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At 4/26/12 11:11 PM, RandomRoarness wrote:

At 4/24/12 05:08 PM, Jesse-Ray wrote:

At 4/24/12 12:39 AM, RandomRoarness wrote: I suppose I should bother you gents for a moment.

She's volatile and just wants to be admired. She sounds awful if she's willing to cheat and dart around relationships as if they're meaningless. Fuck if you want to but both you and her are the assholes in that situation. Also she's not your dream girl you're just deluded by a girl that puts out, which is fun but don't apply anything to it.

Okay. then the best option would be to move on. keep her just as a friend and find someone else.
If i were to keep trying it'll just hurt myself and won't work out i suppose..... finding love is quite difficult. It's no rush as they say though.

I say unfriend that whore, if she can cheat on someone she shouldn't be a friend because she's going to be a pretty shitty friend if she doesn't change her whorish ways.

At 4/27/12 11:35 PM, nakedxbabe wrote: I say unfriend that whore, if she can cheat on someone she shouldn't be a friend because she's going to be a pretty shitty friend if she doesn't change her whorish ways.

I don't really agree. You can be great friends with someone who cheats on their partner. It doesn't necessarilly mean they can't be loyal to you, or that you agree with what they're doing.
As for this particular situation, I hardly think she made him believe there was anything there to begin with. Had she led him on to believe there was a future between them, then she'd be a deceiving bitch and unworthy of being a friend.

Hey everybody. This looks like its going to be a long one.

So I wrote here last saying I was having problems trying to get somebody to like me back. Well things have changed now and I am going out with somebody else who is just incredible. This wonderful and incredible girl broke up with her boyfriend at the time because he was a dick and no longer loved him. Instead she was having feelings for me since I invited her to a music festival with me.

Now everything has been running smoothly and there has been no troubles, since Friday night. I have been on extra strong pain medication because I messed up my shoulder, resulting in surgery two weeks ago. I said something that she disliked and I was to out of it to realize. I had to go back through the messages the next day to realize I had screwed up.

I was speaking to my girlfriend and my Nan at the time. And my nan asked for some pictures of me and my new girlfriend. But I forgot to mention all of that and instead just asked for pics if her. Now I didn't mean this at all, this was entirely by mistake because I as on such strong pain medication.

I tried to speak to her yesterday and it was like speaking to a wall. If she would reply it was short and blunt. So I decided that if I was to make things better, I should probably try and see her. Because it seemed more likely in my head that she would want to hear the truth in person.

So I went in and saw her today and I spoke with her for at least two hours, though she told me that I should probably leave with in the first 30 minutes. I told her that I realized that I screwed up and what I was meant to say didn't come out at all. It was my fault yes, I don't need to be told that, but it was all an mistake, a mis communication if you will.

Now I thought the best way for us to get over it would be to see her face to face and try to resolve the situation as soon as possible. If her or I left it, it would have just festered and added more salt to the wound.

So my question is. Where should I go from here? She told me that she still loves me, she is just really angry and is confused about something. It doesn't really help when she isn't sure what she is confused about. From what I have gathered I have decided that I should probably try and stay back for a little while, so she can decide what to do. Because at the moment I have no power at all.

Thanks in advance to anybody that can help me out.

Best relationship advice for those who don't have a girlfriend but are currently looking for one: stop giving a fuck.

I had to take quite a few rejections to understand that concept. Now my mind is free and I have been a lot more productive with my hobbies than before.

I will only go after a girl if I can tell 100% that she is into me and that she's waiting for me in her room.

At 4/29/12 02:20 AM, twistex wrote: So my question is. Where should I go from here? She told me that she still loves me, she is just really angry and is confused about something. It doesn't really help when she isn't sure what she is confused about. From what I have gathered I have decided that I should probably try and stay back for a little while, so she can decide what to do. Because at the moment I have no power at all.

Thanks in advance to anybody that can help me out.

Give it time. It's probably nothing that's bothering her, just some lingering frustration over what you've said to her. Those frustrations never go away quickly, especially when she's had time to replay it over and over again in her head before you realized what you did.

Try to move on with her. Get her to do fun stuff again with you. It'll all be good again soon.

Give it time. It's probably nothing that's bothering her, just some lingering frustration over what you've said to her. Those frustrations never go away quickly, especially when she's had time to replay it over and over again in her head before you realized what you did.

Try to move on with her. Get her to do fun stuff again with you. It'll all be good again soon.

Thank you for the help.

Yeah I thought so. I have been give her as much space as possible because I knew she was still angry. But of an night time I do try and start a conversation with her. But I "think" after the better half of a week I think she has had some time to relax, calm down and decide what she wants to do from here.

At 5/1/12 06:52 PM, twistex wrote: Thank you for the help.

Yeah I thought so. I have been give her as much space as possible because I knew she was still angry. But of an night time I do try and start a conversation with her. But I "think" after the better half of a week I think she has had some time to relax, calm down and decide what she wants to do from here.

True, but you'll have to be with her physically. She'll forgive and forget eventually since that it is what time will do. However, being around her to prove it was a one time thing and you plan on keeping it like that will make it happen sooner. Not only that, it might make her completely forget about it having happened.

Kay, so there's been a lot of things going on for me in the last couple days.

I haven't really been trying to get a girlfriend lately because I'm just going to go off to college in a few months. Various reasons. I went to prom with a bunch of friends this Saturday. Anyways, there was a girl there that I "dated" in 7th grade. We didn't really know each other that well. I just started talking to her again last year, and we became friends again a bit more recently. For some reason, that day she showed a pretty strong interest in me even though she hadn't before.

I asked her to dance later that night, the first time she got nervous when I placed my hand on her hip (?) and just sort of stopped. A while later, after I danced with another girl she got obviously jealous and then actually danced with me. When her friends left, she asked if I could give her a ride home so that she could stay longer and I said yes. I ended up hanging out with her the rest of the night and she got more comfortable around me as time went on. We ended up making out afterwards right before I took her home.

