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My use of imagery any good in this?

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basically I was told to write one page of whatever and use lots of imagery so do ya think I captured something here?

Ferula peered over the golden banister. The angels were still talking amongst themselves and listening mainly to what the one in the center of the assembly hall had to say. She growled, extending her claws and fangs. To either side of her were staircases that arrived at the East and West edges of the room. The angels were crowded around the room with the main speaker atop a raised platform. The assembly hall’s shine was particularly brilliant from the presence of all the angels, especially the one in the center. The brightness was greatly bothering Ferula, so she decided it was time to act. Ferula leapt straight off the banister and plunged into an angel, driving her claws into the angel’s throat upon impact. Every angel in the room sprung back and called their weapons to them, enraged from their fallen comrade. Ferula’s razor-sharp claws eviscerated three charging angels all at once, but three more threw Relic Spears at her feet, pinning her to the golden floor. Ferula roared, causing the ground to shake so that no angel could yet get close, and willing the doors to the hall to shut so no soul could enter. The angel on the raised platform was able to remain concentrated despite the deafening waves, and he chanted a holy spell that trapped Ferula in a shell on the ground.

“Burn, you demon!” he shouted, whilst focusing his energy on the shell.

The heat radiated around the shell and contorted the air. Angels were beginning to gather around the shell in anticipation; they had mostly recovered from the blast of Ferula’s roar. Abruptly, a large claw sliced open the shell. It was glowing orange from the heat. Black mist escaped the slit in the shell and solidified directly in front of the angel atop the platform, and Ferula struck her target, her arm punching a hole through the angel’s chest. His shredded heart, lungs, and bones fell close to the burning shell and melted as he went limp, impaled on Ferula’s blood-covered arm. Several random angels jumped into the air to strike her, but her hair swiftly spread and knocked them back. Ferula twirled around the room, dodging projectiles and cutting down foes. An angel wielding a very large sword managed to slice Ferula in half, and the remaining angels in the room gasped at the victory. But Ferula’s body faded into black mist and composed itself anew. She smirked at the crowd of angels who were now trembling in fear. She ran up to an angel at the speed of sound and stabbed her neck with one claw and brought down her arm, ripping her apart, as another angel attempted to blast Ferula with a poison spell, but as it came close, she faded to black mist, and it blasted the angel behind her instead, killing him instantly. Ferula manifested behind the angel that threw the poison spell and bit into her neck, draining blood and depleting the strength immediately.

“God, save us!” cried an angel, as he slammed his fists against the tightly shut doors of the assembly hall. In the next moment, a razor-sharp claw sliced out the front of his abdomen and ripped up his body through his head, splitting him nearly in half. Ferula giggled at the sight, and then turned to hunt down the other angels trying to escape. A strand of her silky, flowing hair minced through the neck of one angel, decapitating her.

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-02 16:46:43


Is this from an existing universe? It's hard to get an idea of what's going on without that info, so I'll try to only go off of imagery like your first sentence said. I was able to get a decent image in my head, but I think a little more attention to describing the setting would've gone a long way; I had a much better idea of how the gore and mayhem was being portrayed than the location itself. Those actions were described well, but some more drama thrown in might've done some good. It seemed like I was reading about a psychopath at a slaughterhouse, but I don't know the context, so that may work better within the story than on its own.

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-04 17:09:17


At 2/2/15 04:46 PM, LDAF wrote: Is this from an existing universe? It's hard to get an idea of what's going on without that info, so I'll try to only go off of imagery like your first sentence said. I was able to get a decent image in my head, but I think a little more attention to describing the setting would've gone a long way; I had a much better idea of how the gore and mayhem was being portrayed than the location itself. Those actions were described well, but some more drama thrown in might've done some good. It seemed like I was reading about a psychopath at a slaughterhouse, but I don't know the context, so that may work better within the story than on its own.

yup. its called Vampire Kitty, and its mostly about violence.

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1379154
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1361945

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-04 17:17:55


At 2/2/15 04:46 PM, LDAF wrote: Is this from an existing universe? It's hard to get an idea of what's going on without that info, so I'll try to only go off of imagery like your first sentence said. I was able to get a decent image in my head, but I think a little more attention to describing the setting would've gone a long way; I had a much better idea of how the gore and mayhem was being portrayed than the location itself. Those actions were described well, but some more drama thrown in might've done some good. It seemed like I was reading about a psychopath at a slaughterhouse, but I don't know the context, so that may work better within the story than on its own.

