Curse of theDracon: Review please..

[TonytheGamerDad]

The Curse of the Dracon

The air was cold and crisp as John Imazai began to head out toward the fishing holes. The village elders had warned him not to go out on this day but he was in desperate need of food for his family. So as the remainder of his tribe prepared for the upcoming storm John braved the harsh cold of the Alaskan wilderness to find food for his family. He traveled beyond the outskirts of the village and past the frozen lakes. He continued until he came upon the fishing grounds of his ancestors.

John fished for hours as the winds became harsh and nearly unbearable. John had caught almost twenty fish of great size when he felt he had caught his fill. He couldn�t wait to see his wife and children and show them the bounty of his efforts. He looked forward to showing off his haul to the elders whom had told him that bad fortune would befall him on this trip. So it was with a joyous heart that John set back for his village. The winds were now full of ice and snow making seeing nearly impossible. John knew he had to find shelter and settled on a small cave he spied in the distance.

The interior of the cave was filled with the bones of dead Eskimos, and the walls were drenched in there blood. The cave was also full of claw marks all along the cave walls and floor. After seeing this John knew that he had the unfortunate luck to come upon the lair of the Dracon. It was this beast that devours one from the inside that filled even the hardiest warrior with fear. The legends say that to meet one was to stare at death itself and as such no one alive knew what it looked like. John hurriedly looked about but he saw no creature stirring within sight. Perhaps the Dracon is out hunting, he thought to himself as he prepared to exit the cave. As soon as he stepped outside the wind cut through him like a hot knife through warm butter and he knew he would not survive an hour outside of his cavernous shelter. He decided he would stay inside until the storm broke and then leave before the Dracon returned.

How was he to know when the storm would subside or when the Dracon would show up? These are questions he could not answer. So he decided to wait by the cave entrance until the storm broke. He also decided that it was too risky to sleep as it might stop while he was asleep leaving him easy prey for the returning beast. He knew he must be ready within a moments notice so he stood there looking out into the distance waiting for the storm to yield. The minutes soon turned to hours and he began to grow increasingly hungry. He was prepared to build a fire and eat some of his catch when he realized that the storm could break as he ate. He also came to realize that if it didn�t subside as he ate it could afterward and he would be too sluggish from eating to react fast enough to leave before the beast returned. So there he stood waiting for the storm to break. As he stood there he felt the heaviness of his gear and coat increase. Knowing this could slow him down he took it all off until he stood there in only a pair boots, a pair of pants and a shirt. He then continued to stand and wait.

As time past John grew more and more frantic. His lack of sleep and food weighed upon his mind and he knew he might succumb to either one at any time. He then devised a most ingenious plan. John would dig his way out of the cave. So he began to scratch and scrape at the walls to little success. His only accomplishment was to rip the flesh from his fingers as he left bloody marks on the walls and floor. After many failed attempts he resumed his earlier task of standing and waiting. Hour after hour he stood and waited.

After several days the winds stopped swirling snow and ice about. The air became calm and the temperature came up to a cool 30 degrees. The villagers found John dead inside of a cave less than a mile outside of town. His body was withered and dry. The local coroner would rule his death a weather related accident, but the towns people knew the truth. John had become a victim of the Dracon.

Thanks for reading this odd story I wrote so long ago. Any feedback you have would be super...

[4urentertainment]

It's an interesting little tale. I was a bit disappointed when John died in the end after all that. I usually don't like stories that force a happy ending, but this piece felt to me more like a fairy tale or fable from which one could take away a moral of some sort. (But I guess it could be said that the moral is to listen to your elders?)

As for the story itself, there were a couple of minor language mistakes (ex: walls were drenched in there blood). But everything else was otherwise in tact.

There was one simile that I didn't like. You compared the icy wind cutting through him to a hot knife through butter. Now I don't know if the contrast was intentional, but either way, I feel it's a bit out of place, or at least, doesn't really communicate the sharp, stinging sensation of deathly frost. (Then again, I've never seen snow in real life)

I also felt you had a little lack of description in your story. Sometimes a story would feel vivid, and it transports you there, so you feel like you're experience the events rather than telling a story, and that's usually because the author has taken the time to describe the world, describe the feeling of the character and his surroundings.

For example, you could have dwelled a bit more on the part where John enters the cave and sees the interior, and how the old legends told in his childhood came rushing back and blah blah

I'm really curious though, you said you wrote this more than 10 years ago? Why did you decide to post this up now and ask for feedback? I'm sure your writing style has vastly changed and improved after all those years. So forgive me if any criticism I give you was redundant or anything.

[TonytheGamerDad]

I wrote this as part of an English final in High School, the teacher told me it was terrible and that was one of the reasons I never went into writing. I have since started writing on a semi-professional basis and was wondering if this story actually had merit or was as terrible as I was told it was. Eventually I want to go back and improve it into a longer story. I imagine this to be a story within a longer story.

Also, when the wind is so cold it's below freezing the bits of ice and snow sting your face in an odd hot flash. At least it does in Chicago.