Cough Syrup?

[walterwagner]

“Cough syrup?”
“cough syrup.”

When I was young, kids would stay away from that shit, being sick was the worst thing. Panadol and Robitussin were always in the first aid kit. I could never stand feeling the sludge slowly slide down my throat and have the residue linger in my mouth for hours. I was perplexed when my drinking buddy told me about his niece that was getting fucked up on cough syrup. There is no eloquent way to say it. Beer gets you drunk, Marijuana gets you stoned, Amphetamines gets you amped and Cough syrup gets you fucked.

I could hear them over the phone yelling incoherent babble with the occasional burst of laughter. I was comfortably drunk and perfectly content sitting at the bar all night buying cheap drinks. The Speak Easy Bar always served whisky cheap. I zoned out for a bit staring at the stained, back wall splattered with old Hollywood celebrities from another time. My friend drew my attention with the clicking of his fingers.

“Dion, they need our help they’re really messed up.”
“Wh-what?”

I turned to him and allowed for my blurred vision to settle. I could make his face out, even in the dim lit environment, even with the emotional analgesic doing an exceptional job impairing my sight, a side effect I've taken kindly to embracing.

“Dion, we need to go get them.”
“Fu-fuck alright where are they,” I said in my stupor.
“Where are you guys!” he exclaimed into the phone.
“…”
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?”

The tension, fear and whisky made him aggressive. I figured it ought to calm him down, there aren’t any mortar shells falling his way. At this point he was heavily huffing anxiously awaiting a response. I felt like he was blowing this whole thing out of proportion. They just had a bit too much fun, that’s all. I, myself used to get fucked up, or the equivalent of using a plethora of substances- stimulants, depressants, psychedelics, and even delirants. There was a time when I legitimately thought I must be at least three percent cocaine. A trip to Vegas was nothing compared to what I was able to handle. It’s what kids do, it happens. As you age though you realize the potential dangers in drug use. Like being content with life or eating double your recommended caloric intake. You focus more on the repercussions of drug use like getting caught by the police. Eventually you conform with society views and end up drinking heavily like every other adult. That’s what I was now, an adult.

“there’s trees, wow beautiful multi-colored trees. Oh look a birdie, and butterfly’s and a REALLY big mouth”
I assumed the first three were a figment of their imaginations leaking into reality, but I took their word on the really big mouth.

“Du-dude they must be at Luna Park”
“No shit, that’s like half an hour away we best get going”
“Ugh, alright”

I smashed down the remainder of the drink; it went down smooth at first with a burn crawling up my throat. I knew the taste was going to loiter for a while. We headed to the car. I was slightly more upright than my friend, I mean he was crawling, but I was still technically in a better condition than he was. I've always been the designated drunk driver anyways. I put the keys into the car door. Success. Turned the lock and opened the door. My nimble drunk fingers prevail again. I got into the car, fasted my seat belt and turned the ignition. The car started grumbling softly. I reversed and headed towards the big mouth.

“Fucking, kids ruining my night,” I commented.
“Don’t worry, when we tell my brother about this we’ll ruin their week, ” replied Lachlan
“No shit!”

No shit. This is more than a simple rescue mission, similar to the one my friend had to undertake so he could get my drunk ass home. These kids have someone they report to. They can’t just drink a bottle of cough syrup and expect no repercussions like the adults can. Not that we would, drugs are irresponsible. A small burp that was lingering in my stomach finally detached itself and carried its way up my throat to my mouth. It filled the air with the smell of whiskey and stomach acid. I really didn’t want these kids to get in trouble. It’s a part of life, pretty much the only fun part of life.

I noticed the lights in the background, whizzing past and realized how fast I was actually going. The odometer didn’t really make much sense- all the numbers were blurred and compressed. I shifted my attention to the road to see Luna Park in the distance. Finally, I thought. We pull up and park under the lights.

“There they are!” I yelled.

I saw them. The two disheveled 16 year old girls stumbling around, looking into the distance. I thought to myself that they must be seeing wonderful things. I admit that there was a hint of envy. My friend and I ran out of the car and grabbed one by the arm.