At that point I assumed that we were dating. Stupid I guess, since we didn't actually talk about it. But since it was the first time that she had even kissed a guy I just assumed that she wouldn't want to get that close to me unless she wanted to be in a relationship. The next day I just chatted with her on Facebook for a bit and then gave her my phone number, cause I wanted to talk to her in person later. She texted me the day after that and we talked for a while.

Finally, today, I talked to her in person and asked her if she wanted to start dating, she said yes. However, she's been acting... differently around me since then. She hasn't been acting the same as when we were friends. I want her to be comfortable around me but she keeps saying that she has social anxiety or that she doesn't get out a lot. What, if anything can I do to change that attitude? Or is just up to her?

I know that the relationship just started but it's already worrying me a bit for some reason.

True, but you'll have to be with her physically. She'll forgive and forget eventually since that it is what time will do. However, being around her to prove it was a one time thing and you plan on keeping it like that will make it happen sooner. Not only that, it might make her completely forget about it having happened.

That does make sense. Never really looked at it that way. Well I did til Monday and she wouldn't even look at me let alone speak to me. So I thought if I was away from her for a little while she could clear her head and decide what she wants to do from there.

But not being there and trying to prove my point doesn't make "me" feel any better. It just gets me more anxious and worried about what "could" happen.

At 5/1/12 10:25 PM, bgraybr wrote: Finally, today, I talked to her in person and asked her if she wanted to start dating, she said yes. However, she's been acting... differently around me since then. She hasn't been acting the same as when we were friends. I want her to be comfortable around me but she keeps saying that she has social anxiety or that she doesn't get out a lot. What, if anything can I do to change that attitude? Or is just up to her?

I know that the relationship just started but it's already worrying me a bit for some reason.

It's perfectly normal for her to behave like this. Relationships create a whole lot of expectation and it can be hard for some people to get used/adjust to that. Seeing as she's never kissed a guy before you I'm assuming she's never been in a serious relationship before, so all she has to compare your relationship with (and the expectations that she has, plus the idea she has of what others expect from her) are stories from other people/movies/songs/etc.
She'll need time to get used to it, get comfortable with it and adjust to you. You'll have to find your way in the relationship as well. Most important thing to do is to keep talking about it. Make sure you know what's bothering her and help her get past it either by pointing out that her logic is flawed (girls are mostly emotional, rarely logical so it's not uncommon for her to be upset about things that aren't actually going on), or by solving the problem.
If you don't talk about it she'll keep thinking about what she's feeling and it'll become worse and worse in her mind untill it can't be fixed anymore. Instead, find out what it is when you can still easily fix it. Don't fix her problems for her though, only provide the answers with which she can solve them herself.

It's also perfectly normal that you're worrying. We all do it once we find something we care about and don't want to lose. Don't let it get in the way of enjoying what you have though. It's a shame if you lose what you have simply because you fear losing it.

I'll make this quick, especially since I know this probably happens to a lot of people.

You're pretty much screwed if the girl you've got feelings for A. doesn't think of you anything beyond some guy she can casually chat with and B. has a boyfriend already, who is perfectly capable of beating you into dust at any second.

It sucks because I can't get this chick out of my head. This has happened before, and I'm hoping these feelings go away soon. But what should I do until then? Or what should I do if it never goes away?

Yeah, Vincoid, I'm the ass who sucks at giving relationship advice.

At 5/2/12 11:03 PM, Glides wrote: You're pretty much screwed if the girl you've got feelings for A. doesn't think of you anything beyond some guy she can casually chat with and B. has a boyfriend already, who is perfectly capable of beating you into dust at any second.

True, though I guess A is pretty much the reason you're safe from B, so that's something positive...

It sucks because I can't get this chick out of my head. This has happened before, and I'm hoping these feelings go away soon. But what should I do until then? Or what should I do if it never goes away?

What did you do last time, and did it go away? What you can do is go live the life you normally live. Assuming you're not obsessing about her all day, that should keep you pretty busy with anything but her. When you do think of her or some feelings arise that are connected with her, reason with them and tell yourself it's not a possibility and there's no need to feel this way.
You can also actively go out to find someone else who's just as/even more interesting than her and could be interested in you as well. I'd say that's a better waste of your energy were it to fail than thinking of an impossible outcome the entire time. It also has the advantage of getting you out there, training yourself to be more social with people whom you've never spoken to before, developing your character (which is an essential and extremely rewarding part of life).

The other day I read this in one of my books; "This life I'm living, it's not a rehearsal, it's not practice, this is the real deal. This is the only chance I'll ever get". What do you want out of life? What are you doing to get it? Do you know how to get it? If not, what are you doing to get the knowledge or skill to get what you want? Are you devoting time out of each day to get closer to your goals?

Live life actively, not on auto-pilot. Think. Act. Achieve. Grow.

True, though I guess A is pretty much the reason you're safe from B, so that's something positive...

Good point.

What did you do last time, and did it go away? What you can do is go live the life you normally live. Assuming you're not obsessing about her all day, that should keep you pretty busy with anything but her. When you do think of her or some feelings arise that are connected with her, reason with them and tell yourself it's not a possibility and there's no need to feel this way.

No, thankfully for me and my psyche I'm not the sort who obsesses about anything like that. I do think about her sometimes, but it's really more of something casual she might have said to me or just an image of her in my head. So, nothing weird, pinky promise. And I understand completely that I have no chance with her. She has no interest in me at all, and besides that, she's out of my league. I may be a cynic, but I'm not stupid (I hope)

You can also actively go out to find someone else who's just as/even more interesting than her and could be interested in you as well. I'd say that's a better waste of your energy were it to fail than thinking of an impossible outcome the entire time. It also has the advantage of getting you out there, training yourself to be more social with people whom you've never spoken to before, developing your character (which is an essential and extremely rewarding part of life).

When that girl pops up, then we'll see. For now, I'm gonna focus on falling out of love with this girl.

The other day I read this in one of my books; "This life I'm living, it's not a rehearsal, it's not practice, this is the real deal. This is the only chance I'll ever get". What do you want out of life? What are you doing to get it? Do you know how to get it? If not, what are you doing to get the knowledge or skill to get what you want? Are you devoting time out of each day to get closer to your goals?

