Thankfully, my confidence and my life is on track now, and all things are going OKAY... but I still need to get my shit together though -_-"
If you wondering about past attempts, each time I tried to start an intimate relationship with another girl, It would always turn out disastrous. Because of that,I told myself to not bother her and just worry about school and my life in general. So nothing happened other then me wishing, hoping and at times thinking along the lines of "don't do anything yet... your beneath her... she will just reject you" (yeah... that was my problem then) until about 2 months ago or so.
See, a friend of mine during class was joking around, trying to set me up with some random girls from my class (he was being loud... making sure the other girls could hear). Not wanting to go out with any of the girls he suggested, I told him that I didn't want to be with any of them, as I "liked someone else". Of course, as he was loud after all, they got interested and they asked whom I liked, and I realized then that I had an opportunity here to let my interest know of me and so I told them.
Basically, the idea was this:
1. Tell people that I like her
2. Wait until she hears about it
3. Get a response from her so I can talk to her
I did this because I simply was too fearful, so I was hoping that this would at least show her that I am interested in her before trying anything.
Well, it did work... kinda, as then she knew that I actually liked her (as her friends confirmed it) but things got worse from then on.
Although she showed interest in me, (sending signals kinda stuff) I tried to approach her, but was unable to do so because I was too afraid (self-esteem issues, annoying pasts, you know the drill). This reduced my confidence a lot and made me believe that I should go back to my previous state and just not bother with any of it until I get everything else in my life sorted.
Unfortunately, whilst I was thinking these thoughts before a class, her friends asked me a particular question when she was around, i.e. if I would like to ask a "particular person out, whom you know, has the initials of blah.blah". Being the stupid and tierd person that I am sometimes (I was mostly sleepy at school in those days, so I couldn't pay much attention to surprise stuff like this) I responded "Look, I really don't have the time to bother with that right now because I have more important things to do"... and right in front of her...
smooth Jeromia... smooth
I was too tired to catch on that they were talking about her and I didn't realize what I said had a huge negative impact until half way through a class. Thankfully, she is still interested in me, but she has being avoiding me. Thanks to her avoiding me, it made it to interact with her at all, as now I'm usually too worried if I'm being too pushy or not doing enough whenever I get the chance to be around her (as I don't want to bother her)
Secondly, thanks to me opening up about my feelings, other girls have started to show more interest in me then before. Well, before people were hitting on me here and there, but I never took much interest in it, only dismissing it as a weird coincidence. However it became a more regular event and they tried more pushy ways of getting my interest. It became from people just giving me interested looks and at one case surprising me with proclaiming "YOUR MY FRIEND NOW!" (that went nowhere btw XD), to people engaging highly in conversation or in one case trying to kiss me... yeah O_o . (I emphasis "trying" btw because it didn't work... it also had no harsh consequences on me but that other person made herself look like a fool, that's about it really.)
Thankfully I'm a disciplined individual, so I don't have problems being patient and trying to find a good opportunity to talk to her (so don't worry about that). Issue is, this also makes it more difficult to make concise decisions, as at times I have my moments of doubt, and I wonder whether I should just do the easier thing and go out with someone else (I am human you know... :\ ), which gets me to my next point.
The third problem, and this is the worse in my opinion. The involvement of her friends has spiraled out of control. They were first really interested in this (as they thought it was cute) and encouraged me to talk to her and still do. However, although i don't know what sort of dramas is going on, I have a feeling that me telling everyone about my feelings made a mess. Whether this is big or not, I don't know yet... it's a mystery to me as I'm not in enough in those circles to know. But it's worrying and it is something that I want to apologize for... even if it turns out it's not I want to because well I'm worried...
Anyways, this entire thing has hit me hard, mentally and emotionally. I felt somewhat depressed and had to go through anxiety issues last week. Here's some symptoms so you get my general level of worry:
Staying up all night until the sun comes up, distracting myself with anything to ease the stress of thinking about my problems.
Getting MASSIVELY confused about the world around me when I do wake up... "Is it morning? is it night? Wait, should I sleep soon or should I stay awake now? Am I actually tired now or should I stay up for a little longer?" ... hard to explain but it was an annoyance for a while, especially that I had block exams on that week (a week full of exam shenanigans! :D YEY! *sarcasm*). We had to get a medical certificate to reschedule one exam, as I slept through the day and didn't turn up to school. And on top of that, I didn't do well in general... Oh joy.
Thankfully, I am on a holiday and my plan is to just enjoy my days relaxing and not bothering with anything but my music, video games, some tv shows, Taekwondo and basically having fun whilst improving me as a person.
But there are some questions that I really need answers for here:
1. What could she be feeling that is making her avoid me? Is it because of my actions, or is it because of some other personal reason? (I was told that she was shy and that's why she is avoiding me, but I don't know... I doubt it has to do with me not being attractive... as I am I think :\)
2. How pushy should I be about this? What should I do? I have several ideas and here they are:
2a) Tell her my number/ask for hers and text her... Hopefully get a conversation going and ease some of the tension between us.
2b) Tell her in person my worries.
3. Is there something I'm missing here? Just want to know if I am.
Anyways, geez this took WAY too long to make, and sorry if it's ridiculously long. I'd be very appreciative if one of you guys can make sensible recommendations to help me out, as I really like (or love? idk) this person and I want to make the right decision and for once have a good relationship for a change. (hence all the stress)