Looking for a Critique

[elreybon]

Hi,

I'm new to Newgrounds and am trying to be a productive part of the community. I have been reading and offering critiques in the writing forums and hope I have been helpful. But, I realized that offering critiques without offering up any of my own writing for critical review is somewhat hypocritical so I am changing that right now. Below is a short story I have written, please read and critique. (Oh and I hope you enjoy it as well).

<center>Consider Revising
by Lawrence Raybon</center>

I sit here alone in the middle of the night typing. Trying to start a story or poem. Just my computer and me and a handful of words in my head. Always helpful my computer uses its bright red and green to help me along or give its opinion. Red means stop, you don't know your words, you've made something up or used the wrong letters. Green means you lack a grasp of sentence structure you've forgotten a noun, verb or you've rambled on much to long. Helpful or annoying, red and green; it's up to you to decide.
I look up and see the red under my name. Half in jest I ask if the computer thinks I don't exist. I right click and look for suggestions but there are none, for now I'll ignore the stain on the story. Then thinking, I type a small sentence.
I exist.
And underneath a green line soon appears, but, that isn't right, in writing, that sentence is correct. Subject and verb is all that you need, no reason for the green to be there. Backspacing eight times soon erases the grass green smudge. Then thinking, I try again.
I exist.
Not only the green but, this time red too. Bright green under all and blood red under ‘I’. What does this mean? I ponder in silence. ‘I’ with red under, but ‘I’ is a word, a one letter word, not misspelled or mistaken. ‘I’ is ‘I’ is ‘I’, impossible to explain, but it is used every day. The ultimate expression of self and self-awareness. Right clicking the ‘I’ all it says is no suggestions, then right clicking the green it has a single simple sentence in response.
Consider Revising.
What does it mean? How can I rephrase such a simple statement in order that my program would agree that my existence is not in question? Sitting and thinking, thinking and sitting, I come to a conclusion. Why should I worry? It's only a computer after all; everything it knows; it knows because someone told it, so I decided to fix the first mistake I noticed. I right clicked my name and added it to the mythic dictionary so that I might indeed exist. It seemed to accept, everything seemed to go well, and then without warning my name disappeared. Again I typed it, there at the top, as always, and again it vanished upon completion.
I open a new document to get a new start, to see if the glitch could be bypassed. Deciding to forgo the usual name at the top, I contemplate my next words with extreme care. Something simple, something easy, something irrefutable is needed. No fancy words to misspell, no complicated structure to confuse, something straight forward on which all can agree. In a flash of brilliance I found the perfect words.
I am.
Simple and sweet and irrefutable, if I could type the words then the truth should be self-evident, and yet all I saw was kelly green with a splash of scarlet. Pain at the sight gives way to ranting and fuming and stomping. What kind of trick or joke or what?!? Why was this happening? What did it mean? Could it be true and I am nothing but a thought or dream? Some other presence made me up? I right click the words and again
Consider Revising.
Computers are smart, supposed to be smarter than people. Maybe it saw something that was before unseen. If the sentence proves incorrect then what can one think? Five backspaces and the colorful stains were gone, just a blank white slate, an inviting open palette waiting for artistic words. What would be right? Sweet and simple brought red and green, it was time for a different approach. Maybe the previous only insulted its intellect. But what could one do with such a problem? Thoughts of existence never came up before, and then an old adage came into mind and before second thoughts could arise the keys were pressed and the words appeared
I think, therefore I am!
The exclamation point may have been too much, but excitement overcame reason and there the punctuation was. Surely the computer in its infinite wisdom would agree with a statement that geniuses thought true! Pride at the wit and wisdom had no time to swell, because there were the enemies, those snakes red and green, saying and showing the sentence to be incorrect, false, mistaken and hollow; a delusion, a fake, dishonest, and untrue. And right clicking only brought the same frightful idiom.
Consider Revising.
Again and again and again one was bombarded. No longer enraged, but despairing at heart. Nothing is left, when one's self is taken. No life to live with no self to experience it; no worth to have with no self to hold it; no confidence to possess with no self to own it; no heart to take with no self to feel it. To thine own self be true, without self, loses all meaning. And then with a breath; a sigh; a sickly slight smile the mouse approached the words and the pigmented squiggles; one thing more and the nightmare would end. Right clicking, again brought up the same horrid response.
Consider Revising.
This time, by bypassing those horrible words, the pointer came to another option. Auto-correct, the computer would set the world right once again. All things would be as they should, and there would be no more Christmas hues to annoy. Auto-correct, the implications were profound, not only did the computer know more about everything, but if one would just let it, it could fix everything with no more than a simple click. No longer thinking, no longer caring, no longer angry, no longer despairing, one more click, left mouse button and then...