Well, I'm not a Hindu, so I'm not reincarnating when I die. Nice quote, but this is women we're talking about, logic and sense do not apply to wooing them.

Live life actively, not on auto-pilot. Think. Act. Achieve. Grow.

You know, just a thought, but you should do this sort of thing professionally. Self-help and all. You certainly got the right attitude for it.

At 5/3/12 10:25 PM, Glides wrote:

When that girl pops up, then we'll see. For now, I'm gonna focus on falling out of love with this girl.

Sure, but here's why I said it; you're not going to fall out of love doing nothing. When you lose yourself in something else completely, it replaces all the unneccessary stuff. By affirming that your feelings for her are pointless, they will be removed once you're doing something that will make better use of that energy.
Below I'll explain why character development is such a useful way of doing so.

Well, I'm not a Hindu, so I'm not reincarnating when I die. Nice quote, but this is women we're talking about, logic and sense do not apply to wooing them.

That's not completely true. While most women might not show any forms of logic or reasoning, what they find attractive is male qualities. Those qualities are controlled by you, and you're a logical being.
Most men spend go through life thinking they need the perfect thing to say to a woman, or that it's luck, or random. What few men realize is that women respond to certain traits, and traits can be learned, trained and mastered.
For instance: confidence. Confidence can be achieved by anyone in any situation. The more fears you conquer, the more skills you learn, the more confident you'll be. Confidence is the most important factor in attracting a woman. High standard women (the ones who have a lot of traits men desire) are rarely attracted to a man with low self-esteem. If you've ever wondered how a butt-ugly guy scored an A+ chick, it's confidence. (in some cases you might think status or money, but those come from confidence as well).

That's why I never tell guys what to tell a girl (expect in extremely specific situation), but rather what they need to change about themselves in order to become naturally attractive to women. Which doesn't mean you're born with the skills to woo them, but that you'll master the skills by yourself, making them a habit.

You know, just a thought, but you should do this sort of thing professionally. Self-help and all. You certainly got the right attitude for it.

Thanks, I'm working on it ;)

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At 5/3/12 10:37 PM, LaForge wrote:

i have a total inability to trust all human beings on earth. i'm suspicious of even my closest friends. suspicious that they think of me poorly, don't care about me and are only friendly with me to lure me in and talk about me behind my back.

You should be suspicious of that way of thinking. What has it ever brought you in life? What evidence do you have? What possible motivation could someone have to act friendly to you only to talk shit about you behind your back?

even if i cannot overcome my paranoia, how can i at least start a conversation with this person when and if i see her again? keep in mind that i've gone over this scenario a bazillion times in my head and in every simulation i cannot overcome my fear, so "suck it up" will not cut it.

Sorry to tell you this, but that's exactly what you'll need to do. There is no other way of overcoming your fears. If there's be an easy way, there would be no reason to fear in the first place. That's why overcoming your fears is so hard and rewarding. It makes sure that people who are strong enough, disciplined enough, get more out of life because they face their fears, risk it all and grow in life.
Also, we fear what we do not know, what we're not used to. By surrounding ourselves with that which we fear, we experience that it's actually not what we thought it would be, get used to it and master it.
The same goes for thinking someone will betray you. You can make sure you never have to fear it will happen by not engaging a relationship in the first place. You won't be betrayed, but you won't be able to enjoy the other person being in your life either. You'll never be able to be with anyone. I'm guessing that feeling sucks more than trying.

Mostly, I think you need to start questioning yourself and the way you think. As one of my best friends has said perfectly: "When all that ever happens to you is shit, you need to realize that the only constant factor in all of it is you"
You problem is with your thinking. There is not a shred of evidence that anything you've ever thought is true. You can't read minds, you've never asked someone wether they think about you in that way or not so you don't have any evidence to support your ideas.

Stop trying to control the outcome of your desires. We as humans are so obsessed with being in control, we often forget that there are two people in play when it comes to relationships, and you can't decide what will happen nor control what the other says or thinks. You've thought of a bazillion ways? Let me asure you that if you go up to her next time you see her and start talking to her, it will be nothing like any of those ways. That's because in your mind, the possible outcome is always affected by your fear. In reality, she's not aware of that fear, so it won't influence her.

Next time you see her, stop with whatever you're doing (immediately, no thinking about it first!), go up to her and say; "Hey my name is .... "
After she's told you her name (ask for it if she doesn't give it right away), say; "(insert name), I must admit, I've seen you around and there's something intruiging about you, something that makes me keep looking at you. I've decided today is the day I try to find out what it is."
You can let her respond to that or you can simply follow it up with a question about what she's up to. You can throw in a joke if you want, ease things up a bit.

Read this a couple of times, adjust it a bit so that it'll be more like you and then do it. Don't think about it, don't think about any possible outcome, just do it and see what happens. Don't be afraid that you won't know what to say. Your unconscious mind will kick in once you let go of trying to control the situation and it will tell you what to say. It's actually quite easy since you don't know anything about her, you can ask whatever you want to.
One note, don't change anything about the tone of the conversation. As you can see, everything is decisive. There is no hesitation, no apologies for talking to her, no shame for having watched her before nor for wanting to get to know her. What you do is for a reason, so there's no room nor reason for insecurity. The outcome is an adventure, not a life or death situation.

Do you refuse to read the ending of a book because you fear what might happen, or do you keep reading because you have to know? Why not apply this same way of thinking to life itself? To your own story?

At 5/2/12 01:18 AM, Vincoid wrote: Make sure you know what's bothering her and help her get past it either by pointing out that her logic is flawed (girls are mostly emotional, rarely logical so it's not uncommon for her to be upset about things that aren't actually going on), or by solving the problem.
If you don't talk about it she'll keep thinking about what she's feeling and it'll become worse and worse in her mind untill it can't be fixed anymore. Instead, find out what it is when you can still easily fix it. Don't fix her problems for her though, only provide the answers with which she can solve them herself.

Well speaking of getting upset over nothing...

