Trust Issues

[Kwing]

I was just told for the second time that I need to work out trust issues on my own before I'm ready for a relationship. I don't even know how that makes sense.

Trust is built by having experiences with other people. If you're being denied those experiences you're being denied trust. No trust means you're stuck. What people have said to me seems to imply that I can somehow wander off into the desert alone and meditate for a month and that will solve everything. I was under the impression that trust issues come from being conditioned not to trust. Ergo, the only solution is to have experiences that break the conditioning.

So is there some kind of counter-intuitive method for dealing with trust issues alone or are these people just full of shit?

[Kwing]

At 9/2/17 03:34 AM, Hacklyn wrote: It's possible that they're trying to say you're prejudiced. It's either that or the popular gossip for you is that you have trust issues and they'll just dismiss everything till they get some kind of narcissistic catharsis (and, possibly, then some).

Considering you're already wondering about trusting people, it's safe to say you do have plans to (based on what you've said).

My advice is to try to meet people outside of that social circle if they're not going to listen to reason.

Those two people are from different social circles, so I can't treat them like they're a part of the same think tank. They are right though - I do have pretty severe issues with trust. If you Google a list of symptoms I have nearly all of them. I think the issue on their end is that my problem is creating an entry barrier into the relationship - a barrier that someone might be willing to deal with if there was already a really strong connection or an incentive to work through it, but not for a relationship that isn't serious yet. Which, like the "work through it on your own" argument, really makes it impossible for me to overcome the issue.

[SatanBrain]

Trust is earned, not given.

[DamnedByFate]

You still give a shit about relationships. There's your problem.

[Sevkat]

relationships are for fuckin normies

[Ultramartyr]

my suggestion to you is therapy. it's the best self-help out there. the therapist will coach you on ways to approach and interact with people, as well as talk you through the events that caused your issues in the first place, and help you find closure.

"just don't care about relationships" is advice coming from people who can't get laid, ignore that shit.

[DamnedByFate]

At 9/3/17 05:04 AM, Ultramartyr wrote: "just don't care about relationships" is advice coming from people who can't get laid

Hookers exist for a reason.

[Kwing]

At 9/3/17 05:04 AM, Ultramartyr wrote: my suggestion to you is therapy. it's the best self-help out there. the therapist will coach you on ways to approach and interact with people, as well as talk you through the events that caused your issues in the first place, and help you find closure.

I've already tried that. Closure is kind of a moot point now, since I'm not in contact with the people that have hurt me and I feel I understand as much about those situations as I ever will. I'm also a fairly normal person to interact with as well, it's just that I politely keep others at a distance and no amount of therapy seems to have changed that.

[Swag-in-a-Bag]

My levels of trust vary from person to person. Trustworthiness is a trait not many people have

[Ultramartyr]

At 9/3/17 03:45 PM, Kwing wrote:

At 9/3/17 05:04 AM, Ultramartyr wrote: my suggestion to you is therapy. it's the best self-help out there. the therapist will coach you on ways to approach and interact with people, as well as talk you through the events that caused your issues in the first place, and help you find closure.

I've already tried that. Closure is kind of a moot point now, since I'm not in contact with the people that have hurt me and I feel I understand as much about those situations as I ever will. I'm also a fairly normal person to interact with as well, it's just that I politely keep others at a distance and no amount of therapy seems to have changed that.

the fact that you still have trust issues tells me that you haven't come to terms with whatever happened in your past. even if you don't see immediate results, it's still nice to get stuff off your chest with an unbiased party who's job it is to get you to a better place. maybe you just haven't seen the right therapist. or not for long enough. or you didn't open up as much as you should have. either way, therapy is the best course of action, i believe.

[Kiwi]

trust no bitch

[Kwing]

At 9/4/17 01:00 AM, Ultramartyr wrote: the fact that you still have trust issues tells me that you haven't come to terms with whatever happened in your past. even if you don't see immediate results, it's still nice to get stuff off your chest with an unbiased party who's job it is to get you to a better place. maybe you just haven't seen the right therapist. or not for long enough. or you didn't open up as much as you should have. either way, therapy is the best course of action, i believe.