“JESS GET IN THE CAR!”
“Yeah, ok.”

I guess cough syrup helps people lose their inhibition. I strap in their seatbelts and we begin to drive. Lachlan starts yelling at both of them. Going on a tangent how they’re in trouble and how her father was going to belt them. I zone out again beginning to think how unfair it was that these girls are getting securitized for doing something that people have literally been doing since their existence. I couldn’t let this happen. I spot a giant ‘M’ in the distance and head towards it. My friend is too focused on his own hypocrisy to notice. I order two lattes, drove up to the window and collected them. I parked in the lot and looked at the two girls.

“Lockie shut the fuck up”

That immediately draws his attention.

“Girls, what’s going to happen is you’re going to drink this, sober up and act normal when we drop you off at home. Lockie, you’re not going to say shit to their parents. Even if you try they’ll easily notice the alcohol on your breath.”

Lockie stayed silent, I was in control now.

“Got it?”
“Yep.”

Both girls said in perfect harmony. No more needed to be said I guess. The drive to their house was silent. The girls were busy drinking their lattes and Lockie was busy passing out. I guess his anger faded into exhaustion. As I pulled up Jess and her friend skulled the remainder of their drink and exited the car, she asks,

“Why did you do this, you didn’t have to?”
“I guess I’m a child at heart,” I say as I shut the door and drive away.

What think?

[Seasons]

I enjoyed reading this, though the ending was a bit confusing. Unless this is supposed to be a small part of a larger writing piece, I'd consider clarifying what exactly the "take-away" is supposed to be... I guess I'm confused as to what the girl meant when she said "you didn't have to do this." Perhaps I need to know more about her relationship with the narrator? Or maybe the three beers I've had are impairing my judgement more than expected.

Overall, not a bad little story. I've got some small comments below, but please take them with a grain of salt.

At 10/11/14 06:56 PM, walterwagner wrote: I turned to him and allowed for my blurred vision to settle. I could make his face out, even in the dim lit environment, even with the emotional analgesic doing an exceptional job impairing my sight, a side effect I've taken kindly to embracing.

Slightly awkward phrasing in the first line. Maybe something like this? "I turned to him. My vision was blurry, unfocused. I could make out his face, even in the dim..."

Just let me say that I only tend to nit-pick at stuff like this when I enjoy the overall content of what's been written. I enjoyed reading this, and don't have many recommendations or criticisms in terms of the story. That's why I'm focusing on the more minor stuff. Al

“Dion, we need to go get them.”
“Fu-fuck alright where are they,” I said in my stupor.
“Where are you guys!” he exclaimed into the phone.

Your dialogue isn't bad, but don't go overboard with the tags you add to it (e.g., he exclaimed into the phone). It can sound really awkward sometimes, although this particular example isn't all that bad. Just know that it's not always a bad thing to leave dialogue standing by itself; as long as the reader knows who is talking, it's not really necessary to add stuff like "I said in my stupor." Obviously this is just my opinion on dialogue, though. So take it as you will.

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?”

Nit-picky comment, but I really don't think the caps are necessary. Show us the shouting through your choice of words or the character's actions -- not by placing it in all caps.

The tension, fear and whisky made him aggressive.

I loved this line and the proceeding paragraph. Consider using this as the hook? I was a little bored before this point -- granted, i was interested enough to keep reading, but this is the part where I became genuinely interested. I also really like this line because it doesn't seem 'forced,' as if you weren't trying too hard to sound literary or use flowery language. It's simple and to the point, which is the type of writing I like best. This type of language makes me think of Vonnegut, one of my favorite authors.

I like the perspective you chose; it lets a lot of things remain unsaid yet heavily implied. It's easy to infer

I strap in their seatbelts and we begin to drive. Lachlan starts yelling at both of them. I order two lattes, drove up to the window and collected them. I parked in the lot and looked at the two girls.

Some tense changes here. Is this being told in present tense or past tense? Watch out for that.