Today everything seemed to be going normally. I had a short conversation with her at the beginning of the day and asked her if she could hang out on Friday or Saturday. She just gave an ambiguous answer, I think it was "I'm not sure". Since I didn't have much time I just told her that she could call me later. Later, I talked to a close friend of mine that also happens to be friends with her... she asked me how things were going and I brought it up. It was bothering me that she acts so... uncertain about everything. My friend said that I should just pick a time because she "doesn't know what she wants". I'm not sure what to make of that comment lol.

This afternoon she made a generic Facebook post that said something like "I'm so frustrated!". I texted her to ask if she was okay. She didn't reply until an hour later, and said "I don't know" (how helpful). I asked why and she said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to discuss it right now. So I said "Okay. If it keeps bothering you don't be afraid to ask me for help". To which she replied "it's just stuff". I also had to tell her that I would be out of town this weekend (something came up last minute) and wouldn't see her until Sunday afternoon at the latest. Her response was simply "Oh, okay" which really kinda makes me feel like shit because it sounds like she doesn't even care at all... but anyways, after that I couldn't think of anything to say so I just said "Goodnight" and "I hope you feel better soon". She said "goodnight, sorry". So I told her that there was nothing to be sorry about, not to worry, etc. She sent me another "Oh, okay", then the conversation ended.

I'm a bit nervous about the fact that she wouldn't tell me what was bothering her. I didn't pry because I thought it would be overbearing and that perhaps what she was upset about wasn't even related to me. She's going on a trip to Six Flags tomorrow and I think she's worrying about it (yeah...). When we talked the other day she mentioned the trip and said that she hadn't ever been anywhere like that and wasn't sure if she would have fun, or know anyone there. I tried my best to reassure her but apparently she said the same stuff to at least one other person lol, our mutual friend.

So... yeah.

At 5/4/12 12:08 AM, bgraybr wrote: My friend said that I should just pick a time because she "doesn't know what she wants". I'm not sure what to make of that comment lol.

Probably doesn't mean much other than that she can't make up her mind. Whatever it means though, be more specific with her. If you ask her to hang out with you, ask her for a specific time, not a day.

Her response was simply "Oh, okay" which really kinda makes me feel like shit because it sounds like she doesn't even care at all... but anyways, after that I couldn't think of anything to say so I just said "Goodnight" and "I hope you feel better soon". She said "goodnight, sorry". So I told her that there was nothing to be sorry about, not to worry, etc. She sent me another "Oh, okay", then the conversation ended.

Be honest with her. Tell her what you think of the way she treats you. It might be that she's not feeling great, but it's simply disrespectful and selfish to treat you like that when all you want is for her to feel better. There's no reason for you to tolerate such behaviour.
Plus, if you tell her that, you'll notice soon enough wether she cares or not. If she does, she'll be more open with you about what's bothering her and she won't send dismissive texts like that again. If she still keeps doing what she does now, you know enough. Don't put up with such self centered behaviour. The earth rotates around the sun, not her.

I'm a bit nervous about the fact that she wouldn't tell me what was bothering her. I didn't pry because I thought it would be overbearing and that perhaps what she was upset about wasn't even related to me.

Wether it's related or not is not important. You're in a relationship with her, if you want her to feel better, you'll have to find out what's bothering her and provide help and advice whenever you can. Either don't care at all or be there completely for her. Asking her if she's okay and then ignoring her after a dismissive text simply shows you're not interested enough either. Commit to helping her.

Remember though, it's give and take within a relationship. If all she ever does is take when it suits her and never gives, it's not worth it. It's disrespectful towards yourself to accept such a situation.
Turn things around, be there for her, show her how it's done. If she doesn't respond to that, there's no reason to continue.

Wow, her only response was "I'm sorry but I have to go to bed now because I'm getting up at 7:30 tomorrow".
I know that what she said is true but on the other hand the timing was pretty fucking convenient.

At 5/4/12 12:59 AM, bgraybr wrote: Wow, her only response was "I'm sorry but I have to go to bed now because I'm getting up at 7:30 tomorrow".
I know that what she said is true but on the other hand the timing was pretty fucking convenient.

Try discussing it with her at another time, if she still ignores you, let her know she's being disrespectful. I'm sure you too understand that this is no way to behave in a relationship.

At 5/4/12 01:06 AM, LaForge wrote: you're guessing wrong. i said before that this problem arises every now and then. every single (not exaggerating) time it has, i've revealed my feelings to the other and been crushed. it's precisely the same every time: i'm 100% sure that we have a future together before i speak one word to her, i slowly get to know her and fall deeper and deeper in love, and when the critical moment arrives, she "already has someone in mind", or "just got out of a bad relationship", or simply was never interested in me in that way.

That's interesting. How come you are 100% sure and they don't know anything of your intentions?

That seems to me like the problem. You're getting to know them, you become comfortable with being with them but you don't attract them to you. They don't know what it is that you want and they never will if you don't tell them. Of course, you eventually do tell them but the problem is that they've been casually hanging out with you and lack the emotions to go with the idea of being with you in such a way.
You have to build attraction with a girl from the very first moment you see her. She has to know, from the start, that you're interested in her, that you're not just being friendly or looking for someone to have casual conversations with. You need to get her to want to be with you. You don't achieve this by talking to them for a while and then, out of nowhere, expressing your emotions about her.

i'm a victim of "love at first sight" syndrome. when i see an attractive woman, watch her for a few minutes and like what i see, i become literally obsessed with that woman. she invades my thoughts at all times, keeps me up at night and makes me ill when i see her again. it's happened numerous times throughout my life.

I understand. There's not really anything I can do about that. I've had that problem myself and it started to fade and disappear once I started working on becoming more confident.

and i'm not antisocial around women - not at all. only women i'm attracted to. and it's becoming worse all the time. the time i actually do spend with said woman is excellent - best of my life (only because i think it will lead to a serious relationship - i've never been a casual dater) but when i realize that all my struggling was for naught, i regret ever seeing the person in the first place. i said that to a girl's face one time when i realized we couldn't be together. 'i wish i had never met you", i said. the feeling of oppressive isolation is actually more comforting than the realization that the woman you just spent 3/5 of your free time obsessing over has utterly no interest in being with you.

