Advice for maintaining friendship?

[SukiWukiDookie]

Anyone have advice for getting over someone you fell in love with but maintaining a friendship? It's something I'm trying to deal with right now. I know I've got to get my mind occupied somehow, but every night I just feel the same loneliness and missing the things we used to do, fall asleep together, etc.

I have a tendency to try erasing people from my life just to deal with it. I'm a very jealous person and it still hurts to think that they're with someone else. I also don't have many other people as close as them that I can talk to/use as a sort of replacement. That was my fault, because I tend to put a lot of energy and time into one special person.

[Voltage]

If someone has caused you drama, whether or not you think it's "good" or "bad" I don't think you should dwell and think about them. You should move on and if the friendship does not feel the same after all is said and done, you walk away. It's better than wonder what will happen now.

[Xenomit]

At 8/6/14 01:53 AM, Voltage wrote: I don't think you should dwell and think about them. You should move on and if the friendship does not feel the same after all is said and done, you walk away.

For some people that's physically impossible. Some people become so emotionally invested in someone, that they are absolutely certain that they're only alive for the sole purpose of being with that purpose, and even if they realize that they're becoming infatuated over these people, it still happens, and they still think that without that person they're an empty shell. And even if they know that the feeling is a false perception of an infatuated relationship, they still feel it.

What it leads to is someone who is genuinely more happy than other people when they find someone they truly love, but is absolutely crushed if and when the relationship with that person ends. I would absolutely know, I'm one of these obsessive lovers, and I've been through what the OP is feeling a ton of times. And if my current girlfriend ever left me, the girl who I've been wildly in love with and who's been my closest friend since the seventh grade, I don't think I could ever be truly happy again. It's a tricky minefield I'm navigating, the thrill is high and I can't love it more, but if something goes wrong I'll cease to be a person.

[SukiWukiDookie]

At 8/6/14 01:53 AM, Voltage wrote: If someone has caused you drama, whether or not you think it's "good" or "bad" I don't think you should dwell and think about them. You should move on and if the friendship does not feel the same after all is said and done, you walk away. It's better than wonder what will happen now.

A part of me feels like walking away, but another part just feels like that would be an asshole move. I just don't know. They say they think about me, and miss me. But they just forget or don't have time to talk to me. It hurts, because I know I'm not actually there, it's long distance. But I'm still a person. I'm still real, and there has been a real connection between us. I feel like I need to at least try and make it work. I still care about them and I want to be there if they need me..

[SukiWukiDookie]

At 8/6/14 02:10 AM, Xenomit wrote:

At 8/6/14 01:53 AM, Voltage wrote: I don't think you should dwell and think about them. You should move on and if the friendship does not feel the same after all is said and done, you walk away.

For some people that's physically impossible. Some people become so emotionally invested in someone, that they are absolutely certain that they're only alive for the sole purpose of being with that purpose, and even if they realize that they're becoming infatuated over these people, it still happens, and they still think that without that person they're an empty shell. And even if they know that the feeling is a false perception of an infatuated relationship, they still feel it.

What it leads to is someone who is genuinely more happy than other people when they find someone they truly love, but is absolutely crushed if and when the relationship with that person ends. I would absolutely know, I'm one of these obsessive lovers, and I've been through what the OP is feeling a ton of times. And if my current girlfriend ever left me, the girl who I've been wildly in love with and who's been my closest friend since the seventh grade, I don't think I could ever be truly happy again. It's a tricky minefield I'm navigating, the thrill is high and I can't love it more, but if something goes wrong I'll cease to be a person.

I'm glad you can relate, Xeno.. I really feel like I'm losing my best friend and they don't feel the same hurt as I do. I hate being obsessive. It's just miserable. I wish I could just have "back-up" best friends to fall back on.. but I don't. And I know how long it took to find her. I want them to miss me like I miss them.. but they don't. They move on and I'm still here. Still whining. And it affects my mind to the point where I have trouble making new friends and focusing on friendships I already have. Because I just go back to thoughts of her. Ugh.

[Voltage]

At 8/6/14 02:11 AM, SukiWukiDookie wrote: It hurts, because I know I'm not actually there, it's long distance. But I'm still a person.

First: Xenomit's post, re-read it, is surprisingly authentically true (and I am still flabbergasted how Xenomit actually has a girlfriend)

Second: Sometimes it's hard to understand you become more or less a victim, sometimes if they're not close to you... that means they know it won't work.

Long distance sucks man, I'm sorry. If it just doesn't work where the two (both of you as ONE) want to be there then guess what? It just doesn't work! She fills in the blank with this filler guy and sometimes it works with them, sometimes they drop them and keep up this routine as a form of defense to find a guy. And it's someone that fills in all the blanks.

[Voltage]

And I've been in shoes in both "short" and "long" distance relationships, the "long" distance relationships gradually made me come to this understanding that people do that to 'find' people for SOMETHING - whether it's to con you, whether it's to be the "filler guy" that I mentioned, maybe they actually like you - but it boils to DO they want you for who you are? WILL they be there for you like you're there for them?

