Poet seeking Help!

[greatwh1teshark]

So this Sunday, I am expected to get up onto a stage and read an original Poem, which I have never done before, never reading a Poem live in front of 100+ people, all I have ever done is upload them, never having to see the faces of the people I am reading too, so I am previewing my Poem here, so I can get slaughtered here first and have the time to better it before I have to preform it.

Originally I had a week to do it, I wrote it in five minutes and now only have 4 days before my performance. The Poem was written for a Sea festival, in honor of loving the Sea, so my Poem is basically a soft love Poem for the Sea and I was told to keep it short (10 lines), so I can't help but wonder if I have enough content, so without further ado, here it is, give me your honest opinions:

An Ode a Azure:

"Crashing upon our sandy shores,
your every wave so void of flaws.
Your endless beauty knows no bounds,
your silent realms knows not of sounds.
Your deep blue runs forever true,
life is not the same without you.
You are our present and our past,
when we are gone you shall still last.
For all of time you are our friend,
surviving us until the end."

[Nintendoobsessed]

It's cool- although you should keep in mind that most modern poetry avoids rhyme schemes. The event you're reading at probably isn't too formal, though.

[DeftAndEvil]

At 10/23/13 01:42 PM, greatwh1teshark wrote:

:: An Ode a Azure:
I was thinking an ode would be suitable for the occasion. The odes any one cares about are those of Keats (because they are the best ones). His most famous odes have an ABABCDECDE structure where the ABAB gives a traditional formal feeling, and the CDECDE gives a freer romantic feeling (look up “ode” on Wikipedia, which is a decent source for poetic info).
I see that the poem is pretty much in iambic tetrameter. That's cool, except some words don't follow the scheme, which will make it sound clumsy if you fall into rhythm when you read it aloud (daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUH, daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUH). For example “crashing” is pronounced “CRASHing,” not “crashING.” So, when I read this aloud, it went like this: “CRASHing upon our sandy SHORES.” You can see how the rhythm is already messed up because the first word is not iambic, but the rest of the lines are.
For whatever reason, prosody gets a bad rap in poetry (maybe because it's hard as shit?). But, meter and rhythm are important, so I do suggest sticking to iambic tetrameter the entire time (each line has 8 syllables), although I also suggest the ABABCDECDE rhyme scheme since some people think a strict AABB rhyme scheme gives a poem a “Dr. Seuss” vibe. I bet most people who do a free verse poem don't know anything about poetry, and I also bet the “Keatsian” structure will impress the English teachers.
That's stuff to think about. Without further ado:

“Crashing upon our sandy shores,
your every wave so void of flaws.

In poetry, every last word and every last syllable matters (I'd say the same is true for prose, but whatever). The word “crashing” is a strong word, and I like it. Also, assonance and consonance (craSHing ... upoN ... SaNdy ... SHoreS) give it a good momentum. But like I said, it doesn't fit into the meter. So, you're gonna have to move the word. “Upon our sandy shores you crash” sounds pretty sweet, and also, the line ends with a verb, giving the rhythm a good “punch” at the end.
In the second line, the adverb “so” is odd here. “So void” just doesn't seem like a phrase anyone would say. I think “devoid” works just the same but it makes sense. (Side note, if you are not turning this poem in, try writing “every” as “ev'ry” so you remember to say it as 2 syllables and not as “evuhRY.” This will seem pedantic to some, but it will help you when you read it.) Also, I think if you end each of the first two couplets with a strong word, in conjunction with the meter, it will give the beginning of the poem a good rolling and crashing rhythm. This is just me, though.

Your endless beauty knows no bounds,

“Endless beauty” is a cliche. Also, the phrase “knows no bounds” is also a bit derivative in its pairing with the previous cliche. So, I’d rewrite this entire line.

your silent realms knows not of sounds.

Realms is plural, so it should be “know.” I’m not sure what the abysmal zones of the oceans have to do with this poem. This is about the beauty of the ocean. Also, meaning always takes precedence over rhyme (I get it, “sounds” rhymes). I’d rework this couplet.

Your deep blue runs forever true,

Again, you fall out of meter here, whereas in the previous lines you stayed with it. (When I read this I emphasized “YOUR,” for some reason.) Anyway, I think it’s the word “forever” that makes this line awkward. Also, “forever true” is kind of lame. So, I’d rework this line enough to fit the meter.

life is not the same without you.

Um, try not to be maudlin. It’s getting kind of cheesy. Love the personification though. Nature personified is cool, but just keep it cool and epic, not overly Romantic.

You are our present and our past,

Again, this is kind of overly sentimental and lame. Have you ever heard The Kinks’ “Lazy Old Sun?” I think that’s the tone you want to shoot for (for=preposition; just acknowledging that). It’s reverent, yet cool.

when we are gone you shall still last.
For all of time you are our friend,
surviving us until the end.”

You just contradicted the previous sentiment of human fatalism with an eternal friendship (I guess what I’m saying is you are implying the ocean and us will be together forever, but you said before that the ocean will outlive us.) Also, never rhyme “friend” with “end.” Just do me that favor.
So--not bad. It’s a pretty okay poem about the ocean, the source of life for the planet. I think you need to rethink whether you want the poem to be reverent, Romantic, and epic; or, laidback and smooth. Since you are reciting this for your school (I think), I would guess you’d choose the latter. But, I think if you simply rework each line and keep a “nonchalant” or “informal” tone, and throw in some nice words like “crashing,” “rolling,” and “tidal” (you know, marine imagery), you should get a nice balance of the two and have a presentable poem.

[greatwh1teshark]

Thanks so much for your great adive. It is most welcome.and I shall incorparote it.at once. Thanks again

[greatwh1teshark]

Thanks so much for your great adive. It is most welcome.and I shall incorparote it.at once. Thanks again

[RandomRoarness]

At 10/23/13 06:21 PM, Nintendoobsessed wrote: keep in mind that most modern poetry avoids rhyme schemes.

Did not know this ^^