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Hello,

I've recently been under some concern.
One of my classmates asked me out 5 months ago and we went out and did ect ect.
but recently she said to me over the phone that she needed to be apart from me for a while because it wasn't helping in her mental issues.
I said okay then we joked about how we can't live with each other ect ect.
Well comes Monday, I thought to myself it was going to be fine, just another crease in our relationship that might make us more together. She sits next to my friend who is a guy she gets along with him but fight occasionally, Even though the seat beside me was free. From that day to today (Thursday) she and this boy avoid me and my friends and go off somewhere else during lunch.
I later discover that she is resting on this boys lap and talking happily. She has never done this with anyone other than me.

What should I do?

At 9/15/09 10:42 PM, boloneyman wrote: So I'd like to hear what you guys think about the distance between us and if you think it could work. Also, how to come out and say such a large feeling I've been keeping a secret for a year now. Telling her just seems like such a large and frightening thing to do.

Well, the distance isn't too bad. An hour shouldn't be much of a problem, though I think it's best, especially in the very beginning, if you're really near to each other.

Besides that, I do not only agree on that telling her would be frightening, it's also really unnecessary. Just think about it first, why would you even tell her? What's the point? Do you think she'll suddenly like you because she knows you like her, or that she's been holding back out of fear for being rejected and actually likes you?

The truth is that this is all very unlikely. Most guys think that telling a girl you like her will make her like you. Wrong, it does the exact opposite in most cases which is creating a feeling of expectation and pressure. Suddenly she'll feel like she needs to reciprocate while nothing else tells her too. Because of this she'll distance herself from you instead of move toward you.

What you really should be doing is make her like you. Important to understand when doing this is that your feelings are in no way influential for this, so sharing them explicitly won't do you any good.
Instead you need to make her laugh and make her feel good. You need to show you're doing fine on your own, have a life of your own and thus won't be too clingy and/or needy with her. You have to show her you're confident, that you would appreciate having her in your life but that your life does not depend on it emotionally.

You also need to stop to try and impress her. Impressing a girl is the exact opposite of what you want to be doing since it conveys neediness. You're going out of your way, leading a life you truly don't want to, simply to be with this girl. While this might sound like it's flattering, it's actually really creepy. Women feel trapped whenever a guy tries to impress her and if you do end up in a relationship with her, she could even feel guilt for you leading a life different from what you truly want.

Hope this gives you some insights in what you might want to be doing in your situation. Just ask if you need anything else ;)

At 9/17/09 01:34 AM, jimmythehedgehog wrote: What should I do?

If it's a problem for you, which it obviously is, you might want to confront her with it. Technically it doesn't really say anything since you aren't together right now, but you might want to tell her that it's confusing to see her hanging out happily with another guy while telling you that she needs space.
Having said that, I must also add that that's a classic excuse for breaking up. The reason girls want to have some space is because they aren't happy with the relationship. She's either getting to much negative emotions from it or not getting enough good ones.
So, instead of sitting around wondering what's what, you might want to do a bit of analyzing on your relationship as it could very well be that that's the cause of the break. For instance, how do you guys usually act around each other? How do you spend your time together? In what way do you talk to her?
All of those things have direct influence on how she feels about you and the relationship so it's very important to look at it.

Vincoid, I appreciate your advice.

Before I go in basting, I would like to ask you something.
Me and her where going FINE until last week, in fact she brought home made cookies and fed them to me during class.
Shes really sweet, but I've also noticed one thing. She has had about 12 boyfriends before me.
I've met 6 of them, but I'm SURE there are more.
She has a mental condition (Depression) and I think a little too much thoughts on anorexia.
Could this be the reason that she is doing these kind of things? Could I help her and try to understand her? Because I think I love her.

At 9/17/09 04:19 PM, jimmythehedgehog wrote: She has a mental condition (Depression) and I think a little too much thoughts on anorexia.
Could this be the reason that she is doing these kind of things? Could I help her and try to understand her? Because I think I love her.

You could, but it is extremely hard if you don't know how to do it and are inexperienced. Besides that, it can also cause your relationship to end because changing something like this means that she has to change who she is. Whenever you try to change a person they tend to defend themselves even if their behaviour isn't helping them. As a result she can become very hostile towards you and not feel comfortable with you as she thinks you don't like her how she is.