That I understand, but what I mean is that in the end, you'd rather be with someone than spend your life alone. Trying feels better than giving up.

You might want to take a good look at all of the times this has happened. Analyze what you did, what you did the same each time. Try to find what went wrong. What you should have done, what you shouldn't have done.

At 4/30/12 07:49 PM, Sequenced wrote: Best relationship advice for those who don't have a girlfriend but are currently looking for one: stop giving a fuck.

I had to take quite a few rejections to understand that concept. Now my mind is free and I have been a lot more productive with my hobbies than before.

I will only go after a girl if I can tell 100% that she is into me and that she's waiting for me in her room.

Welp, I feel much worse now, since that'll never happen. You need lots of money and lots of confidence to get the bitches, and most men have neither, and thus are stuck with ugly women. But in the meantime, I'll try to stop giving a fuck.

At 3/22/12 06:09 AM, Vincoid wrote:

At 1 day ago, MatrixGravity wrote: I don't know why I get so worried and anxious when I talk to new people. I always feel like they'll think I'm boring or something. I'm so great at talking to people when I'm not nervous. I have so much to always say, and I'm naturally outgoing and rather great at talking to people when I'm not nervous.

It does take a while to reach that level of comfortability with certain people for me. I wish there was a way to speed up the process. I'm not like a weird person. When I talk to my regular friends we always have fun enjoyable conversations. I never have to think twice about what I'm going to say to them. I guess it's just because I'm that comfortable with them and I don't have to feel afraid to express myself. I guess that's something I should apply as well when I meet new people.. But overall it is very difficult for me to sustain conversations nowadays with new people I meet.

I used to be much more capable of maintaining a conversation and I used to do it so well that I never had any problems when it came to meeting somebody. For the last 2 years or so, I've become pretty home-bound and I haven't had that much interaction with society and people in general, so I guess my communication abilities have dwindled and that's probably why I have so much trouble nowadays and I struggle to keep a conversation going. It's been really hindering me. I just wish I could meet somebody new and have awesome easy conversations with me without any problems and without thinking twice of what to say..

I've underlined some of the key parts of your post. They represent how you feel and what you want to accomplish, but also what the underlying problem is.

You see, you are comfortable with people you know. This is natural since we always grow accustomed to the things we experience regularly (unless they are associated with a negative experience). This is how we overcome fear and grow in life.
There are two ways of becoming comfortable with talking to people. The first way, and the most commonly used one, is to talk to someone regularly and become comfortable with talking to that specific person. Though it's great to feel that comfortability with that person, you still have to become comfortable with every other person you meet. In other words, you're overcoming your fear for each individual person, not for talking to people in general.
That's the second way; becoming naturally comfortable with talking to people. How do you acquire this skill? By being comfortable with yourself. The key to becoming comfortable with anyone else lies in being confident in who you are.
Like you said, you feel uncomfortable because you feel like people will think you're boring. Being afraid of what they think of you comes from being insecure about yourself. If you'd be confident about every aspect of yourself, what would there be left to fear? Exactly, nothing! It would mean you could talk to any random person you meet about anything you want to without being afraid of being judged by them.

Now, becoming like that isn't easy and can take some time to achieve. It requires you to take a look at what it is you don't like about yourself and changing that. You'll also have to let go of expectation. Don't expect yourself to entertain everyone you meet. The pressure of having to perform can create a metal blockage, causing you to forget what to say.
In fact, also stop trying to figure out what to say. We as humans have an advantage over other species because we have a conscious brain and an imagination. But just because we have them don't mean we put them to good use. The combination of those two causes guys like you to want to think of what to say, have imaginary conversations and become afraid of what to say and what people think.

Instead, forget about both your conscious brain and your imagination. Put trust in the lost gem that remains: your unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind is there to make everything run smoother so you don't have to think about every single thing you do, especially the things you do 50 times per day. Why not apply this to talking?
It happens when we talk to the people we're comfortable with, but we still feel the need to intervene when we meet someone new. However, the unconscious mind is connected to your conscious mind, your body and all the information that has been stored in your brain. It provides you with the information you need, not always when you ask it, but when you need it. It allows you to not have to be aware of every single aspect of life and all of its information.
This is of great help when talking to anyone, including new people. You don't have to think of anything to say. All you have to do is trust your unconscious mind to provide you with something to say. When your unconscious mind provides you with no information, you simply need to shut up and be comfortable with it. There's no need to talk all the time. In fact, doing so can make people think you feel like you need to prove yourself to them.

Also, keep getting yourself out there into social situations. Talking to people is a skill that needs to be trained. When you stop training, your skill decreases. Work on getting comfortable with who you are. Become comfortable with not talking, accept the silence. Most importantly, stop thinking of things to say to people. Interrupt yourself every single time you catch yourself doing so. Tell yourself you don't need to do so and that you trust your unconscious mind to provide you with the information you need.

Keep training all of those things as much as you can and you will be able to talk to anyone in no time. If you need more information, just let me know.

Thank you very much man, that's some pretty profound insightful advice. I understand what you mean. Although, can I ask.. Why is it that I used to be able to maintain conversation so easily before? Back when I was 15, I used to communicate regularly with people online/offline and would spark conversations naturally, but now that I'm 19, I feel like I've really lost that ability. Every time I talk to somebody, I keep monitoring myself and trying to figure out what to say to lead the conversation in a good direction. I just don't know when I became like this.

My best Ryan, I've known him for 9 years. We hung out last week and for some reason it just felt a bit awkward. We had difficulty making conversation and it just felt so off. I used to be able to hang out with him all the time and never had a problem like this in my life. Now I see him once in a while, and it just feels like there is tension in the air and I sometimes find trouble finding the words and talking to him like I used too. I don't know what the hell went wrong with me. Why have I become like this? Maybe it's because I don't socialize as much as I used too? Maybe that's why communication skills have become so weak now. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. I mean, I never used to be like this. I really don't know where I went wrong. This crap is really affecting my life and I am really suffering from it..