I'm not really in a position to be seeing a therapist right now. The psychological services offered at my University are universally hated, and my the number of therapists in my insurance network are virtually nonexistent and all have terrible ratings online.

[Kwing]

At 9/4/17 04:44 AM, Hacklyn wrote: I hope the two different people of different social circles didn't include your therapist. It could be possible that you might be the type who prefers a certain way of social interaction that just keeps people at a distance. Maybe your comfortable the way it is? Or if you are looking for something more, what would it be like? Do you want to talk to people? Is it in the way you talk to us? More?

I'm pretty socially competent, actually. The only situations in which I might been seen as a little abnormal is when I'm in a big group, and that's because I generally dislike group interaction. But that's not something I'm looking to change.

The issue has more to do with opening up to people, which is a little more complicated than it sounds. If someone I barely know asks me very personal questions about myself I'm usually fine answering really sensitive stuff because I feel confident about who I am and I don't really care if someone judges me for it.

The real issue comes down to not having a support system. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm feeling depressed or overwhelmed, and I feel really uncomfortable contacting the few people that have told me that I COULD give them a call if I needed anything. In the past I've been more likely to talk to someone about my problems if they've told me about their own weaknesses, as it shows that the trust is going both ways. Thing is, for whatever reason nobody really sees me as someone they can (or want to) talk to. Everyone I know already has a network of support and no one seems to be looking to expand it.

[LEFTazs]

I've experienced the same thing as you, and I'm still fixing it.
I've also felt like that I need a solid ground, someone who I can talk to when I'm down. But here's the thing: you don't need a support system. You should rather try to solve that depression yourself. Try to fill that emptyness with something else, not people. It'll make you less dependent on others.
At the end, everyone sees the world in their own perspective and doesn't care about other's. You shouldn't waste your time looking for someone who does care.

At 9/4/17 01:33 PM, Kwing wrote:

At 9/4/17 04:44 AM, Hacklyn wrote: I hope the two different people of different social circles didn't include your therapist. It could be possible that you might be the type who prefers a certain way of social interaction that just keeps people at a distance. Maybe your comfortable the way it is? Or if you are looking for something more, what would it be like? Do you want to talk to people? Is it in the way you talk to us? More?

I'm pretty socially competent, actually. The only situations in which I might been seen as a little abnormal is when I'm in a big group, and that's because I generally dislike group interaction. But that's not something I'm looking to change.

The issue has more to do with opening up to people, which is a little more complicated than it sounds. If someone I barely know asks me very personal questions about myself I'm usually fine answering really sensitive stuff because I feel confident about who I am and I don't really care if someone judges me for it.

The real issue comes down to not having a support system. I don't have anyone to talk to when I'm feeling depressed or overwhelmed, and I feel really uncomfortable contacting the few people that have told me that I COULD give them a call if I needed anything. In the past I've been more likely to talk to someone about my problems if they've told me about their own weaknesses, as it shows that the trust is going both ways. Thing is, for whatever reason nobody really sees me as someone they can (or want to) talk to. Everyone I know already has a network of support and no one seems to be looking to expand it.

[FUNKbrs]

When someone is trying to fuck you over, and you don't let them, they'll tell you you have trust issues.

Anyone who says "you have trust issues" is leaving you because they're manipulative and you're not easy enough for them to exploit.

[Peepers]

At 9/4/17 02:48 PM, Zornuzkull wrote:

At 9/4/17 02:31 PM, LEFTazs wrote: Try to fill that emptyness with something else,

alcohol...

and dildos. Lots and lots of dildos.

[Kwing]

At 9/4/17 02:31 PM, LEFTazs wrote: I've also felt like that I need a solid ground, someone who I can talk to when I'm down. But here's the thing: you don't need a support system. You should rather try to solve that depression yourself. Try to fill that emptyness with something else, not people. It'll make you less dependent on others.
At the end, everyone sees the world in their own perspective and doesn't care about other's. You shouldn't waste your time looking for someone who does care.

I know I don't need a support system. I've gone several years without one, and in general I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. That said, I've found that the most meaningful and compelling connections I've had have been the product of trust, support, and sometimes sacrifice. Those connections are something that I know I want to start having again, and I say that from the perspective of someone that's been independent of these things for quite some time.