November Swing (poem)

[wholphin]

November swings around again
The pendulum of misery
Take the dagger in your hand, and
Sever the coin joined to the string.

November air will chill the spine
Of children happiness forgot
I’m far too old for it this time
But fresh-born babes will feel the rot

November, beauty though you hold
You have made a mess of me
You mused the silly rhymes of old
And my odes to our chemistry

November, burn my heaving lungs
For they will never take me far
Something of a sad man I’ve become
Weary and hanging from your pendulum

My knees shake with anticipation
Of your beauty, of your grace
You are evil. You are dark.
You put a smile upon my face.

I love you, winter. Precious night.
Precious death, O precious fright
O precious pain, dear misery
You steal my breath each time you swing.

--
As one might guess, I wrote this 3 months ago. Opinions, critique, and abuse welcomed and encouraged.
(And props if you cought any influence from a particular lyricist)

[LEMONATOR18]

Hey man, it looks like no one's bothered to comment on a pretty decent poem, so allow me.

First off, the metre is nice. I don't know how familiar you are with poetical terms or anything, but the iambic pentameter suits the theme really well - it's solid, but it feels kind of imbalanced in ways, which reflects the imbalance in the subject really nicely. You could check out some William Blake if you're interested, he's basically the don when it comes to ballady forms like that. Your imagery is effective too, your words are harsh and cold, but I can still feel a sense of relief and calm beneath them.

I'm not going to go abusing anything you've written, but in terms of improvement or points to work on, I'd say punctuation is a priority, there's just not enough of it. The last stanza is definitely the strongest - the repetition is bang on and it wraps it up superbly, but I'd make the pendulum theme more prominent throughout the whole poem, it's got some nice connotations about the cyclical and I think you could really milk that.

All in all, nice work. Sorry if I sound like a pretentious twat. Happy poeming.

[Intrapath]

Great piece! I really have nothing to add that LEMONATOR18 hasn't already said. The imagery got stronger as it went along, and the pendulum theme is used well. Once again, great job!

[wholphin]

At 2/19/15 01:29 PM, LEMONATOR18 wrote: Hey man, it looks like no one's bothered to comment on a pretty decent poem, so allow me.

First off, the metre is nice. I don't know how familiar you are with poetical terms or anything, but the iambic pentameter suits the theme really well - it's solid, but it feels kind of imbalanced in ways, which reflects the imbalance in the subject really nicely. You could check out some William Blake if you're interested, he's basically the don when it comes to ballady forms like that. Your imagery is effective too, your words are harsh and cold, but I can still feel a sense of relief and calm beneath them.

I'm not going to go abusing anything you've written, but in terms of improvement or points to work on, I'd say punctuation is a priority, there's just not enough of it. The last stanza is definitely the strongest - the repetition is bang on and it wraps it up superbly, but I'd make the pendulum theme more prominent throughout the whole poem, it's got some nice connotations about the cyclical and I think you could really milk that.

All in all, nice work. Sorry if I sound like a pretentious twat. Happy poeming.

Ah, I'm glad you chose to comment on my work! Thank you! I hate to sound sarcastic but it does mean a lot to me; I like hearing from people who actually know a thing or two about writing and can offer legitimate critique. I don't study poetry at all but I vaguely know what iambic pentameter is. While I love to write, I often find the poetry of others to be incredibly dull. I don't know what that says about me. This William Blake fellow is rather interesting, though! Thanks for recommending me.

You don't sound pretentious at all, my friend. In fact, you seem hella chill. Out of curiosity, how old would you guess I was after reading this poem?

[Ghoti]

You're pretty young. You still measure things by seasons.

That's a good thing. Initial imagery encouraging spending is cool and accurate. Kind of turns into appreciating winter which I kind of hate. Right now winter is the worst for me; I live in the northeastern United States. Overall very good.

[LEMONATOR18]

At 2/20/15 03:37 PM, wholphin wrote:

At 2/19/15 01:29 PM, LEMONATOR18 wrote: Hey man, it looks like no one's bothered to comment on a pretty decent poem, so allow me.

First off, the metre is nice. I don't know how familiar you are with poetical terms or anything, but the iambic pentameter suits the theme really well - it's solid, but it feels kind of imbalanced in ways, which reflects the imbalance in the subject really nicely. You could check out some William Blake if you're interested, he's basically the don when it comes to ballady forms like that. Your imagery is effective too, your words are harsh and cold, but I can still feel a sense of relief and calm beneath them.

I'm not going to go abusing anything you've written, but in terms of improvement or points to work on, I'd say punctuation is a priority, there's just not enough of it. The last stanza is definitely the strongest - the repetition is bang on and it wraps it up superbly, but I'd make the pendulum theme more prominent throughout the whole poem, it's got some nice connotations about the cyclical and I think you could really milk that.

All in all, nice work. Sorry if I sound like a pretentious twat. Happy poeming.

Ah, I'm glad you chose to comment on my work! Thank you! I hate to sound sarcastic but it does mean a lot to me; I like hearing from people who actually know a thing or two about writing and can offer legitimate critique. I don't study poetry at all but I vaguely know what iambic pentameter is. While I love to write, I often find the poetry of others to be incredibly dull. I don't know what that says about me. This William Blake fellow is rather interesting, though! Thanks for recommending me.

You don't sound pretentious at all, my friend. In fact, you seem hella chill. Out of curiosity, how old would you guess I was after reading this poem?

One amendment, I mean iambic tetrameter, not pentameter, sorry about that! And no problem, I know it can be annoying to not have anyone recognise your hard work. I know what you mean about other poets too, there's so many dull writers about, you just have to find one that suits your own style.

I'm going to guess you're seventeen maybe? Then again, you could be like forty, but I'll say seventeen.

[wholphin]

At 2/21/15 03:39 PM, LEMONATOR18 wrote: I'm going to guess you're seventeen maybe? Then again, you could be like forty, but I'll say seventeen.

Haha, close! I'm fifteen, friend.

[LEMONATOR18]

At 2/23/15 09:10 PM, wholphin wrote:

At 2/21/15 03:39 PM, LEMONATOR18 wrote: I'm going to guess you're seventeen maybe? Then again, you could be like forty, but I'll say seventeen.

Haha, close! I'm fifteen, friend.

Well it looks like you're on the right lines already! I started getting interested in poems at about your age and I'm eighteen now. Feel free to send me anything else you write if you want me to take a look, I'm always happy to help out. Good luck!

[PhantomX10]

It is quite refreshing to read a poem like this. While I am most certainly not a poetry expert, I most certainly would consider myself an enthusiast, and like you, I find many works by other authors a little dry. I know that rhyme in poetry isn't absolutely necessary, but in my opinion it makes it so much better and I love the fact that you were able to make yours rhyme and keep descriptive wording without compromising meter. I would also like to note your use of parallelism and repetition. The uses of the word November in the first four stanzas, the word precious in the last, and the word you various places throughout the poem really drive home the contrary, yet cumulative nature of the subject (I'm assuming that's what you were going for.)