Intro for my short story (maybe)

[Fallingoutvegas]

I was really bored in Computers today so I typed something random up and now I'm thinking of making it into a short story or something. If you have any ideas or comments don't hesitate.

Terror, that’s what I felt. Darkness, my friend, what used to be feared is now a blanket of embrace I wear. Light, now my enemy, a great advantage now turned against me. A deadly predator searching for the prey it had lost, swift but loud clanging after me. Sweat dripped from my face, breath shallow, the predator so near yet so far. My hiding place was smart, its stench masked my smell, its location in a spot obvious yet unknown. A loud crash echoed from the far end of the corridor, the clanging of the predator faint now as it searched the ship further for me. I relaxed a little and closed my eyes; rest would come in handy for later.

[BraveShaolin]

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: I was really bored in Computers today so I typed something random up and now I'm thinking of making it into a short story or something. If you have any ideas or comments don't hesitate.

Terror, that’s what I felt. Darkness, my friend, what used to be feared is now a blanket of embrace I wear. Light, now my enemy, a great advantage now turned against me. A deadly predator searching for the prey it had lost, swift but loud clanging after me. Sweat dripped from my face, breath shallow, the predator so near yet so far. My hiding place was smart, its stench masked my smell, its location in a spot obvious yet unknown. A loud crash echoed from the far end of the corridor, the clanging of the predator faint now as it searched the ship further for me. I relaxed a little and closed my eyes; rest would come in handy for later.

Well, it seems okay to me. Nothing wrong there, and your writing is somewhat pleasing. You should keep writing and show us where this may lead, as probabilities are endless.
It's fine as the beginning of an introduction. Now you should try to understand where this will lead, if you haven't already. Keep up the good work.

[Diki]

Overall this isn't bad, but a few things jumped out at me. I also want to stress that I am being, for the most part, rather picky here since I don't have much to go on, and, like I said, it's not awful.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: Terror, that’s what I felt.

The wording of this distances the reader from what the narrator is feeling. Wording it as just "I felt terror" would give it more punch.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: Darkness, my friend, what used to be feared is now a blanket of embrace I wear.

When I read this it seemed like the narrator was speaking to the darkness, and calling it his friend. This is also very cliché and immediately makes me think of Simon and Garfunkel's Sound of Silence. Having the narrator no longer fear the dark is fine, but him treating it as a friend is what I find banal. Though that makes me wonder why he feared the dark to begin with.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: A deadly predator

A predator is, by definition, deadly, so you don't need that adjective.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: swift but loud clanging after me.

The clanging being swift wouldn't preclude it being loud, so the use of "but" doesn't really make sense. I would change that to "and".

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: breath shallow

This should either be "breathing shallow" or "my breath shallow". Right now you have a noun followed immediately by an adjective, which doesn't make sense (it can make sense, but not here). It reads the way Tarzan speaks.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: My hiding place was smart, its stench masked my smell

You can remove "My hiding place was smart" from that sentence since it's telling. Fortunately right afterward you show us that it was smart, but the telling is unnecessary. Although now I'm asking myself why the place he's hiding smells bad, and why that alone will keep him hidden. Is the thing chasing him visually impaired such that the narrator need only hide his scent? If that is explained later, that's perfectly fine, just don't keep it a mystery for too long.

And why is the stench not bothering the narrator?

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: its location in a spot obvious yet unknown

What is this dichotomy supposed to mean?

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: the clanging of the predator

I would either get rid of "clanging" or find a synonym. You used the same word just two sentences prior. And speaking of synonyms:

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: predator [...] predator [...] predator

In almost three sentences in a row you used the word "predator". You really need to find a synonym. Call it a beast, monster, hunter, or whatever. Repeating words is fine so long as there is sufficient distance between them (say, for a example, a full paragraph), but these are just too close together.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: the ship

What ship? You shouldn't drop a definite noun phrase out of nowhere like that. Plus, up until here, I was picturing the narrator hiding in, or near, a dumpster in an alley. I would make it clear, in the beginning, that the narrator is on a ship.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: I relaxed a little and closed my eyes; rest would come in handy for later.

This sentence starts out solid, but the semi-colon, and the words following, ruin it. It would have more impact if you used a full stop, and reworded it slightly: "I relaxed and closed my eyes. I would need the rest for later."

And now to point out the good:

Your grammar is solid, and so is your use of punctuation. You're also keeping it simple, which is very good, and are not trying to fluff up your prose with fancy words. There is no purple prose or any of that junk, so, stylistically, you're doing fine.

[PhantomX10]

At 12/4/13 04:20 PM, Diki wrote: Overall this isn't bad, but a few things jumped out at me. I also want to stress that I am being, for the most part, rather picky here since I don't have much to go on, and, like I said, it's not awful.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: Terror, that’s what I felt.

The wording of this distances the reader from what the narrator is feeling. Wording it as just "I felt terror" would give it more punch.

True, but I think the author was going for something a bit more poetic.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: A deadly predator

A predator is, by definition, deadly, so you don't need that adjective.

The adjective is probably used to signify that the predator is especially deadly. Just as if I said a Ferrari is "a fast car". All normal cars are relatively fast, but "fast" would be used to point out that a Ferrari is unusually fast.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: My hiding place was smart, its stench masked my smell

And why is the stench not bothering the narrator?

That's probably a way to show that the narrator is in such fear that the smell is ignored, or that it is endured in order to escape the predator.

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: its location in a spot obvious yet unknown

What is this dichotomy supposed to mean?

Probably a rewording the phrase "hiding in plain sight".

At 12/3/13 05:46 PM, Fallingoutvegas wrote: I relaxed a little and closed my eyes; rest would come in handy for later.

This sentence starts out solid, but the semi-colon, and the words following, ruin it. It would have more impact if you used a full stop, and reworded it slightly: "I relaxed and closed my eyes. I would need the rest for later."

But the semicolon, I think, is used to indicate and emphasize the connection between the two thoughts.