I am working on a more polished version of this short! I'll post it when finished :D thanks for the advices@

:D :D :D :D :D I take the psychopath stuff as a compliment

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-04 22:25:24


Ferula peered over the radiant banister, breathing quietly as not to alert the gathering below to her presence. There was a soft hum amongst angels below as a sense of other descended. The murmur immediately ceased as an imposing seraph took the stage atop a magnificent, gleaming platform. Ferula growled, extending her claws and fangs. Blood dripped off her chin from where her fangs came protruding out of her jaws, but she passively forced it to disintegrate before it could hit the foreboding, golden floor. To either side of her were staircases that arrived at the East and West edges of the room. The angels were crowded around, each one with their attention set on the seraph and his fat, hypnotic words. The assembly hall was brilliant and glowing; the angels collectively emanated a very powerful, bright light. Ferula was growing frustrated, having to endure the intensity of what felt like a million suns. Her eyes transitioned from a brimming yellow to a ravenous red, and she let herself fly straight off the banister in a twirling leap and plunged into an unsuspecting angel, driving her razor-sharp, elongated claws into the angel’s throat upon impact, spurting blood all over the angels who were standing adjacent to her. The group sprung back towards the walls of the room at the sight of the scene and each heavenly soldier called his or her weapon to them, enraged from the fallen comrade. In one fluid motion, Ferula’s jutted claws eviscerated three heavily armored, charging angels all at once, but three more threw Relic Spears at her feet, pinning her to the messy floor. Ferula roared, forcing the entire shrine to shake. Walls cracked and crumbled, and the angels were thrown around the room, all trying to regain their balance. Ferula willed for the doors to the assembly hall to shut themselves and never open again, ensuring none of her enemies could escape. The seraph on the raised platform was able to remain concentrated despite the deafening, blasting waves, and he chanted a holy spell that trapped Ferula in a shell on the ground. The shell was small and dense and grey with a pattern of emblems going across every inch of its surface. It rapidly flared up in a storm of fire and blaring heat, scorching the floor that it lied on.

“Burn, you demon!” he shouted, whilst focusing his energy on the shell.

The air around the shell twisted and contorted. Angels were beginning to gather around the shell in anticipation for a result; they had mostly recovered from the shattering shockwaves of Ferula’s roar. Abruptly, an enlarged claw sliced open the shell. It was glowing orange from the heat. Black mist escaped the slit in the shell and solidified directly in front of the seraph atop the platform, and Ferula struck her target, her arm punching a bloody hole through the his chest. His shredded heart, lungs, and bones fell close to the burning shell and quickly melted as he went limp, impaled on Ferula’s blood-covered arm. Several of the heavenly soldiers bravely jumped into the air to strike her, but her everflowing hair swiftly spread and knocked them back. Ferula snaked around the room, dodging projectiles and cutting down foes. A juggernaut wielding a massive sword managed to slice her cleanly in half, and the remaining angels in the room gasped at the victory. But Ferula’s divided and bleeding body faded into black mist and composed itself anew. She smirked at her opponents, who were now shaken with confusion and denial. Ferula’s dark and elegant form elevated as the shadowy mist oozing off her body stretched out farther, reducing the brilliant, golden light of the assembly hall to a diminutive glow. A devilish smile creeped around her great, peninsular fangs. She bolted up to the closest angel and before the feminine saint could react, Ferula stabbed her through the neck with one outstretched claw and brought down her arm, ripping apart the angel’s body. In the same moment, another angel attempted to blast Ferula with a poison spell, but as it came close, she instantly faded to black mist. The spell traveled across the room, colliding with the juggernaut, whose body exploded after a brief second in a shower of organs and red rain. She manifested behind the angel that threw the spell and bit into her neck, draining blood and depleting the strength immediately. Ferula’s silky, black hair wandered randomly about the room, and her adversaries grew terrified as they watched individual strands trip and decapitate fleeing angels.

“God, save us!” cried one angel, as he slammed his fists against the tightly shut doors. Abruptly, a claw lithely sliced out of his abdomen and ripped upwards inside his body past his head, splitting his body. Ferula giggled at the sight as she licked the blood off of her claw. She turned away from the doors to see the last of her foes had been dissected by her hair, and thus, Ferula began to feast upon the messy corpses that lay on the floor.

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-05 11:21:18


I'd say this is a huge improvement! This is one of those cases where more really is more. I got a much better feeling for the golden atmosphere, almost Deus Ex-like, shifting to crimson beautifully, with a mix of other colors that complimented
the mood thrown in for good measure.There's not a whole lot I can add; the work speaks for itself.

Response to My use of imagery any good in this? 2015-02-05 12:41:58


At 2/5/15 11:21 AM, LDAF wrote: I'd say this is a huge improvement! This is one of those cases where more really is more. I got a much better feeling for the golden atmosphere, almost Deus Ex-like, shifting to crimson beautifully, with a mix of other colors that complimented
the mood thrown in for good measure.There's not a whole lot I can add; the work speaks for itself.

thanks buddy :D