Depression in itself isn't so bad though. People usually think off it as something really terrible but if you keep living life then you'll grow out of it eventually. Not that I really recommend that. The only true solution for me is to learn how to deal with your emotions. You shouldn't be the one to teach her that though. If she wants to get rid of it herself she might want to find a good therapist to help her out with it.

Thanks, Vincoid
I phoned her today and broke-up. Easier than I thought it would be.
She said she will ring tomorrow to discuss anything further, because she was about to cry.
I value your suggestions.

I'd really like it you guys all posted your opinions in this thread...

Hey everyone, I was told by Saren to come here and try to get help for my problem instead of in the General. Here's my post:

I don't want to get too immersed in details and how this might have come about but I've been getting hints from my boyfriend best friend that he likes me more than just his best friends girlfriend.

I ended up talking to him alot since my boyfriend's new job has him working from 5 pm to 1 am. I'd usually stay up for him and while that I would talk to people and he'd always be one.

He's been sending me suggestive hints and tonight even told me about a sex dream he had about me which made me go :/

I'm curious and asking for maybe you guys to open up on how this happens or how I might stop it?
Tips? Stories from your own situations?

HI! It's me again :/

First off, I still want to say thank you to Vincoid. secondly, it didn't go real well. We would text for a while, but I never see him on campus which is sucky. Over the week I text him a simple, "Hey! What's up?" And he didn't reply, along with what I said this past Thursday which was something like, "Do you want to hang out sometime soon?" So now I'm stuck. Should I still try, or give up?

At 9/18/09 03:45 AM, jimmythehedgehog wrote: Thanks, Vincoid
I phoned her today and broke-up. Easier than I thought it would be.
She said she will ring tomorrow to discuss anything further, because she was about to cry.
I value your suggestions.

You're welcome. I think you did good by breaking up. Eventually it would probably only cause a lot of negativity, plus it doesn't really sound to me like the whole relationship was that great anyway.

At 9/19/09 05:24 AM, tarahloveshentai wrote: I'm curious and asking for maybe you guys to open up on how this happens or how I might stop it?
Tips? Stories from your own situations?

How this happens depends quite a bit on him, you and the way you converse. Seeing the things you post on your profile it seems to me like it could very well be the way you communicate with him. It should be very obvious to you if that is the case so I'll let you decide that one for yourself.

On the other hand it can also be that you aren't communicating anything to him sexually but that you're simply very open to him. This will make him feel no resistance in pursuing you even though you're his best friend's girlfriend.

Whichever way it is, the solution is simple. If you are being very sexual with him then you should simply stop doing that.
If it isn't, I suggest you start showing more boundaries to him. You have to show him that there are certain lines he can't cross.
If even that doesn't help, it's time to be extremely up front with him about him. Explicitly tell him that you don't like what he's doing so he will have to get the message. If it doesn't get to him right away another method is to start ignoring him bit by bit. Cutting away the contact between the two of you creates a boundary too.

At 9/19/09 09:51 AM, pwnasuarusrex4real1 wrote: HI! It's me again :/

First off, I still want to say thank you to Vincoid. secondly, it didn't go real well. We would text for a while, but I never see him on campus which is sucky. Over the week I text him a simple, "Hey! What's up?" And he didn't reply, along with what I said this past Thursday which was something like, "Do you want to hang out sometime soon?" So now I'm stuck. Should I still try, or give up?

You're welcome.

You can try again btw, I would just wait for a while before doing so. My guess here is that a very classic situation ensued, namely forgetting to progress on time. A very important aspect of relationships is progressing. If you don't see each other and only communicate via text or IM it's very important to move to face-to-face contact as soon as possible. This way the feelings keep flowing so the speak while they will slow down and be forgotten when you only text.

You see, words are only a very small part of communication. In fact, they're the least important of all when considering the effects of body language, facial expression, tone of voice, etc. Sure, words are a key part but they don't do very well in creating emotions on their own unless you really understand how they create feelings.
Especially via text you'll find that a lot of things can be misinterpreted. Something that would convey confidence and sensuality in person might sound extremely insecure and try-hard when send by text. Because of this it's essential that personal contact is made as soon as possible. Texts only work well enough when you understand the other person better.