This man needs some help.

There's this girl I like. I knew her from the last school I was at and she switched schools at the same time as me. I think she might like me back. Here's the catch. We have absolutely no classes together so I pretty much never see her. Any advice on what to do?

At 5/6/12 10:41 PM, Shade wrote: This man needs some help.

There's this girl I like. I knew her from the last school I was at and she switched schools at the same time as me. I think she might like me back. Here's the catch. We have absolutely no classes together so I pretty much never see her. Any advice on what to do?

call her. ask her to meet up for some coffee or what not, maybe make it as a regular thing since she switched schools... make sure you mention that.

At 5/6/12 12:05 AM, LaForge wrote:

my question is, how would i ease the fact that i like him into a conversation?

There are a couple of ways of doing so. First though, you don't know anything about his sexual orientation? Nothing has ever been said in your conversations from which you can determine what he's into?
That could be your first way of 'telling' him. You could make a comment about a girl (or a guy) you see when you're with him, saying something about how she's hot or seems interesting to you, etc. His response should make it pretty clear.

Another way is by simply asking him about it or telling him that you're bisexual yourself. You could create a lead for this or simply tell him because you want him to know.
A secondary step to this path of honesty is to actually tell him you're bisexual and that you like him.

Obviously, both honest options as well as the first option have risks. The first might make him uncomfortable as if he's forced to tell you his thoughts, or it might make him think you're not into him (in case he is). You might not even find out wether he's bisexual or not. He could simply tell you he thinks she's hot, which wouldn't mean he's heterosexual either.
The honest options might scare him away from you if he's not into men, not into you or homophobic. Then again, they have a higher rate of succes in getting him closer to you if he is interested in you than the "dishonest" way has.

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At 5/6/12 12:15 PM, Glides wrote:

Welp, I feel much worse now, since that'll never happen. You need lots of money and lots of confidence to get the bitches, and most men have neither, and thus are stuck with ugly women. But in the meantime, I'll try to stop giving a fuck.

That's not quite true. Money is not important. I'm not saying it doesn't help, but women who are with you for the money will never give you the feeling you're truly being appreciated or loved, thus making you unhappy eventually.
The only thing that truly matters is confidence. That's the most crucial trait when it comes to building attraction. Keeping a woman requires more (like humor, loyalty, etc.) but money is not crucial.

The reason "not giving a fuck" seems to work is because it looks like you're confident. The downside is that you're actually not, so when a girl is actually into you, you'll turn into your miserable insecure self again, making her run away from you as if you're trying to murder her.

So what works is confidence, not something that looks like confidence but is simply a shield to hide your insecurity.

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At 5/6/12 10:32 PM, MatrixGravity wrote:

My best Ryan, I've known him for 9 years. We hung out last week and for some reason it just felt a bit awkward. We had difficulty making conversation and it just felt so off. I used to be able to hang out with him all the time and never had a problem like this in my life. Now I see him once in a while, and it just feels like there is tension in the air and I sometimes find trouble finding the words and talking to him like I used too. I don't know what the hell went wrong with me. Why have I become like this? Maybe it's because I don't socialize as much as I used too? Maybe that's why communication skills have become so weak now. That's the only logical explanation I can think of. I mean, I never used to be like this. I really don't know where I went wrong. This crap is really affecting my life and I am really suffering from it..

That's your answer right there. Being social is a skill you will unlearn when you don't train it. Everything you do will become a habit. This allows you to focus on the areas of that skill that you still need to master. When you stop training that skill, it'll stop being a habit and thus you'll forget how it works.

What's probably also a factor is what situation you're in. There's a huge difference between you at 15 and you at 19. The social pressures you must endure, wether conscious or subconscious, will affect your social abilities greatly.
As for the situation with your friend, even though you are very close and have spoken quite a lot, not training your social skills will affect your connection. The change in how often you speak will also directly affect it. You (or him) might feel as if one of you has abandoned the other, thus creating friction.

Just keep putting yourself out there and it'll become better ;)

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At 5/7/12 02:08 AM, Sequenced wrote:

At 5/6/12 10:41 PM, Shade wrote: This man needs some help.

There's this girl I like. I knew her from the last school I was at and she switched schools at the same time as me. I think she might like me back. Here's the catch. We have absolutely no classes together so I pretty much never see her. Any advice on what to do?

call her. ask her to meet up for some coffee or what not, maybe make it as a regular thing since she switched schools... make sure you mention that.

That's not a bad idea. It's not necessary though to actually meet right at the beginning. You can contact her first, find out about how she's doing, etc. When you're talking to her some more, you can introduce the idea of the two of you doing something together. Maybe she'll even introduce it herself.

As for things to talk about: you and her.

What you have in common is that you've both switched schools, that's a topic. You can ask her how she's been, what her school is like, etc. You can tell her the same kinds of stories, that creates a connection.
Then there's the fact that you haven't spoken in a while and you're interested in her. You can try to contact her, tell her you though of her and you're wondering how she's been. You'll notice soon enough wether or not she's interested in talking to you again.

You can make the approach as casual as you want. The fact that you're contacting her will tell her that you're interested, so she'll be interested in you as well when she replies.
Unless she's an ubersocial person, in that case she might simply respond because that's her nature. Otherwise, she's into you as well.

That's not quite true. Money is not important. I'm not saying it doesn't help, but women who are with you for the money will never give you the feeling you're truly being appreciated or loved, thus making you unhappy eventually.

That's my only hope. I need to get rich.

The only thing that truly matters is confidence. That's the most crucial trait when it comes to building attraction. Keeping a woman requires more (like humor, loyalty, etc.) but money is not crucial.

Well, I'm faithful, and wouldn't cheat (not like I would have a chance even if I wanted to). So there's that.

The reason "not giving a fuck" seems to work is because it looks like you're confident. The downside is that you're actually not, so when a girl is actually into you, you'll turn into your miserable insecure self again, making her run away from you as if you're trying to murder her.

That's why I tend to avoid women that I like. Interacting with them in any way is a major no-no. And to my credit, I don't stalk them.

