My name is Detective John Goldman. I take the cases everyone fears.
So there I was, in the thick of it. A real shit storm. This had "Crime of The Century" written all over it. It was a Tuesday, when the chief called me in. Some sick little fuck walked up and, in broad daylight, stole the juice box of a one, Jaime Torres. Gave her cooties too. I couldn't say she didn't deserve it, she and I had history, but cooties? That seemed a bit over the top. Not two days ago I had poured my heart out to her. What a sap I was. She played me for my heart and my damn cookies. Dames, huh? But enough about that, I need a changing.
My investigation was heating up. With a fresh diaper, I made my way to the local strip club, The Milk Bar. This is where all the scum came to blow off steam. I was here for other purposes. I made my way to Tommy Two-chin, the bouncer. "I'm here to see Suzie Q." He stood up, giving me a view of how massive he truly was. This wasn't going to end very well. "Can't do that, little guy. I have orders." "What are they? Don't eat the customers?" I'll admit, that may have been a bad idea on my part. I'd missed my workout, though. Who knows? This could be fun. He had a look of anger and constipation on his face. It was as red as an apple and twice as big. I stood there, calmly. Waiting for him to make his move. His fist came out of nowhere. Next thing I know I'm looking at the ceiling. Yep, this was going to be fun. I made my way to my feet, pulling out my gun. A warning shot should do. I aimed for his head and fired. "They all fall down."
What? I said it would do, not that he'd get one. I found Suzie Q in the restrooms snorting formula off his teddy bear's ass. You see, Suzie was a boy in love with his teddy and hated girls with a passion. Some may say enough to give them cooties. "What's the word on the street, Suzie? Who gave Jamie the cooties?" He grinned as he sat up. "I don't know what you are going on about, Detective. These things don't concern me." He made his way to the big boy stall. Probably to get a gun. "I will say this, though. Little bitch got what she deserved. I doubt she'll be taking any more cookies. Speaking of,I have your's riiiiight here!" He drew and fired. Damn, he was faster than I thought. This was my best trenchcoat. The chief is going to be pissed. I had ducked behind one of the trash cans. Fuck, couldn't get a clear shot of him. I could see the bear, though. You can't see it, but I'm grinning devilishly. I aimed for the teddy. Suzie reacted just as I hoped he would. He flung himself in front of his great love. I put one in his hand to disarm him and one in his knee for the coat. "Fine, I'll tell you! It was Jaime!" "What the hell are you talking about?" I put the gun to the teddy's head. "Start talking sense!" "She fixed the whole thing, I swear." He had started crying. It was a nasty. Had a snot bubble and everything. "She has a cure for the cooties. She knew this was the only way to get you here." "Why did she want me here?!" I couldn't process this. "To take you out. Your cookies had fruit in them." Dames. Can't live with them, can't set them on fire. "You are going to let me go, aren't you? I've told you everything I know." "Sure, Champ. You are free to go….to hell." Was that a bit much? Nah, it was cool.
I knew the score now. I was a marked man. All on account of a few pieces of fruit. What can I say? The chief wants me to eat healthy. After roughing some contacts up, I found out where Jaime would be waiting. Seems she wanted to give up. Has trap written all over it. She was at Pickup Point, a dangerous place to be. The cars go five miles an hour. Real speed demons. I spotted her near a sign. She looked like an angel. If an angel was satan… haha get it? Damn, I'm funny.
She spotted me in no time and beckoned me forward. I walked to her slowly. "Why, Jaime? Is this really over fruit laced sweets?" She gave me a smile. God, what a smile. "Are you really that slow, John? You've made a lot of enemies here. They all offered me a fortune to take you out." "And breaking my heart?" She began laughing. "Hey, a girl has to have her fun." She reached in her pocket and pulled a gun. "Goodbye, John. I'm going to kill you now. Then, I'm catching the first car out. I just have to be cute and throw some gagas and googoos." She had planned this, I'll give her that. "You forget something, my dear." I chuckled. "What's that?" BANG! "I have no problems shooting first." At that moment, by pure luck, the chief pulled up. I stood over Jaimes' lifeless body, as the chief walked up. "Gaga googoo deady." The chief picked me up. "Honey, he just said 'Daddy'!" "What happened to his coat?" I let out a sigh. I wish they would just put me in the goddamn car.