That's a "relationship." A friendship just doesn't involve that drama. And if you are so disheartened by the drama it's just not much of a friendship. I know it's like you wasted a good friendship or something in the making but that's life, people are your lovers, your enemies, your family, your friends, your rivals - they're all someone in the picture, don't paint it so black and white. You have to distract yourself if the obsessive attitude isn't working for either of you because it's not bringing your friend back and it's not helping you get ahead, and THEY'RE not helping you get ahead.

Now what does that make them? I mean it, seriously think about that. If they're not helping you get ahead after basically emotionally draining you, what was it all for?

[Xenomit]

At 8/6/14 02:28 AM, SukiWukiDookie wrote: I'm glad you can relate, Xeno.. I really feel like I'm losing my best friend and they don't feel the same hurt as I do. I hate being obsessive. It's just miserable. I wish I could just have "back-up" best friends to fall back on.. but I don't. And I know how long it took to find her. I want them to miss me like I miss them.. but they don't. They move on and I'm still here. Still whining. And it affects my mind to the point where I have trouble making new friends and focusing on friendships I already have. Because I just go back to thoughts of her. Ugh.

I said I've been through it a ton of times, but I unknowingly lied, it's felt like a ton of times. I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life, including the one I'm in now, and my personality has always been the exact same; start out with a mild crush that quickly turns into an unhealthy obsession with the person in question. And just to be clear, I don't mean obsession in the sense that I stalked them etc., I mean obsession in the sense that I started to feel like I was alive purely to be with them, and that being with them was the only reason to live. And while I know I was wrong then, and while I know that I'm wrong about feeling that way with my current girlfriend, it still pervades throughout my body, and both thrills and haunts me.

I'm the type of person that once I fall in love with someone, I genuinely believe that I'll never be with anyone else. I know it's not true, because I'm in my third relationship, but I still felt it then and I still feel it now, it's an overwhelming feeling that I can't control. I'm not entirely sure how I got over my last two girlfriends, I guess time really does heal all wounds. The things that you're feeling won't go away until you truly fall in love again. I'm sorry to say it, but you're still going to constantly think of her. Every single thing you do, see and say is going to remind you of her, and if you're like me, nothing can change that. No amount of distraction, no amount of willpower is going to keep you from thinking about her. One thing that I found helps me is every time you're reminded of her, try to only think about happy times with her. For example, my last girlfriend. After she left me, I got suicidally depressed, and had to suppress it for the sake of my social life, it took a toll on my mental health. I found that while I'm not able to not think about her, I can choose what I think about her, and if I only think about happy times we had together, it minimizes the sadness I feel.

I don't know if it will help you, but it definitely helped me. Every time you see or hear something that reminds you of her, rather than trying to suppress the thought just try only remembering the good things about your past together as opposed to other things like her future without you. The most painful thing about remembering a girl who left you is thinking about your future without her, so try to avoid that.

[NeonSpider]

At 8/6/14 02:10 AM, Xenomit wrote: It's a tricky minefield I'm navigating, the thrill is high and I can't love it more, but if something goes wrong I'll cease to be a person.

Please tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means. I mean I hope you keep your relationship but please tell me you're not a suicidal type in the event if things didn't work out. Please tell me it's just unfortunate wording.

[Voltage]

At 8/6/14 02:44 AM, Xenomit wrote: The most painful thing about remembering a girl who left you is thinking about your future without her, so try to avoid that.

hahaha. actually sometimes for the Lady Killer crowd here at newgrounds it's kind of amusing.

[SukiWukiDookie]

At 8/6/14 02:32 AM, Voltage wrote:

At 8/6/14 02:11 AM, SukiWukiDookie wrote: It hurts, because I know I'm not actually there, it's long distance. But I'm still a person.

First: Xenomit's post, re-read it, is surprisingly authentically true (and I am still flabbergasted how Xenomit actually has a girlfriend)

Second: Sometimes it's hard to understand you become more or less a victim, sometimes if they're not close to you... that means they know it won't work.

Long distance sucks man, I'm sorry. If it just doesn't work where the two (both of you as ONE) want to be there then guess what? It just doesn't work! She fills in the blank with this filler guy and sometimes it works with them, sometimes they drop them and keep up this routine as a form of defense to find a guy. And it's someone that fills in all the blanks.

First video, I've been with her in person and have a pretty good sense for not getting fooled by people online early on. Still funny though.
Second video, I seem to be more in the woman's shoes than the man's. It's just how I am. A pussy, I know. She's the one that needs to have something physical. I'm the one that likes to use my imagination.

