Script Critiques Needed!

[LittleSween]

Hey Everyone

I'm new to this whole forum thing so i'll keep it brief. I'm a student animator in England with a keen interest in writing, but I'm kind of devoid of critiques, good bad or otherwise so i'm hoping someone can help me out.
"PixelPhobia"

https://www.celtx.com/auth/public/resource/gmnmyw13

It's essentially a video game orientated tale with religious undertones, about a former platformer whose fame has faded into obscurity, whilst blaming the powers to sit above (Gamers) for his misfortune. I assure you the tone is not that serious or grim, more like a cross between Bruce Almighty/Wreck it Ralph with a little Scott Pilgrim for good measure.

I've included a concept piece for good measure. Any thoughts ?

[NipponDevil]

Wow, I started to read this waaaay too late in the day. I'll be back later for a full review of the story the script depicts. For now, I'll just leave you with my first impression of how the script was written.

Better than most of the scripts I see that come this way. It's very easy to read, and your scenes are presented well. There are, however, a lot of details that just aren't necessary. Like how you describe how characters are reacting to things that happened off screen or can only be decerned from the script itself...

...We then cut to our hero Louie Pixalman, known to the wider world as PIXEL approaching his dresser...

...PIXEL is walking home, exhausted from a lacklustre day...

Off screen stuff does not belong in a script. Basically, you wrote parts of your script more like a novel than a script. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can confuse the animators/director that are going to receive the script. If this is a script that only you are going to be handling, then this is mostly a non-issue.

[NipponDevil]

Finished reading the script.

I stand by what I said before, you have a lot of details written down with no clear way for a director/animator to incorporate them into the work itself.

While I really enjoyed the story, it wasn't what you had described...

At 1/22/16 12:48 PM, LittleSween wrote: It's essentially a video game orientated tale with religious undertones. I assure you the tone is not that serious or grim, :more like a cross between Bruce Almighty/Wreck it Ralph with a little Scott Pilgrim for good measure.

It is video game themed for sure, but the religious implications are far stronger than just undertones. As soon as you bring god directly into the world it becomes a hybrid video game/religious theme. Maybe it won't be grim or serious, but the script reads like it is. Most of your humor comes from things being from a video game, and I think that in having a strong video game theme, most of these jokes won't be noticed and will simply be taken as part of the video game theme rather than "lol, get the reference?" My own humble opinion? I think the story works great as-is, even with the comedy not really coming through. However, might I be bold enough to suggest you re-work the god scene a little bit. You could have something happen that could be interpreted as an "act of god", but having god literally show up and put the pieces together for our hero was anti-climatic and probably a bit more spiritual/religious than what you were going for.

To nitpick:

At 1/22/16 12:48 PM, LittleSween wrote: "PixelPhobia"

I think this name fails to capture the essence of what you're writing. That, and I have yet to play a good video game with the name "pixel" in it. I tend to avoid such title all together. Your story is about a father struggling to find the happiness he had in his youth. I'd go for something like ""Game Changer" or "Those Above."

At 1/22/16 12:48 PM, LittleSween wrote: I've included a concept piece for good measure. Any thoughts?

I like the fact that he's basically a bunch of random heroes mashed together. I can see a bit of cloud and the miner from mine craft right away. I'm not sure how the pixel filler thing would work in animation though.

CLOSING COMMENT:
Steven Spielberg recently went back to finish his collage diploma, but realized he didn't have time to make movies and take courses. The teacher said they'd give him the credits he needed for the diploma if he proved he didn't need it by giving the teacher a screenplay that showed he knew what he had to know. So he gave the teacher the screenplay to Schindler's list, an academy award winning piece. Do you know that the teacher refused to hand out the extra credits?

What I'm trying to say is, critiques are worth the paper they're written on, and in this case, there's not even paper involved! your story could be perfectly flawless and people would still find things to point out. So take what I say with a grain of salt, if you take it at all.

[LittleSween]

At 1/22/16 09:11 PM, NipponDevil wrote: Wow, I started to read this waaaay too late in the day. I'll be back later for a full review of the story the script depicts. For now, I'll just leave you with my first impression of how the script was written.