So what works is confidence, not something that looks like confidence but is simply a shield to hide your insecurity.

Confidence is an acquired trait. So is insecurity. I was the unlucky person who got the latter. I hope to change that.

Another problem that I've only recently become aware of is that everyone in my high school thinks that I'm gay. I'm obviously not if I have girl troubles. The reason, according to classmates, is that I've never been with a woman, and never had a girlfriend, so people automatically assume that I'm into dudes instead of realizing that I simply have no skills with the ladies. This would also explain why so many men hit on me. No, I'm not homophobic, but it explains a lot. So maybe then they either think that I'm not interested, or are completely aware of my lack of sexual experience. So yeah.

I'm the guy from page 247, the hilarious kooky depressive.

Anyway, it's been a month since I posted here, and nearly 2 since I last physically spoke to this girl in person.
.I text her last week with some polite 'good luck with your interview' 'good luck with your dissertation' non-committal or non pressured messages, and she did reply positively and in a lighthearted yet reserved manner. I did this for a few days (of course stopping after a few texts, because again, I'm not obsessing) until she stopped replying after about 4 days. I saw her last week as we went to hand in some university work, and we again, had a few polite, yet slightly awkward, small talk sentences, and I text her saying 'it was nice to see you earlier, hope you got great marks on your dissertation', but again she never replied.

I've been talking to some people on depression forums, and some of the more respected moderators suggested that, if she won't meet me, to give her a letter. So, I wrote her this.

""Hey *Name*, I was hoping to do this in person so you could see how serious and honest I'm being, but I can make do writing this although some things will be condensed. I'm guessing I've gone from one of your favourite people here to somebody you pretty much hate the very existence of, because that's the movie I've been watching...and it's not a good one.
I'm sorry I never told you about my depression, I didn't want to scare you off. I need to stress that what I'm about to say isn't an excuse, alibi or defense. I feel horrid and incredibly guilty for things I've said or how I've acted. I completely understand your reaction.
But the truth?
The truth is for the past year (so before we met) I've been on the verge of having a nervous breakdown and had no idea about it. Please try to understand the reality of that and what it's meant for me and my personality. It's only after 6 weeks of therapy I realise this and genuinely do feel a different person to who I've been since being diagnosed.
I hope you can understand there is a HUGE difference between the depressed me and and the real me. I pushed you away with my depression and shut you out from who I was, the honest truth is you don't know who I am, I've not been myself.
I hope you understand this is NOT an 'ex' trying to talk to you or manipulate you with tricks, I'm not being clingy or obsessive. It's a completely different level of a situation and I hope you can see why I've been so eager to talk to you and explain.
We've got such a good thing and I don't want to lose it or throw it away because of my depression, because then my depression owns me & my relationships with people.
I've got a lot of making up to do, and more things to explain, but please realise this is GOOD news, because now I can act on it and be who I want to be, with you and when I talk to you.
I understand if after what I've put you through you don't want to see what I'm like or the person you thought I was over X-mas, that's understandable. You needed to know the truth and I'm ready to talk if you are, but I'm not hassling you or trying to rush or force things, it's entirely your decision : ).

Signed the ACTUAL me.

Anyway, I text her on sunday telling her I needed to give her something important, she said 'I won't meet you unless you tell me what it is', I told her, she told me to put it in the mail box in our University college common room. I know she's taken it as it's no longer there (Well, I hope it's her), but I've not heard from her yet, and I suppose I'm just being rather stressed or impatient, or worried she's apathetic about the whole thing.
I hate to sound cocky or arrogant, but I know that if I can just talk to her face to face, then she'll see how honest and serious I am being. I feel so incredibly guilty about the whole thing, and I suppose I'm desperate to sort it out and 'fight back' against my depression and salvage the damage it's caused.

So early last week I was here, asking for help because my girlfriend had a mis-communication with me.
So after all the help I got, I realized that because she was still going out of her way to ignore and avoid me like the plague, I decided I was going to straight out ask what she wanted. If she wanted to be with me or not. So I got confirmation on what it was I was going to say from two of her best friends, who has helped me out with troubles before. So I waited til the end of the day, once school was over and before she could leave I asked exactly, word for word, what I am about to say.

" Hey beautiful, I need to know what's going on. I love you and I don't understand why there is a problem if you say you still love me. I've given you plenty of time, and plenty of space, and this whole situation is getting to my head. We really need to work things out, and the sooner the better. I really don't know what to do anymore. I really love you, but I need to know you still feel the same way about me. I can't handle the silent treatment anymore. Can we please try and move on and get back to being the happy couple, madly in love with each other. I love you and hope you still feel the same way about me."

So after I had said all of that to her, just about at the point of breaking out in tears, all she has to say was, "No, I am sorry." And then she walked away. No sense of emotion or anything, just blank and hollow.
So after that I was just, to put it bluntly, FUCKED. I decided that because this was the happiest I had felt in years, that it wasn't going to come back. I missed my bus and had to walk 3 hours back home whilst contemplating suicide. For the next two days I was drinking myself to death whilst I thought of killing myself. On the Sunday, two days after she broke up with me, I nearly went and killed myself. I went for a walk down to the beach, with no intention of coming back. I sent my "now" ex a text saying that if I didn't reply in the next hour I had gone and drowned myself.

So after that my ex went to her best friend because she was scared shitless that I was going to kill myself, which I was damned near close to doing so. I got a call from the friend, balling there eyes out, telling me to not go kill myself. In the end I hung up and went into the water and started prepping myself for the drowning that was going to occur. Luckily enough my ex had told the friend where I lived because the police showed up just as I was drowning myself.

There was probably no reason to put in those last two paragraphs, but I thought it would make sense to show in context, just how distraught I was after all of this.
And since last week, things haven't been a great deal better either. I found out that she was just fucking around with me the entire time. I found out a few days ago that she had been seen messing around with two other guys. And then told again yesterday, that she was seen kissing another third guy from the school right across the road from my school.

So now I am out of that fucked up state that I was in, not helped one little bit from all the alcohol I was drinking at the time either. And now I am in a state of confusion, betrayal and anger.