So, all in all, I think it's fine if you try again later. Him ignoring you might be a sign of not being interested, but it's very likely that he simply isn't motivated enough due to a lack of personal contact (even though you invited him for that). Giving him some time can distract him from this lack of contact and make him wonder what happened when you text him again in a few weeks.

So I should wait a few days or weeks?

Oh wait, nevermind, I missed the the few weeks part, lol.
Thank you though!

I have two problems. One is about my situation, one is about my sis.

1. My sister is getting very involved with one particular guy. They have the cute kiss on the front porch and text each other all the time, every day. Well, used to. Suddenly he stopped responding. She of course didn't know what to do and after a whole week she called. Understand that she was expecting him to break up with her, and wanted closure. But after they were done she told me that he was chill, and that they had a good conversation.

Were we just freaking out over the situation? We thought he had found another girl and that he just didn't want to hurt my sis by breaking it off. Why would a guy not respond to a call and text for a whole week? We still try and figure it out, and the guy is still really quiet. They used to text constantly every single day.

2. I met a very nice, ok looking guy in one of my classes. We hit off really well and had a nice chat. I have a class right after that one, so I took off, saying I'll see him next time. We waved and smiled and that was it. Next time he didn't even look at me. Guys, do you just say hi to a girl and then leave her hanging when you see her again? Or am I ok, and thinking too much about it?

At 9/19/09 05:31 PM, Infuritaion wrote: Were we just freaking out over the situation? We thought he had found another girl and that he just didn't want to hurt my sis by breaking it off. Why would a guy not respond to a call and text for a whole week? We still try and figure it out, and the guy is still really quiet. They used to text constantly every single day.

Having concern is in this case certainly dignified. Such a sudden and extreme change in behaviour is far from normal and you can, or should be able to, expect from someone that close that he'd inform you on what's going on.
I take it that he hasn't told your sister anything about why he didn't call or text? Figuring out why he didn't respond is difficult. There are dozens of options and there's really no way of being sure which one it is. It could very well be that he has found another girl and is to scared to confront your sister with it. I highly doubt that he wouldn't say it so he wouldn't hurt your sister but that fear is his true motivation.
However, this is just one option. Maybe he got into a nasty situation which left him unable to respond at all, something he isn't willing to share with anyone else either. If this is the case it can take quite a while before he tells your sis why he didn't respond, if he even does at all.

Whatever it is, the most important thing is how you deal with it. If your sis wants clarification then I suggest she asks him what's going on. She has to make sure to let him know that it's important for her to know seeing as not responding for a week without telling why is something else compared to not responding to a single text.
It's also a good idea not to expect a very negative situation. This will only cause your sis to behave in a different way towards him and will eventually make it look like he's cheating (or something similar).

2. I met a very nice, ok looking guy in one of my classes. We hit off really well and had a nice chat. I have a class right after that one, so I took off, saying I'll see him next time. We waved and smiled and that was it. Next time he didn't even look at me. Guys, do you just say hi to a girl and then leave her hanging when you see her again? Or am I ok, and thinking too much about it?

I don't usually do something like that, though it does happen from time to time. Basicly the same thing applies as with your previous problem, namely that there are numerous different options. He could simply have had something on his mind, but he could also be deliberately ignoring you for the very reason you're here, which is making you think about it.
Whenever you have interest in someone, doubt about your connection creates attraction. You simply can't let it go, you create huge amounts of pressure inside of you and then the next time you see him and everything appears to be fine, the tension is released and you suddenly feel a whole let better about him and your connection. He might not be consciously doing this, he might be but he also might not be doign this at all. Like I said, there is no way of knowing for sure.
It also depends quite a bit on your first conversation. To really be able to say how he feels about you I would have had to be there to see his body language, but you said you guys hit it off well. Depending on how long the entire conversation was he also could have seen it as a very simple conversation, not thinking of it as anything more than that. That would also explain his current behaviour because he wouldn't feel much pressure to connect with you again immediately.

Same thing here, best thing to do is to keep from being negative. See how it works out in the future and if he still doesn't do anything you might want to try connecting with him again. You could simply start a conversation with him again and untill then try to make eye contact. If that doesn't motivate him to talk to you again then he probably isn't very interested in you, not even in a friendly manner.