[Maltos]

At 10/27/13 03:44 PM, elreybon wrote: Hi,

I'm new to Newgrounds and am trying to be a productive part of the community. I have been reading and offering critiques in the writing forums and hope I have been helpful. But, I realized that offering critiques without offering up any of my own writing for critical review is somewhat hypocritical so I am changing that right now. Below is a short story I have written, please read and critique. (Oh and I hope you enjoy it as well).

Honestly when I started reading I thought here we go another bad chunk of crap that im about to endure one that I would say afterwards I'll never get those 3 min back. It was when I continued and it said I exist, I was hooked. I love stories that play tricks with your mind and this was one of them. A good story is one that your average reader can understand the authors meaning behind every word and its good to see talented writers so I'll say to you Well done

[elreybon]

Thanks!

I'm fairly new to NG but I love to write.

If you like my writing style I have some other stuff you can look at:
I have a short script that's a spoof of those cryptozoological shows:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1352970
Here is a short poem:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1352711
My entry into the halloween writing contest:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1351719#bbspost24849157_post_text
As well as a couple of short poems in my news posts:
http://elreybon.newgrounds.com/news/

No pressure or anything, I just know when I come across a writer I like I hunt down their other stuff on NG to see what else they've done. This will make it easier for you (or anyone) who's interested in my work. If I can build interest I'll start posting regularly in my newsfeed. As of now, I think you may be the first person to reply to any of my writing!

[Kylpault]

I'm a script person myself. I never really format them correctly or anything but I find the style of writing suits me. As for you, you did just fine in that script. Humor was pretty strong and you usually didn't reuse jokes or such (for instance, third paige big eyes thing instead of going to paige goes to moss for a one liner) though during the last third or so the sensor jokes got old fast. But I LOL'd at several points, and the script felt quality. Real quality.

If you want a more in-depth review I can do it, but I've been reading and reviewing for some time now and I'm a little mind dead in whatever part of the brain makes reviews. Maybe more later.

Welcome to the writing forums!

[elreybon]

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the script and would love an in depth review when you get the chance. I'm hoping to turn this into a webseries (either a puppet show or animation). The censor jokes do repeat some, but I felt like the show was strong enough that I could get away with it in the first episode. They set up Moss using creative curses throughout the rest of the episodes to get around the censor. I wanted it to be clear that he doesn't use silly curses because he wants to but because he was forced to.

Also, out of curiosity, what was your favorite joke?

[Maltos]

At 11/6/13 12:25 AM, elreybon wrote: Thanks!

I'm fairly new to NG but I love to write.

If you like my writing style I have some other stuff you can look at:
I have a short script that's a spoof of those cryptozoological shows:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1352970
Here is a short poem:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1352711
My entry into the halloween writing contest:
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1351719#bbspost24849157_post_text
As well as a couple of short poems in my news posts:
http://elreybon.newgrounds.com/news/

Lyrics are what I am all about and Fade (a poem) but add a tune and you've got a song. I did like Fade, as for the driving poem it is something that we can all relate to however not my cup of tea. I couldn't get the spoof up though I did get the Halloween sub and I read it expecting to see a subtle hint of head games and I saw a little bit of that, it did feel a bit rushed like I didn't know enough about the phantom. Would have been cool if when he awoke he found himself in one of those ( I'm going to get chopped up and possible eaten) sort of situations. All in all not bad, I hope to read more from you

[elreybon]

I just submitted a story to the audio portal (in audio book form) if anyone is interested in more of my work.

http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/556992?updated=1