I crapped my pants

[Lagerkapo]

Seriously, I shit my fucking pants today.

And not just a little "oops, I sharted a bit" affair.

PROLOGUE:

I was at a party last night. Drank a fair amount, but not a whole lot. A few sips of whiskey, a few shots of vodka (Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey and Burnett's strawberry banana, respectively). Enough to get a bit tipsy, not enough to be wasted or shitfucked drunk. Was totally having a great series of extended conversations with a beautiful young woman who was way into the same music as me. Another dude moves in, she clings on to him, I say "meh, whatever." She ends up hooking up with a third guy when me and aforementioned dude go to his room to look at crystals. We neither of us scored...

But that's straying from the topic.

MAIN BODY:

Woke up this morning after a few fitful hours of "I guess you could call it" sleep. Hung out, chatted, left to go catch the bus.

Now here's where I made my first mistake; I had a Taco Bell burrito.

I couldn't even finish it, it was making me feel so bad.

So I go to catch my bus, everything's going fine, then halfway through the 30 minute trip I start prairie dogging it HARDCORE. I'm drumming my legs, panting, sucking air through my teeth, pushing my buttcheeks together and sitting on them, everything I can do.

I get to the park and ride where I get off. There's a cookie shop right there I use when I can't not use a bathroom and I'm in transit (I'm in transit every day). I am running, shit just barely staying in until, alas, I could hold it no more and 100 feet from the shop a fair amount of shit just goes BLURBLESPLOOGE out of my ass and into my pants. It was a moderate consistency, having form but not chunkiness.

Enough came out in the initial explosion that I had left a trail of human feces behind me as I walked. I continued on towards the cookie shop, hoping to clean up and minimize damages.

The fucking cookie shop was closed, there was not another bus to get me closer to home because it is Sunday, and my home is a 30 minute walk from the place. I still had to shit as bad as ever, and I had already ruined my pants, underwear and socks, so I did what any reasonable man would do;

I squatted near a ledge and finished. It was a massive shit, I tell you. I had to have shat out 1.5 pounds into my god damned pants. Some girl walked by and gave me a funny look.

So, all shat out, I walked home, cold and soaked in poo. Once I was done being mad I laughed. And now you can laugh with me.

EPILOGUE:

We all shit our pants sometimes. It's a part of life. When and if it happens, all we can do is laugh about it and try not to get it in our shoes. I think it's analogous to life as a whole...

[MrWade]

You need diapers?

[Sword-of-Kings]

pics or it didnt happen

[DeftonesFan665]

Are you sure it was because of the burrito?

[kazumazkan]

I think you need some depends

[Lagerkapo]

You know, once you get over the initial shock of having shit all over you it's not so bad. It just smells. And gets a bit crusty.

At 3/2/14 11:01 PM, DeftonesFan665 wrote: Are you sure it was because of the burrito?

It was absolutely the catalyst.

I felt it fucking me over halfway through eating it.

[Rahmemhotep]

Lol

Nuh uh

[DeftonesFan665]

At 3/2/14 11:39 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: You know, once you get over the initial shock of having shit all over you it's not so bad. It just smells. And gets a bit crusty.

At 3/2/14 11:01 PM, DeftonesFan665 wrote: Are you sure it was because of the burrito?

It was absolutely the catalyst.

I felt it fucking me over halfway through eating it.

That kind of food isn't the best to eat after a night of drinking. I've had Taco Bell after a night of drinking before too and sometimes you don't feel too well afterwards.

[Piggler]

I got a good laugh out of your story.

The mental imagery of someone walking down the street as fecal nuggets tumble out of their pant legs was just too much for me.

[Lagerkapo]

At 3/3/14 12:01 AM, DeftonesFan665 wrote: That kind of food isn't the best to eat after a night of drinking. I've had Taco Bell after a night of drinking before too and sometimes you don't feel too well afterwards.

It was quick, easy and cheap, and I was in a hurry. I was more hungry than anything, the amount of alcohol I had consumed was not nearly enough to deeply unsettle my stomach, but certainly had to have factored in.

At 3/3/14 12:02 AM, Piggler wrote: I got a good laugh out of your story.

The mental imagery of someone walking down the street as fecal nuggets tumble out of their pant legs was just too much for me.

Oh, imagine BEING the guy with shit falling out of his pants. I called my friend shortly thereafter as I was walking home, and she and I had a great laugh about it.

I really found it funny as hell.

There comes a point where the worst has already happened and all you can do is release your bowels with impunity and cackle with glory.

[NeonSpider]

This is a game for you.

• 
  Don't Shit Your Pants by CellarDoorGames

  A survival horror game.

  Score

  4.30 / 5.00

  Type

  Game

  Popularity

  850,553 Views

  Rated

  Ages 17+

[ManDeep]

That was a good read.

[CiviLies]

At 3/2/14 10:52 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: We all shit our pants sometimes. It's a part of life. When and if it happens, all we can do is laugh about it and try not to get it in our shoes. I think it's analogous to life as a whole...

Fucking best ending to anything I've ever read (seriously). Well done for walking away from this situation like a true champ.

[Madjasper1]

Cool, cool, glad to know, have you considered making it into a film?

yes I realize I didn't have to read this post.

[Captain-Slugworth]

how did it feel?

[Splats]

At 3/2/14 10:52 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: EPILOGUE:
We all shit our pants sometimes. It's a part of life. When and if it happens, all we can do is laugh about it and try not to get it in our shoes. I think it's analogous to life as a whole...

.

[Lagerkapo]

At 3/3/14 06:55 AM, CiviLies wrote:

At 3/2/14 10:52 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: We all shit our pants sometimes. It's a part of life. When and if it happens, all we can do is laugh about it and try not to get it in our shoes. I think it's analogous to life as a whole...

Fucking best ending to anything I've ever read (seriously). Well done for walking away from this situation like a true champ.

Why, thank you! I thought it needed an epilogue. I really was thinking this as I was chillin in the middle of a very public place taking a shit all over myself.

At 3/3/14 01:51 PM, Splats wrote: .

I feel your username is appropriate for this thread.

[CreateAndDestroy]

Hahaha too funny!

[wildfire4461]

Time for the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q1G76_ysNo

[Brindle]

At 3/2/14 10:52 PM, Lagerkapo wrote: Seriously, I shit my fucking pants today.

That sounds, shitty.

HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

In all seriousness, this sounds like a horrible thing to happen to anyone. But you took it like a champ and had a good laugh and even posted about it! Good on ya!