Ur fav stand up comedy lines?

[Treehugger4321]

What's ur fav stand up comedy lines?
Mine is: "i would never do crack, i would never do a drug that's named after a part of my ass!"

[DunnLavitz]

"theres something that gets you real high like all of the other drugs, its called marathon running. just look at someone who does that. 'i just ran 26 miles' 'how do you feel?' 'im alive! im covered in my own shit, but im alive!' and its really a cheap high, because all it costs you is a pair of godamn shoes baby! and you never see someone standing around a track saying 'psst.. my man.. wanna pair of nike's? put this on, do this for a while.. mess you up..'"

[SycoSimon]

I like anything by larry the cable guy

[ReeferKeefer]

At 7/14/04 03:02 PM, tehbigman wrote: I like anything by larry the cable guy

He seems like he forces some of his jokes so I dont really like him much. But props to the first quote that game from Dennis Leary....hes the poop/

i used to like jerry seinfeld but Ive seen too much, noe Jeff Gaffman is hilarious, he was just on the Late Night with conan o brioan

[ComradeYuri]

"The Puritans, our ancestors. They were so uptight, the English kicked them out. How fucking anal do you have to be for the English to go *english accent* Get the fuck out! No, take your pimp shoes and go!"
-Robin Williams: Live on Broadway
A rant about how America was founded

[Earfetish]

It would be pretty difficult to give a line. It's less clever by itself....

[Samuraikyo]

Chris Rock when he said "Guns are so easy to get and so are bullets" You just walk into a store and buy them for like $50. So i thought i would do something smart. I could make the guns like $20 but the bullets $5000, and when someone goes to shoot someone they will think......wait is this really worth $5000. lol i dunno i thought it was funny.

[Disc]

"I was so poor growing up, if i hadn't ended up a boy, I would of had nothing to play with." - Rodney Dangerfield

[Apherial]

I like anything by Denis Leary, Lewis Black, Dane Cook or Dave Attell.

[mightypotato]

So what's the deal with airline food?

[Earfetish]

At 7/14/04 03:11 PM, Dr_Nick_Riviera wrote: So what's the deal with airline food?

Life is bleak.

[Homophobe]

I went into the butchers, and said "wheres your assistent?"
"I fired him, he was putting his penis inot the bacon slicer"
"oh, what happened to the bacon slicer"
" I fired her too"

TEH LOL

[iscrulz]

any from will farell adam sandler dave chappelle rich vos and ANT.

How do I roll my market capital gains into a roth irs. ------------majoorshake

[Camarohusky]

Pretty much anything Jim Gaffigan says...

"This is more watery than water... It's got a water kick to it."

(talking about bottled water)

[He-Who-Never-Was]

denis leary doing those two stand up comedy's

[SUDDS1324]

Dane Cook is definitely one of my favorite standup comics. Check this out. Click Audio/Video when ya get there, then Comedy Central Bar Mitzvah Bash. Funny stuff.... at least to me.

[ElijahMoishe]

You know your a redneck when you where a dress that's strapless with a bra that ISN'T. (then larry the cable guy raises his hand)

[AlternateAccount]

its been done, but
"WH3RE ELSE I PUT M^H GARPHFUNKALAGEBE"
Housemaster, Arfenhouse Teh Movie

[Wadezilla]

"If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

--Mitch Hedberg

[samurai-skillz]

"Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus..I guess that's why your mommy left us." Stephen Lynch

[UVSoaked]

At 7/14/04 03:02 PM, tehbigman wrote: I like anything by larry the cable guy

lol same!

"...If it wasn't for my horse.. I would of never spent those four years in college..." - Lewis Black.

[Morextremist]

comdey is good, greedy corporations should pursue cashing in on it

[dsmking]

You can never look tough drinking through a sippy straw

[BaronVonBadGuy]

"Hey how is everyone doing tonight?"

When ever any of them say that, I almost die from laughing so hard!

Mike

[Duck-Man]

My favorite in english is: I've seen thing you'd never seen ! You'd never seen a man taking a shit while he's running full speed !

This one inspired something in CKY 3

[SUDDS1324]

At 7/14/04 05:51 PM, samurai_skillz wrote: "Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus..I guess that's why your mommy left us." Stephen Lynch

At 7/14/04 06:08 PM, Crimson_Edge wrote: "...If it wasn't for my horse.. I would of never spent those four years in college..." - Lewis Black.

lol. Those are good ones. The whole Stephen Lynch comedy thing was funny, well I didn't like the taxi driver song so much, but the rest was funny as hell. Lewis Black is always funny.

[Slimyguy]

At 7/14/04 03:52 PM, Camarohusky wrote: Pretty much anything Jim Gaffigan says...

"This is more watery than water... It's got a water kick to it."

(talking about bottled water)

Yes, Jim Gaffigan is a comedic GOD.

"I'm the greatest pope ever!"

Oh, yes and Robin Williams is the funniest man alive.

[BonusStage]

One time i went into this house, and it was infested with koalas, it was the cutest infestation ever, and when i turned the lights on they'd scatter, and i'd say "Don't run from me, i wanna hold you :_<" - Mitch Hedberg (Not exact, but damn close )