I asked my mother kindly for my week's allowance of $10. She hands it to me and I head toward the door, the gateway to the vast outdoors which connects to 7-Eleven, the vault that holds copies of the Holy Grail, or as it more commonly known by the youth as "Mountain Dew". I feel feelings of mirth as I mount my bicycle and exit my precise territory.
As I enter the Vault, I spot various treasures in my vision, but my prime objective was the refridgerator. I open the cold door with my bare hands, quite a feat. I reach for the cans of Dew, and take one of the original prototypes....
Then something strange happened. After I took an original Dew from the refrigerator, I was blinded by a bright light. As my eyes finally adjusted to the light after a long while, I then saw the unthinkable. The impossible. I saw the heavens of the earth and the good...split in two purple aluminum cans. Immediately I went to grab these purple cans, to protect then from the vicious trolls to come. But I was stopped.
"No! Please, don't take us. All we want is peace! We are almost extinct. Almost wiped off completely from the face of the earth!" said one of the Purple Dews, who spoke with a thick, whining Scottish accent.
"I am and completely and utterly aware of this." Said I, "Pepsi's corrupt politics and leadership is using their armies, known as Voltage, to EXTERMINATE all other Dews. They say they are only taking you and your Canadian allies, who are known as Revolution because of their to being similar, but better, than the corrupt Voltage, but they will eventually exterminate all the other flavors as well. Voltage is angry because of Revolution's actions; and is starting a genocide of jews... I'm sorry, Dews, and take over the world of carbonated beverages! But do not fear. I will keep you protected, in the refrigerator in my attic, to keep you from the Dewzis!"
"Thank you very, very much, sir" said the second Purple Dew. "You really know the meaning of purity and justice,".
I quickly bought the two Purple Dews, for a price of $2.09. As the employee of the Vault was packaging then in a protective plastic cacoon, I exited the Vault, mounted my bicycle once again, and strode off.
I tried to keep the plastic bag hidden and covered. But I knew it would not make a diffrerence. Dewzis march around the town twenty four hours a day. Soon enough, one Dewzi nosily asked me what was in the bag I was obviously hiding, so I showed him. The second he saw the Dews in the bag, I punted him in the the regional genitals, making him drop to the asphalt sidewalk. I grasped the fragile Dews, rapidly mounted my bike, and pedaled as fast as I could.
One minute in, two Dewzi automobiles followed me with no mercy. They shot several times with bullets filled with Voltage poison, but my agility and swiftness was able to avoid the missiles.
But my agility was not 100%.
A bullet managed to hit the bag like a bulls eye. Following that, two bullets hit my hind tires. This caused me to completely loose balance, fall in the street, get crushed (along with the Purple Dews) by the various vehicles that passed, and eventually end up in the grass across the street, where the Purple Dew juice, along with my blood, sank into the soil.
I'm in the hospital right now in critical condition, doctors say I have a 50% chance of living for the next 7 days. But what saddened me the most was that the Purple Dews did not stand a chance. They were slaughtered. Crushed without hope or a chance.