Better than most of the scripts I see that come this way. It's very easy to read, and your scenes are presented well. There are, however, a lot of details that just aren't necessary. Like how you describe how characters are reacting to things that happened off screen or can only be decerned from the script itself...

...We then cut to our hero Louie Pixalman, known to the wider world as PIXEL approaching his dresser...

...PIXEL is walking home, exhausted from a lacklustre day...

Off screen stuff does not belong in a script. Basically, you wrote parts of your script more like a novel than a script. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can confuse the animators/director that are going to receive the script. If this is a script that only you are going to be handling, then this is mostly a non-issue.

Thanks for the opinion man, I really appreciate this. I'm just working on the 2nd draft now.
It's a project that i'm in the process of animating myself, and an awful lot scenes (maybe too many in consideration) were left vague for me to incorporate in the storyboarding, like his days of work, but I'll be sure to specify.

[LittleSween]

Again man, I can't thank you for all the pointers you're gifting me, any criticism is good criticism <3

It is video game themed for sure, but the religious implications are far stronger than just undertones. As soon as you bring god directly into the world it becomes a hybrid video game/religious theme. Maybe it won't be grim or serious, but the script reads like it is. Most of your humor comes from things being from a video game, and I think that in having a strong video game theme, most of these jokes won't be noticed and will simply be taken as part of the video game theme rather than "lol, get the reference?" My own humble opinion? I think the story works great as-is, even with the comedy not really coming through. However, might I be bold enough to suggest you re-work the god scene a little bit. You could have something happen that could be interpreted as an "act of god", but having god literally show up and put the pieces together for our hero was anti-climatic and probably a bit more spiritual/religious than what you were going for.

I suppose, It was definitely my intent, in hindsight I was looking more towards the metaphors of problems that you encounter in examples such as these. Like Scott Pilgrim essentially being a romance story with metaphors, and Ralph following a similar line of thought.
I completely understand, I was experiencing some trouble with Pixel having his eureka moment and change of character. I thought it would seem all nice and existential but it actually comes across with a lot of exposition. I suppose I should bulk the concept slightly better with it being like a "Final Boss" or something of the like.

I think this name fails to capture the essence of what you're writing. That, and I have yet to play a good video game with the name "pixel" in it. I tend to avoid such title all together. Your story is about a father struggling to find the happiness he had in his youth. I'd go for something like ""Game Changer" or "Those Above."

It's only a working title as of yet, but I understand fully. Love the suggestions btw.

I like the fact that he's basically a bunch of random heroes mashed together. I can see a bit of cloud and the miner from mine craft right away. I'm not sure how the pixel filler thing would work in animation though.

Again, apologies about being somewhat misleading. He's going to be solid colour. I was just messing with some PS filters.

CLOSING COMMENT:
Steven Spielberg recently went back to finish his collage diploma, but realized he didn't have time to make movies and take courses. The teacher said they'd give him the credits he needed for the diploma if he proved he didn't need it by giving the teacher a screenplay that showed he knew what he had to know. So he gave the teacher the screenplay to Schindler's list, an academy award winning piece. Do you know that the teacher refused to hand out the extra credits?

What I'm trying to say is, critiques are worth the paper they're written on, and in this case, there's not even paper involved! your story could be perfectly flawless and people would still find things to point out. So take what I say with a grain of salt, if you take it at all.

I can't possibly give you enough props for all the pointers man. Am I cool to toss the 2nd draft your way once it's finished.

Best Wishes

LittleSween

[NipponDevil]

At 1/25/16 06:21 AM, LittleSween wrote: I can't possibly give you enough props for all the pointers man. Am I cool to toss the 2nd draft your way once it's finished.

Of course! I'd just like to stress that you realize I've never written a scrip in my life. I've written for a while, but it's mostly prose and I'm self taught. But yea, I'd love to read the next revision, and hopefully you can get a few other people to read it as well.

[LittleSween]

Of course! I'd just like to stress that you realize I've never written a scrip in my life. I've written for a while, but it's mostly prose and I'm self taught. But yea, I'd love to read the next revision, and hopefully you can get a few other people to read it as well.

No problem's at all man, All I've ever learnt about writing for the stage and screen is what I've read from a book from Syd Field or Blake Synder, but thanks anyway man <3