Hello gentlemen, I just have a quick question. I was...I guess sort of rejected by this girl recently. The thing is that she said she actually is very attracted to me but she's not ready for a relationship because a while ago she hooked up with someone else and the other person decided not to keep in contact. So she's kind of heartbroken, I guess? The only problem is that I am a paranoid fuck who refuses to believe that anyone could like me, so what I'm really asking is: do you think there's hope for us when she moves on or do you think that's just something she said to get me to go away? I'm obviously not going to pester her about it, but I'm not really certain how to feel right now.

At 9/19/09 07:30 PM, catman03 wrote: The only problem is that I am a paranoid fuck who refuses to believe that anyone could like me, so what I'm really asking is: do you think there's hope for us when she moves on or do you think that's just something she said to get me to go away? I'm obviously not going to pester her about it, but I'm not really certain how to feel right now.

I'm thinking you should apply the second line from your signature to this situation. The thing I do whenever I'm presented with a situation that is indecisive is to think about it positively. I really can't tell what the case is here as both possibilities are realistic. Expecting the most positive one makes sure you don't destroy yourself over something as small as this. Just give it some time and you'll find out soon enough what's going on ;)

Also, if you truly did believe nobody could ever like you, you wouldn't have asked this question here. The fact that you did shows that you don't believe it and I can tell from personal experience that basicly any kind of guy can get girls.

At 9/19/09 05:24 AM, tarahloveshentai wrote: I'm curious and asking for maybe you guys to open up on how this happens or how I might stop it?
Tips? Stories from your own situations?

How this happens depends quite a bit on him, you and the way you converse. Seeing the things you post on your profile it seems to me like it could very well be the way you communicate with him. It should be very obvious to you if that is the case so I'll let you decide that one for yourself.

On the other hand it can also be that you aren't communicating anything to him sexually but that you're simply very open to him. This will make him feel no resistance in pursuing you even though you're his best friend's girlfriend.

Whichever way it is, the solution is simple. If you are being very sexual with him then you should simply stop doing that.
If it isn't, I suggest you start showing more boundaries to him. You have to show him that there are certain lines he can't cross.
If even that doesn't help, it's time to be extremely up front with him about him. Explicitly tell him that you don't like what he's doing so he will have to get the message. If it doesn't get to him right away another method is to start ignoring him bit by bit. Cutting away the contact between the two of you creates a boundary too.

Well, I do talk alot with him and it does include sex sometimes. I didn't want to get two into the details with this but he was in a threesome. A couple times I've told him that I'm not a 'friend with benefits' and that I'm his best friend's girlfriend. If he brings something up that could be close to him saying how much he likes me, I try including my boyfriend in the conversation to change it.

I am open when I talk to him though. It seems ever since the threesome it became a weird and almost stronger bond of friendship.

I'll stop talking about sex with him although it's hard. The threesome thing is in limbo so conversation about it still comes up. He also always sends me porn links which creates conversation about that.

Well, things have seemed to settled, no harm done, and im free again, if I was even not free anyways :/

I'm just going to believe that at the time being, that there's noone for me at the moment, I'm going to try and let myself learn to stop worrying about these things and trying to love someone else, i'm not going anywhere, Maybe i'll fall for someone down the road and maybe it will happen, but for where I am and how things work, It's not looking good.

Blah

Wow, you're good xD

Thanks for all the advice!

Hey guys, just wanting to ask your opinion on somethin'

So, im on facebook, i get a friend request from a junior, im a senior.
we start talking, at first its kind of weird, but now its much more laid back.
i think shes cute, etc etc
she did good on a test, and i said "high five" and so she said "you owe me a highfive"
which does 2 things
one, makes me feel awkward in that im kind of a shy person with people ive never talked to before, but after i get past that im really outgoing, so now im suppose to highfive someone ive never talked to in the hall way if i ever see them? and if i dont, is that rejecting them?
i know its just a stupid game flirt thing, but i dont want to mess things up
two, i kind of want to hang out with her, how do i transition from "hey, you added me on facebook" to "hey, want to hang out?"

hope you can understand this all. im kind of short handing all of this, as its late. but if you need any extra details lemme know

At 9/20/09 01:11 PM, Infuritaion wrote: Wow, you're good xD

Thanks for all the advice!