The thing is, she never really wanted to officially date me. It's all been my fault. I know it has. I'm the one who pursued her. I'm the one who wanted to get closer. I have only myself to blame. But that doesn't mean she hasn't led me on without knowing it. I've definitely felt like a filler guy. I thought I could continue being that guy, but I'm too jealous and too obsessive once I'm in love. Now I just don't know how to go back to having a friendship like we used to. I don't believe it's the end of the world and I do have hope of finding someone else.. but I also have a nagging urge to hold on to this, and one day be with her physically, because she's told me she would be with me in a heartbeat.. and that really stimulates the addictive quality of my personality. When I was with her, it was for the week of Halloween. And I had such an amazing time, I love where she lives. We fooled around and all the jazz. And it just makes me wish I shouldn't have.. but I know that people come into our lives for a reason. She brought me happiness, but also pain with things she didn't do that I felt a good friend should do.. I'm just all kinds of fucked lately and this cheesy heartbreak doesn't help. But both your posts are making me think, so I thank you for that.. Maybe I should just have a blatant talk with her discusses whether or not it's useful that we're still in contact.

[Xenomit]

At 8/6/14 02:45 AM, NeonSpider wrote: Please tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means. I mean I hope you keep your relationship but please tell me you're not a suicidal type in the event if things didn't work out. Please tell me it's just unfortunate wording.

My primal evolutionary desire to survive under any circumstance prevents me from ever seriously considering suicide. It was unfortunate wording, although I put it the way I did for a reason.

The minefield is the world of relationships, as one could imagine navigating a minefield on foot would be an unbelievable thrill unlike any other, and with me and the way I am the world of relationships might as well be a minefield. One mistake could either be entering a relationship with a girl who would end up leaving you or making an actual mistake in a relationship causing your partner to leave you, and me ceasing to be a person is the aftermath of the girl I've loved for most of my life leaving me, in which I would be completely devoid of a real personality (which makes a human a person) for months and months, and emotionally devastated for years. I'd be messed up for life.

I really, really, really hate that part of myself. It makes me an incredibly generous and loyal lover, but if the girl I'm with doesn't appreciate it and leaves me I'm left destroyed. It's like I give her my heart and soul, and if she leaves me, she takes it with her, and I'm left as a shell. I've recovered from it every time it's happened so far, but it's still the worst thing you can possibly feel for at least a couple months, possibly longer.

[SukiWukiDookie]

At 8/6/14 02:44 AM, Xenomit wrote: I don't know if it will help you, but it definitely helped me. Every time you see or hear something that reminds you of her, rather than trying to suppress the thought just try only remembering the good things about your past together as opposed to other things like her future without you. The most painful thing about remembering a girl who left you is thinking about your future without her, so try to avoid that.

Yeah, I do both.. I love thinking about the good things we shared. But I also go back to "Why can't we still do this?!" or "Why does she have to be this way?!".

I've had only one past relationship where I felt this shitty afterwards. I ended up deleting her and ignoring her calls and just being an ass to her our of sheer immature heartache. Like that little Ladykiller post, Lol. But this has been special.. we've bonded over art, and that's just so fucking intimate.. She likes my art, I like her art. I've drawn so many things for her, and it's cheered her up. And I love that. I love making people happy. From art, to personal beliefs, to humor.. it just kills me that she's enjoying someone else's company. It fucking kills me. But I respect her decision and I'm not one to hold someone back for selfish reasons. It's all just unfair in my opinion, but I know that whining about it doesn't solve anything.. I just have to get these emotions out.

[Voltage]

At 8/6/14 03:01 AM, Xenomit wrote: I've recovered from it every time it's happened so far, but it's still the worst thing you can possibly feel for at least a couple months, possibly longer.

I'd say the worst depression of my life did not even come from my family passing away, it was almost all that coupled with the feeling of being a shell. And sometimes I think you know, she can have all the tears and all the pain and all the laughter, she can take it all away. But the fact remains that I remain unchanged, and my, my, my dear. She has changed. Ooooh, how you changed.

(Sublime and marijuana will usually get you out of a rut, my sound, TL;DR advice to you SWD)

[SukiWukiDookie]

At 8/6/14 03:09 AM, Voltage wrote:

At 8/6/14 03:01 AM, Xenomit wrote: I've recovered from it every time it's happened so far, but it's still the worst thing you can possibly feel for at least a couple months, possibly longer.

I'd say the worst depression of my life did not even come from my family passing away, it was almost all that coupled with the feeling of being a shell. And sometimes I think you know, she can have all the tears and all the pain and all the laughter, she can take it all away. But the fact remains that I remain unchanged, and my, my, my dear. She has changed. Ooooh, how you changed.

(Sublime and marijuana will usually get you out of a rut, my sound, TL;DR advice to you SWD)

I definitely wish I had weed more often.. I also need to hang out with friends more. I don't usually smoke unless it's with friends, I don't buy my own. I've been drinking more than usual lately, and I don't really enjoy alcohol, but it's gotten to that point of needing to escape through booze. Needing to feel like you're a new person, with confidence.