I don't really know what else to say really. All I can say is that it was a completely messed up experience, and I damn hope I don't have to be put through it again.

At 5/10/12 10:34 PM, twistex wrote: So early last week I was here, asking for help because my girlfriend had a mis-communication with me.
So after all the help I got, I realized that because she was still going out of her way to ignore and avoid me like the plague, I decided I was going to straight out ask what she wanted. If she wanted to be with me or not. So I got confirmation on what it was I was going to say from two of her best friends, who has helped me out with troubles before. So I waited til the end of the day, once school was over and before she could leave I asked exactly, word for word, what I am about to say.

I knew even before I read it how it would go. This sort of thing happens too much.

" Hey beautiful, I need to know what's going on. I love you and I don't understand why there is a problem if you say you still love me. I've given you plenty of time, and plenty of space, and this whole situation is getting to my head. We really need to work things out, and the sooner the better. I really don't know what to do anymore. I really love you, but I need to know you still feel the same way about me. I can't handle the silent treatment anymore. Can we please try and move on and get back to being the happy couple, madly in love with each other. I love you and hope you still feel the same way about me."

OK, the overly emotional approach doesn't work. I mean, she was a bitch to respond so negatively, but at the same time you don't ever bare your soul like that. Women claim they do, but it's only romantic in movies.

So after I had said all of that to her, just about at the point of breaking out in tears, all she has to say was, "No, I am sorry." And then she walked away. No sense of emotion or anything, just blank and hollow.

I don't know what you see in this girl. She clearly doesn't have any sort of feelings for you at all. I'm not gonna go out on a limb, since none of this is meant to piss you off, but did you spend the whole relationship buying her stuff?

So after that I was just, to put it bluntly, FUCKED. I decided that because this was the happiest I had felt in years, that it wasn't going to come back. I missed my bus and had to walk 3 hours back home whilst contemplating suicide. For the next two days I was drinking myself to death whilst I thought of killing myself. On the Sunday, two days after she broke up with me, I nearly went and killed myself. I went for a walk down to the beach, with no intention of coming back. I sent my "now" ex a text saying that if I didn't reply in the next hour I had gone and drowned myself.

And of course if you had actually done it she'd feel guilty for the rest of her life. Obviously you shouldn't have done that. But you get the idea.

So after that my ex went to her best friend because she was scared shitless that I was going to kill myself, which I was damned near close to doing so. I got a call from the friend, balling there eyes out, telling me to not go kill myself. In the end I hung up and went into the water and started prepping myself for the drowning that was going to occur. Luckily enough my ex had told the friend where I lived because the police showed up just as I was drowning myself.

And that completely reiterates my last point. Unless they actually cared about you. I mean, you seem like the type who deserves caring people.

There was probably no reason to put in those last two paragraphs, but I thought it would make sense to show in context, just how distraught I was after all of this.
And since last week, things haven't been a great deal better either. I found out that she was just fucking around with me the entire time. I found out a few days ago that she had been seen messing around with two other guys. And then told again yesterday, that she was seen kissing another third guy from the school right across the road from my school.

And this was the other thing that I guessed would happen. She's one of those chicks who likes mind games. Probably because her life is so dull that she causes shit just so something will happen. I mean, seriously, bro, she sounds horrible.

So now I am out of that fucked up state that I was in, not helped one little bit from all the alcohol I was drinking at the time either. And now I am in a state of confusion, betrayal and anger.

I don't really know what else to say really. All I can say is that it was a completely messed up experience, and I damn hope I don't have to be put through it again.

Then find a woman who won't play mind games with your head. Who am I kidding, that's impossible. I could either comfort you, kick you in the ass, or simply talk it out, and I'm trying to do the third. Last time I tried giving advice, I was soundly told off, so if none of this helped, I'm sorry.

I knew even before I read it how it would go. This sort of thing happens too much.

OK, the overly emotional approach doesn't work. I mean, she was a bitch to respond so negatively, but at the same time you don't ever bare your soul like that. Women claim they do, but it's only romantic in movies.

I don't know what you see in this girl. She clearly doesn't have any sort of feelings for you at all. I'm not gonna go out on a limb, since none of this is meant to piss you off, but did you spend the whole relationship buying her stuff?

And of course if you had actually done it she'd feel guilty for the rest of her life. Obviously you shouldn't have done that. But you get the idea.

And that completely reiterates my last point. Unless they actually cared about you. I mean, you seem like the type who deserves caring people.

And this was the other thing that I guessed would happen. She's one of those chicks who likes mind games. Probably because her life is so dull that she causes shit just so something will happen. I mean, seriously, bro, she sounds horrible.

Then find a woman who won't play mind games with your head. Who am I kidding, that's impossible. I could either comfort you, kick you in the ass, or simply talk it out, and I'm trying to do the third. Last time I tried giving advice, I was soundly told off, so if none of this helped, I'm sorry.

Well don't worry about being told off, because you have helped. So thank you.
Yeah this chick liked to over dramatize everything and anything she could. I only ever brought her one necklace, and this was a few days after we had started going out, and as an easter present.
Yeah I always thought I deserved caring people, and at the time I thought she was one of them, but we all know that isn't the case now.
I truly know what you mean about chicks that play mind games, because this chick I was dating thrived off of it. She broke up with her boyfriend at the time because he was a dick and no longer wanted to be with him, just so she could be with me. Then a month down the track, she blows me off, and has possibly been screwing around with 3 other guys.

At 5/3/12 03:48 PM, Vincoid wrote: The other day I read this in one of my books; "This life I'm living, it's not a rehearsal, it's not practice, this is the real deal. This is the only chance I'll ever get". What do you want out of life? What are you doing to get it? Do you know how to get it? If not, what are you doing to get the knowledge or skill to get what you want? Are you devoting time out of each day to get closer to your goals?

Live life actively, not on auto-pilot. Think. Act. Achieve. Grow.

This is so true, it makes me happy to hear it from someone else. Don't waste your life. Love comes whenever it is meant to, don't try to change that.