You're welcome ;)

At 9/20/09 09:09 PM, TheWolfe wrote: Hey guys, just wanting to ask your opinion on somethin'

So, im on facebook, i get a friend request from a junior, im a senior.
we start talking, at first its kind of weird, but now its much more laid back.
i think shes cute, etc etc
she did good on a test, and i said "high five" and so she said "you owe me a highfive"
which does 2 things
one, makes me feel awkward in that im kind of a shy person with people ive never talked to before, but after i get past that im really outgoing, so now im suppose to highfive someone ive never talked to in the hall way if i ever see them? and if i dont, is that rejecting them?

I don't think it's rejecting them but it can help you get past that shyness. By giving that high five you break that discomfort that you lack at the moment. Because you feel fear for doing so, you'll create confidence when you do it. Just look at it as simple as you can; it's two hands clapping together, that's it, nothing to worry about.

i know its just a stupid game flirt thing, but i dont want to mess things up
two, i kind of want to hang out with her, how do i transition from "hey, you added me on facebook" to "hey, want to hang out?"

Well, you do already talk to her so you can very easily ask her if she likes to hang out. You don't have to have a special reason or moment to do so, all you have to do is ask. I doubt she would say no anyway.

hope you can understand this all. im kind of short handing all of this, as its late. but if you need any extra details lemme know

No problem, the situation seems pretty clear to me ;)

Hello I require some advice again so please put up with me.
Recently my ex has dumped me for this guy in my class, who I am friends with. She asked him out within a few days of breaking up with me. She also likes another guy in my class as well.
She has gone out with four guys in our class, and she said she has had had about six more.
I've lost all respect for her, and told her good female friend that my ex is acting promiscuous.
Of course the word of mouth got around that I called her a slut, and my ex confronted me and swore a lot then ran off to the bathroom to cry.
At the moment I don't really care about her after she has done, but I don't really want people hating me.
What should I do? apologize?

At 9/22/09 04:30 AM, jimmythehedgehog wrote: At the moment I don't really care about her after she has done, but I don't really want people hating me.
What should I do? apologize?

No, because the only reason you want to apologize to her is to redeem yourself. You should only apologize if you truly feel sorry about what you said to her because of the effect it had on her.

What I do want to add this whole thing is simple; why bother anyway? Why would you even call her anything if you no longer have anything to do with her? What does it matter that she goes out with a bunch of guys? Why does it matter that she lives life the way she wants to? And most importantly, why do you have to share your meaning about it with anybody else?

What I'm trying to make clear to you here is that all of this stuff is not important. Life is about being happy and doing what you want. How does calling her a slut make you happy? What does it contribute to your life?
Calling other people on their behaviour is the best time to reflect upon yourself and see what you need to change about yourself. So what does calling her a slut say about you? And what does trying to redeem yourself say about you?

Yet again thanks for your advice.
I will just not care about what she does and delete the memories of bad times with her.

OMG, today was one of the best days I've had in a long time.
Let's just get this out of the way, I have never had a girlfriend.
I've never kissed a girl.
I've hugged many girls, but not like romantically.
So this just happened today.

I made a nine piece square puzzle that when put together, had a monster thing saying "Go Outside".
I left it on my good friend's (who I like) doorstep and ding-dong-ditched her.
I then waited outside with some flowers and my guitar.
She came out after a few minutes, and I started to play "Question" by The OLd 97's.
I totally forgot all the lyrics, but she thought it was cute.
Anyways, I got a date to homecoming! I'm so excited, I've never even gone on like a romantic date.
I've hung out with her just us 2 before, but it was just like friends.

So, anyways, I was talking to a mutual friend of ours, and she said that my "crush" had come over earlier. Well apparently, she is really excited about it, which means I'm not the only one :3
I'm so excited, I thought she just said yes to be nice at first, but after talking to some people, I am really happy and excited.

So yeah, none of you probably care about all this, but I've liked her since like April, so I'm pretty much SUPER HAPPY.
I feel like telling every single person in the world how much I adore her right now.

At 9/23/09 02:13 AM, Spaghetti14 wrote: So yeah, none of you probably care about all this, but I've liked her since like April, so I'm pretty much SUPER HAPPY.
I feel like telling every single person in the world how much I adore her right now.

Congrats man, enjoy ;)

At 9/23/09 03:29 AM, Vincoid wrote:

At 9/23/09 02:13 AM, Spaghetti14 wrote: So yeah, none of you probably care about all this, but I've liked her since like April, so I'm pretty much SUPER HAPPY.
I feel like telling every single person in the world how much I adore her right now.

Congrats man, enjoy ;)

Thank you :3
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
:)

Well, she just called me down to a meeting point like 10 minutes ago.
She said she felt like she was leading me on, and really loved me as a friend, but didn't feel the same, and therefor didn't want to be in effect lying to me.
I feel shitty.

So, as me trying to be more social, I decided to show up at church.

Bad idea.

Anyways, I show up at church, everyone basically treats me like an outcast, noone wanted to talk to me, they know I'm not christian, but I just wanted to be a little more sociable, I went through the service and I noticed about every other person glancing at me, by myself in the back row, as if I was about too shoot the pastor or somthing, it was wierd, about 30 minutes through with this fucking shit, of me sitting by myself, even I decided to pray and sing with everyone, and actually try and participate, even if i was practically screaming the lyrics in the back row, I still got these bad looks, a few older people walked past and put there hand on me and said " may god have mercy on your soul " I just got up and said sorry, and left.

I don't know what this shit is all about it pisses me off, I know this has nothing to do with relationships, but what's going on? I notice when I tell people " I'm Agnostic " they seem to instantly be repelled by me as if I'm a fucking aids infested rat, Why the fuck does this happen?

This is seriously pissing me off, being targeted by a church...

So there is this really hot girl who has been my friend for 2 years.

We have never been out but she let me feel all up on her boob. (yes, it was a game we were playing)
Also she's stroked my dick. (also part of the game)
So I want to know how to get our friendship into a relationship. Also I forgot to mention we've kissed before.

I guess I feel like I'm not good enough for her, because she has the body of a goddess, and I'm just a kid on NG constantly.

Any advice?

At 9/24/09 09:21 PM, Tykwa wrote: I don't know what this shit is all about it pisses me off, I know this has nothing to do with relationships, but what's going on? I notice when I tell people " I'm Agnostic " they seem to instantly be repelled by me as if I'm a fucking aids infested rat, Why the fuck does this happen?

It's in people's nature. It seems like you met the side of Christianity that seems to believe that anyone not thinking like them is an enemy. They feel safe around each other for they all believe the same thing, but you're different so you're a possible threat.
Not only that, they're also ignorant to human nature and are prejudiced in a very unhealthy way.

This is seriously pissing me off, being targeted by a church...

Why? Why would you want to connect with people who are dismissing you for not thinking alike? Why would you want to be accepted by those that are single-minded?

What you need to know here is that trying to connect with these people is futile. What you're basicly doing is not trying to be more sociable, but to put you inbetween these people and try to see if they'll change themselves for you because you somehow made some great gesture by showing up there. Trying to change other people, no matter on what scale, will always fail and make you unhappy when you let your own emotions depend upon it. Creating goals that require any sort of control outside of yourself are setting you up for failure.
So, instead of trying to change these people, accept that they will not come to like you unless you turn to Christianity. I highly doubt that's worth the trouble because it would require you to change in something you don't to be.
Just go out and find those people that are like you or, unlike these people, do not judge you because of your believes.

At 9/24/09 10:13 PM, jake-thesnake wrote: So there is this really hot girl who has been my friend for 2 years.

We have never been out but she let me feel all up on her boob.

Are you saying she's only got one boob?

(yes, it was a game we were playing)
Also she's stroked my dick. (also part of the game)
So I want to know how to get our friendship into a relationship. Also I forgot to mention we've kissed before.

I guess I feel like I'm not good enough for her, because she has the body of a goddess, and I'm just a kid on NG constantly.

Few questions for you:

1: How does her having a good body make you unworthy?
2: How is her being hot even relevant to that?
3: Why would being on NG make you unworthy?

Any advice?

Yeah, stop thinking that you're unworthy because that's the only reason why you feel like you are. The truth is that you are in no way unworthy unless you believe you are.